Blind-Sided Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 Hi All, As you may recall... I've had a few friends who have set up some dates, and group outings with their single friends. A few of these were an absolute blast, and had a great time. (as there was no expectations) But, then there was a night where it was just my friend, and her husband, me and the girl they were introducing me to. That night was fun, but I was in a silent panic because it felt too real. The conclusion was, I was in a 20 year relationship, and I felt like I was cheating. (Even though my divorce was final, and I truly am over my ex) After that, there was a very young girl (27, I'm 47) who has been txt'ing, and sending me snapchats. It was a mood lifter, and it really helped, even though I know I can't progress with her. So, after my last business trip, my kids came back to my house, and my friend was wondering if I was going to ask out a new girl. (friend of hers) But every time I thought about it... I was in that panic again, and I kept putting it off. When the weekend was approaching, the ex sent me a message, and wound up with the flu. because of that, my kids were going to stay with me longer. While I wanted to go out... it was almost a relief that I had a reason to not contact this new girl, since I couldn't go out. A week later, I was wanting to get in touch with someone to go out on a date. But when Friday rolled around, I started wondering about issues with getting into another relationship... and I just couldn't contact anyone. Well... last night, my one friend gave me hell, and told me I was coming out with her and her husband... and to shut up. LOL. I agreed because I just didn't want to sit at home. But, when I got to the restaurant, I was informed that a girl who I already met, was also coming. She is nice, a little shy, and is around 10 years younger than me. The evening went great, we all had fun at dinner, and at a local bar with live music, but around 11:30 I decided I needed to go. I said my goodbyes to my friend and her husband, but this girl decided to walk out with me. We talked for a minute or two... but I couldn't even bring myself to give her a goodbye hug. Mind you... I hugged my female friend as I was leaving. AND, as an FYI, this is the 3rd time I've been out with this girl. (in a group setting) As I go to my car, I felt like an idiot. This girl came out on a moment's notice to meet me again. I know she is interested at some level... but I couldn't give her an indication that I may be interest also. When I got home, I sent her a message saying it was fun, and I hope to be able to get together soon. She responded saying she would like that. With this girl, I know she is also recently divorced, so I'm sure she doesn't want things progress quick either. Anyway... How in the heck do I get out of my own head !!!!!!!!!! I know a date isn't marriage, and I have 4 different girls who would like to get to know me better. I was never this way in collage. (Before I was married)
preraph Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 Maybe it's just too soon. Or maybe you don't want to date with the urgency of youth! 1
chillii Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 (edited) lt's just too soon man, simple. You need whatever time you need to come to terms with everything ex and then , to actually want to actually start over and adjust to this new life. l was married 20 yrs and l stayed alone almost 4 yrs, might have gotten into something a little sooner if the right woman popped up l dunno , but l didn't feel like it consciously l do know that much. Your friends w is just trying to help ahh. a bit too eagerly haha , she probably means well but most people just don't get that it needs time. l had a few women saying things and giving me a nudge , but any mates were saying opposite and why would l even want to get tangled up with another woman and relationship so soon , think they envied me being single again , stay single as long as l can , play about if l want, but don't get involved . Dunno why but the women were always in a hurry for this stuff. But the friends friend had obviously asked her a bit as well , your friend wouldn't be setting that up if her friend wasn't into it , so she probably wants to spend more time with you. Anyway , you could need a yr or a few yrs yet , just see how you naturally feel as you go. Although , if you were to just accidentally meet someone that was just the right person , or actually do really like that friend , things could be different , but you just need time apart from the exception of someone very special just popping up. Edited February 9, 2020 by chillii 2
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 Tell your friends to butt out. Married people like playing matchmaker and like everyone paired up, as it is neat and there are no loose ends around potentially causing trouble. Single people need paired up ASAP... They have found you the "perfect" woman, she is single you are single, what's not to like? BUT you did not choose this girl, this girl has been foisted upon you. In college you were in control, you dated who you liked, here there is external pressure. You don't want to let your friends down or miss the opportunity either, but it is all too soon and too contrived. You were "blindsided" only a year ago... 2
