Missdy Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 I got talking to a guy on Sunday afternoon (OLD) , he text me first and we have quite a few interests in common. I find him attractive from his pics. However the texting has been A LOT. At first it was asking the basic questions, talking a bit about interests etc. The conversation kind of was ongoing, so it made sense that he replied again monday. But I was surprised that he could text as much while he's at work. I know the place he works. We text throughout the day yesterday. We said goodnight and his last text was "I'll catch up with you tomorrow!" I didn't reply. Then he text me again today, just an hour after I know he woke up. Simply asking how my day was going. Well it was lunchtime and I had already told him I'd be working. I also told him I have a busy job (he says his isn't usually all that busy) I really enjoy talking to him, we hit it off really well, as much as you can through text. But the reason I'm worrying if the contact is too much, is I was in an abusive relationship. It started with us talking constantly right away, him being very sweet etc. I need to be extra careful, just to protect myself as I got swept off my feet. I'm even worried at the fact I'm daydreaming about what could be. It's now late evening, I just got a text head pop up on my phone from him as I type this! I told him earlier that I have a friend coming to hang out. He sent the last text about 2 hrs ago and it didn't have anything to particarly reply to so I left it. I haven't opened this text yet haha. I usually take a bit longer than him to reply (he replies VERY quickly) and when I'm at work it can be upto 2 or 3 hrs, and in all honesty I wouldn't usually even text at all. It's a bit conflicting as I am actually very interested in him as we get along very well through text. But jeez idk?! Also wondering why he hasn't asked for my number. We are still texting via the app. Also when I asked him what he was looking for from the site he replied that he would really like a girlfriend, but he's open to meeting someone new and seeing what happens, he likes friendship and sex too. I told him i did not want casual sex and wanted to date for a potential boyfriend. He said that's great by him, it'd be great to have a girlfriend. He has not tried to turn the conversation sexual. We said we will meet next week for coffee. He asked when I'm free and I said it might be easier next week. He said he will let me know his free times. Does all of this sound OK?
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 It sounds really annoying to me. I don't text my husband or my BFFs that much. If you want the app messages to stop perhaps you need to initiate. . . .I'd be blunt but that is me: Hey. You seem interesting & interested but I can't take all this back & forth over the app. My number is (xxx) 555-1234. Call me. Then the ball is in his court. 1
preraph Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 Yeah, ^ that, but I'd be a little worried he'd call you all the time and when you were busy, too. But you could always not answer.
Author Missdy Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 9 minutes ago, preraph said: Yeah, ^ that, but I'd be a little worried he'd call you all the time and when you were busy, too. But you could always not answer. Right! I'm just waiting for him to get mad at me not replying straight away, but that hasn't happened thankfully. Maybe it's best he doesn't have my number until we meet. Maybe he is a really good guy, ohhh I don't know.
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 You won't know what kind of a guy he is until you meet in person. Communication over an app, through text, by phone or even by video chat does not get you what you need to know. Only meeting accomplishes that. 1
preraph Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 I think the best thing would be to gently tell him you're ready to meet whenever he is and that you'd rather meet in person than doing too much texting and just let him know you're not a big texter. This can be a dealbreaker for guys out of their comfort zone, but to me, that's one more reason... 1
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, preraph said: but I'd be a little worried he'd call you all the time and when you were busy, too. But you could always not answer. ^^^ That was my concern about the phone number. OP, I think you're overthinking when you relate texting too much to abusive tendencies unless he is constantly asking "what are you doing now?" I'd be afraid to set some kind of boundary with him on how much he is supposed to message you. It's likely to make things awkward and he's not going to have any idea of when it's appropriate and when it's not appropriate to text you. You could always mute the app and check it at your convenience. I wouldn't worry how often you reply. If he gets mad, his loss. He might also eventually get the hint that he needs to cool it a little.
Miss Spider Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 Sounds pretty normal for this day and age. Most people have a borderline unhealthy attachment to their phones 2 1
Author Missdy Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 5 minutes ago, Pleasant-Sage said: ^^^ That was my concern about the phone number. OP, I think you're overthinking when you relate texting too much to abusive tendencies unless he is constantly asking "what are you doing now?" I'd be afraid to set some kind of boundary with him on how much he is supposed to message you. It's likely to make things awkward and he's not going to have any idea of when it's appropriate and when it's not appropriate to text you. You could always mute the app and check it at your convenience. I wouldn't worry how often you reply. If he gets mad, his loss. He might also eventually get the hint that he needs to cool it a little. He does ask what I'm doing a lot, how my day is going, what I'd be doing with my friend etc. It's what his last text was "how did your evening go?" But it could be more just wanting to keep the conversation going, or initiating one. I wouldn't say it feels controlling yet, but it is how it started for me with the ex. I actually agree with you, I don't know if I want to limit his contact as that feels pretty mean and I do enjoy it when I'm just chilling and can chat. I think it's good advice, thanks. I think a lot of the problem is letting myself get a bit excited about a guy, but just in a realistic healthy way. 1
preraph Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 Just tell him you don't like this much texting and that once or twice a day is plenty and you like to have something reserved to talk about for when you meet. That is, if you still want to meet him.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 Limits and boundaries do not set themselves; unfortunately, men are not mind readers, especially through text. If you have not said anything about it, you are giving him the impression that it should continue. 2
Ambereyes Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) if you want to text less, tell him. Takes 2 seconds. it's not rocket science. Better than spending days analyzing with bunch of strangers what his behavior could possibly mean in 100 ways. Edited February 11, 2020 by Ambereyes 2
kendahke Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 This is really interesting because there's another thread where the woman wishes the guy she's been seeing for a month would text like this guy does. According to some this is part and parcel of dating today--one has to expect an avalanche of texts because that seems to be the norm now. He may be completely unaware of how overwhelming he's being--and it may be because he's used to girls who want a deluge of texts You're going to have to be explicitly clear with him that you need for him to ease up on the texting. 3
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 42 minutes ago, kendahke said: This is really interesting because there's another thread where the woman wishes the guy she's been seeing for a month would text like this guy does. My intial take away from this post too. Everybody is different and has different needs and expectations.
