Should I let him go?

[Harcel]

I have been dating this guy for exactly 2 months I’m 33 he is 37. A month into it I found out he was married and had 2 kids.

 

I should have backed out then but he convinced me that he and his wife were separated for 2 years and she was with someone else. I had multiple sources to confirm this. I knew that he was still based at their home address but was mainly staying in hotels although as it was summer he was staying at the house now and then if the wife was away with the kids and he took the kids abroad for a week without her. He said he was looking for an apartment to move into.

 

Now summer is over and the kids are back at school a few nights this week I knew he had stayed at their house and the kids were there...he said she wasn’t there and was probably at her mothers or with her other man.

 

After our last date on Wednesday I decided I couldn’t continue while he was still living at the house and told him that we should reconcile when he finds somewhere else to live. He said he respected my decision but he isn’t with her and never will be.

 

I know I’ve done the right thing because I was foolish to continue with him in the first place knowing that he was still living with his wife whether or not he stayed there all the time or what she was up to. But to be honest it hurts. I miss him, we spoke every single day for 2 months night and day and now we haven’t spoken since Thursday.

 

I guess I said what I did in hopes that it would give him the kick he needed to move out but I don’t even know if it will :-(

[schlumpy]

You cite multiple sources you used to confirm his story. Was one of those sources a phone call to his wife?

[Harcel]

You cite multiple sources you used to confirm his story. Was one of those sources a phone call to his wife?

 

No but I know someone who knows her and it’s clear from the comments she makes on her guys Instagram posts. Also seen messages from her on his phone. They are not together.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I definitely think you made the right decision. Hopefully it was the motivation he needed to finally move out for good.

[schlumpy]

No but I know someone who knows her and it’s clear from the comments she makes on her guys Instagram posts. Also seen messages from her on his phone. They are not together.

 

Ok. So his motivation for staying at their home is convenience, save money, etc...…

 

Just as long as it not him wanting to hang on to the marriage.

 

I don't know what level feelings you have this guy and that makes a difference. I would advise you not to be involved with someone that has constant contact with their EX. It just adds too much drama to a relationship that's trying to get off the ground.

 

So, how about you tell him that you will give him six months to find his own place (I know he said he's looking) and file for divorce. If you want to give him longer that's up to you but I don't think you can hang around much longer then a year without regretting the time you lost. I assume you are looking for a stable relationship that will end in marriage?

 

I'm sure he has excuses as to why things are the way they are and the details probably include finances and the kids welfare. That doesn't help you because he and his wife could have some "come to Jesus moment" and get back together again. Where does that leave you?

 

You need some guarantees that you can count on. You deserve that much protection but you will have to demand it.

 

Be in love but protect yourself.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He also may just be stalling until things become more serious with you, OP, hoping he can just move in with you. Do you want this?

[Harcel]

So, how about you tell him that you will give him six months to find his own place (I know he said he's looking) and file for divorce.

 

You mean continue to see him for 6 months?

Edited September 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[schlumpy]

However you would like to arrange it. If you wish to withdraw totally, that's fine. That was why I wondered about the depth of your feelings for this guy. The more you feel, the less likely you can make the harder but more effective decisions.

 

My comments are not meant to be taken literally because I do not have a complete understanding of your situation and thus they are generalized and require you to adjust them.

 

It's hard to be in love, isn't it?

Edited September 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[FMW]

Whether he's being absolutely truthful with you or not, it's a messy situation that you really don't want to be part of.

 

You did the right thing.

[smackie9]

Sounds to me the marriage was over a long time ago, and the both of them obviously do want to move on. Divorce can be very difficult to settle having to split a household in two. Finding a place to live, figuring out fiances, scheduling the kids, sorting out assets and trying to have a new relationship on top of that, is hard. So not every situation is going to be ideal.

 

He didn't tell you because of this very reason...you are wary of the ex and question their situation. I doubt he was trying to pull the wool over your eyes. His ex wife's BF has np with it....but I get it, that's his choice.

You made the right decision for YOU because it made you uncomfortable and that's all that counts here.

[Harcel]

He also may just be stalling until things become more serious with you, OP, hoping he can just move in with you. Do you want this?

