FaithInTheDark Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 I’m curious what people’s view is on dating a bad texter. ive been dating this guy for a month and it’s been going good except his bad at texting. We see each other about once a week, sometimes twice. It’s usually only once a week because we live across town from each other and both work a lot. we make future plans and he’s always the one that drives to see me, pays for the dates and tells me how much he likes spending time with me. He’s given he a couple gifts from his store too. So I can tell he does like me. When we’re together we have a lot of fun, and have grown closer each time we see each other. hes mentioned on two different occasions he feels bad for not texting they way he knows he should.but “gets busy with running his business” In all fairness, he will reach out once or twice everyday to see how I’m doing/say hello . but it hurts my feelings when I text him, he doesn’t reply for a couple hours, or more. Plus this is when I see him posting online. I feels disrespectful in a way. It turns me off from him too. I realize I want to mirror his actions by ignoring him and that’s not healthy. I don’t text him all day either, I’m very aware of not blowing up his phone. how important is texting in the dating process anyway? I heard it shouldn’t be but I think words of affirmation are a love language for me. I know it’s only a month In ...so I’m just being light hearted and cool the best way I can but I’m wondering is this acceptable? Should I call him out about how it’s making me feel? He’s aware of all of this. i don’t wanna come off controlling or pressure him into this but this is how I feel. any advice?
kendahke Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) 30 minutes ago, FaithInTheDark said: how important is texting in the dating process anyway? it really depends upon the people involved. some people need texting; some people use it only to convey logistics and pertinent information. also, there's a difference between posting online and being caught up in a protracted conversation when for them, texting is a tool for constantly reassuring someone instead of shooting the breeze. Quote hes mentioned on two different occasions he feels bad for not texting they way he knows he should.but “gets busy with running his business” In all fairness, he will reach out once or twice everyday to see how I’m doing/say hello . My advice is to decide whether this really is the hill for your new relationship to die on. The real him isn't a reassuring texter. Despite how well he performs in other areas, that doesn't matter for you because you need hourly reassurance from him. Quote ive been dating this guy for a month Should I call him out about how it’s making me feel? Sure, if you want to kill this off by the end of the week. Quote He’s aware of all of this. and you are aware of how he is, too. You've had a conversation with him and he's told you what's up with him. When you agreed to keep on knowing this information, that was you telling him his twice a day text were enough crumbs for you to make a meal out of. If you need someone who texts more than he does, then you need to go find that guy. This guy ain't that guy and he's told you as much. Edited February 11, 2020 by kendahke 2 2
Author FaithInTheDark Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, kendahke said: it really depends upon the people involved. some people need texting; some people use it only to convey logistics and pertinent information. also, there's a difference between posting online and being caught up in a protracted conversation when for them, texting is a tool for constantly reassuring someone instead of shooting the breeze. My advice is to decide whether this really is the hill for your new relationship to die on. The real him isn't a reassuring texter. Despite how well he performs in other areas, that doesn't matter for you because you need hourly reassurance from him. Sure, if you want to kill this off by the end of the week. and you are aware of how he is, too. You've had a conversation with him and he's told you what's up with him. When you agreed to keep on knowing this information, that was you telling him his twice a day text were enough crumbs for you to make a meal out of. If you need someone who texts more than he does, then you need to go find that guy. This guy ain't that guy and he's told you as much. Thanks for you good feedback. I think it’s not worth breaking it off with him over the poor texting. I know I’d look back and regret it. and maybe if the relationship gets more serious , I can be comfortable enough to talk to him about it. But not now, it’s too early. i know he’d never intend to make me feel bad. when he told me about how he feels bad for not texting, I did play it off like it was fine because I wanted him to know I wasn’t sitting around waiting to hear from him. Which ,I’m not but still I guess I need the reassurance .,,and maybe should of stood up for myself better when the conversation happened. Edited February 11, 2020 by FaithInTheDark
Ambereyes Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) Since you two are somewhat long distance, texting is the only way of bonding and connecting. If he doesnt do texting, how the hell does he expect to have anything with you? If he *really* feels bad for not texting you, then why not change it? Actions over words right? I dont know if he just has a different love language that doesnt include words and affirmation or he just isnt into you enough to make that effort. How about both of you see each other more often? And see if he's willing to put some effort in that. Edited February 11, 2020 by Ambereyes 2 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) If you keep confronting him, you'll be seen as a nag and it will create a downward spiral with him. I know most of us ladies love texting, but the fact that you are so consumed with this means you don't have enough hobbies and a social life with friends. I've been in your shoes and what matters more than the texting is how often he spends quality time with you, and whether he wants a relationship with you. Edited February 11, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 1 2
Author FaithInTheDark Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: If you keep confronting him, you'll be seen as a nag and it will create a downward spiral with him. I know most of us ladies love texting, but the fact that you are so consumed with this means you don't have enough hobbies and a social life with friends. I've been in your shoes and what matters more than the texting is how often he spends quality time with you, and whether he wants a relationship with you. I never confronted him on the texting. He came out and brought it up on his own ,both times. i have a art career, I work 3 jobs and have a huge social circle that’s not the case. Lol I’m just feeling like the communication should be better. Like amber says, seeing each other once a week, texting is the main bond in between the dates. I wont say anything though. But I feel turned off by the 3 hour intervals with this texting. It makes me just not wanna respond when he does lol 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted February 11, 2020 Author Posted February 11, 2020 11 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: If you keep confronting him, you'll be seen as a nag and it will create a downward spiral with him. I know most of us ladies love texting, but the fact that you are so consumed with this means you don't have enough hobbies and a social life with friends. I've been in your shoes and what matters more than the texting is how often he spends quality time with you, and whether he wants a relationship with you. I agree. The dates have been quality. We become progressively closer every time we see each other. When we’re together it’s good. we have two dates already planned out. Thanks for your feedback I appreciate it
