Punctuality

[preraph]

It's disrespectful to everyone.  I'm just telling you it will cost you friends (and jobs).  You seem like a real nice person, but being on time is not that much to ask.

Edited February 9, 2020 by preraph

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

It's disrespectful to everyone.  I'm just telling you it will cost you friends (and jobs).  You seem like a real nice person, but being on time is not that much to ask.

Amen. It's not that hard to get your act together and be on time.

My mom was always 15 minutes early to anything. On this point she taught me well. She had and still has the reputation of being responsible and reliable with her act together. People know that her word is gold.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Oh, I can assure you there was no one more free-spirited than me when young.  I hitchhiked and did everything in the book and lived in a commune.  But I did it ON TIME and time is precious, and it is never okay for anyone to waste someone's precious time like that.   

Preach, sister! I'm a total hippie at heart, have backpacked continents, gone to full moon retreats in the middle of the desert, Rainbow Gatherings in national forests miles from civilization. But my word is my bond, I'm habitually on time, and on the rare occasion I'm running late, I communicate that clearly.

[preraph]

36 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Preach, sister! I'm a total hippie at heart, have backpacked continents, gone to full moon retreats in the middle of the desert, Rainbow Gatherings in national forests miles from civilization. But my word is my bond, I'm habitually on time, and on the rare occasion I'm running late, I communicate that clearly.

I knew I liked you!

[preraph]

I like you too, Ellener, and I'm sorry you struggle with anxiety. You'd never know it by the way you write!

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

I have an anxiety disorder...

Does this disorder prevent you from owning a watch or learning how to read it??

[preraph]

Just want to thank some_ username1 for starting this thread. It's going to be a good one, and it isn't really covering already plowed ground.

[preraph]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Does this disorder prevent you from owning a watch or learning how to read it??

if I had to guess I would bet that she just sometimes struggles to decide if she wants to go do something and get out of the house. I do this myself some, but it's usually only when I'm going to do something by myself..for me having someone to go with his enough motivation to keep me from dragging my heels. 

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

if I had to guess I would bet that she just sometimes struggles to decide if she wants to go do something and get out of the house. I do this myself some, but it's usually only when I'm going to do something by myself..for me having someone to go with his enough motivation to keep me from dragging my heels. 

If it's just you and you change your mind about going to an event, that's one thing, but if someone else is going to be waiting on you, it is just plain rude and inconsiderate not to be on time.

Don't make plans and commit to meeting someone if you think you are going to "struggle to decide" whether to leave the house or not.

[preraph]

I just think that might be what she meant by her anxiety. Anxiety can make you indecisive just as the depression can. I, many days, have to really talk myself into showering and put it on makeup and dressing because it seems like too much trouble. I found the best way to deal with that is just try to make it a routine so you don't even have to think about it but I have not been totally successful with that. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

One thing for certain, I ALWAYS communicate before I am to meet that I will be late. Looking back, my saving grace has been that most of people I have dated also run a little late or arrive at the same time.  Communication is important. Keeping someone waiting for 20-30 minutes+ w/o a peep, not good. Time to go home and text as much.

Edited February 9, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Does this disorder prevent you from owning a watch or learning how to read it??

Amusing as this may seem to you or others, it has at times prevented me from leaving the house, at the worst I just cannot go outside. I live in a severe weather zone, we get hurricanes and floods regularly, usually it's in reaction to that. I have a very good doctor and a very good counsellor. And plenty of friends and neighbours who understand and encourage.

Harvey was the worst, I can't tell anyone who hasn't been through it just how bad it is when your whole sense of safety ( and home ) gets lost. It's PTSD for a long time.

Thousands of people were similarly affected here, and of course are affected by extreme weather events now around the world. 

 

 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I like you too, Ellener, and I'm sorry you struggle with anxiety. You'd never know it by the way you write!

Thank you! I write and perform for a living, so I'm just a good actress. But the anxiety disorder was in response to 'the straw which breaks the camel's back' type stress. 

[preraph]

Harvey was harrowing.  And yes, I can certainly see how you'd have PTSD from it.  I think you should move out of there if you can.  Inland!

[Ellener]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

Harvey was harrowing.  And yes, I can certainly see how you'd have PTSD from it.  I think you should move out of there if you can.  Inland!

But then I wouldn't have my career and 'family of choice' friends...and I'd probably be dealing with other weather events too. When I lived in Arkansas we had tornadoes. One year I was in SF when there was an earthquake. Even in the UK my sister wrote earlier, she lives on the coast and said she's never known such storms. 

It's climate change.

[preraph]

At least with tornados, you can build a cellar!  I wish I had one.  

[Kitty Tantrum]

I have a similar sort of anxiety/PTSD which seems to have developed in response to a chronic illness. For the better part of a couple years, even going out and walking half a mile at a moderate pace would have consequences (pain in various places in my body). Then the antibiotics I had to take caused severe photosensitivity (10 minutes outside on a sunny day left a big angry red streak across the bridge of my nose that lasted weeks, 40 minutes or so in the front seat of the car on a sunny day, even totally covered up, had me shaking and vomiting). I haven't had to deal with either of those things in months, but I still sometimes panic at the thought of leaving the house, because it was such huge deal for such a long time.