 

No he wouldn’t do that. He can certainly afford his own place and where I live would be too far from his work and also his kids. I honestly don’t really know he hadn’t moved out already. He does have an apartment and I think he was staying there a lot in the start but it’s rented out a lot on short stay. I guess the kids play a big part of it and him wanting to be close to them and not have them know there was any sign of trouble between he and their mother.

[Harcel]

You made the right decision for YOU because it made you uncomfortable and that's all that counts here.

 

I feel I did but I miss him terribly

Edited September 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smackie9]

I’m sure he’s not surprised at all by your decision. Maybe, just maybe, he misses you terribly and he will have a serious think about his situation. Not to get your hopes up high but you just never know ....you may hear from him again with good news.

Edited September 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Harcel]

He’s not. We’ve spoke today, I caved in and text him. He’s saying he knows it’s not ideal that’s why he didn’t tell me about his situation in the beginning. I don’t wanna be a nag, he knows how I feel now so it’s upto him to move forward.

Edited September 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ruby Slippers]

Married = legally bound to another woman. I've never had any interest in married/separated men. It's always seemed like a complete waste of time and energy. I wouldn't consider dating any man who had been divorced less than a year.

 

Given that this one was lying to you from the beginning, I'd move on completely.

[smackie9]

He’s not. We’ve spoke today, I caved in and text him. He’s saying he knows it’s not ideal that’s why he didn’t tell me about his situation in the beginning. I don’t wanna be a nag, he knows how I feel now so it’s upto him to move forward.

And that is what you should do....he needs to get his $%^& together if he wants a relationship. So he tried A) not telling you and that blew up in his face...hopefully he goes with plan B) Moving out permanently.

[Calmandfocused]

Op you 100% did the right thing. If you are ever in doubt, look at the facts:

 

1) He’s been separated 2 years yet still living with his wife. Even if I believed that (I don’t), the fact remains that neither has taken any action to separate/ divorce in that time. Strange don’t you think? I don’t buy the children excuse. Prolonging the inevitable doesn’t make it easier for the children, in fact it can make it harder. What are they going to do? Live together until the children leave home to “protect them”? If that’s the plan you’ve got a long waiting game ahead with this guy.

 

2) He lives with his ex wife by choice. Not because of finances, it’s because of convenience... and because he wants too! I’d therefore be questioning the bond that he still has to his wife and why.

 

3) He told you a whopping lie! Big red flag! How can you trust a guy who lies about something so important? You can’t. I don’t believe for a second that his wife stays elsewhere when he’s in the house. Utter nonsense. If he lies about this, he’ll lie about other things. How do you know that they’re not still having sex for old times sake? Again, you can’t.

 

Finally, I’d be questioning whether he is separated as he said or whether he’s still very much married with no intention of separation/ divorce.

 

Way too much drama and complications

[Harcel]

Op you 100% did the right thing. If you are ever in doubt, look at the facts:

1) He’s been separated 2 years yet still living with his wife.

 

100% they are separated. Among other things I have seen text exchanges between them where she has stated that they are separated.

 

But I agree he lied and that does make me lack trust in him. In some ways I can see why, I think he wasn’t taking our situation too seriously in the start, he said he was going to tell me the next we were together when I found out....If he was going to or not I will never know.

 

I didn’t say he was still living there because of finances. He can afford to move out, but he hasn’t. He stays mostly in hotels BUT he has all his stuff at the house so it’s irrelevant really because he’s still based there.

Edited September 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mortensorchid]

You did the right thing. Not sure if this guy was telling the 100% truth about this situation. But if something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't. You may never know what that is or is not but if you continue to ignore it, it will always linger there.

 

I have no advice to give you on this other than saying you did the right thing. The only other experience I have with this is when I was with someone who was separated. He and his wife broke up about the time he and I became friendly, his marriage ending had nothing to do with me it had happened in itself. He moved out of the house and into his own place where he had been living for about two years when things changed between me and him, we were just friends before. The love affair lasted for about 4 months and it ended. How? He went home, went to bed, had a heart attack and died at age 44. I was asking myself towards the end "How long will this go on?" "Am I doing the right things?" etc. But I didn't have to end things - the guy died on me. You probably won't have this option.

[Harcel]

So we’ve been together 7  months both in our 30’s. He’s going through a divorce that has just come to a critical point and he has a court case on Tuesday. Of course he’s feeling stressed about it, totally understandable.