contel3 Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 Considering you only see eachother once a week I wanted to say you should find a way to communicate more between dates, like phone calls or something. Then I saw you get upset about a three hours texting break. Honestly, I love texting, but someone expexting me to answer within a three hour window would drive me crazy.... 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 He can't be too bad of a texter, Dexter, if you are getting dates with him.......those are the most important calls and texts. Plenty of people only contact to set a date. If you are lonely, find a friend to text with, or buy a cat. Easy on the cats though, you don't want to become that crazy seven-cat lady! 3
Blind-Sided Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 honestly... for a guy... he sounds like he's a good communicator... and you are looking for a reason to end the relationship. You are letting this eat at you. AND... it almost sounds like you are cyber stalking because you see that he's on social media when you think he should be txt'ing you. So... let me ask... is the social media posts for work, or work related? For me... and for most guys... if I'm sitting on the couch... sure, I may txt back right away. But if I'm working, it could be hours. Heck... if I'm having dinner with my kids it could be hours before I respond. so cut this guy a break if you actually like him, because if you bring this up... he is going to think that you are accusing him of something. AND... if it's something that is tome sensitive... just call him !! My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. 1
clia Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 I honestly think it's a little crazy to get upset over him not responding for 2-3 hours when he's already admitted he's a bad texter, is already reaching out to you once or twice a day and is asking you out on dates. IMO, this is not the hill to die on if everything else is going well. That said, if you need a guy who responds right away (and is basically at your beck and call), then by all means move on and find that guy. 4 1
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) IMO texting is absolutely meaningless. Everything he's doing shows he's into you & a good guy. The fact that you are upset because a business owner isn't texting you back during the work day -- especially when he does reach out approximately twice per day -- is immature & absurd. Just because we have the ability to be connected 24/7 doesn't mean doing so is a good idea. Live your life. Do your own art work during the day & interact with him during your off hours. Be independent & self sufficient. You lived your whole life without him so you don't really need him to get through your day. If you let something this trivial sour you on an all around good guy you will end up lonely due to your own inappropriate neediness & clinginess. Edited February 11, 2020 by d0nnivain 6 2
kendahke Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 10 hours ago, FaithInTheDark said: I’m just feeling like the communication should be better. He texts you twice a day... I could see your point if he texted you once or twice a month. How often do you two have phone conversations--talking or facetiming? 1
kendahke Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 33 minutes ago, kendahke said: He texts you twice a day... I could see your point if he texted you once or twice a month. How often do you two have phone conversations--talking or facetiming? (got distracted and ran out the edit clock) If you try to manipulate him into choosing between doing business/maintaining his livelihood and texting you constantly because you can't self-soothe beyond 3 hours, he's going to grow resentful of you and choose his business/livelihood. My advice is to not say anything more to him. Time to pull up your big girl pants and get on with everything else you say you have going on in your life. You've had two conversations with him about this, so you're not ignorant to what he's handling. If you demand more from him on this point after dating barely 30 days and have had two conversations on the matter, you're going to find he no longer is interested in pursuing you. Business WILL come first because he has to pay his rent and bills. He's not someone's employee--he's the boss. 2
introverted1 Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 14 hours ago, FaithInTheDark said: In all fairness, he will reach out once or twice everyday to see how I’m doing/say hello How much more texting do you need? I'm female and what you've indicated above would be plenty for me. I feel like one of Pavlov's dogs when someone expects me to jump each time my phone dings (which I avoid by keeping it on silent). You've got a fulltime job, he has a business. Two text exchanges per day is plenty, imo, assuming you are seeing each other regularly. The in-person contact is where your emphasis should be. 1
Gaeta Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 My boyfriend is not a texter. When we started dating I'd text him and he'd rarely reply, it's a good thing I didn't get butt hurt by it. He would show his interest by calling me each night before going to bed. Let him work during the day, why do we expect communications during the day! He's busy, you're busy, concentrate on your thing. If you want to hear from him then *call* him at night for a couple of minutes.You will build a sense of familiarity much faster by hearing each other's voice than by reading text.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 I have time, always have time to text during the day at some time. We constantly get into these discussions, but texting is an expected and normal part of today's communication method. Everyone knows it, but some people choose not to engage more or less, in it. Some people are super busy during the day and that is understandable, but if YOU require communication during the day, make that clear to him and let him know that you enjoy as much. This is about communication needs, not really about texting. I text infrequently during the day and don't expect an immediate response as my gf is also very busy. But, I do so anyway. When I have quick thought or compliment I want to randomly send out, it's fun. Again, this is about YOUR communication needs. This could very well be about speaking to him on the phone. Or responding to voicemail. It's about communication and you need to ask him to be a little more responsive or simply deal with his lack of communication. 1
smackie9 Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 It depends on YOU. For some, regular communication is key, for some it's not. It's not wrong or right, it's a preference and an expectation. Like I always say, first impressions count, and date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.