Author Blind-Sided Posted February 10, 2020 Author Posted February 10, 2020 @preraph and @chillii. I'm guessing you are right about it being too soon. And I kind of realized that. As far as the point of "play about if I want"... I guess that's really the part I'm having troubles with. It's been over a year since I've been physical with anyone... and mentally I'm kind of in need that. Not just sex, but normal closeness to someone else. But since I have a good moral compass... I don't want to hurt anyone, or lead anyone on. Especially a friend of a friend. @elaine567... you are right about the "I was in control" in college. And I guess I didn't think about that. (Vs now and the match making part of it) As far as asking her to butt out... well... I was the one who asked her to introduce me to some of the other people she knows. So far... she has introduced me to 4 different girls, in different settings. I think when it's day time, and there is more of a group... I haven't had a problem with it. And honestly... I feel great, and on some level, it's the closeness I need. I can talk on just about any subject, and I've always been good in keeping conversation going. BUT... It's in the evening, and the anticipation of "What's next" is what starts to get things stirring in me. There is a second friend who wants me to meet a couple of her friends. And that's the one I was supposed to contact after my last trip. But she didn't help anything because one of her comments was... "If it's love, then you have to invite me to the wedding." (I hadn't even sent this girl a txt yet) And finally... there is a third lady (Friend of the first friend) who loves to play match maker, and she has a list too. LOL I was laughing the day I met her, and she was showing me pictures on her phone. Anyway... thanks for the words of wisdom. Being able to talk through this is always helpful to me. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 You're not ready ... and/or you're just not feeling it for this new woman. There is a certain amount of internal healing and adjusting ... and inner shifting that has to go on after a relationship. You might also be a bit depressed and just needing time away from social life--which is quite common after a divorce. There is no "should" in expressing dating interest. When I got home, I sent her a message saying it was fun, and I hope to be able to get together soon. Cut this out! Stop sending messages that don't reflect your real feelings. You cannot force yourself into wanting to go out with someone. You're doing a mind-eff on yourself there---committing yourself to following up when you don't want to follow up. News: there is no requirement to follow up. You don't owe someone an explanation for not having interest. When you are ready to date, you will NOT have to talk yourself into dating. You will hug someone without thinking, without effort. You only confused this woman--and yourself-- by saying you'd like to see her again. Why did you say such a thing against what you strongly feel? Well ... because somehow you have talked yourself into not accepting where you are emotionally right now. The longer you reject where you are now, the more you will prolong your misery. And there's nothing wrong with telling your friends, "Hey, I thought I was ready to date, but I'm not." You also may need to strengthen your boundaries. If you don't think you can control the pace of a relationship ... and slow it down or speed it up ... or say no ... or stop ... as you want ... If you think of relationships as diving off a cliff ... or nothing ... then yes, you're going to keep some distance ... because the divorce is still on your mind. Do not underestimate the inner turmoil and fallout of a divorce. I initiated a divorce and the fallout was still quite devastating. The person you thought you were going to be with til death turned out not to be a person you could have a relationship with. That's a devastating realization. It's not unusual for people to lose confidence in their people-picking skills after a divorce ... And really there is often deeper work, deeper feelings that come out only over time. To stay in a relationship, we sorta work to minimize and overlook all kinds of things (if we aren't careful). Then you get out of the marriage and all kinds of formerly suppressed feelings can come up. Random moments from the marriage--which looked like just so much noise--are now revealed as meaningful signs of problems. So cut yourself a break. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date. Having said all of that, the simple truth could be, you're just not that into this new woman. Lemme guess: she's pretty enough for you ... and bright enough ... and checks a bunch of the items on the list ... and so you're thinking you SHOULD be interested. Nope. Interest transcends items on the list. Hang in there! By all means, quit telling people you want to see them again, when you do NOT want to see them again. 1
chillii Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) Yeah , didn't wanna play around that was just mates telling me l should just play round. Didn't feel like it myself. l did very much miss intimacy and a partner in life , but l needed time soooo. That's funny , sounds like there'll be no shortage then anyway, when you do feel like it. l've got 6 sisters would you believe , only one has the sorta friends l'm into though but we're not talking so she was no help. Edited February 10, 2020 by chillii 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 It sounds like you are on the rebound from the divorce, still not ready to fall in love with a new woman yet. How long were you married and how long have you been divorced? - I may be able to give you an estimate. It's okay! Your mindset will change someday. Look at the bright side - at least you can't get into trouble! 1
schlumpy Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 I like the idea of friends and family running interference for you but I would not like being setup. They could make suggestions and supply addresses and phone numbers but you have to do the real work and actually set up the date. Your time and effort will make it a different priority then if it was your friends time and effort. 1
