How to get closure from dishonest GF? I am experiencing PTSD

[d0nnivain]

Just now, wilson1 said:

The question is how to avoid being in this situation again.

And the answer is slow down . Do not jump into bed so quickly going forward.  Get to know somebody.  Assess their character before you go exploring their body. 

[wilson1]

8 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

OP - Do not assume it's PTSD and do not discount anyone saying it's not or questioning you. Go talk to a therapist and get a proper diagnosis completed. Online tools can be great as a benchmark, but even if you don't want to or can't afford regular therapy for an extended amount of time, in a few sessions a good therapist can diagnose a major problem like PTSD.

Preraph - I normally love your responses, but there was no indication from the poster (and he later stated clearly) that he was trying to change her. Now, I always say we only hear one side of a story on here. But it's he legitimately telling the truth, then there's no reason to look at this as this woman "reacting" to him being controlling. I've actually dated someone just like the person the OP described and I'm one of the most accepting, loving people out there. IF (IF IF IF) what he said was true and accurate, this isn't a response from her to his controlling, but a well honed psychopath plying her trade. BUT....the lesson for the OP is to fall for the person they are NOW. If you don't like them now, if they have major red flags now, if they have issues you can't deal with NOW, then it's not meant to be NOW.

OP - again, don't discount your self-diagnosis but don't rely on it either.

This is a very good point. You didn't "fail" in missing her lies, you "failed" (and I don't mean that in a judgmental tone OP) to see her for who she really was. For me, I dated a psychopath once so I know the signs and will never make that mistake again. That said, while I learned that lesson, I fell for someone who was an immature, insecure, and secretive person. I failed to see that her 'good girl' and caring attitude was just an act. She pretended to be that way only to get what she wanted.

I'm not picking up on any "jealousy" vibes here. Now, the OP may have problems and I'm not weighing in on his character. But..having been through a similar experience I can safely argue that there are women out there (and look, I'm not absolving men here okay) that play games to mask and hide their character, their lies, etc. OP - pick up the book "Attached". I just started it after my most recent relationship ended. Just the information on attachment styles alone and how a partner with each style make act in a relationship is priceless. From what you shared about her behavior, it sounds like besides being a psychopath potentially, even if she isn't, she's got an avoidant attachment style. Hence her constant rubbing things in your face, putting you down, etc.

This wasn't her "acting out". This wasn't someone responding to years of physical or emotional abuse. This is a psychopath or at the very least a very unstable person who needs a lot of therapy and help to become anything close to "normal".

 

scooby-philly I loved your response, thank you. It seems you had a similar experience than mine.
I have a question: You said that now you know the signs so that you will never make that mistake again. What are the signs that you found personally? That is exactly what i am looking for.

[wilson1]

 

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Odds are you do not have PTSD.  That is a trauma based diagnosis that can only be made by a competent mental health professional not some on line quiz.

that is a far cry from such an extreme diagnosis.  Stop being so dramatic. 

 

I am already seeing a therapist for over a month. And please, do not belittle other people's feelings, it is disrespectful.

[wilson1]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I suspect you're right about her having strong tendencies towards a personality disorder if not an actual full blown one.

Attempt to satisfy your curiosity/questions if you must, but I agree that you're not likely to get any genuine, worthwhile answers out of her. Her approach to "resolving" relationship difficulties is - "look - I just f***ed some random guy and then came home to rub it in your face." That's really all you need to know.

She may have been attempting to have a "normal" relationship with you, but I suspect (as mentioned by others above) that she's not even remotely ready for that. It's not always obvious that someone's a trainwreck until a ways in. You let sex and "love" blind you. That happens to many, many people.

It's certainly easier said than done, but IMO the absolute best thing you can do is just move on and not think or worry even one iota about her ever again.

Thank you, everything you said really resonated with me.

[wilson1]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

The biggest clue was her complete change in her presentation.  Taking the effort to dress up for a date night is one thing, but it sounds like she did a 180' change.   You saw it as a positive, but I see it as someone who doesn't know who they are.  

That rings a bell to me too

[d0nnivain]

Just now, wilson1 said:

I am already seeing a therapist for over a month. 

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.  I was not belittling your feelings; I was questioning your self diagnosis.  I'm sorry if you felt belittled.  If you really do have PTSD or some other form of anxiety (which IMNSHO is more likely), this medical professional will be the best person to help.  

