Too busy to date?

[Aayla]

I've met a guy in a climbing gym a month ago. We had a great first date, didn't sleep together (and I told him that I would like to wait) but were all over each other before saying goodbye that night, then kept in contact for two weeks. He is very responive and seems interested in my life (asking how the day went, how the things I talked to him about are going etc). The problem is, he suggested a second date and then canceled the day off, telling me that he just took on a second job which will leave him in a situation of working from 8 am to 10 pm every day, and that he just found out that they changed his shift. Seemed deeply apologetic, like he already knows that it's a difficult schedule situation, suggested to meet up next week instead. It was a coincidence that the last three weekends we were both out of town, one weekend me, one weekend him, until now, so we couldn't meet up.

I can understand the job difficulties and don't mind occasional rescheduling, but I don't really know what to do with the whole situation, I am not really the type of person that beats around the bush and would like to know if he is generaly avaliable for dating (doesn't have to be serious or even exclusive, but right now it's not enough even for sex).

The canceled date was supposed to be today, I texted him back something along the lines of "oh, okey, don't worry, I am happy that you got the new and better job! It would be great if you could tell me a bit more about your general working hours because it does seem that you are pretty busy, since we can't meet spontaneously we'll have to find some hole in the schedule. It would be great if we could squeeze in a non-rush date one day!"

Thoughts? Genuinely interested but busy right now? Should I give up? The guy seems honest.

[Piddy]

Good answer,  I'd leave it like that.  Let him initiate from now on.  See what happens.

Edited February 11, 2020 by Piddy

[2BGoodAgain]

you did the right thing. see his response, and that'll be telling.

[Ami1uwant]

Dont assume the worst.  When you talk find out why the second job. If he is working 12-14 hrs a day over 6 days he's going to be burnt out

[d0nnivain]

Do you actually have a time & place for this 2nd date yet?  If yes, go & have fun.  If no, assume it's never going to get scheduled.  

[Aayla]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Do you actually have a time & place for this 2nd date yet?  If yes, go & have fun.  If no, assume it's never going to get scheduled.  

Yes, this was exactly my thought haha... well there has been a bit of a development - he took time to write me a long answer about how I just met him between jobs, but that he will "stabilize his schedule" from next week on because they'll give him his definite working hours, and that unitl then ha can't tell me anything beacuse he doesn't know either. He also said that he really does want to see me and that he would also prefer a day where nobody is in a rush. Guess it's a semi-good sign.

[Mystery4u]

Took on a second job? What's wrong with the first one? Working every single day from 8am - 10pm? That's just crazy. Workaholic. Work to live not live to work. A lot more important things in life. If this is how it is just after meeting imagine a life together... you would hardly see him.

Edited February 12, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Fletch Lives]

That's way too many hours. Forget dating, I'd be concerned about his health.

[Zippy2000]

Don't write him off just yet.  First and foremost.  He explained to you why he had.  Its about a job.  If hes still interested he will still speak to you but ask him about his job to see where the conversation goes.

[Lotsgoingon]

Something doesn't sound right to me. He got no heads-up on the changed schedule ... like his boss just happened to shift his schedule on the same date as your proposed meeting? ... Hmmmmmmmmm ... Canceling at the last minute seems odd to me.

Actually you don't need him to be apologetic ... being apologetic is often a fake response. Liars use it, cheaters use it. Disinterested people use that. A stronger indicator of interest is specificity about setting up the next meeting--and excitement about the next meeting--and disappointment in their voice. So, don't be too impressed by his apology. If I really want to meet up with someone and can't, I feel heartbreak myself. I don't need to over-apologize because the other person will hear in my voice how crushed I am. And yes, I will then give a specific new date and time.

And hey, no need for you to send a "I understand" message. It's not your job to understand his schedule and be understandable about a last-minute cancellation. No. Just say,  "That's disappointing. Let me know when you can meet." It's HIS job to fix this, not yours. You ain't married to the guy. 

It's his job to be available if he wants to date you. If he can't be available, then you can't date. Don't compromise on availability--not at the start. Compromise now and I guarantee he will NEVER have the "time" to hang out. 

 

[smackie9]

Nope, he won't have time enough for your expectations. When I was working two+ jobs I never bothered to date anyone. Making money was my priority.

