overwhelmedabit Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 I've been dating someone about 100 miles away for 6 months. Things are our relationship are very calm and passionate at the same time so no complaints here; however, like everything in life, there are always issues. In my opinion, he can be somewhat clingy and needy in terms of being with me. I'm a very independent woman and have been single for almost 10 years; he's been single for almost the same amount of time - 3 years since his last relationship and much less than that time for me. He sees me every weekend and b/c I work, that leaves little time for me. I realize we don't see each other during the week but I think sometimes it's ok not to see each other on weekends. He does have one weekend coming up next month that he'll be attending a conference so I'll have that time for myself but I don't expect that to happen too much. He also will be getting surgery in a month or so, which means I'll drive to him and maybe I'll be able to carve some time for myself, but not certain since he has no family in his area but only friends most of whom work all week. He also hugs me a lot and shows affection - again, a really nice thing that I enjoy but sometimes it seems like I'm suffocating a bit. He wants to marry me as soon as I say ok (he's been divorced twice the last time over 10 years ago) and I've been married once and was widowed, no divorce - in my head, I'd have him live with me first for 6-12 months to see if we are really compatible but he'd need to sell his house and his business first, so he'd be taking a bit of a gamble even though he has no family left in his town and many of his friends are retiring and moving as well. I do appreciate him and have said to him I need more time but I can't be with anyone who can be or is possessive. He is fine with us meeting my friends and his and doesn't seem concerned if I'm out with my friends from time to time, so I'm not certain he is possessive - but then what is he?
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 32 minutes ago, overwhelmedabit said: He wants to marry me as soon as I say ok (he's been divorced twice the last time over 10 years ago) This would have raised a red flag for me, above everything else. Him wanting to spend a lot of time together could simply be a compatibility issue. There are ways to address those sorts of things so you can still feel as though you have some "me time" without causing upset. I too like a lot of personal time, so I can appreciate your need for healthy space. But talk of marriage already would make me uncomfortable. How did this come up, and what did he say, exactly? 1
TaintedLuv Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 For me personally, if I’m really into and liking someone, I want to see them often and be “mushy”. I’m a very affectionate person WHEN I really like someone. The times that I’m not, I feel exactly how you described. The fact that you’re a bit apprehensive in being more welcoming to his gestures gives the impression that maybe he’s not the one for you? I’m very independent and self sufficient so I understand the need to do your own thing but it comes down to your mindset about the relationship and maybe you’re not on the same page? 3
scooby-philly Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 Hey OP, 38M here. I'm totally affectionate, big teddy bear kind of guy. I like and give and need tons of affection. Quality time and touch (especially touch) are my two love languages and I was in a similar LDR for almost two years (though she was a lot younger and never had a real bf before me) But, even for me, I'm an introvert so there's times I need my personal space - my career, the non-profit I run, or just to chill and read or play a video game - that even the teddy bear I am needs to hibernate. So based on what you said my reaction is... He's possibly (and I'm saying possibly) and emotional train wreck. I had an axious attachment style when I was younger (still not completely healed), fears of abandonment, and very little self-esteem - but I've worked on that for myself and so I can be healthier and better in a relationship. Sounds like this guy has not done that work You're in LDR and you're work schedules don't line up. That's killer. LDR's are typically impossible to work out long term usually because someone is hesitant to be the one to "take the plunge" and move if they're not already planning on it, or one person meets someone local, etc. So the fact that you're schedules don't align only exacerbates the LDR dynamic He's not possessive (I mean, based on what you described). He's needy and has an attachment disorder. Even if he's "old fashioned" and doesn't believe in co-habitation before marriage, he's rushing into something and not thinking. I would be very cautious with this guy. Very cautious.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 This could be an issue. My partner and I constantly text, show affection and spend our free time together. This is way different the another guy I dated. He was crazy clingy to a point that I wanted to be single. If he starts demanding 24/7 communication or guilts you into spending time w/him, dump him. The guy also accused me of cheating on him and even got mad at for watching a group of guys playing on the beach.
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 Been there done that....put the brakes on with the marriage stuff, and tell him you just want to coast for now.
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 He can't really stand to be alone. 2 prior divorces, the need to see you every weekend & already talking about marriage a mere 6 months into an LDR. . . all of that combined would make me put on the brakes. I think you are right to want to live together before marriage. Hopefully his need to monopolize your time would diminish when you had more time together.
preraph Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 You are not going to like living with him or maybe anyone. Some people just need their space. I do. No, that won't change because that's how you are. You can barely tolerate one weekend, so you need to just let him know you don't want to live with him and that's you just don't like having someone around all the time. Nothing wrong with that. 2
Miss Spider Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) I understand how you feel, but I think you will be hard pressed to find a guy who is okay with seeing someone he is in a long term, monogo relationship with less than two days a week. IMO they’ll want to see you daily even if they say it’s ok. I think you are mainly only escaping this due to the distance and it’s probably not sustainable. As someone who needs as much alone time as you need to, you may need to consider other types of dating situations. Idk it’s a difficult circumstance Edited February 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough
kendahke Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 From reading you post, it would seem that you're really not enough into him to make this worthwhile for either of you. Yes, the talk of marriage is waaaaaaaaaaay too soon and the distance is the other factor. There are only so many hours in the day and you're used to your weekends being your alone time. He's wanting to be included in your time, which is quite normal. You don't and that's going to be what causes friction. I don't see enough compatibility in your post to advise you to work this out. You sound like you're trying to convince yourself that you need to end this. Eventually, the object is to incorporate each other in your lives and you are resisting that. You may just be one of those people who is happier when they are alone and have no obligations to someone else and their need for companionship. 1
major_merrick Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 Well, I'm guessing you don't really love the guy yet. If you do, then don't freak out. If you don't, then let him know you aren't quite there yet. For me, 6 months isn't too short a time to know I want to be with somebody.
Ami1uwant Posted February 11, 2020 Posted February 11, 2020 11 hours ago, overwhelmedabit said: I've been dating someone about 100 miles away for 6 months. Things are our relationship are very calm and passionate at the same time so no complaints here; however, like everything in life, there are always issues. In my opinion, he can be somewhat clingy and needy in terms of being with me. I'm a very independent woman and have been single for almost 10 years; he's been single for almost the same amount of time - 3 years since his last relationship and much less than that time for me. He sees me every weekend and b/c I work, that leaves little time for me. I realize we don't see each other during the week but I think sometimes it's ok not to see each other on weekends. He does have one weekend coming up next month that he'll be attending a conference so I'll have that time for myself but I don't expect that to happen too much. He also will be getting surgery in a month or so, which means I'll drive to him and maybe I'll be able to carve some time for myself, but not certain since he has no family in his area but only friends most of whom work all week. He also hugs me a lot and shows affection - again, a really nice thing that I enjoy but sometimes it seems like I'm suffocating a bit. He wants to marry me as soon as I say ok (he's been divorced twice the last time over 10 years ago) and I've been married once and was widowed, no divorce - in my head, I'd have him live with me first for 6-12 months to see if we are really compatible but he'd need to sell his house and his business first, so he'd be taking a bit of a gamble even though he has no family left in his town and many of his friends are retiring and moving as well. I do appreciate him and have said to him I need more time but I can't be with anyone who can be or is possessive. He is fine with us meeting my friends and his and doesn't seem concerned if I'm out with my friends from time to time, so I'm not certain he is possessive - but then what is he? What is is the longest time you have bern together at one time...about 48 hrs? 1
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