Rejected by a woman I thought liked me back. Wondering whether I misread the signs or she changed her mind.

[kingof123]

Long story cut short, I met a woman over the summer vacation last year, brief interaction of 2-3 hours, we became friends, connected after we got back to our home countries, have been speaking on and off via texts and calls. Met again when I travelled to her country for a business trip, went out a couple of times, which I thought was as date-y as you could get - flowers and greeting cards, picked up the bills, romantic vibes. Even as we're far apart, I've done a few things which I felt made it clear that I liked her, such as sending flowers and birthday present to her, scheduling video calls and checking in on her. We've been texting almost daily for months. She's always been receptive of these advances and never "friendzoned" me. However, as we're far away, the total number of hours we've actually seen each other in real life is unfortunately less than 20 hours. And that wasn't going to change as we couldn't move nearer to each other in the foreseeable future.

Anyway, I've recently told her how I felt and she turned me down, saying she sees the relationship as purely friendship. I've been wondering if she really didn't pick up the signs at all, or whether there's a chance she was somewhat interested in me, but just lost it somewhere along the way. It doesn't matter as the odds, with the distance, are low anyway, but I'm curious if I misread anything. Thoughts?

[FMW]

If you gave her flowers, cards, gifts, and picked up bills then of course it was reasonable for you to believe it was NOT purely friendship.  And unless she's 12, she knew how things looked too.  Texting daily isn't something platonic friends over the age of 12 and of the opposite sex generally do either.  

Maybe she never felt more than friendship, but then she should have cleared that up early on.  It sounds like either she changed her mind and for some reason doesn't want to deal with explaining why, or she was just using you for the perks and ego boost of having someone interested in her.  Either way, not cool.    

[kingof123]

Thanks for that! I've been thinking about it, doubting whether I was delusional to think there was a hope in the first place. Recently, she's somewhat gone distant for weeks too, which was unlike the previous months in which we would text everyday...

[Legatus]

The problem is that you also assumed that flowers or gifts automatically mean no friendzone. As much as we would like it to be the case, there are plenty of possibilities that it isn't so. One being the distance. Everything is different when long distance is involved. Why would she reject the flowers and gifts if she liked spending time with you once you were in the same place - of course she enjoyed your company but not enough to go anywhere actual relationship.

I think you got neither friendzoned nor had you any chance to progress it. You had the so called situationship  She probably wouldn't have any long-term relationship that is long distance but while you were face to face, she enjoyed dating. In a way she made herself clear when you asked.

You put some effort, you gave it a shot, but unfortunately she's not on the same page. I think you did great to try, make yourself clear, and now you know...

[kingof123]

Thanks for the feedback all. I am curious, if you were her/me, what would you have done? Would you have entertain exploring an LDR with someone you have met in real life for less than 20 hours? I now think I was being way too optimistic it had a chance of working out...

[FMW]

I've never had a LDR, I'm not sure how I'd feel.  If you both are at an age of wanting to get married and have children, then I don't think a LDR makes any sense at all unless it's for a limited time of known duration.  

If neither of you care about marriage or a committed relationship, then it might be interesting for some people, although I'm not sure I'd have any interest in that.  

But as a woman, I would NOT accept romantic gestures (gifts, cards, flowers) from a guy that I had no interest in a possible romantic relationship with.  I know that's a topic of contention on this forum, but I don't think it's cool for women to just accept everything given to them, however freely, by a man if she has no interest in a possible real relationship with him.  Few things are given without expectations (as in furthering a romance).  That leads to the bitter guys who feel all women are gold diggers and users. 

Just my opinion. 

[elaine567]

56 minutes ago, kingof123 said:

that wasn't going to change as we couldn't move nearer to each other in the foreseeable future.

^^^ few want to be in an LDR with no definite end in sight.
Also there was no time for you to bond, in order for it to become a proper relationship.
Was there any kissing, physical contact involved or was it purely platonic?
 

[alphamale]

she could have lost interest for any one of a million reasons

don't waste your time trying to figure out what it was

[preraph]

All women instinctually know when a guy is attracted to them and pursuing them.  It's a survival instinct.  And your actions were clear except that you didn't kiss her, sounds like, which I assume is a culture thing.  

 

She got to know you and the extra attraction simply wasn't there for her, though she thinks you're a nice guy.  Please do not keep hanging around hoping she will change her mind.  It doesn't work like that.  Date others and if you want, be a friend, or if that would be painful for you, just tell her, I'll move on then, best wishes.  

