My gf embarrassed me in front of my friend, should I have a problem with this?

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I feel like she will take me back if I grow a pair and move in

Did she say that she would?

[ironpony]

No I am just heavily guessing she will if I do.  She said that was a huge part of the problem for her, and I thought well she will probably not want to stay broken up, if I am willing to fix the problem.

Edited February 16, 2020 by ironpony

[preraph]

But how do you pursue your career if you move in with her and make that commitment?  Because you already know you are probably going to have to move to pursue that career, so it's basically choosing her or it.  Because as I recall, she's not down to just follow you around.  

[ironpony]

Oh well I was told I shouldn't move to pursue the career, cause it would cost less to make a feature film here, and use that to get my foot in the door, rather than moving to a much more expensive city.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

 I feel like she will take me back if I grow a pair and move in, but is that a good solution to make the relationship work?

That’s the worst possible reason to move in with someone. Doing something that you don’t really want to do because the other person is threatening that they will end the relationship if you don’t do as they ask?

It’s like a woman saying - this relationship is in trouble - so marry me or have a baby with me - or this relationship is over. Nothing good can come from that. 

My friend, we told you way back when that no woman would respond well if they asked a man to move in and he said “No, I’d rather pursue my career and do my own thing.” This relationship has been hanging on by a thread for a while now - it’s time to let it go. You will be free to pursue your career, which seems to be your priority anyway. I think you need to stop wasting this woman’s time - if she wants a boyfriend who will commit to her and maybe have a family, she needs to get busy making that goal happen because her youth is passing her by... I’m sorry.

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Doing something that you don’t really want to do because the other person is threatening that they will end the relationship if you don’t do as they ask?

She hasn't threatened him with anything, She broke up with him and when he asked why she then brought up the moving in scenario.
She has not asked him to move in again, he is assuming if he agrees to move in she will take him back.
It may be an assumption too far.

[ironpony]

Yeah she didn't threaten me or give me any ultimatum.  She broke up and told me what the problem was.  So I thought if I try to step up and correct the problem, maybe that might be good for both of us and the relationship.  Moving in was my idea now, after the break up.

[BaileyB]

Sorry, I misunderstood. It’s still not a good idea, in my humble opinion.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Nope. Let her go. She was only a stopgap for you anyway. You're REALLY OBVIOUSLY not that into her or the relationship. It shines through in everything you say about her.

Now you're free to devote your time and attention to pursuing your dreams - not to mention women who actually excite you and don't just serve as a convenient warm body and a dose of romantic validation.

I mean, you MIGHT be able to get her back if you offer to move in with her - but you wouldn't be doing it for any of the right reasons.

I suspect that YOU have been done with this relationship for a while and just didn't want to be the one to end things. Take it and run with it. It will be better for both of you.

[ironpony]

Oh really? She came to me crying and took me back but we decided we are both going to take work on the issues and take a break, but still not see other people while taking the break.  She is in another city taking her course for the next couple of weeks anyway.

She did text me and ask me though, if I can move in with her before i make the feature film since making it is taking longer than I thought.  However, I am worried that if I do, that I might run out of money to make it with.  Is that a legitimate concern, or am I just being kind of stupid, since I still live with my parents to save up to make a feature film?

[elaine567]

Tell her the truth, tell her you can't possibly move in with her as you need to put every penny into the film.
Are you working yet?

[ironpony]

Okay.  No I haven't found a new job yet, outside the odd partime video work every couple or more weeks.  I wonder if I should just make the movie sooner, while I am not working cause then I will have more time as oppose to a job being in the way later on...

[ironpony]

Well she now is really upset at herself and is really sorry for how she acted.  She said she regrets taking a break and that it hurts. She says the only reason why she acted like that and said those things in front of my friend, and then asked for a break, is because she has been going through a really tough time at work.  Here is the work topic I posted about before since she was going though stress before, and I was worried about her:

So she said this is why she was acting like this towards me, cause of all this work stress.  She also said it was because she had her period that week on top of that, which is what caused her to act that way.

So I told her it's okay, and tried to make her feel better.  Do you think that's true though, that work stress could be causing this in her?

[SumGuy]

Work stress can make anyone touchy and grumpy.    

[ironpony]

Well all of a sudden now she broke up with me, and it seems one of the big reasons was me wanting to make the movie.  But is this such a huge deal?  Why can't a guy pursue a career goal, and have a gf at the same time?  Or is that just having my cake and eating it too? 

This happened to another filmmaker I helped out productions before.  Eventually his wife gave him an ultimatum and said it was either the filmmaking or me and the kids, and eventually he just went back to her, and disappeared from the filmmaking community where I live, but can I only have one and not the other?

