MrsB Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 Not sure if this is the right place for this or not...sorry for the long post... I’ve been with an awesome guy for nearly a year. We have known each other for more than 30 years, grew up in the same neighborhood. After high school we went our separate ways. We became FB friends a few years back and it was just kinda peripheral with liking posts and saying happy birthday. We met back up last spring at an event we both attended and it was instantaneous. He asked me out and we had our first date a week later. We have been together ever since. We are kind of LD. We live two hours apart, but still make time to see each other weekly for overnights. We talk on the phone nearly every day and text sporadically in between. Mostly good morning and good night. It’s a good level of communication for us, IMHO. And it’s been sustainable (not forced) for almost a year. Lately I’ve been seeing some things that make me think he is planning on making this more than a boyfriend-girlfriend situation. We went out with his friends the other night, folks I’d not met yet. They knew things about me that surprised me. Good things, but things nonetheless. He asked me to join a club he is very active in and paid my membership dues for the year. He offered to replace the brake pads on my car (I need them). He wants to meet the people who are important in my life and me, his. He also is working on building a relationship with my kids (teenagers) and doing things with them as a unit. We spent the holidays together and his family totally embraced us (and mine, him). He is talking about taking the kids different places and trips he wants to take with me and with the kids. Some of which involve his family and his friends. He asks about the kids every day and listens and offers his opinion (gently) on things going on in their lives. I’m going through the end stages of a divorce (been separated two years) and he is always there to listen when I have a complaint (he asks how things are going with it...I don’t always bring it up to him first). So all of these things make me think that he is looking to the future and possibly making things a little more permanent. The only guy I have ever dated who wanted to be involved in my life at this level was my ex. Actually I think current boyfriend is in it a little more than ex was. I know that the only way to know for sure is to ask, but I think this may be a conversation for after we hit the one-year mark. Like I said, these are just thoughts I’m having and I’d kinda like to see what others think. My friends all think that he is definitely thinking it but I’d like to hear what others think LOL. 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 Well, it's pretty simple. If they talk about the future, they love you. And people in love want to stay together. It all looks pretty good to me! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 This seems par for the course for a man who's been with you for about a year, and is thinking long-term. It all sounds good. So I am curious, are you wondering if he's thinking of getting married? Is that what you mean by "a little more permanent"? I am not clear what you want to ask him about, specifically.
Author MrsB Posted February 9, 2020 Author Posted February 9, 2020 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This seems par for the course for a man who's been with you for about a year, and is thinking long-term. It all sounds good. So I am curious, are you wondering if he's thinking of getting married? Is that what you mean by "a little more permanent"? I am not clear what you want to ask him about, specifically. Well, what I’m curious about is where he sees us going in the future. Whether living together, married, engaged and living together or just remaining as we are. All signs are pointing to something along the lines of being in a more serious partnership, just not sure what he would want. It’s a conversation that we need to have, eventually. But soon IMHO.
Mystery4u Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 2 minutes ago, MrsB said: Well, what I’m curious about is where he sees us going in the future. Whether living together, married, engaged and living together or just remaining as we are. All signs are pointing to something along the lines of being in a more serious partnership, just not sure what he would want. It’s a conversation that we need to have, eventually. But soon IMHO. So why not bring up the topic and talk to him about it?
Fletch Lives Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 What do you want? It sounds like a nice problem to have.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 You're not even divorced yet. I think he's wise and prudent not to bring up the topic of marriage while you're legally still married to someone else. 2
Author MrsB Posted February 9, 2020 Author Posted February 9, 2020 Just now, Mystery4u said: So why not bring up the topic and talk to him about it? I’m planning on it. In a little while. My divorce should be final (after a long battle) next month and I was going to wait a little after that to see what happens. Like I said, the conversation is in the cards, but I’m curious to see if others see what I’m seeing right now. He is more of an actions over words kind of person so I was focusing on this aspect of things as possible indicators of what’s going on.
Author MrsB Posted February 9, 2020 Author Posted February 9, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: You're not even divorced yet. I think he's wise and prudent not to bring up the topic of marriage while you're legally still married to someone else. I agree. And I’m glad he hasn’t yet. It’s just things that are going on are pointing in that direction. And I’m kind of just thinking about things that are happening. The conversation is coming, just need to wait a bit longer till things are final with the divorce. Edited February 9, 2020 by MrsB Adding info 2
Daisydooks Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 It sounds like he is planning to be a part of your future to me. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 The question is NOT what he wants. Who cares what he wants. It's not our business to worry about what other people want. The question is only what do YOU want? Do you want something more? Sounds like you want to go slow and you don't want to go any further. When we get caught up in what another person wants, we become like kids. Kids who go along because a cool kid likes them. We want to avoid that and focus on whether WE are having a good time, whether WE feel that the other is interested. Right now, you're sensing that there is something off. He's telling people more about you than you normally would expect. Pay attention--you're picking up something subtle. You're picking up that he may be more interested in you than you are in him. You're also picking up that he seems to want something deeper than the impression you get from simply hanging out with him alone. Again, that's something to notice. Not necessarily a red flag, but could be a red flag. Going further in a relationship simply because someone else wants to go further is formula for neglecting yourself. So you don't need to ask that question (how interested is he?) until you first answer the question for yourself. If you are highly interested, then you can care if he is highly interested. You want to answer your own question first.
