Can I fix this or is it over before it began?

[caputo77]

I (24F) started seeing this guy (25M) a little over six weeks ago. Everything has been absolutely perfect. We see each other 1-2x a week, go on thoughtful dates, have SO much fun together, and are very open and honest with one another. We are not exclusive at this point, but have had a conversation about what we’re looking for and are both on the same page that we want a serious relationship. He has been very open about his feelings for me and all of his actions thus far have 100% completely supported his words so I have had no reason to doubt he’s being genuine.

 

However, we are currently in a bit of a fight. Friday night we cooked dinner at home and he spent the night (not for the first time) and the whole thing was great and fun and normal. But he had previously invited me on a weekend trip with him and his friends for next weekend and after our date I was regretting that I hadn’t brought it up because I wanted to talk about it. A trip felt like a big step and I was feeling uncertain. Later in the day on Saturday I sent him a long text regarding the anxieties I was having about the trip. He answered my text in a very dismissive way which is unlike him...so  I told him I was a bit confused by his answer and suggested we talk about it next time we see each other to avoid any miscommunication. He agreed and I figured that was that. 

 

Then later in the night he texted me again and turns out he was extremely annoyed with me. I haven’t encountered this from him before. He said he had invited me on the trip because he thought it would be fun. That’s it. It was supposed to be casual and nothing more than that, and he didn’t like that I made it into a “big deal”. He said he really had a great time with me on our date, but that now he feels like things are really weird/off between us because of the way I handled this and he doesn’t like it. I apologized for overthinking it and for not bringing it up in person and tried to explain from my perspective why a trip together and meeting his friends felt like possibly too much. He just kept reiterating that it wasn’t supposed to be a “big deal” and he’s sorry he made me feel that way. It was going in circles so I asked if I could see him before he leaves. He said probably not before he leaves, but maybe next week when he gets back. I asked him to let me know and he said he would keep me updated. Since then we have not spoken. And this after we have talked almost all day every day for 6+ weeks now. 

 

I am completely floored. I didn’t expect this to turn into such a big thing. I obviously handled my emotions poorly and misread how open I could be with him at this early stage. I also acknowledge that I can be insecure, that I definitely overthought it, and that it is definitely not something I should’ve brought up over text. That is a lesson learned. But things were going so perfect and I could tell his feelings for me were growing, so I’m hurt that he doesn’t seem to be able to give me the benefit of the doubt here and just talk to me. I’m feeling so much regret now, because I feel like if I just hadn’t let my anxiety get the best of me, we could’ve gone and had a really good time and moved our relationship forward. Now instead we’re not going to be able to see each other and work this out for a while.

 

I have no idea what to do now. Is there any way I can fix this? Since he hasn’t reached out, I feel like he just doesn’t want to talk and I don’t want to push it. Is it just completely out of my hands now and do I just need to accept that I seriously messed up? 

[stillafool]

Well maybe he meant he will talk to you when he returns from his trip.  When did you last speak to him?

[Fletch Lives]

It's a little soon for him to get mad and to have arguments - you don't know each other well enough to do that. It sounds like he's structured, or a control freak. I don't like him.
 

[Noproblem]

Can you write you wrote to him in your txt msg explaining why you didn't want to go on a trip.

So, I can see if his reaction was too much or warranted.

No need to put names, just copy paste or something.

I feel you overreacted and he decided that you are too much .. I assume he is looking for outgoing, fun girls and your text msg made him believe you are not what he thought you were..

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Noproblem

[scooby-philly]

Avoiding any judgment of him since you haven't shared a lot about him or your dynamic and relationship a few points:

• Sometimes people (especially when they're younger) - don't realize how much someone else may feel awkward or not ready for something like this. Even if you have met these friends already, going as a "couple" is a major step. If you had already been friends with him or his friends that would lesson the anxiety (I would hope) for you - but it's a legitimate feeling for you.
• Now some people in your shoes would have totally freaked out more than you did - you seemed to try and remain calm and thoughtful. And others would have had little to no issue. But....the question is where you lie on the spectrum....
• And based on that sure, you could have been more patient and also brought it up on person....BUT...
• He could have been a lot more understanding of you
• He could definitely be nicer, more polite, and more understanding in his communication with you
• And he could also try and be more considerate of your feelings. If he's like me - I would think that sort of thing is nothing to worry about, but I'm older and wiser enough now to understand others perceptions, they way they were raised, prior experience, etc can lead to anxiety. And after such a short-time being together I would have invited you with different language - "hey, I've got this trip planned, would love for you to come along but if you can't or think it's too soon, no worries and we'll work our schedule seeing each other around it". And while he did apologize for making it seem like a big deal, he's probably not 100% clued in yet to you so early in the "relationship" so he doesn't see things from your perspective but it's a least a decent sign of him slowly getting there.