Author Blind-Sided Posted February 10, 2020 Author Posted February 10, 2020 6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: ............ There is no "should" in expressing dating interest. When I got home, I sent her a message saying it was fun, and I hope to be able to get together soon. Cut this out! Stop sending messages that don't reflect your real feelings. You cannot force yourself into wanting to go out with someone. ........... .................... You also may need to strengthen your boundaries. If you don't think you can control the pace of a relationship ... and slow it down or speed it up ... or say no ... or stop ... as you want ... If you think of relationships as diving off a cliff ... or nothing ... then yes, you're going to keep some distance ... because the divorce is still on your mind. ................................................ At first, I wasn't sure where you were going with that... but now I see. And, I guess that's part of this issue. I would like to see this girl again, so me contacting her afterwards was a clear, conscious effort on my part, and not just something that I thought I should do. With the second part above... I think this may be the key to this. You are 100% right that I need to take control about the speed on how ANY NEW relationship will progress. With this particular girl... I have met her 3 times now, and maybe I should just be honest, and tell her that I would like to hang out and see how it goes. Also, if I decide to go out, I just need to be less timid (like when I was young)... or simply just not go out if I'm not feeling it. Thanks for that. @Fletch Lives... we were together for 20 years... and by the time the divorce was official... we were only a month short of 18 years. One of the female friends I've been talking about actually took me out on what would have been my 18th anniversary, for an anti-anniversary dinner. (with her husbands permission) They knew me and the ex for +15 years, and didn't understand want was really going on... and they felt bad for me. FYI... look up my thread on "20 years gone" and "The final Chapter" if you would like all the details. Thanks guys. 1
Author Blind-Sided Posted February 10, 2020 Author Posted February 10, 2020 10 minutes ago, schlumpy said: I like the idea of friends and family running interference for you but I would not like being setup. They could make suggestions and supply addresses and phone numbers but you have to do the real work and actually set up the date. Your time and effort will make it a different priority then if it was your friends time and effort. Yep. I agree. I enjoyed the larger group outings where I could talk to whoever I wanted to. But when it was a little more "One on One"... I need to take a little control of that. 1
Author Blind-Sided Posted February 10, 2020 Author Posted February 10, 2020 7 hours ago, chillii said: ............................. That's funny , sounds like there'll be no shortage then anyway, when you do feel like it. ......... I guess it's a good problem to have. I know I read threads on this forum all the time where people can't even find someone to start with. Since my divorce, I have realized that I have a good group of friends who just want to see me happy. There has been shoulders to cry on... people who won't leave me alone during the hard times... people who will listen... and people who will help with anything else I need. (like watch my kids when I needed to see the layer, or go to the courthouse) 1
mark clemson Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 14 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: As far as asking her to butt out... well... I was the one who asked her to introduce me to some of the other people she knows. So far... she has introduced me to 4 different girls, in different settings. I think when it's day time, and there is more of a group... I haven't had a problem with it. And honestly... I feel great, and on some level, it's the closeness I need. I can talk on just about any subject, and I've always been good in keeping conversation going. BUT... It's in the evening, and the anticipation of "What's next" is what starts to get things stirring in me. I think you need to walk back your requests with your friends a bit and explain that you DO like the socializing but have started to realize you're not ready to really take things further than socializing yet. It's great that you have these friends who are doing this for you, so just explain that while you're definitely appreciative and definitely want to continue they need to keep expectations moderated while you "get adjusted to being single" (or however you want to put it). Also if you're not in a large metropolitan area I'm pretty sure you DON'T want to "burn your turf" by meeting all the best available women while you're still not ready and then not carry things forward with them. From what I understand it's often (though perhaps not always) hard to "loop back" and make a connection if the initial attempt didn't work out. 2
