girlinNYC Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 In relation to a guy I've dated on and off for the past 2 years, all in all we are good friends. There's no bad blood between us. Lately I've noticed strange behavioural patterns in him. He's in contact, then goes missing (deletes his social media - no I have not been blocked as we are still connected on LinkedIn, ha) and has engaged in a lot of self-depreciating talk over the journey. He recently told me about a new job he's going for, and told me not to bother wishing him well for the interview as it's "way beyond" him salary and ability wise. As early as Friday he called himself dumb and now his social media pages are gone. I'm concerned about his mental health, maybe I'm overthinking, who knows, but I can't shake the feeling he's struggling deep down. He isn't the biggest talker in the world and suppresses emotions as I can tell he'd rather not discuss things. Am I overthinking or is it a sign of someone struggling? I plan to send him a text or give him a call in the next week or two if I don't hear from him between now and then, but a) I don't know what to say, I don't want to bombard him with questions and b) since he isn't the biggest talker, I don't want to potentially annoy him by giving him the impression we are talking about feelings? How do I go about showing him I'm here for him if he needs it, without coming across as a nag? I don't have any ulterior motives, I simply want to know if he's okay/if not, and that I'm here to help if needed.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 Social Media is a plague, if he is deleting it, he in the right state of mind, y'all focusing on that all day every day need to get on that 'ish he on then!
Author girlinNYC Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: Social Media is a plague, if he is deleting it, he in the right state of mind, y'all focusing on that all day every day need to get on that 'ish he on then! I agree, I think the less social media in society the better. I'm asking more in relation to the withdrawal... 1
MsJayne Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 I'd be concerned, and I'd let him know that you've noticed he's not himself and just let him know you're there for him. Sometimes that's all it takes to cheer someone up a bit, and if he has a serious mental health issue he may need someone like you to give him a little push in the direction of proper support. Deleting social media presence at the same time as denigrating himself could very well be a sign of something serious. 2
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 It does sound very concerning. If he starts giving away prized possessions or doing goodbye type behavior sound the horn. Does he have other friends...family? Speak to them to gather more information. Have them keep an eye on him too. 2
Author girlinNYC Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 35 minutes ago, MsJayne said: I'd be concerned, and I'd let him know that you've noticed he's not himself and just let him know you're there for him. Sometimes that's all it takes to cheer someone up a bit, and if he has a serious mental health issue he may need someone like you to give him a little push in the direction of proper support. Deleting social media presence at the same time as denigrating himself could very well be a sign of something serious. Thank you. I'm glad others can see it's concerning. I definitely plan to check in and see how he's going - I just hope he appreciates the gesture. I don't expect him to bare anything to me, but the object of the exercise is to simply show him I'm here if he plans to open up to someone one day. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 22 minutes ago, Pleasant-Sage said: It does sound very concerning. If he starts giving away prized possessions or doing goodbye type behavior sound the horn. Does he have other friends...family? Speak to them to gather more information. Have them keep an eye on him too. He does have family and friends, what their relationship currently is like I'm not too sure as I'm not in contact with them. I'm unsure if they have picked up on anything. I'm happy to carry the load myself, i just hope he appreciates me reaching out.
chillii Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 What's it matter if he appreciates it or not it's about concern for him isn't it. Might be depression .
Author girlinNYC Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 7 minutes ago, chillii said: What's it matter if he appreciates it or not it's about concern for him isn't it. Might be depression . It is solely about support, I just don't want him to think I'm nagging. IF he's in a depressive state, I know that getting defensive in order to not show vulnerability can be a thing, especially in males. 1
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 13 minutes ago, girlinNYC said: He does have family and friends, what their relationship currently is like I'm not too sure as I'm not in contact with them. I'm unsure if they have picked up on anything. I'm happy to carry the load myself, i just hope he appreciates me reaching out. I'm more concerned about suicide because it's all too common nowadays. Not sure that's a burden you're going to be able to handle by yourself. I don't know him. Use your best judgment. 1
chillii Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, girlinNYC said: It is solely about support, I just don't want him to think I'm nagging. IF he's in a depressive state, I know that getting defensive in order to not show vulnerability can be a thing, especially in males. Yeah l was gonna mention that might happen. But l think if you'd like to , and he does act like that he won't mean it so don't take it to heart . Somewhere down the track he';ll probably thank ya later on and he'll know your there . 1
Author girlinNYC Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 31 minutes ago, Pleasant-Sage said: I'm more concerned about suicide because it's all too common nowadays. Not sure that's a burden you're going to be able to handle by yourself. I don't know him. Use your best judgment. That has crossed my mind, being the worst case scenario. I haven't seen him recently to see any signs of that in person. I definitely can deduce low self esteem and glimpses of low self worth, which could lead to other things.