Talk to him when he comes back, IN PERSON, and see how the discussion goes. 

[preraph]

Don't go chasing him down or groveling over this.  It shouldn't have gotten so blown out of proportion.  I can see where going out of town with a group of friends you don't know might cause some anxiety.  These days you probably should really see someone long enough to trust them before you do something like that.  But from his perspective, it was probably just another date.  

 

You do kind of need to know if a guy is shady or has shady friends.  I mean, traveling with strangers wouldn't be a good idea.  They could get stopped by the police and have meth or something, you don't know, and get you in trouble too.  If there's anything shady about them, they theoretically could even be human traffickers.  Men don't think about these things because no one wants to pimp them out!  But there's nothing wrong with a young woman being cautious.  If he can't see your side of it, I guess it's over.  I mean, you need someone who has some empathy and listens.  

 

Have you met his friends before at all?  

Edited February 10, 2020 by preraph

[caputo77]

12 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

Can you write you wrote to him in your txt msg explaining why you didn't want to go on a trip.

I assume he is looking for outgoing, fun girls and your text msg made him believe you are not what he thought you were..

 

Basically I said “Sorry I didn’t bring this up earlier in person but I think what I really wanted was to have a conversation together about whether or not a trip together would be too much too soon. I really do want to meet your friends and the thought of going on a trip with you is exciting to me. I just felt conflicted and didn’t want to encroach and kept going back and forth in my head. That being said, if you think it would be fun for me to go, let’s talk about it. Sorry I realize I’m being kind of confusing.”

There were maybe 2-3 more sentences in the original text, I just don’t want to include too many identifying details/details of where we were supposed to go

He definitely wants a fun/outgoing girl. I am a fun/outgoing girl and have been one on all 10 of our previous dates because that’s who I am. For him to drop me because I expressed anxiety about something more involved one time seems unfair. 

17 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

Avoiding any judgment of him since you haven't shared a lot about him or your dynamic and relationship a few points:

Thank you very much for validating my reaction/feelings, it is making me feel a lot better  

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

Don't go chasing him down or groveling over this.  It shouldn't have gotten so blown out of proportion. 
 

Have you met his friends before at all?  

I have not met any of his friends before which was one of my main hesitations. I do really want to meet them because they’re important to him and I’m sure we’d get along fine. I like to party and drink but from stories he’s told it sounds like some of his friends sometimes get out of control. I’d be fine with drinking with them in a setting in which I could leave whenever I wanted, but didn’t want to put myself into any uncomfortable situations being with them for a whole weekend. Or make him feel like he had to hold back on having fun because I was there. 

[preraph]

You did the right thing, then.  And you need to let him know you don't like "out of control" situations.  He may simply not be a match.  

[scooby-philly]

And he may be a nice guy and his friends are normal (as they come) dudes. A good man learns to appreciate (and this goes for women too) their woman's feelings and how to see things from their perspective.

[preraph]

A normal guy would have not just sulled up and would have talked to you about your concerns.  

[caputo77]

11 minutes ago, preraph said:

A normal guy would have not just sulled up and would have talked to you about your concerns.  

This is why part of me is wondering if this is all about something else maybe? Or maybe I’m just completely reading his texts in a more malicious tone than he meant.

 I mean it when I say he’s been perfect for the past 6 weeks. Every time I had a concern or expressed my feelings he listened attentively and empathetically addressed my needs. I’m wondering now if maybe his reaction came out of a place of embarrassment. Maybe he had already told friends I was coming or maybe he felt embarrassed that by inviting me he revealed that he thought the relationship had reached a further point than I thought we were at. Maybe that’s why he was emphasizing it not being a big deal so much because he was trying to play it cool? I don’t know.
 

Either way I guess it can only be resolved by us actually talking in person. Hopefully he still cares enough to make that happen. 

[preraph]

If not, then he is flawed, because this isn't how you handle small conflicts.  I mean, this shouldn't even really be something that would make him mad.  Maybe he's had a gf before who didn't LIKE his friends.  Anyway, this is no way for him to handle this and you certainly wouldn't want to match up with someone longterm who couldn't get through something like this without being pouty and hostile.  Yes, I think you just wait and see if he contacts you upon his return.  It's soon enough.  He already knows you still want to see him.  Don't be texting him while he's busy with his friends unless he starts it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, caputo77 said:

I said “Sorry I didn’t bring this up earlier in person but I think what I really wanted was to have a conversation together about whether or not a trip together would be too much too soon. I really do want to meet your friends and the thought of going on a trip with you is exciting to me. I just felt conflicted and didn’t want to encroach and kept going back and forth in my head. That being said, if you think it would be fun for me to go, let’s talk about it. Sorry I realize I’m being kind of confusing.”

OP, he obviously thought it would be fun for you to go or he wouldn't have invited you in the first place. He wasn't worried about you encroaching on his plans.