Good luck.  

[wilson1]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.  I was not belittling your feelings; I was questioning your self diagnosis.  I'm sorry if you felt belittled.  If you really do have PTSD or some other form of anxiety (which IMNSHO is more likely), this medical professional will be the best person to help.  

Good luck.  

If you do not know the official criteria for a PTSD diagnosis you can google it. https://www.brainline.org/article/dsm-5-criteria-ptsd

The question of my post is not whether i have PTSD or not,  but a completely different one. So your comments about this are not being helpful. Thank you.

[scooby-philly]

1 hour ago, wilson1 said:

 

scooby-philly I loved your response, thank you. It seems you had a similar experience than mine.
I have a question: You said that now you know the signs so that you will never make that mistake again. What are the signs that you found personally? That is exactly what i am looking for.

Well..

I'm not a certified therapist so please take this with a huge grain of salt. And also remember I only can speak from my experience. 

 

Theres a great book called the psychopath test that includes...a psychopath test.  Now not everyone you run into will be a psycho but the list is helpful to understand what normal behavior is and what isn't. And keep in mind the feedback you receive on here is based on people's experiences and understanding.  People may discount stuff on here as normal when not..they jusylt dont know any better.

For me, I've learned that the crazies have a hard time keeping lies straight. Or pieces dont fit together.  So its partially about remembering as much of what they say as possible so you can spot the patterns. They also belittle you or your appearance or your lifestyle or you past or anything really. Real healthy and mature adults dont attack people. They also shame you. They attack you as a person...normal people can get mad and point out behavior...but even then it's done with a level of kindness and with empathy. They also blame everyone else but themselves and talk in absolute terms all the time. Again this isnt an exhaustive list, just my personal experience.  

 

My crazy ex told me she had been married once and had 2 kids...3months into the relationship I find out from her...because i caught her hiding something...she had been married before in another country and had a child there....3 months after that...she had been married even before that. No kids from that first marriage but why lie? Once you meet someone and get serious with them  even if you're ashamed of something you tell the truth. And okag...  one thing like that is forgivable. But...she was a lot of those things I just described. 

[Ami1uwant]

21 hours ago, wilson1 said:

I did some PTSD tests online and i score super high, i have all the symptoms (flashbacks, nightmares about the event almost every night for 4 months, etc etc).

The only signs i missed were some innappropriate comments about guys, that most people would dismiss as "unreasonable jealousy", but my gut instinct was there and i ignored it. She wa extremely good at gaslighting me and making me feel i was unreasonable. But in the end every one of my gut feelings proved correct.

For example she never really quit smoking, she was doing it with her friends (when i was not there of course), but she told me she didn't touch a cigarette in 2 months. She also went on dates with other guys.

So how can you avoid ever getting into a situation like this again? I guess this is the source of my ptsd

 

 

 

It was a bad experience. I don’t think it’s PTSD.  It doesn’t appear you were threatened or in fear for your life.

your trust was broken and you were hurt. It’s hard to trust now. This is normal with bad relationships.  I caught my ex wife hiding something and it lost my trust.

As others have said a person can lie occasionally or lie via omission the full story.  The key is find out more details and recognize odd patterns.dont follow a predictable routine

my rule..not have sex on the first date if you want this to be something.  She could have looked at you as someone to get free meals from and a booty call.

Edited February 12, 2020 by Ami1uwant

[wilson1]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

 

It was a bad experience. I don’t think it’s PTSD.  It doesn’t appear you were threatened or in fear for your life.

your trust was broken and you were hurt. It’s hard to trust now. This is normal with bad relationships.  I caught my ex wife hiding something and it lost my trust.

As others have said a person can lie occasionally or lie via omission the full story.  The key is find out more details and recognize odd patterns.dont follow a predictable routine

my rule..not have sex on the first date if you want this to be something.  She could have looked at you as someone to get free meals from and a booty call.

Ami1uwant, where does it say in the official diagnosis that  "Fear for your life" is a criteria for a PTSD diagnosis? It seems people here in the forum are trying to do a diagnosis without even knowing what PTSD is. I posted a link above, you can check it. Yes, i fit the official criteria for PTSD but it is not the point of this thread, so let's not discuss it anymore since it doesn't really add anything to the discussion.