[Daisydooks]

When I met my fiance, I was working full time and OT, plus getting my business off the ground. Now, 6 years in, we live together and both work from home. Neither of us works outside the home now for 50+ hours a week and we see one another all the time. So never say never. See where it goes.

We lived an hour away from one another. He was also in school and very focused on good grades (98-100%) in all courses he took, plus his job of 50 hours  a week, plus he commuted to work where I lived. We were both extremely busy. We met online because of that. I think had we been with other people, they may not have understood, but we were equally busy and invested in our family and friend time. Sure we missed one another, but we made time. It was written in stone early on that Satudays would be for us because those were the days we could commit to weekly, especially living so far apart. We also both had cats, so gallivanting all over the place through the week was neglectful for our kitties and we often needed sitters to come in. 

If you want to make it work, it can. You just have to have a bond worth fighting for and worth pursuing. Through all the hard times, we had one goal and we shared it. We now get to enjoy our little house together in the country with our 3 cats. We get to spend every day together now. It was worth the effort. Most men were not worth this much effort.  Haha

It truly depends on the people involved.  I would probably have been hard pressed to find someone as ok as he was with my schedule but because he was equally busy, it worked out ok. At times it felt like it would never work long term, but it has and I'm glad we stuck together through the harder times because what we have now is a goal we worked on together and we are genuinely happy. I wouldnt have devoted this time to just anyone. I believe I was too busy for most men and I didnt really have the time to devote to dating. But we both made time because it was important 

Once I had moved in, he asked me to marry him. We are getting married in June. 

Edited February 12, 2020 by Daisydooks

[Daisydooks]

10 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Took on a second job? What's wrong with the first one? Working every single day from 8am - 10pm? That's just crazy. Workaholic. Work to live not live to work. A lot more important things in life. If this is how it is just after meeting imagine a life together... you would hardly see him.

For my fiance, his extra time was devoted to school at night so he didnt have to kill himself at his day job or work two jobs. This opened him up to make more money during the normal working day and also gave him the ability to work from home so he is no longer commuting to the city wasting 15 hours a week driving above and beyond his 50 hours a week. 

For me, I started my own business because I genuinely didnt have enough money to live where I lived and needed the second income. I made enough to scrape by but when my ex cheated, I left. I had never been on my own from the time I was 16 to 28. I had to figure sowmthing out and no one was going to do it for me. To survive, I took a second job and turned it into my only job over the last 6 years. Now I work for myself, from home. I lived in a city where a one bedroom apartment is $2300/month where rent increases were growing rapidly.  I needed a second income to feed myself because my full time job didn't cut it. Not everyones full time job covers the bills unfortunately. A majority of people on this continent are living paycheck to paycheck. I was one of them. 

I try not to judge others. I was not a workaholic. I was hungry  

[Aayla]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Something doesn't sound right to me. He got no heads-up on the changed schedule ... like his boss just happened to shift his schedule on the same date as your proposed meeting? ... Hmmmmmmmmm ... Canceling at the last minute seems odd to me.

Actually you don't need him to be apologetic ... being apologetic is often a fake response. Liars use it, cheaters use it. Disinterested people use that. A stronger indicator of interest is specificity about setting up the next meeting--and excitement about the next meeting--and disappointment in their voice. So, don't be too impressed by his apology. If I really want to meet up with someone and can't, I feel heartbreak myself. I don't need to over-apologize because the other person will hear in my voice how crushed I am. And yes, I will then give a specific new date and time.

And hey, no need for you to send a "I understand" message. It's not your job to understand his schedule and be understandable about a last-minute cancellation. No. Just say,  "That's disappointing. Let me know when you can meet." It's HIS job to fix this, not yours. You ain't married to the guy. 

It's his job to be available if he wants to date you. If he can't be available, then you can't date. Don't compromise on availability--not at the start. Compromise now and I guarantee he will NEVER have the "time" to hang out. 

 

Yes, I understand where you come from. I guess it's early to tell. Just for the sake of the argument, I tend not to be cruel with people who have difficult schedules because it's true that we just met and they had a life before, I don't think that being mad about it is gonna accomplish anything. Of course, you do have a point, next meeting has to be scheduled, organized and not-canceled by him, or I'm out.