The issue for me with the message you sent would have been that you don't seem to be able to say what you mean (which is that you felt it was too soon) without couching it as a fear of encroaching or not knowing if he thought you would have fun. Those last two weren't issues for him. They were yours, and it's okay to own that. It's okay to be worried that you wouldn't have a good time; just don't try to make it a fear you think he had when it's clear that he really didn't. 

You have every right to be anxious and hesitant about making such a trip, just as he has every right to feel disappointed and rejected that you were essentially trying to back out of it. He's feeling that sting right now, and probably will as the trip approaches and unfolds. My guess is that he might be willing to talk more once the dust settles. 

[Ruby Slippers]

He handled this very poorly. A halfway decent person would have been understanding about your hesitation and let it go. There will always be another trip. 

You have nothing to feel bad about. Like many young women, you're now blaming yourself for being too emotional or whatever, when you did nothing wrong.

Please don't kowtow to this guy. He was rude and inconsiderate and you don't need to take the fall to make him feel better. All that will do is communicate to him that you're a doormat and he can step on you all he likes - not attractive or productive or healthy.

Leave him alone completely. If he comes back around with a humble, sincere apology, you can think about whether to accept it and move forward. If not, he's not worth your precious time.

[ccas93]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, he obviously thought it would be fun for you to go or he wouldn't have invited you in the first place. He wasn't worried about you encroaching on his plans.

The issue for me with the message you sent would have been that you don't seem to be able to say what you mean (which is that you felt it was too soon) without couching it as a fear of encroaching or not knowing if he thought you would have fun. Those last two weren't issues for him. They were yours, and it's okay to own that. It's okay to be worried that you wouldn't have a good time; just don't try to make it a fear you think he had when it's clear that he really didn't. 

You have every right to be anxious and hesitant about making such a trip, just as he has every right to feel disappointed and rejected that you were essentially trying to back out of it. He's feeling that sting right now, and probably will as the trip approaches and unfolds. My guess is that he might be willing to talk more once the dust settles. 

This advice right here is spot on, OP

[GeorgiaPeach1]

26 minutes ago, caputo77 said:

This is why part of me is wondering if this is all about something else maybe? Or maybe I’m just completely reading his texts in a more malicious tone than he meant.

 I mean it when I say he’s been perfect for the past 6 weeks. Every time I had a concern or expressed my feelings he listened attentively and empathetically addressed my needs. I’m wondering now if maybe his reaction came out of a place of embarrassment. Maybe he had already told friends I was coming or maybe he felt embarrassed that by inviting me he revealed that he thought the relationship had reached a further point than I thought we were at. Maybe that’s why he was emphasizing it not being a big deal so much because he was trying to play it cool? I don’t know.
 

Either way I guess it can only be resolved by us actually talking in person. Hopefully he still cares enough to make that happen. 

Six weeks means nothing. You haven't even scratched the surface of who this man is as a person. It's possible your message came across as harsh. It's also possible he has a different side you didn't know about that surfaces under stress. Have you been intimate with him? If so, it's possible he thought you two were much further along as a couple, and your reluctance to go on the trip surprised and embarrassed him. Either way, I'd cut my losses. If this is how he handles misunderstandings and conflict NOW, imagine how he likely behaves once the honeymoon stage is over.

[caputo77]

Thanks everyone for the great advice.

There are details not included in my original post that might clarify some things. 
1. The reason I included the stuff about not wanting to encroach in the text was because he had brought up the trip a few times before he invited me so I know it was something already planned. When he did invite me, we had both been drinking. I asked him to ask me again the next day when we were both sober. He seemed rejected for a moment but we moved on and had a great night. The next day I apologized for dropping the subject and thanked him for inviting me. He extended the invitation again, at which point I said I would be interested in coming. Then he started to seem to be backtracking, saying “IF it ends up being a group thing you should come” and “I’ll let you know details later.” Come this past weekend I still had no details and he did not bring it up at all. The trip is in a week. I began to wonder if circumstances had changed and he didn’t know how to uninvite me. In retrospect I guess that would be his problem and I should’ve let him figure it out instead of trying to avoid the discomfort of that should it even happen. 
2. The morning before I sent the text, I did briefly bring up the trip IN PERSON and said I didn’t want to go because it felt like too much. I had been nervous and I said this right as we were saying goodbye because I had been hoping he’d mention it first. So at that point there wasn’t really room for conversation about it because I was literally getting out of his car. BUT he did respond appropriately that time, saying ok, I understand, no problem. That was literally it. 
3. Later when I sent the text, I guess I sent it because I was second guessing my abrupt “no” that I had said out of nervousness. I guess maybe I really was seeking way too much validation from him that he wanted me to go and that it would be okay when I should’ve just been able to provide that for myself. He answered my original text appropriately in that he once again said he understood and it was okay. I got frustrated there because it appears he didn’t read my whole text where I said let’s talk about it...that’s when I said I was confused and when the conversation headed south. 
 