No, she didn't look at me as a booty call, she said she loved me.

 

Edited February 12, 2020 by wilson1

[wilson1]

2 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

Well..

I'm not a certified therapist so please take this with a huge grain of salt. And also remember I only can speak from my experience. 

 

Theres a great book called the psychopath test that includes...a psychopath test.  Now not everyone you run into will be a psycho but the list is helpful to understand what normal behavior is and what isn't. And keep in mind the feedback you receive on here is based on people's experiences and understanding.  People may discount stuff on here as normal when not..they jusylt dont know any better.

For me, I've learned that the crazies have a hard time keeping lies straight. Or pieces dont fit together.  So its partially about remembering as much of what they say as possible so you can spot the patterns. They also belittle you or your appearance or your lifestyle or you past or anything really. Real healthy and mature adults dont attack people. They also shame you. They attack you as a person...normal people can get mad and point out behavior...but even then it's done with a level of kindness and with empathy. They also blame everyone else but themselves and talk in absolute terms all the time. Again this isnt an exhaustive list, just my personal experience.  

 

My crazy ex told me she had been married once and had 2 kids...3months into the relationship I find out from her...because i caught her hiding something...she had been married before in another country and had a child there....3 months after that...she had been married even before that. No kids from that first marriage but why lie? Once you meet someone and get serious with them  even if you're ashamed of something you tell the truth. And okag...  one thing like that is forgivable. But...she was a lot of those things I just described. 

That is very useful thank you.

This particular girl is one of the smartest people i met in my life overall, and incredibly good liar. She would tell stories, even cry while telling the story, and later i found out the story never happened.
Or even at the beggining she told me about a guy she saw in the past and it was over. But after the end of our relationship i found out she was actually cheating on him the first day she had sex with me (of course i was totally unaware). A lot of things, if i had known, i would have stopped the relationship or not taken her seriously, but she was excellent at wearing her mask

 

Do you have a link to the psycopath book you mentioned?

Edited February 12, 2020 by wilson1

[scooby-philly]

1 hour ago, wilson1 said:

That is very useful thank you.

This particular girl is one of the smartest people i met in my life overall, and incredibly good liar. She would tell stories, even cry while telling the story, and later i found out the story never happened.
Or even at the beggining she told me about a guy she saw in the past and it was over. But after the end of our relationship i found out she was actually cheating on him the first day she had sex with me (of course i was totally unaware). A lot of things, if i had known, i would have stopped the relationship or not taken her seriously, but she was excellent at wearing her mask

 

Do you have a link to the psycopath book you mentioned?

Its literally called the psychopath test.  Google that and you will find it.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, wilson1 said:

Ami1uwant, where does it say in the official diagnosis that  "Fear for your life" is a criteria for a PTSD diagnosis? It seems people here in the forum are trying to do a diagnosis without even knowing what PTSD is. I posted a link above, you can check it. Yes, i fit the official criteria for PTSD but it is not the point of this thread, so let's not discuss it anymore since it doesn't really add anything to the discussion.

No, she didn't look at me as a booty call, she said she loved me.

 

 

You said she cheated on you...

 

explain to me how this was more than she got someone to take her out for free meals and have sex with as  a casual date. That may have bern her perspective while your view was much more serious.

 

As for PTSD..I have seen a lot of it.  It comes with a traumatic event where you are in fear of your life or safety.front line combat, rape, sexual assault, near death experience like an auto accident or surviving a plane crash. I could see you marrying someone for 20 yrs having a deep secret you never knew like she had a secret past. You dated her a few months.

What you describe isn’t it.  I’m not saying there isn’t something. It’s not ptsd based on what you describe.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-disaster-strikes-inside-disaster-psychology/201806/the-trauma-intimate-partner-betrayal

 

 

 

 

 

[Mystery4u]

She had sex with you on the first date. That was your first red flag and warning sign. That showed that she does not value herself, especially her body. She is happy for anyone to have access to it, without even finding out if they actually deserve it.

Any woman who has sex on the first date is not relationship material.

[mortensorchid]

If you think you have true PTSD then you need to seek professional help on this.  It's a legitimate condition that needs addressing.  