Gaeta Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 42 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Why kind of human being are we becoming if we need *daily text* to feel worthy. We made it up to now without Internet, cellulars, social media. I think we are weakening our character as society with these fake needs, no one can go through a normal day at work now without a 'hello' from their gf or bf? How do they plan of going through life at all if no text between 8 am and 5 pm puts them in an emotional distress. 1 1
Emery1623 Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 I am in a similar situation with a new guy who we do text through out the day but coming out of a long term relationship with someone that was a constant texter it can Be an adjustment... however, if he seems like a good guy and the time you spend together in person feels right than it might be worth trying to adjust your need for constant texting. The bottom line is words are cheap. My ex of 2.5 years texted constantly but it was his actions (or lack there of) that made him who he really is. Look to his actions to see who he really is and how he feels. It’s not easy but it can be done.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) How important it is to you is up to you. It's very important to me, as it's part of communication, and communication is key. My boyfriend and I text little sweet stuff a few times during the workday, and it's such a nice pick-me-up. It lets me know I'm on his mind and he cares. I don't buy the "busy" excuse myself. We both have high responsibility at work, him much more, both hard workers and high performers. Anybody, including him, can find 2 minutes to send a text or two now and then. However, we all let certain things slide if we want a peaceful, happy relationship. You just have to decide if you can let this slide or not. There's nothing wrong at all in telling him how much you enjoy his texts, how they brighten your day. Hopefully that'll encourage him to do it more. Edited February 11, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 1 1
Ambereyes Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 For those of you who think OP wants too much texting, or "two text exchanges per day is plenty" ,oh please... Imagine your date texts you "hey good morning" and then "hey good evening ", and barely anything substantial in between and that's pretty much all you get everyday for a week, that'd be good enough for you? C'mon If that's the case for OP, I dont blame her for feeling alone and disconnected. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 Just now, Ambereyes said: For those of you who think OP wants too much texting, or "two text exchanges per day is plenty" ,oh please... Imagine your date texts you "hey good morning" and then "hey good evening ", and barely anything substantial in between and that's pretty much all you get everyday for a week, that'd be good enough for you? C'mon If that's the case for OP, I dont blame her for feeling alone and disconnected. Good morning & good night texts annoy the ^%$# out of me. Most texting annoys me. the meaningless ones like those raise my ire faster then the long ones but I hate those too. Texts are for short factual things like "I'm running late"; "pick up milk" or "I'm at the table in the back." They are not for conversations & should never be used to build a relationship. If all you have are texts, you have nothing. If you have a device between you, you are not connecting. This guy is already texting her multiple times during the day. He asks about her day. They go on dates. He buys her things. They have a good time when they are together & that has to court for more then some text message especially since she's getting 2+ per day. They only live across town from each other. I'd be more concerned that they can't manage to see each other more then once per week but then again it's only been a month. How much more togetherness do you need this early? people can't seem to function independently any more with checking in with their brand new SOs constantly. It's annoying & comes off as clingy, needy & unattractive. In the beginning you have to build emotional intimacy slowly. This nonsense about being together 24/7 gives you a false sense that the relationship is more then it really is. 1
Ambereyes Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: This guy is already texting her multiple times during the day. He asks about her day. I dont see that. All I see is OP saying "he will reach out once or twice everyday to see how I’m doing/say hello " and otherwise "he takes hours to reply" . that sounds to me is exactly "hey good morning" and that's pretty much it. You cant have any substantial conversation when it takes hours to get a reply. It's never ideal to rely on texting but in her situation she has to. They dont get to see each other enough and if they just cant manage to see each other regularly, he has to up his texting game. Edited February 11, 2020 by Ambereyes 1
Miss Spider Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Ambereyes said: I dont see that. All I see is OP saying "he will reach out once or twice everyday to see how I’m doing/say hello " and otherwise "he takes hours to reply" that sounds to me is exactly "hey good morning". You cant have any substantial conversation when it takes hours to get a reply. It's never ideal to rely on texting but in her situation she has to. They dont get to see each other enough and if they just cant manage to see each other regularly, he has to up his texting game. I agree. If there was other communication like more dates or even phone calls I’d say this was a little more understandable. But seeing someone once a week then ignoring texts in between sounds like lukewarm interest to me. Edited February 11, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
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