Sorry I’m being confusing guys. I think I’m just starting to work through what the heck I was up to as I’m writing all this out. I didn’t mean to make him sound like the villain. I think he responded appropriately at all points until he just got exasperated with me because I kept pushing the subject even though it shouldn’t have been a big deal either way that I decided. I was being indecisive and I guess I wanted him to tell me what to do. Stupid and needy. I just don’t think I knew what I wanted and I was trying to find clarity by pushing it way too far. 
 

This is what I mean when I say I overthought it and THIS is why I now don’t know how to fix this. 

[Ruby Slippers]

5 minutes ago, caputo77 said:

I was being indecisive and I guess I wanted him to tell me what to do. Stupid and needy. I just don’t think I knew what I wanted and I was trying to find clarity by pushing it way too far. 

This is what I mean when I say I overthought it and THIS is why I now don’t know how to fix this. 

You're way overthinking all of this, another common mistake that young women make. And by calling yourself stupid and needy, you're beating yourself up about it, another common mistake. 

The way you fix it is to disconnect from the source of your anxiety, BREATHE, and regroup. 

Like all of us, you need to learn to tune in to your inner voice moment to moment, make solid decisions, and stick to them. Sure, we all make mistakes, but the best we can do is make the best decision at the time. Your initial decision not to go because it's too soon was right for you. If you'd simply relaxed and trusted that you made a good decision, all would have been well.

If you really think you created all this drama, I'd send him a BRIEF message explaining that and wishing him a good time on the trip. If he cares about you at all, he'll try to forgive and he'll be back in touch when he returns. Do not message him while he's away. Let him enjoy the trip, and give him the space to come back around if and when he wants to.

[2BGoodAgain]

Isn't it simply perfect, when you don't know much about each other... or think you do?

the funny thing about words like "honesty".. is that it's a word with so many variations... when two diff people say "honest" they could mean two completely different ideas of honesty. It seemed like you were being honest and open with him about your uncertainty, etc...,  yet he got butt hurt by your passive rejection of his trip idea and brooded. His explanation of no big deal, belies that it WAS a big deal... b/c if it really was no big deal... yes or no, it would be "no big deal". lol. 

i'm not laughing at you, but kinda laughing at his immaturity and lack of self awareness at his own idiocy. ooh, sorry. i shouldn't insult a guy you like.

is this really who you want to spend your days with? someone who is fun sometimes, and broody like a sulky kid the next?

just food for thought.

[introverted1]

Not a good idea to have these types of conversations in text.

My guess is that he's told his friends you're going on the trip and now that you've bowed out, he feels embarrassed to have to tell them you won't be coming. 

[snowboy91]

You're well within your rights to express your concerns. While I think that explaining your point of view over text wasn't the best idea, your feelings about going on a weekend trip weren't respected. 

A relationship has to move at a pace where both people feel comfortable. If it were up to me, going on a trip with a partner's friends at the 6 week mark is too soon, especially if you haven't met them before. It doesn't matter if he feels this is meant to be "casual", you're the one who may find it stressful.

My gut feeling here is that he's been kind and respectful so far, but it's a version of being patient - which is wearing thin for him, and the discussion about the trip finally broke him.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I think he is defensive because this trip was supposed to be a big deal, but you have basically rejected him and so now he is defensive and claiming it was not a big deal.

If you two had shared the expenses, I could see this being reasonable, but travelling after a month in is definitely suspect. 

I have a buddy who took some chick travelling after knowing her for a week, met on Tinder, banged on first date, then a week in they travelling, come back, she says cya and hes all heartbroken... A lot of these guys end up setting themselves up for falls in this way, by travelling early and spending like that early, because they feel used by the woman, when in reality, the guy probably just manifested several unattractive qualities while you two had spent all your time together.

I think you dodged the bullet here and did everything right, except you should of spoke to him about the trip in person and gauged his reaction.

[schlumpy]

I support your decision not to go. You do not him well enough to put yourself in a situation where you must rely on those around you to stay safe. Never feel bad or apologize for protecting yourself.

[Foxhall]

Yes you have done nothing wrong here, you simply seeked reassurance that you would feel comfortable on this outing,

if he is unable to reassure you or put your mind at ease, perhaps it would be better to take a step back and consider that the two of you may not be as compatible as you thought.

no point having a guy who puts you under pressure.

[caputo77]

Update y’all: he just sent me a text and ended things. After 6 weeks of pursuing me and telling me how much he likes me and making future plans with me and inviting me on trips. Oh well. If he honestly couldn’t handle this then I guess I definitely dodged a bullet. Thank you all for the support, I honestly feel like I am able to handle this well now because I know it’s not all my fault!