MsJayne Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 3 hours ago, girlinNYC said: That has crossed my mind, being the worst case scenario. I haven't seen him recently to see any signs of that in person. I definitely can deduce low self esteem and glimpses of low self worth, which could lead to other things. I would try to catch up with him asap. I lost a very dear friend to suicide about ten years ago, and I've never stopped wishing I'd spoken up when I thought I saw signs of serious depression. Instead, I thought I should butt out of his private life, unless he wanted to talk to me, and I deeply regret that. I wish I'd stuck my nose in. I realised too late that he had chosen me as the person who he thought might 'save' him, sensed my empathy and thrown out little crumbs of clues, which I stupidly misread as self-pity. I'd convinced myself I was being overly dramatic thinking he might be suicidal. Turned out I wasn't. I think it's possible that your guy has chosen you as the person who might 'hear' him. You sound switched on and not like someone who would even ask the question if you weren't seriously worried. Maybe I'm wrong, but I say it's worth risking your friendship with this guy to make sure he's OK. 2
Author girlinNYC Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 10 hours ago, MsJayne said: I would try to catch up with him asap. I lost a very dear friend to suicide about ten years ago, and I've never stopped wishing I'd spoken up when I thought I saw signs of serious depression. Instead, I thought I should butt out of his private life, unless he wanted to talk to me, and I deeply regret that. I wish I'd stuck my nose in. I realised too late that he had chosen me as the person who he thought might 'save' him, sensed my empathy and thrown out little crumbs of clues, which I stupidly misread as self-pity. I'd convinced myself I was being overly dramatic thinking he might be suicidal. Turned out I wasn't. I think it's possible that your guy has chosen you as the person who might 'hear' him. You sound switched on and not like someone who would even ask the question if you weren't seriously worried. Maybe I'm wrong, but I say it's worth risking your friendship with this guy to make sure he's OK. I'm so sorry to hear of your friend. The regret you have felt is understandable, but I hope you know that his death is not your fault. Your heart was in the right place. Thank you for your insight, it helped to open my eyes in an even greater light. My main concern was not wanting to butt in so much especially about 'mental health' and 'feelings' - topics men often avoid like the plague as they don't want to appear weak or less masculine. So I haven't wanted him to view me as an annoyance. But as you said, crumbs of clues. He may (or may not) think "go away I'm fine" but down the track I'm sure he'll realise that these types of questions only ever come from a good place. He may not even reply or call back, but that's out of my control. 2
Author girlinNYC Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 Reached out to him and he never replied. I know I’ve done nothing wrong. What do I do?
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 5 minutes ago, girlinNYC said: Reached out to him and he never replied. I know I’ve done nothing wrong. What do I do? Nothing? Wait longer? Not sure what to tell you. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 You can reach out again if you are REALLY worried ... but best to not say you are worried ... "Just saying hi. Hoping you are good ... contact me when you can." Just send good energy ... sounds like he might be depressed ... and fallen into social withdrawal ....
Author girlinNYC Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 18 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: You can reach out again if you are REALLY worried ... but best to not say you are worried ... "Just saying hi. Hoping you are good ... contact me when you can." Just send good energy ... sounds like he might be depressed ... and fallen into social withdrawal .... I saw he was active on LinkedIn (it’s the only online presence he’s kept). I didn’t use any language as though I was worried, just that I was wondering about him and asked what’s news in his world. Positive, standard type of message. I think I’ve done all that I can without being pushy. I just hate having to now rely on fate and not being in control of my next move.
Author girlinNYC Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 14 hours ago, Pleasant-Sage said: Nothing? Wait longer? Not sure what to tell you. You’re right. It’s a waiting game. But I don’t anticipate a reply.
simpycurious Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 On 2/11/2020 at 12:34 AM, chillii said: What's it matter if he appreciates it or not it's about concern for him isn't it. Might be depression . I agree with Chilli in that his behavior may be a sign that he is depressed. I think that it says a lot you because you are concerned and want to help him i would reach out 1
justwhoiam Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) On 2/10/2020 at 11:55 PM, girlinNYC said: In relation to a guy I've dated on and off for the past 2 years That sounds like a FWB type arrangement? Is it so? Quote He's in contact, then goes missing (deletes his social media You stated you've dated him on and off in the past 2 years. Does that mean that the dating is still going on potentially or just a thing of the past? In this last case, it's a new thing in his life he's dealing with. So as you can see, there might be reasons for him being wishy washy, or even all over the place. Edited February 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed improper tone posting 1
Miss Spider Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 I agree with the others that being depressed may mean he is isolating. It always feels nice to feel like someone cares though, so you did a good thing. Maybe let him know you’re there if he wants to talk. Can’t make him though 1 1
Author girlinNYC Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 13 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I agree with the others that being depressed may mean he is isolating. It always feels nice to feel like someone cares though, so you did a good thing. Maybe let him know you’re there if he wants to talk. Can’t make him though He replied, must have tempted fate in some way. He did confirm he hasn’t felt well of late so my hunch was there for a reason. I didn’t push him to speak about why he’s feeling why he does, but I simply gave him the reassurance that I’m always here if he needs anything or just a person to talk to. All I can realistically do! 1
Author girlinNYC Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 13 hours ago, justwhoiam said: That sounds like a FWB type arrangement? Is it so? You stated you've dated him on and off in the past 2 years. Does that mean that the dating is still going on potentially or just a thing of the past? In this last case, it's a new thing in his life he's dealing with. So as you can see, there might be reasons for him being wishy washy, or even all over the place. Not FWB. The ‘dating’ side of things is definitely all a thing of the past. We are just friends now. I don’t think it would be anything to do with him and I, it was his idea late last year to be just friends. He replied and confirmed he’s not in the best place, but I didn’t prod to get info out of him - simply reassured him I’m always here if he needs someone to speak to. It’s a dynamic I’m happy with. I’m not expecting more.
Author girlinNYC Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 13 hours ago, simpycurious said: I agree with Chilli in that his behavior may be a sign that he is depressed. I think that it says a lot you because you are concerned and want to help him i would reach out He replied. He confirmed he isn’t the best so any gut feeling I had was evidently for a reason. Reassured him I’m here if he needs someone. There’s not a lot more I can do.
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