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Ring from ex

Johnson1

By Johnson1
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Johnson1 Established Member

Johnson1

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My gf of 6 months has a ring on her finger worth 9k from this rich guy she once dated and has been friends with for decades. I don't have a problem with him. He lives 1000 miles away. She's sent him our picture and he's happy for us. My only problem is we've talked about getting engaged. I don't make a lot of money and she knows that. I'd only be able to give her a something worth $1,000. It does bother me that I'm not able to spend that kind of money and the ring I give her something worth that much and mine will pale in comparison next to his. I know it's trivial and nothing to get bent out of shape about, but it does bother me a little. Is there any way to bring this up without sounding jealous? Should I? I keep thinking every time she looks down she'll compare mine to his.

Edited by Vocals5
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Talk to her. Tell her how you feel about it.  

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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Why bring it up all??? It's your insecurity, not hers. She 'loves' you, right? The 9K, if it does cost that much (really), is just a pretty trinket on her finger until yours, the one from someone she NOW loves and adores sits by it or after it. It's just a ring. Do YOU really feel you need to go there?

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Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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It is the meaning behind it not the bauble. Give her something he can't or didn't. 

Idea: starting today, every day write down something about her or something that she did that made you love her. Or reminded you of why you love her. I love you because....  Go small. Go big. Go trivial. Go deep. The key is make it real. E.g. I love you because you laughed at my lame Homer Simpson impersonation. Date it and store it away. I want you to do that every day until you ask her to marry you. Take all of those days and turn them into a small book (you can have one made easily online or just get a baby photo album type book and put each day in there). Then when the day comes I want you ask her for her hand in marriage, give her the ring you got and present her with the book.  Call it "I love you because". Leave the last day/page dated and with the words "I love you because you said _____________" and let her fill in the blank. 

Trust me. That book will mean more to her than a $9K ring and if it doesn't, you are marrying the wrong woman. 

Edited by Mrin
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K.K. Established Member

K.K.

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Why hasn’t she hocked that thing yet ?! 

It’s a respect thing, man. I wouldn’t like that either. 

Shes willing to hold onto a 9,000$ memory from this guy rather than to have the 9 grand ?! Especially when you said you don’t make that much money. 

Nah... I wouldn’t like that at all. 

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Don't say anything. Get her the engagement ring, when she has it on she will figure out herself how ridiculous it is to overshadow your ring with a jewelry from an ex. 

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CAPSLOCK CROOK Member

CAPSLOCK CROOK

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You've made several posts about this person already and just as I have done in every other thread you have made about her, I gotta strongly advise you against marrying this person... On top of everything else that you have told us about her from before, she is also wearing a ring from a different man? Like bro, give it some time, you guys moved in together very quickly, now you are talking about marriage, what is the rush?

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Interstellar Established Member

Interstellar

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She’s still friends with this ex? how many times do they text? you never should’ve become official with her.

Keep your mouth shut about any insecurities. And I wouldn’t marry this girl, unless you want 3 kids, a 30 year mortgage and an ex or exes in the background..

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chillii Established Member

chillii

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Of-cause there's a way , just talk to her . lf she's going to be any sort of wife at all she should be able to understand that.

Besides , a 9k ring usually means probably a poor relationship , like these monster weddings they kill themselves over and here we are , they didn't even get married.

Why is your fiance wearing another mans ring anyway, l don't care what it's worth , so what, sell the piece of junk pay for yours and go on a nice holiday with the change and put some money in the bank for the wedding, send him a nice thank you,  haaaaaa, l am genius .

Edited by chillii
Mystery4u Established Member

Mystery4u

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Why is she still wearing the ring? That's just crazy. Unbelievable disrespect to you. Why is she sending him pictures of you two, why is she even still in contact with him if he lives so far away?

Haven't read your other threads but she sounds like trouble. She is treating you like an absolute mug.

Why you are letting her treat you like this I have no idea.

Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

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No ring of any amount of money can compare to the power of love.

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schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

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I also would advise you to think long and hard before tying the knot with someone that wears another mans engagement ring but it's your call.

The answer to your dilemma is to have her select the ring. That way she gets what she wants and there should be no comparison for you to lose sleep over. Just he shopping experience alone may enlighten you about her thought process.

 

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Johnson1 Established Member

Johnson1

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15 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Don't say anything. Get her the engagement ring, when she has it on she will figure out herself how ridiculous it is to overshadow your ring with a jewelry from an ex. 

