Punctuality

[some_username1]

I was supposed to go on a date a few nights ago, we had been chatting since before Christmas so a pretty long time to build up rapport. I usually like to meet ASAP but there was Christmas holidays and then we arranged a couple of dates in mid January over successive weeks but she cancelled both times because she was struggling to get over a virus (pretty sure that’s legit).

 

In mid week it seemed like everything was lining up for us to meet. We were both taking public transport to the date venue. During my train journey I asked if she was on the train herself yet, expecting a “yes”. She said she was still trying to get to the train station. A check of the timetable showed that she was already quite late. The first train she could get from now would make her 30 minutes late. I told her that I was nearly there to which she replied “ah well that’s unlucky lol ;)”. I was really not impressed at the thought of waiting 30 minutes, made worse by the way she had tried to make it into a joke. She tried to explain that she just missed her train  but another check of the train timetable showed that in order for her to be on time she needed to be at the station a good 30 minutes before the time she messaged me. And even then I had to chase her up to check she was on the train or she wouldn’t have said anything. I turned around and went home and she hit the roof- putting it on me for being too harsh about it and acting like a total wanker etc. She’s had a tough day, things went wrong, blah blah blah blah.

 

The thing I don’t get is, why couldn’t she have messaged me to say she missed the train 30 minutes earlier? She can’t seem to come up with a good reason for that leading me to the only logical conclusion that she was never aiming for that train in the first place, she was just laissez faire about the whole thing and, whatever time she rocked up, I’d wait. Sadly for her I love challenging assumptions like that.

 

So, I know I did the right thing for me. End of. No debate to be had there. I just thought I’d throw it out there to see what the general mood on punctuality is. Is it a deal breaker to you?

[Happy Lemming]

16 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

 I turned around and went home

I would have done the same thing...

I remember I was dating this one woman and we were still fairly early in the "getting to know you" phase of the relationship.  We were supposed to meet at 8:00pm at this bar, at 8:30 I left.  I did text her and tell her I was leaving and that I had waited long enough, she texted back she would be there in 15 minutes.  I texted back "I don't care, I've already left"

If she thought being 45 minutes late was acceptable, then I wasn't the person she should be dating.  For the record, if I'm meeting someone, I try to get to the destination about 10 minutes early.

Its obvious this woman thinks her time is more important than yours and didn't care enough to be on time. Her attitude tells you a lot about the type of person she really is and that making you wait an extended period of time was OK in her book, which it is not.

NEXT!!

 

[Fletch Lives]

I think you should always try to be on time for an appointment/date. It's responsible behavior. 20 minutes is a reasonable time to wait for somebody who's late.

 

 

[Daisydooks]

Things come up..... however, I would have done the same in this situation given the evidence here. 

She has been speaking to you a while, has canceled twice already (she was sick for a month, because that ever happens to anyone ) and then jokes about her tardiness when she finally does (almost) get to meet you nearly 2 months later. 

You'd think she'd be more excited and punctual. I am ok with waiting if someone gives reason and I believe them. In this case, she is showing she does not care, has zero respect for you and she is just not that into you. She couldnt care less if she were trying 

[Kitty Tantrum]

Well, there's punctuality, there's consideration, and there's communication.

Sometimes punctuality is out of a person's hands, so I try to be understanding. PERSONALLY, I hate being late for ANYTHING and will usually give myself a pretty good buffer.

But when punctuality is off the table for whatever reason, there's still consideration and communication. She failed at both of those, and that's a bad sign.

[ccas93]

I have a friend who I recently cut out of my life for this exact same kind of thing. Just being yeah, "laissez faire" with other people's time and effort. Not punctual at all. If you have these sort of habits, then expect to lose some people, I say. 

Edited February 9, 2020 by ccas93

[K.K.]

3 hours ago, some_username1 said:

 I told her that I was nearly there to which she replied “ah well that’s unlucky lol ;)”. 

So rude. I bet Mariah Carey says crap like this all the time.  Diva like. Inflated sense of self importance. Yuck. 

3 hours ago, some_username1 said:

So, I know I did the right thing for me. 

Definitely! 

Punctuality is really important (to me anyway.) We all only have a certain amount of time. Anybody that wastes it and gives me the ‘i should feel lucky they’re even showing up’ stuff, belongs in the sad pile of rejection. 

Sometimes things happen that can’t be avoided, but in that case, if she would’ve acted differently and shown a little more consideration and concern, it could’ve went a whole different way. 

[NomiMalone]

In general, a lack of punctuality really means a lack of respect for you and your time. It means your date wasn’t that important to her. Good thing you called it off and left, because if you’d have let her get away with it the first time, she’ll no doubt be late again and again on dates with you, because she’s gotten away with it before. I bet she’s not 30 mins + late to her job everyday. 