 

During the week he told me that we had to cancel a trip we had planned later this month because he had a another court date (for something relating to his business) I got upset because of the way he told me, there was no ‘I’m sorry we can’t go’ and this is actually a theme that I have come to realise whenever we argue or does something that hurt me he’s never apologetic and doesn’t seem to have much regard for my feelings at times. I make a lot of excuses for it like him having a lot on his plate because of the divorce or with work.

 

Yesterday he messaged me saying he’s not too sure where we go from here because the next few months are gonna be the hardest of his life with ups and downs etc and he’s he’s not sure he wants to put me through such a s***t show of events. And asking if it’s what I really want and willing to go through.

 

I replied saying that I’m sure he’s feeling very low and stressed right now but the divorce doesn’t affect me as much as the way he makes me feel when he doesn’t appear to have much regard for my feelings and I’m willing to be there and support him but not if things continue in such a way. Also that I understood if he wanted to do this on his own without me around.

 

No reply until this evening. He says that he’s going through hell (of course) and unable to think about anything  else at the moment other than his kids and what’s gonna happen next. How it’s not fair on me and at times he’s sorry that he ever met me but he’s sure there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I don’t even know what to say to him. I really don’t want us to part ways he’s played such a big part of my life during the time we have been together and done so much for me. I feel like he’s trying to encourage me to be the one to walk away from it all, which is maybe the right thing to do but I will literally be heart broken.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've always heard that you should never date someone who hasn't been legally, officially divorced for at least a year, and I've followed that advice strictly. Your story illustrates the wisdom in this advice perfectly. Of course a person isn't likely to be hopeful and positive about love while in the process of legally dissolving a marriage that was, we presume, initiated in love. 

If I were in your position, I'd move on. Maybe he'll come back down the line once his mind and heart are clear again - but I certainly wouldn't wait for him. I'd end it and get on with my life. 

[preraph]

It certainly can just complicate his life while he's going through a divorce. I mean I'm sure he's glad he's got a girlfriend and not doing without sex and has someone to talk to, but he's as good as warned you that it's going to be kind of a one way street.

 

I've dated separated guys when I was young. the other thing you have to realize is that once he is out from under his divorce and his head is cleared, he is not going to just set up house with you. He is going to take advantage of his freedom to see what all is out there and date around. 

 

He's not going to just jump back into a big relationship. And while he's still going through this, like a lot of couples they may take another run at each other. Dividing up belongings can be very sentimental and people start wondering if they're doing the right thing. 

 

So yeah it is exactly the kind of show he said it was, and if you agree to continue on after him warning you you're going to get even less consideration than you're getting now. So yeah it's probably a good idea just to let him go and not get any more invested. If he gets his divorce settled and plays the field a little and then maybe he'll circle back around to you. but anyting you agree to now that isn't optimum treatment is the precedent going forward for what you'll put up with. 

 

Don't let him just come around when he's lonely and lean on you and have sex. Whatever you do stick with a plan that you can live with. 

Edited February 9, 2020 by preraph

[Robert]

2 threads were merged together for proper context on the most recent posts, thanks

 

[Harcel]

1 hour ago, Robert said:

2 threads were merged together for proper context on the most recent posts, thanks

 

With regards to the merged posts obviously we did end up continuing seeing each other and he didn’t move out but he is now since Christmas actively searching for a place.

[Fletch Lives]

On 9/8/2019 at 8:39 AM, Harcel said:

 

 

After our last date on Wednesday I decided I couldn’t continue while he was still living at the house and told him that we should reconcile when he finds somewhere else to live. He said he respected my decision but he isn’t with her and never will be.

 

I know I’ve done the right thing because I was foolish to continue with him in the first place knowing that he was still living with his wife whether or not he stayed there all the time or what she was up to. But to be honest it hurts. I miss him, we spoke every single day for 2 months night and day and now we haven’t spoken since Thursday.

 

 

 - you've done the right thing. Don't ever date a person who lives with their ex - even if it's just part-time.

Also, he could be on the rebound, and you the rebound woman, because he's not even done with the divorce yet. Beware, many rebound relationships are temporary. There are several red flags here, a couple of them are big ones.