[Aayla]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

When I met my fiance, I was working full time and OT, plus getting my business off the ground. Now, 6 years in, we live together and both work from home. Neither of us works outside the home now for 50+ hours a week and we see one another all the time. So never say never. See where it goes.

We lived an hour away from one another. He was also in school and very focused on good grades (98-100%) in all courses he took, plus his job of 50 hours  a week, plus he commuted to work where I lived. We were both extremely busy. We met online because of that. I think had we been with other people, they may not have understood, but we were equally busy and invested in our family and friend time. Sure we missed one another, but we made time. It was written in stone early on that Satudays would be for us because those were the days we could commit to weekly, especially living so far apart. We also both had cats, so gallivanting all over the place through the week was neglectful for our kitties and we often needed sitters to come in. 

If you want to make it work, it can. You just have to have a bond worth fighting for and worth pursuing. Through all the hard times, we had one goal and we shared it. We now get to enjoy our little house together in the country with our 3 cats. We get to spend every day together now. It was worth the effort. Most men were not worth this much effort.  Haha

It truly depends on the people involved.  I would probably have been hard pressed to find someone as ok as he was with my schedule but because he was equally busy, it worked out ok. At times it felt like it would never work long term, but it has and I'm glad we stuck together through the harder times because what we have now is a goal we worked on together and we are genuinely happy. I wouldnt have devoted this time to just anyone. I believe I was too busy for most men and I didnt really have the time to devote to dating. But we both made time because it was important 

Once I had moved in, he asked me to marry him. We are getting married in June. 

I really loved your story! Not because of relating it to my situation, since mine is just starting (or ending... hahah) but because of the strong will to make it, from both of you. I totally get the part where you are both busy, I am that friend that people always ask "how do you manage to do so many things at the time??"; I have a band, I also work 9-6, go climbing and do aerial silk. So I get where people like you, and the guy I am seeing, are coming from.

I guess my particular situation is to be developed, but I do think that we live in a world where we should have empathy to each other when the daily stress and lack of money are concerned. Maybe it doesn't lead to a hook-up and/or relationship, but I think I still made a good choice in being kind and understanding. It would be different if I was seeing just him and getting on the hook, but I am also seeing other people...

[Foxhall]

All work and no play,

it is likely he will struggle to give you the attention you deserve.

[Aayla]

12 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Took on a second job? What's wrong with the first one? Working every single day from 8am - 10pm? That's just crazy. Workaholic. Work to live not live to work. A lot more important things in life. If this is how it is just after meeting imagine a life together... you would hardly see him.

He explained today that this is a two week period where he's leaving one job and taking on another one, so he has to do them at the same time.

[scooby-philly]

Ignore the nay-sayers. Not every guy is a tool or a liar and things do happen. You're taking a positive approach to this, his responses, from your perspective, have been on point and truthful. Now, don't wait for ever for him. But if he stays in touch and sets something up then proceed and have fun! If he balks or never proposes a date/time for the next time the move on.

[Aayla]

Well there has been an update - this is his last week of doing double shifts, as of next week he will have normal working hours again  and he told me to meet up! It's been a month, it's gonna be like first date again hahaha but I think it's positive that he showed consistently that he wants to meet up after his life stabilizes, so let's see!

[SumGuy]

On 2/12/2020 at 2:59 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Something doesn't sound right to me. He got no heads-up on the changed schedule ... like his boss just happened to shift his schedule on the same date as your proposed meeting? ... Hmmmmmmmmm ... Canceling at the last minute seems odd to me.

You must live in a blessed world.   Depending on the job that happens all the time, at least in the U.S.  Now if this was Germany, or even Canada,  I'd wonder. 

Edited February 21, 2020 by SumGuy

[Aayla]

I mean it could definitely be lack of interest but I don't think people who aren't busy give you their whole hours for the week that they are free. He basically told me that whichever day works for him this week, including all weekend days, and told me that if we could meet up Friday so I don't have to get up early so we can stay out late if we want. I think it was actually pretty transparent. And yeah, working hours in our country are looong especially for professions that have to do with hard labour...

[manfrombelow2]

No one is too "busy" to date, not even the president of the USA. "Busy" is just an excuse.