I have flaked out of things at the last minute because of it. I've been late to things because of it. I've found myself paralyzed at the prospect of a quick walk, the equivalent of a few blocks, to the grocery store for bread. I dunno, it's a really weird place, where my brain goes when that anxiety is triggered. Like being frozen or trapped in something almost.

But I still always let people know! I don't just leave them hanging or wondering if/when I'm going to show up.

For the most part I have simply learned not to make plans. I guess I'm lucky this all happened to me at a point in my life when I don't need to worry about dating anymore.

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

have flaked out of things at the last minute because of it. I've been late to things because of it. I've found myself paralyzed at the prospect of a quick walk, the equivalent of a few blocks, to the grocery store for bread. I dunno, it's a really weird place, where my brain goes when that anxiety is triggered. Like being frozen or trapped in something almost.

But I still always let people know! I don't just leave them hanging or wondering if/when I'm going to show up.

For the most part I have simply learned not to make plans. I guess I'm lucky this all happened to me at a point in my life when I don't need to worry about dating anymore.

Sorry to hear that Kitty Tantrum. The doctor I saw was very good, he said panic attack is physical not mental and prescribed beta blockers to slow the heart rate and decrease the escalating panic, now I have a whole holistic regime of exercise, yoga, healthy diet etc which I try to adhere to, and when I don't the anxiety comes back.

I too stopped making plans for a while except with a good friend who understood and said it ( and meant it )- okay to cancel last minute.

I'm doing a lot better now but I took six months off work at my worst.

[Happy Lemming]

5 hours ago, Ellener said:

...it has at times prevented me from leaving the house, at the worst I just cannot go outside. I live in a severe weather zone, we get hurricanes and floods regularly, usually it's in reaction to that.

Then don't make a date/plans (with others) if you can't leave the house.  The OP's date didn't have any issue leaving her home, she just couldn't be bothered with being on time.

As far as hurricanes and floods, give me a break, no one plans a date with an approaching natural disaster, you stock up on supplies and hunker down until it passes.

[SumGuy]

20 hours ago, some_username1 said:

So, I know I did the right thing for me. End of. No debate to be had there. I just thought I’d throw it out there to see what the general mood on punctuality is. Is it a deal breaker to you?

Sounds like you did the right thing for you.  It's really a compatibility thing.  Some folks just can't seem to be on time to save their lives.

I do have a limit myself but would probably have waited, but would't have waited to get a drink or even a bite to eat if hungry.   One of the reasons I always choose a place I would like to hang out myself with no date required.

I myself always aim to arrive early, and always have to a first date.  Most of my dates have too, even though we are all of an age with children, careers, and the traffic can be a crap shoot around here.

So half an hour not a deal breaker for me...but it is a mild negative.

[robaday]

Happened to me a week ago, been dating for awhile, she told me she to meet her somewhere at a specific time, I got there and 20 minutes later she suggested we meet somewhere else by message, no pre-warning. So I said "nah I waited 20 minutes for you and am gonna go out with some friends instead". We spoke some more and I just said if she gave me a bit of warning through message it wouldn't be an issue, but wasting my time is an issue. She was pretty upset to be honest but I've let it slide a lot already and need to start setting boundaries. 

 

 

 

[some_username1]

Thanks for the replies, whilst I have no regrets whatsoever it is always useful to know that others have a similar thought process/low tolerance for lateness.

She was actually very apologetic and was blowing my phone up with missed-calls. I explained to her how I have ditched previous dates for poor time keeping so she knows in no uncertain terms that I will not put with it. Now she knows all that in my opinion it’s up to her how she uses that information. I’ll probably give her a second chance and I expect her to be on her best behaviour because if she is late again she won’t even be told that I’m going home. 

In the mean time I’m chatting to a girl who, instead of consistent communication thinks she can message me for a bit and then disappear for days at a time and then pick up like nothings happened- so I feel a new thread coming on. *sigh* no-one is ever perfect are they?

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

She was actually very apologetic...

Same thing here...  The woman I was dating (that was late to meet me) actually complained to her therapist that I had left (the bar) after waiting 30 minutes for her.  Apparently, the therapist told her she was in the wrong and should apologize to me.

That evening, she called me up told me her therapist helped her process the situation, that she owed me an apology and invited me over for a home-cooked meal.  I ended up staying the night!

[Ruby Slippers]

24 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

That evening, she called me up told me her therapist helped her process the situation, that she owed me an apology and invited me over for a home-cooked meal.  I ended up staying the night!

Self-respect is highly attractive! Being a doormat/pushover is not.

[introverted1]

I don't think being late is necessarily a deal-breaker.  It's the combination of late and inconsiderate (not texting him to let him know and then making a snarky comment after he texted her).