On the issue of the gf and her behaviors?  Well quite honestly this is not a very adult / mature relationship to begin with.  In love?  No, you were in lust with her.  And lust is fine but you have to acknowledge it as lust not love.  Love is much more than than what you had / have with this woman.  Then again, I am 45 and look back on my own mistakes thinking "wow I was so foolish".  But we learn.  So move on from her and get the help you require for the PTSD.

[smackie9]

IMO you ran into a psychopath. They are expert con artists, they know how to put on the charm, talk the talk, and know how to manipulate people into doing things that only benefit them. No one, I mean no one is safe from this type of person. They leave shattered people in their wake. You can't detect them because they think differently from normal people. That's why you never suspected a thing.

The trick now is to not implement drastic measures on an innocent. More than likely you won't meet someone like her again. It wouldn't be fair to treat your next gf differently because you had a run in with a psychopath. It will only destroy any chance you have in having a great relationship. You will have to look at this as an "isolated" incident. It's unfortunate that you had this experience, but you must work on not letting it dictate your behavior or choices.

Edited February 12, 2020 by smackie9

[wilson1]

11 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

Its literally called the psychopath test.  Google that and you will find it.

I downloaded the audiobook thanks!

[wilson1]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

If you think you have true PTSD then you need to seek professional help on this.  It's a legitimate condition that needs addressing.  

On the issue of the gf and her behaviors?  Well quite honestly this is not a very adult / mature relationship to begin with.  In love?  No, you were in lust with her.  And lust is fine but you have to acknowledge it as lust not love.  Love is much more than than what you had / have with this woman.  Then again, I am 45 and look back on my own mistakes thinking "wow I was so foolish".  But we learn.  So move on from her and get the help you require for the PTSD.

Yes, i am already seeing a therapist. Thank you.

[wilson1]

5 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

She had sex with you on the first date. That was your first red flag and warning sign. That showed that she does not value herself, especially her body. She is happy for anyone to have access to it, without even finding out if they actually deserve it.

Any woman who has sex on the first date is not relationship material.

This is a bit extreme. Do you think someone who had sex on a first date can never fall in love and be loyal? 

[preraph]

I agree with you, Wilson.  Grown women sometimes want to have sex or at least some fun, and sometimes that is a one night stand.  There are women on here whose longterm marriages began like that.  It's not right to judge someone by it, especially when it's the pot calling the kettle black, because after all, it takes two to tango.  

[scooby-philly]

On 2/12/2020 at 12:34 PM, wilson1 said:

This is a bit extreme. Do you think someone who had sex on a first date can never fall in love and be loyal? 

This is the classic chicken and egg scenario of dating. It's a 50-50 shot (okay - I don't know the percentage break down and I doubt there's a formal study on it available). Some people are more comfortable with their sexuality and also more open with their emotions and if something feels right they go for it instead of waiting to observe some shame-based theory. Now...the problem is you don't know if on the first date the person you meet is normal and just enjoys sex or if they're an emotional train wreck and they have sex on the first date because underneath it all, they're insecure, or psycho, etc... and just fear you won't want a second date with them if they don't put out. So...the question is how much screening do you do before the first date and also, how experienced are you to pick up on the signs of a problem quickly. Generally, I try to wait for sex till about the third date. The first date is simply - do we have chemistry....like they could sound great on the phone or via a site/app but they're stuck up in person or they're x,y,z,. The second date is all about going out, having some fun, seeing them in a different light (second date is good for bowling, ice skating, mini golf, something outdoorsy, etc.) third date is - do I like this person and how are things progressing. And in my own history - waited for sex till like 6th date with ex-fiancee...didn't work out. had sex on the first date with other two ltrs - didn't work out....so for me, it's not an indicator of future prospect.

[CLS63AMG]

You don't have PTSD.  You got stung by a narcissist, look it up.

[BaileyB]

On 2/12/2020 at 11:34 AM, wilson1 said:

This is a bit extreme. Do you think someone who had sex on a first date can never fall in love and be loyal? 

No, but dating is a period of discovery. Many people tend to go “all in” before taking the time that is needed to truly asses a persons character and whether they will make a good partner. As the saying goes, act in haste, and repent at measure. 

And I would agree with others - you had a bad experience, you are now obsessing about that experience, but I doubt that it would meet the criteria for PTSD. I’m glad you are getting some help to work through this difficult time and wish you all the best moving forward.

Edited February 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

PTSD? it's called a broken heart.

[preraph]

I think you fell in love with the person you hoped she would be.