Author MrsB Posted February 9, 2020 Author Posted February 9, 2020 I wasn’t aware that was the impression I was giving, @Lotsgoingon. Sorry if that’s what I did, LOL! I definitely want a future with him. And I’m ready for what comes next. He is an AMAZING guy and I feel so lucky to be with him. And I would love nothing more than to have a future with him. My question was more about what I’m picking up on. Subtle and not-so-subtle hints he is putting out that I think I’m picking up on but want to make sure I’m not misreading. That’s why I came here...to see if anyone else sees what I’m seeing from a third-party, uninvolved perspective. A conversation about the future is definitely coming up. I guess part of me is scared to approach the subject with him. I’m afraid of rejection and his saying “oh I just want THIS” which is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Definitely not what I want from us. I’m not looking for an engagement ring tomorrow, obviously. But knowing that it’s what he would like in the future would be nice. Something to work towards. 1
greymatter Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 To me, it seems like you are actually in a hurry to nail things down. You are not divorced yet. You know what it's like to go through the end of a marriage, separation, and the process of getting a divorce. It sounds like things are progressing nicely with your current partner. I wonder why you are in such a hurry to nail things down so quickly. If you have something real, which it sounds like you do, what is your need to have a conversation about where things are going? I'm not saying it's a bad thing to wonder where things are going. But I'm curious and interested in why you have the need to define it, when all of his actions point to a long term relationship. What is your need to define it about?
Lotsgoingon Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 Good clarification ... as you really left out what you wanted. So here's my only concern: why isn't what he wants evident? I'm unclear about that. For a relationship to really take off, the two people have got to be able to read each other ... in very subtle and complicated ways ... Here you're talking about the foundation "reading" of another. Your inability to read him is a concern. Why? ... Well ... because if you two cannot communicate basic clear interest in each other ... doesn't matter which side is doing what. If he can't get his feelings over to you ... if you can't feel his interest ... often there's a problem, a disconnect. Back to earlier question: are you sensing a gap-disconnect between the interest you feel when with him ... vs. the interest you sense via how much he has told his friends about you? There are distant people whose partners are often the last the know their feelings. Is this guy like that? On the other hand, you might be getting off track. Relationships build incrementally. What do you want to do more of ... than you aren't doing with him now? The next step is just to go a bit further ... see how things are. I sense you're already contemplating the rest of your life possibilities with this guy. One year ... no rush ... See if the relationship gets there. Finally, why aren't you making your desires crystal clear? The passive thing rarely works, for men or for women. You get what you ask for and what you insist on ... you need to start shaping the relationship to your desires. Make it clear what you want. You can do this with confidence (without desperation) by making it clear that it's what you want or really you aren't interested.
MsJayne Posted February 9, 2020 Posted February 9, 2020 This guys in love, absolutely. Happy ever after coming your way soon 2
scooby-philly Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 seriously people - please leave any personal experience, bias, or hatred for the other gender out of responses. There's no sign that this guy wants anything but the OP in his future. As others have pointed out - she's still legally married and he's playing it smart - showing signs of commmitment and taking things at the appropriate pace. If there's any issue it's with the OP's ability to read his actions, probably from having a bad marriage and dating experience (stretching for effect OP). He's not rushing you, he's not balking at talking about the future, and he's letting you get your stuff in order and the divorced settled before doing anything. If you love him and see a future with him, this guy (from what you described only and I'm not guaranteeing this) is a keeper! Congrats! 1
Author MrsB Posted February 10, 2020 Author Posted February 10, 2020 Thanks, @scooby-philly and you are REMARKABLY spot-on regarding the marriage and dating thing. And that being the reason for my inability to read the signs. Which is why I came here for opinions on what I’m seeing. Yes we have had talks and yes, I know that I’m still legally married. What you have said makes perfect sense. He is showing signs of commitment to me while waiting for the divorce to be final. Not hedging any bets on it, but that does make total sense. Can’t move ahead until this part is over. 2
Recommended Posts