Maybe, or she won't do anything and keep it there, or put his ring on the same finger on her other hand. You'd think she'd think of this ahead of time since we've talked about getting engaged and either put it away or put it on another finger (which really wouldn't be much better). As far as I'm concerned she shouldn't wear any ring from an ex if I gave her an engagement ring. It just doesn't sit well with me. I'm kinda wondering if it was an engagement ring from him and she's not saying it is. Why else would a guy give a woman a chocolate diamond worth that much. That's an awful expensive 'friendship' ring.

Edited by Vocals5
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Johnson1 Established Member

Johnson1

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16 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Why bring it up all??? It's your insecurity, not hers. She 'loves' you, right? The 9K, if it does cost that much (really), is just a pretty trinket on her finger until yours, the one from someone she NOW loves and adores sits by it or after it. It's just a ring. Do YOU really feel you need to go there?

She hates being compared to my ex's. I see this as a comparison. 

All I can say is reverse roles. Your bf has a ring on his from his ex. Are you saying it wouldn't bother you in the least? Be honest.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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She got to keep the ring, and no one is about to waste a perfectly good diamond.  What would be nice is if she had it reset in a non-engagement setting . Like for example, my mom set her first wedding diamond into onyx for me on my 21st birthday, so it doesn't look like a wedding ring.  Your gf could set hers amongst some colored stones as a decorative ring and wear it on her right hand and wear your ring on her left.  She could make a necklace out of it.

 

Do just talk to her about it, and try not to make it all about you.  Tell her she knows you can't afford a big ring and you wonder if she's still going to wear that ring as is once you give her one.  Tell her you do feel weird about it.  Ask her if she is planning to take it off or if she is planning to reset it so it doesn't look like she's wearing two engagement/wedding rings!  I think that's a fair question. 

 

To me, the ideal thing would be if she volunteered to trade it in and combined the proceeds with yours towards a larger diamond.  The other nice alternative might be if she made it into a man's ring and gave it to you.  

Edited by preraph
Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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1 hour ago, Vocals5 said:

She hates being compared to my ex's. I see this as a comparison. 

All I can say is reverse roles. Your bf has a ring on his from his ex. Are you saying it wouldn't bother you in the least? Be honest.

I have to be honest, my response was in response to your pre-emptive need to show your insecurity. Wait until you actually give her the ring...then see what she does. Just wait...an earlier poster told you to watch if she continues to wear it afterwards. JUST WAIT....if she is sensible at all, she will take off the other ring. 

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Johnson1 Established Member

Johnson1

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1 hour ago, preraph said:

She got to keep the ring, and no one is about to waste a perfectly good diamond.  What would be nice is if she had it reset in a non-engagement setting . Like for example, my mom set her first wedding diamond into onyx for me on my 21st birthday, so it doesn't look like a wedding ring.  Your gf could set hers amongst some colored stones as a decorative ring and wear it on her right hand and wear your ring on her left.  She could make a necklace out of it.

 

Do just talk to her about it, and try not to make it all about you.  Tell her she knows you can't afford a big ring and you wonder if she's still going to wear that ring as is once you give her one.  Tell her you do feel weird about it.  Ask her if she is planning to take it off or if she is planning to reset it so it doesn't look like she's wearing two engagement/wedding rings!  I think that's a fair question. 

 

To me, the ideal thing would be if she volunteered to trade it in and combined the proceeds with yours towards a larger diamond.  The other nice alternative might be if she made it into a man's ring and gave it to you.  

Excellent suggestion!!!! Thank you!!!

The only part I'd disagree with is making another ring for me out if his. When it comes to an engagement everything should be our own. The situation is similar to a man giving an engagement ring to his new lady that was bought for his ex. You know what I mean? 

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Johnson1 Established Member

Johnson1

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1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I have to be honest, my response was in response to your pre-emptive need to show your insecurity. Wait until you actually give her the ring...then see what she does. Just wait...an earlier poster told you to watch if she continues to wear it afterwards. JUST WAIT....if she is sensible at all, she will take off the other ring. 

I don't see it as insecurity. I see it as respect on her part not to wear two rings that look like engagement rings like Gr8fuln2020 said. And what if I buy her a ring and she doesn't take it off because she doesn't know how I feel about it? Then I'd be engaged to her but still in the same predicament. I'd rather know how she feels about it beforehand

Edited by Vocals5
preraph Established Member

preraph

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40 minutes ago, Vocals5 said:

Excellent suggestion!!!! Thank you!!!