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, kingof123 said:

Thanks for the feedback all. I am curious, if you were her/me, what would you have done? Would you have entertain exploring an LDR with someone you have met in real life for less than 20 hours? I now think I was being way too optimistic it had a chance of working out...

What was her reaction after getting the flowers?

 

she may have had interest in you but will not Persue because of the separation/distance.  If you lived in the same city she probably woukd do something 

[Noproblem]

Will you keep on talking to her now? or will you stop?

[ChatroomHero]

If you gave her flowers and gifts on her birthday and when you actually did meet up gave her gifts and cards yet did not kiss her or sleep with her, that is the definition of friendzone. You were standing in the roped off area and she never let you out of it. You just forgot you were still standing in the friendzone after a while.

[Lotsgoingon]

Flowers are a complete waste of time ... Only in the movies do women swoon over flowers such that they suddenly get entranced by the man showing them interest.

In your case, the flowers were a distraction. You want to express interest in someone early on ... don't hide behind sending flowers or picking up the tab for dinner. No, that stuff does not work. 

If you have to announce your interest in someone (after texting daily for months) then you're doing the whole dating ritual all wrong. You need to flirt more earlier ... you need to make it clear earlier that you are interested in romance.  Don't worry: many of us make this mistake, especially when we are younger.

But you have to get your romantic and sexual interest on the table early on ... you can do that by complimenting the person's looks ... and there is a difference between a friend saying "Yes, you look nice" and potential lover saying the same thing. You also need to find a way to touch this person you're interested in ... kissing is the obvious move ... but that can be a hjuge leap ... a safer move is taking her hand and seeing if she takes yours ... or putting your arm around her shoulder and seeing if she responds. 

FYI: if I cannot find a moment or somehow it's hard for me to touch a woman, then that means we are not romantically compatible. 

Texting is a complete waste of time as far as dating goes. You can hide behind texting ...because you pick your words so carefully ... throwing out a compliment but never risking saying you are interested in romance.  

Drop the flowers and cards. People don't develop interest in us for flowers and cards. They develop interest in us because being around us is satisfying and a source of deep pleasure. 

Sorry you got disappointed here ... but you can build on this experience. You cannot stay in friendzone (no touching or flirting) and then one day just magically cross over into romance. Doesn't work that way. 

 

 

Edited February 9, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Ellener]

You can't know. We can't know. I had a man tell me 'I love you' last year who then decided for whatever reason to cut reasonable communication! We were pretty much making out in public every time we met, I haven't felt so aroused by someone like that in years, yet he never followed through to make a proper relationship. So- enough already!

My new date I was interested to see if we'd kiss on our second date, I'm really not all that shy, but again it was just a very platonic long hug and we are very affectionate with each other. I'm ok with that and with taking things romantically slow too. For now. 

It's a crap-shoot isn't it! Where we're forever drawn to the game!!!

 

[Interstellar]

It was dead from the beginning because it’s long distance.

[basil67]

13 hours ago, kingof123 said:

Thanks for the feedback all. I am curious, if you were her/me, what would you have done? Would you have entertain exploring an LDR with someone you have met in real life for less than 20 hours? I now think I was being way too optimistic it had a chance of working out...

Given that there was no way of closing the distance in the foreseeable future, I wouldn't have entertained the idea for a minute.   I would however, have entertained the idea of treating it like a lovely holiday romance if we were both single when on the rare occasions we saw each other.

[Fletch Lives]

I hate to mention this, but most long distance relationships don't work out.

[Daisydooks]

14 hours ago, kingof123 said:

Would you have entertain exploring an LDR with someone you have met in real life for less than 20 hours? 

Never would I entertain dating someone in another country, especially where there was no end in sight. 

When you look at her behaviour towards you, what does that look like? Has she reciprocated these things? Or is she just accepting these kind acts from you gracefully? 

Even if she was or is interested, you got friendzoned because it will never actually work. Out of curiosity, how old is she? At 35 (me) I wouldnt waste my time on someone I could never really have, or risk hurting someone because I had eyes elsewhere (home) for what I really wanted (a mate to live with, share my life with, and start a family with.) If she is of child bearing age, she may see this as a huge waste of time, as should you. 

Unless you can close the gap/distance, you'll be a friend, my friend. 

[YOLO66]

End of the day, the answer is:
She's a Woman.

If you waste your time trying to understand or apply man-logic to their decisions, your will drive yourself nuts.  Just accept it and move on.

Men and Women are wired differently.