[d0nnivain]

If she had communicated better I suspect you would have been more understanding about her tardiness.   Your issue wasn't so much about her being late but the fact that she didn't seem to care about you.  For her to blame you was wrong.  It's probably best that you didn't waste more time on her. 

[elaine567]

Seems to me, punctuality is something that is inbuilt and I think there are two main camps, those who take punctuality very seriously and those who don't care a damn about it.
The latter group may conform when at work, or when it really matters, but they can often spend their social life in an almost time free zone.
They show up when they feel like it, they are not held to deadlines, they are relaxed about time. They do not clock watch.
This girl was 30 minutes late but to her I guess what was important  was that she was on her way, not that she was going to be on time.
As time really matters to the OP and probably not to this girl, then he is within his rights to decide that they are incompatible.

BUT life is short, did it really matter that much?
 

[introverted1]

Being late is one thing.  Being inconsiderate is something else altogether.  She had no intention of letting you know she was running late; you only found out because you messaged her. And he flippant response further hammered home her attitude.

Plus, who is sick for a month?

[d0nnivain]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Plus, who is sick for a month?

This year's flu was a killer.  I got sick just after Christmas but didn't get over it until mid January.  

I'm inclined to believe she was sick.  Plus nobody wants to meet for a 1st date when they are under the weather.  

But her overall level of consideration -- or lack thereof -- was what makes her a poor candidate for a relationship

[Blind-Sided]

I have one female friend who is NEVER on time.  It has actually turned into a joke because the last time we met... she even told me... "Next time we are getting coffee... whatever time I tell you... make it 30 min later."  If this was someone I was dating... I would never tolerate it. BUT... she has helped me keep my head straight in my bad times, and I've known her for 23/24 years now.

With that said... I would never accept this kind of behavior from someone who I may be interested in.  It will eventually become a point of fighting, and a reason to break it off.   As others have said, I try to be a little early.  AND... if I'm going to be late because of traffic, or other circumstances... I will let the other person know as soon as I realize I'm going to be late.

Oh... as far as being sick for a month... I've had that happen to me before... and currently, my 8yo has had a lingering congestion since thanksgiving !!!! (Her poor nose is beat up from blowing)   SO... I wouldn't be angry with that part of it.

Edited February 9, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Miss Spider]

Lack of punctuality is being like...10 minutes late... followed by a sorry... which I admit happens to me far more often than I like to admit. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, considering I’m usually this person 

 

But the person in your story sounds like they weren’t trying to meet at all. First, the 2 canceled “sick” dates and then not even trying to get on the train. Oh well. 

[Ruby Slippers]

She's a flake. You did the right thing by leaving. It's good you're not wasting any more time on her.

[Wanderlust2018]

I’d have done the same thing myself and left. If a person proactively reaches out and says they’re going to be 15 minutes late, that’s one thing, but this situation wasn't acceptable. I imagine that kind of behavior, disrespect for your time and cavalier attitude would never end with her. 

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, some_username1 said:

I was really not impressed at the thought of waiting 30 minutes, made worse by the way she had tried to make it into a joke.

people get late. Goodness, if you lived in Houston ( or LA or New York etc ) the city regularly gridlocks ( and there's no public transit most of Houston believe it or not! ) and you just get used to letting people know, taking a deep breath and behaving with grace so as not to spoil things when you finally get there.

If I'm singing or playing for a funeral or something very important to the family I hang around outside or nearby for a couple of hours sometimes, just to circumvent the traffic issues.

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me, punctuality is something that is inbuilt and I think there are two main camps, those who take punctuality very seriously and those who don't care a damn about it.

And as you also say, there are times it's super important and times it's not.

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Plus, who is sick for a month?

I think a lot of people. A pharmacist friend confided in me that the flu shot- which they are supposed to upsell to everyone coming in- doesn't work well against the strains this year! When I got it I was sick for a few days just from the shot! So it's a marketing/profit-making exercise not really healthcare and disease prevention.

We now have the latest coronavirus from China here in Texas, and though I have no doubt those patients will be monitored and taken care of well, being scientific guinea-pigs for a new strain, if it were to become main-stream illness then Texas would be in trouble, we do not have proper healthcare or funding and organisation for it here.

I could not even get all my basic blood pressure meds the other day; the pharmacist said she 'ran out'. I was incredulous, she promised to contact me next day, but guess what, they are still out days later. 

For my patients who need Halperidol for their dementia illnesses, that's been in short supply for six months now, people are deteriorating and having episodes and falls after being stable for years. No explanation from the FDA. 