Author Blind-Sided Posted February 10, 2020 Author Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) @mark clemson Funny you should post about that.... So... while at lunch today, I talked with the friend who took me out on Saturday evening. She knew I was struggling with the one outing a few weeks back... and she actually got the impression I may have been that way again. So... here's how well she knows me. I started telling her that I do like this girl, and would like to see her again... but I'm just not sure where it may go. At that point (more or less) she stopped me and said they had lunch the following day, and talked about me. Her friend was asking questions about me, and wanted to know how often I traveled, and was wondering why I didn't try to make any moves. She told her friend (The girl in question) that I was out of a 20 year relationship, and I probably needed to take things slow. My friend then assured me that everything is good with this girl, and she would like to go out again, and I can go the speed needed. When I heard that, my jaw dropped, and I thanked her for helping out. FYI... They were college roommates, so they trust each other well. So... I guess that's kind of where it needs to be. This girl still wants to see me, but understands that I may not be ready to do anything other than go out for a while. (I really do have some good friends) Oh... on the point of "Burning the turf"... That's already a consideration. Basically... because I don't really believe in "Multi-Dating". Edited February 10, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 I think you are beyond needing to take things "slow." Just make sure you are giving yourself full permission to not get involved at all. Pushing yourself through the ambivalence and hesitation you're experiencing almost never works. People get involved and then shortly in, they realize they don't have the energy or desire for a serious relationship. I just don't like that your friend is telling the other woman that you still like her ... just that you need to go slow. I wonder if you really like her. And you don't want to start something that assumes you'll get to serious ... when right now you're not at all feeling serious. 1
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 Some people can’t “casually” date - myself included. Nothing wrong with that. But more importantly, I would say that you are just not ready. Again, nothing wrong with that. Tell your well meaning friends to cool their jets - maybe in the summer... 2
Author Blind-Sided Posted February 12, 2020 Author Posted February 12, 2020 On 2/9/2020 at 11:54 PM, Lotsgoingon said: ..................................... When you are ready to date, you will NOT have to talk yourself into dating. You will hug someone without thinking, without effort. .................. You know something... you are 100% right on this. (but see below) On 2/10/2020 at 5:43 PM, BaileyB said: Some people can’t “casually” date - myself included. Nothing wrong with that. .................. In college I could... to a certain point. I wasn't going out every weekend with a new girl... but I had no issues with the random party hook-up, and maybe even a dinner/lunch. But it was a different time. There was a lot of mingling, and people in that same mindset. But now... I don't think I can. At least... not on a typical "Date". (ie, I plan it out, pick up the girl, go out, say goodnight) I don't have the energy for that. I have a life, and kids who need me... and since my oldest is 80% with me... it makes it a little harder. Since she is 13, and developed... I don't want to give her the impression it's ok to date around. Anyway... it's been a few days since I started this post... and I've done a bunch of thinking. And I came to the conclusion... I like this girl. I actually didn't sleep well on Tuesday night because I was thinking through all the scenarios. But as I got my kids off to school today... I thought to myself... I'm happy while thinking about it. Also... now it's not in the pressure of a set-up, or even a blind date. I've talked with her, had a couple meals, and a few drinks with her. So now that it's on my terms... I think it may be OK. But... it is Valentine's day on Fri... and that may make it hard to set up a date. Either way... I'll post the outcome. Thanks for all the help. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Look forward to hearing your updates. 1
Author Blind-Sided Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 On 2/12/2020 at 2:30 PM, Lotsgoingon said: Look forward to hearing your updates. I'm going to be "kid Free" Friday and Saturday, so I decided to reach out to this girl. But it was funny... I was hesitant with reaching out. But this time it wasn't because I was unsure... it was because I was nervous. (excited) I guess it's because now I'm chasing, and not having an expectation of the unknown. (ie A set-up) Unfortunately, she has family coming in this weekend, but said it sounds like fun. I was a little disappointed, but I told her it's not a problem, and some other time. I wasn't sure if it was just a nice of saying no or not. But about 10 min later... our common friend contacted me and said... "Good for you on contacting her, and she really has family coming. So don't think that it was a blow-off." I'm still disappointed I'm not going to get to go out... but I'm happy in the fact that she was worried enough to talk to our friend about it.
Author Blind-Sided Posted February 15, 2020 Author Posted February 15, 2020 Hi All, Just wanted to post an update. As above, the girl who I originally contacted was going to be tied up with family. And, since this was Valentine's day... I figured it would be strange to contact anyone new for a date. But, after my ex picked up my kids, I was sitting in my empty house... I thought... "What the heck." At that point, the only other girl I had a good connection with was the 27 year old. So I sent her a message, and a little while later, she responded back and said she would like to go out. (I really figured she would have plans since she is young, and cute) We went over to a local brewery, and talked for 4 hours. The night was a lot of fun, and I had zero issues with feeling strange. She came back to my place for a little while, and when she left... I was just happy. I really think I managed to get past this. Oh... the only thing I feel strange about now is... this girl was basically just being born when I was at legal drinking age. LOL. Anyway... thanks for listening to me as I worked through this. 2
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