The only part I'd disagree with is making another ring for me out if his. When it comes to an engagement everything should be our own. The situation is similar to a man giving an engagement ring to his new lady that was bought for his ex. You know what I mean? 

The old fiance would probably have a cow if she did give it to you.

 

 

Edited by preraph
chillii Established Member

chillii

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Yeah , if she's real your ring will mean far far more to her no matter what it's worth, money has nothing to do with real love.  But for me that thing would've been voluntarily coming off the day we got together.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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4 hours ago, Vocals5 said:

Maybe, or she won't do anything and keep it there, or put his ring on the same finger on her other hand. 

Then you'll know what she is made of. Don't you want to know who you are really marrying? 

Do you want her to put away that 9k ring because she makes a realization on her own that it's inappropriate or you want her to put it away cause you told her so?

I would give her the ring (keep the receipt). If she still wears that big rock after that I'd ask my ring back and break the engagement.  

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introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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Ugh.  Why is this woman wearing an ex's ring?  I have expensive jewelry (including a diamond and sapphire ring that is really beautiful) in my jewelry box that I never wear because 1) it would be weird to be wearing the ring from a past relationship; and 2) I would not want my current guy to feel weird about it. 

p.s.  Just because a ring cost $9k doesn't mean it's actually worth that much.  Yeah, for insurance purposes jewelry is appraised high but I'm willing to bet that your gf couldn't sell the ring for $9k.  Which is immaterial, imo, because she shouldn't be wearing it regardless.

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Then you'll know what she is made of. Don't you want to know who you are really marrying? 

Do you want her to put away that 9k ring because she makes a realization on her own that it's inappropriate or you want her to put it away cause you told her so?

I would give her the ring (keep the receipt). If she still wears that big rock after that I'd ask my ring back and break the engagement.  

Here here. Let her make the first significant move. If she is really in love with the OP, she will remove her ring. She should sell it and get what she can for it. It won't be 9k. 

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Ugh.  Why is this woman wearing an ex's ring?  I have expensive jewelry (including a diamond and sapphire ring that is really beautiful) in my jewelry box that I never wear because 1) it would be weird to be wearing the ring from a past relationship; and 2) I would not want my current guy to feel weird about it. 

p.s.  Just because a ring cost $9k doesn't mean it's actually worth that much.  Yeah, for insurance purposes jewelry is appraised high but I'm willing to bet that your gf couldn't sell the ring for $9k.  Which is immaterial, imo, because she shouldn't be wearing it regardless.

The appraisal business is a sham. They go higher so that you pay more for the insurance. PERIOD. 

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Johnson1 Established Member

Johnson1

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Here's the thing, I love her but do have trust issues with her for good reason. She does say dumb things without thinking and do I believe she loves me yes, but here's some of the things that she said to me.

She said her was in love with being in love. He cheated on her because he thought she was cheating on him. She used to do a lot of traveling out-of-state at that time for a week at a time. She was married to him for 15 years, the door in their marriage she thinks it was okay for her to do extracurricular activities with her male management subordinate.

She also said she thinks you can be in love with someone and in lust with someone else.

She's dated tons of guys, but no one trusted her because of her job.

She deleted text messages from ex claiming I would be hurt by what he said, but changed her story is far as what was said. First she told me that she deleted and blocked them because he got dirty on her, but then she said they ended things Anika bleeding we're if she was ever free to let him know, and then she said okay.

She also once said about her exs played or be played

Told me she doesn't trust anybody

Told me she loves me, but doesn't trust me.

I know this all sounds horrible and many wonder why I'd still be with someone who said all that. I am living at her house, even though I have my own and when we're not working we're tied at the hip. I checked into things a few times and she was where she says she was. If she's got a hair appointment she's there, she needs to get her nails done she's there oh, is she has to get a facial she was there, if she's at her job she was there, but if someone's going to cheat they could be real slick about it in many ways. She's been honest about a lot of things. I haven't flat-out caught her in a lie.

The one thing that bothers me the most though is when she said you can be a mug with someone and being in love with someone else. That's tough to let go of.

If she wanted to cheat, she could, easily. She's a corporate executive with a lot of freedom in her job to do what she wants.

I found out that the past on and off 10 year sexual fling she had with this guy she was with just before me lives less than 2 miles from one of the properties she manages.

With all this said, I do think she's a great person and does have a conscience. She makes great money and I could write my own ticket being with her. I could sell my own home and put 100K in the bank. She would like to be married someday and have a home together with me.

 

Edited by Vocals5
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