[Ellener]

For me as a 53 year old woman, with certain disabilities/limitations now ( no, I'm not going to climb Mount Kilimnjaro or go pick up incendiary devices in the Korean DMZ, not even run in the park any more  etc etc ) and I have one son, I am very attached to him, and unlikely to live an unmanageable distance from him in the long term future. Especially if I get grandchildren. I see that as a new life direction and very important to me, just as my only surviving baby was, and getting through some of his traumas. Pain-pill addiction? Really?!

I am a writer/poet deep down so long-distance would be just that for me, writing back and forth. Flowers are nice but I'd rather have Wendy Cope's poem, Flowers:

Some men never think of it.
You did. You’d come along
And say you’d nearly brought me flowers
But something had gone wrong.

The shop was closed. Or you had doubts -
The sort that minds like ours
Dream up incessantly. You thought
I might not want your flowers.

It made me smile and hug you then.
Now I can only smile.
But look, the flowers you nearly brought
Have lasted all this while.

*

19 hours ago, kingof123 said:

We've been texting almost daily for months.

Then let it be something lovely between you, as long as it lasts, it may not be a 'marriage-type' commitment thing. But it was still special.

[d0nnivain]

21 hours ago, kingof123 said:

Anyway, I've recently told her how I felt and she turned me down, saying she sees the relationship as purely friendship. I've been wondering if she really didn't pick up the signs at all, or whether there's a chance she was somewhat interested in me, but just lost it somewhere along the way. It doesn't matter as the odds, with the distance, are low anyway, but I'm curious if I misread anything. Thoughts?

I don't know.  It's possible that she didn't pick up on the signs but even the most daft woman should recognize that uninterested men don't remember birthdays or send flowers. 

I think she liked you well enough to accept the gifts & attention but that she was uninterested in an LDR.   She wants a BF who is there & you were in a different country.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Telling someone you like that you have zero romantic interest is really hard for a lot of people. Which is why, if the pursuing partner stays inside the friendzone with all communication, the disinterested partner will feel they have no reason to assume the other one is interested.

Ideally this woman would have received some flowers and immediately responded, "hey, I think we might not be on the same page. I am feeling this is a friendship, and that's all I want. You don't need to send flowers."

To build on what d0nnivain says, the tentative approach by the OP gave this woman room to pretend to be daft, to pretend not to notice the OP's interest. I'm not harshly judging her. It can be hard to tell someone you really like that you don't want to date them. Had a woman I see around work approach me recently ... I'm not even that interested in her as a friend ... Anyway, she totally did not get the hints ... Actually more than hints that I was not interested ... and so I found myself stumbling to tell her that I am not interested in a date.  

Some people even feel (not accurately) that they are protecting your dignity by not coming out and saying, "Hey I think you're interested in me, but I'm not interested in you." Most likely this woman thought she was sending friendship vibes only and never flirting with the OP. So he assumed the OP would get the message. 

 

 

[basil67]

17 hours ago, YOLO66 said:

If you waste your time trying to understand or apply man-logic to their decisions, your will drive yourself nuts.  Just accept it and move on.

 

And yet plenty of men understand are making the same guesses as women.  So perhaps men aren't all as clueless as you think?

Edited February 10, 2020 by basil67

[kingof123]

Thanks all for the feedback. One more thing that I should have added. After I told her how I felt and she "friendzoned" me, she actually added that she would like our relationship to be on a mentoring or coaching basis, which was weird because while we met at an office event during the summer, we've never worked together and except for the first month, all of our conversations have always been personal. A few weeks before I told her how I felt, she suddenly started going distant - replying less, ignoring texts etc. But I'm surprised she'd even downgrade our relationship to below casual friendship, which was a stark contrast to what has been happening in the last few months, where we would have raw, intimate, personal discussions.

Months ago, I thought there was a chance she would start becoming distant after I showed stronger signs of affection towards her - flowers, gifts, romantic cards, compliments on how she's special to me... But everything was still going great and we kept on talking and becoming closer.

I'm still trying to fathom what went wrong along the way... One possibility is I've been trying to keep in touch with video calls over the last few weeks, but her schedule has been super packed so we've had to raincheck a few times. That might trigger it.

Again, not harboring any hopes, but just wanted some personal closure. The moments we had was special to me, I wouldn't do it differently even if I could, but some closures would be comforting.

[YOLO66]

Seriously, just get over it.

10 hours ago, kingof123 said:

The moments we had was special to me, I wouldn't do it differently even if I could, but some closures would be comforting.

That's the whole point, you didn't have moments.
You saw things in a particular (romantic) way, she saw them differently.

There is literally no point in trying to figure her out, because the next woman you have feelings for and try the same approach, you may get a completely different result.
There's literally nothing to figure out, because her behaviour doesn't fit within your model.