pc31 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 He sounds perfectly normal, like most millennial males on dating apps. Go meet him. Enjoy your time, sis. Don't stress over it. 2
Erik30 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 1 hour ago, kendahke said: This is really interesting because there's another thread where the woman wishes the guy she's been seeing for a month would text like this guy does. According to some this is part and parcel of dating today--one has to expect an avalanche of texts because that seems to be the norm now. He may be completely unaware of how overwhelming he's being--and it may be because he's used to girls who want a deluge of texts You're going to have to be explicitly clear with him that you need for him to ease up on the texting. I was thinking the same thing... you just can't win. Text "too much" and you're needy. Don't text enough and the other person thinks you're probably not interested...
Lotsgoingon Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Well ... I'm of the school to pay attention to any alarms going off ... If you have a hint of concern that he's controlling ... pay attention to that. I definitely sense he's not good at figuring out the right boundary at this point ... you don't wanna ask someone about their day ... what if the answer is, "I had a horrible day"? You're not close enough to want to share that ... and he's not close enough to be of any comfort. So most people know to stay away from questions like that ... so I'm picking up needy and socially not very skilled ... you're picking up controlling. Trust yourself!
chillii Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Yeah exactly , ones complaining not enough next one too much next one there's nothing wrong but she's worried anyway and on and on it goes. l mean he sounds a touch annoying but eh. You can always have a bit of a light hearted word about it l mean no big drama. But eh if you like him so far just keep it slow until you meet next week and take it from there. You mightn't even like him anyway. 1
Ellener Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 2 hours ago, chillii said: You mightn't even like him anyway. Exactly. Go with the flow.
Mystery4u Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 As you haven't even met he does sound pretty annoying to be honest. Doesn't he have friends to meet or activities to do instead of texting you all the time. And very weird he hasn't asked for your number yet. Seems like he is not very experienced with women. 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 13 hours ago, Missdy said: But the reason I'm worrying if the contact is too much, is I was in an abusive relationship. It started with us talking constantly right away, him being very sweet etc. I need to be extra careful, just to protect myself as I got swept off my feet. Vigorous texting does not equate to a wife beater. You may not be ready, understandably so. I hope you are seeing a counselor? Your radar might be on overload - again, it's understandable. 1
Aus Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 (edited) BOUNDARIES!!!!! A person that you have not met should not have this much access, information and attention from you. He should set up a date or go use someone else and their time as his boredom fidget spinner I felt suffocated just reading your post People you have not met are not entitled to your stories and routines, what will you talk about when you do meet, IF you ever meet. Women should remain creatures of mystery and intrigue and you should unfold like a flower, when the guy proves that he deserves access to your information. Plus, too much texting before meeting creates unwarranted expectation and us women create fantasies about what this person is actually like and it clouds our judgement when we do actually meet them to answer your question, yes it's a red flag Edited February 12, 2020 by Aus and why hasn't he asked for your number? is the harem of ladies that he's accumulated easier to all message from one central point? quality alpha males lock a lady down, you're still on the app 3
preraph Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 14 hours ago, Erik30 said: I was thinking the same thing... you just can't win. Text "too much" and you're needy. Don't text enough and the other person thinks you're probably not interested... Which gets back to the old cliche that is founded in truth, all things in moderation.
Author Missdy Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) . Edited February 13, 2020 by Missdy
kendahke Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Well, he's not using his time wisely to convey confidence, that's for sure. Could be he hasn't made the connection that his incessant texting to mask his insecurities may be why he's not lucky at dating. You may be here to be his lesson--by telling him "mystery really is a thing. If you tell me everything before we've even met, what do we have to talk about when we finally meet face to face?" Once you do meet him, please make it a point to be direct with him about toning down the texting--that that is something that will make him more unattractive as time goes on if he can't curb that. You're going to have to stand sentry to your boundaries because he's shown you so far he isn't about that.
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