***

Last night I got stuck in traffic then got lost and my date was so kind and lovely about it, it totally enhanced my view of him as a person because I would not get angry or see it as disrespectful or whatever the first time someone screwed up either. All he was concerned about was my safety and that he got to meet eventually that evening, it was really nice.

And we're meeting again tonight.

Mellow your harsh is my advice !!!!

 

[Els]

The first thing that strikes me is that apparently this date venue takes her at least an hour to get to, and it was on a weekday. Is there a reason you both chose (1) a weekday evening instead of a weekend, and (2) a venue that is so difficult to access from where you both are? An hour to get somewhere for a date on a weekday night sounds very strenuous, and if she was coming from work I think a delay would be reasonably expected. You can't always expect to drop everything and leave work the second the clock strikes X pm for a date, if you're in any sort of decent-paying position.

I suppose, in your defense, she should have foreseen this and asked to meet on a weekend instead when she might have more control over her schedule, but then she might be afraid that you'd think she was postponing too much.

Edited February 9, 2020 by Elswyth

[smackie9]

Like I always say first impressions count! She already showed a lack of respect. Good on you for kicking her to the curb.

[Gr8fuln2020]

You are/were not a priority. If she had a job interview, you better believe she would have been at the station long before its arrival and at the locale of the interview earlier to compensate for any transportation anomalies.

It's funny. I am typically early to appointments. interviews, etc., but I also find myself on time or a little late for dates myself. I wonder if it is wholly subconscious.

 

[Mystery4u]

You way overreacted. Maybe she took longer getting ready than expected because she wanted to look perfect for the date. Sometimes these things happen. It was your first date, you should have given her the benefit of the doubt the first time. She was on her way and you just left, that's pretty rude.

You are correct in it being the right thing for you, and for her actually, as you seem like a very rigid person with no flexibility and a half empty type of mindset instead of half full. She needs a more laid back person who doesn't get into a huff and a puff over these things. If it was a common occurrence then sure but you didn't even give it a chance to see what happens. Sounds like you did her a favour. You probably think you are perfect.

On the first date with my current girlfriend she came about 30 mins late as she mis read what tube station to meet at and went to the wrong one. I didn't cry about it like you instead I made sure we had a great time regardless.

Edited February 9, 2020 by Mystery4u

[preraph]

I can't tolerate people who aren't punctual and neither will most of my friends.  Now, I had a friend/roommate once decades ago that was so impulsive that you couldn't depend on her, but I just figured that out and stopped even considering waiting for her at all and just did things separate and let her know where I'd be.  

 

There's people who think punctuality doesn't matter, but it is about respect.  And it's also about them not having any self-discipline and organizational skills.  But there's also people who will do this to everyone except the man or woman they are currently having a crush on and magically, they can be on time for them.  That's the worst.  

 

An ex-friend of mine wasn't too bad when young but by the time she was in college, she wasn't dependable and also started trying to use me.  She'd ask you to take you with her to a gig and then not show up to go together and show up there with a third person in tow, so I kept her at arm's length ever since then. 

Then she moved to another town and went through a genuine trauma and was in therapy and all, so me and my close friend (who grew up with her) tried to support her again, but guess what?  Over lunch, according to the late friend, she told us her therapist validated her being late and told her it wasn't her fault.  Really?  Well, she used to be able to come on time when younger and she is johnny on the spot to see some guy.  So no effort past that point.  She also wouldn't communicate, so we couldn't support her, but she'd holler once in awhile because she was coming to town, usually with someone, and needed a place to say.  I avoided all that.  My friend tried it a couple of times and then she never showed up.  So she told her no more.  Then she started dating the ex-husband of this same good friend of mine, and that was it for me.  I didn't even answer if she called anymore. She even tried to get my friend to let the both of them crash at her home (my friend is married with kids now).  Ugh.  

 

Moral of the story is NO, people will not put up with this disrespect and disorganization, and if you're that way, you better do some behavior modification and learn some self-discipline and FIX yourself.  

Edited February 9, 2020 by preraph

[Ellener]

8 minutes ago, preraph said:

I can't tolerate people who aren't punctual and neither will most of my friends. 

Maybe. Its not that big a deal to the more free-spirited in life though.

Go with the flow...

 

Edited February 9, 2020 by Ellener
spelling

[preraph]

Oh, I can assure you there was no one more free-spirited than me when young.  I hitchhiked and did everything in the book and lived in a commune.  But I did it ON TIME and time is precious, and it is never okay for anyone to waste someone's precious time like that.   

Edited February 9, 2020 by preraph

[Ellener]

I have an anxiety disorder so I'm never going to be 'perfect' but I don't really feel I have to be if I'm loving and fun to be around in general.