[K.K.]

Hi ironpony  I think you should be able to have both. I think when it’s something as important to you as your movie, why should you have to give that up? You’re only going to be filled with resentment and bitterness if you did. Maybe she’s drawing a line in the sand- expecting you not to cross. 

I know that you love her. This movie has always been a thorn in her side, I get it. But it’s important to you. I would stand my ground. Or tempt hating her for making you choose. 

Let me ask you something .... are you considering giving up your dream for her? And if so, ask yourself.. what kind of person makes their loved one give up their dreams? 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

 can I only have one and not the other?

Life is about balance. Like everything, you will have a problem when one part of your life becomes too much of a focus. Many people struggle to achieve a work/life balance - and relationships end because of people’s inability to find this balance. For me, I would have been especially concerned about the viability of making a movie - to me, that is a risky, all consuming, financially challenging venture that absolutely has the potential to totally affect one’s ability to balance work/life - and in the end, nothing may actually result for this venture. I’m totally in favor of pursuing dreams, but I can absolutely understand her concern as well. 

Edited March 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

My advice....don't quit your day job. Just like any career in the entertainment industry, acting, writing, musician, artist....only maybe 3% actually make it. Harrison Ford understood this, that's why he was making cabinetry to pay the bills, between auditions. Instead of throwing all your energy into a struggling movie script, explore other writing options like commercials, news articles, scripts for short movies with a group. Like Vin Diesel, he wrote, and acted in his own short movie, played it at a film festival...boom someone saw potential and the rest is history. You are going too big, when you should start small and work your way up, collaborating with other talent. You are part of an ocean of hopefuls. You need a strategy/proper plan, get some exposure, work with others.

[Kitty Tantrum]

You're a man following his passions, which is the opposite direction of a man who is looking to settle into the life of duty and obligation that most women think and feel that being a "girlfriend" is or ought to be leading up to.

Why SHOULD you be able to have it all? Why SHOULD you be able to have all of the perks that exist on both ends of the spectrum? As a mortal human, you're only capable of moving toward one end or the other at a time.

This isn't about WHAT your goal is, it's about how you APPROACH it. A man may have many goals - career and family are two that very typically co-exist. But when your "career goals" are driven by passions and dreams rather than discipline, and pursued/prioritized in ways that take away from supporting a healthy human partnership - instead of being seen as the practical/material basis for supporting human partnership, etc. - you don't stand out as a good prospect for commitment.

You don't stand out as a man who will prioritize his relationship from the perspective that a strong partnership will eventually help him reach his dreams, even if it means starting out small and humble and taking baby steps. You stand out as a man who is willing to discard every partner along the road of pursuing success, who dares to ask that you make them a priority. If they're not okay with putting the relationship "on ice" until you've "made it" - whatever, they're expendable.

I think you're good at speaking words that make her question and second-guess her intuition - which is telling her all of this in ways she can't fully grasp or articulate. But in her gut, she understands that when push comes to shove, the two of you want different things for the future. Flapping your gums to convince her that this isn't the case will only go so far, will only work so many times, before she wises up to the fact that you don't really want her for what she's offering you.

You want her because you want to do as you please and not be alone. Nobody owes you that.

[ironpony]

On 3/7/2020 at 3:34 PM, Kitty Tantrum said:

You're a man following his passions, which is the opposite direction of a man who is looking to settle into the life of duty and obligation that most women think and feel that being a "girlfriend" is or ought to be leading up to.

Why SHOULD you be able to have it all? Why SHOULD you be able to have all of the perks that exist on both ends of the spectrum? As a mortal human, you're only capable of moving toward one end or the other at a time.

This isn't about WHAT your goal is, it's about how you APPROACH it. A man may have many goals - career and family are two that very typically co-exist. But when your "career goals" are driven by passions and dreams rather than discipline, and pursued/prioritized in ways that take away from supporting a healthy human partnership - instead of being seen as the practical/material basis for supporting human partnership, etc. - you don't stand out as a good prospect for commitment.

You don't stand out as a man who will prioritize his relationship from the perspective that a strong partnership will eventually help him reach his dreams, even if it means starting out small and humble and taking baby steps. You stand out as a man who is willing to discard every partner along the road of pursuing success, who dares to ask that you make them a priority. If they're not okay with putting the relationship "on ice" until you've "made it" - whatever, they're expendable.

I think you're good at speaking words that make her question and second-guess her intuition - which is telling her all of this in ways she can't fully grasp or articulate. But in her gut, she understands that when push comes to shove, the two of you want different things for the future. Flapping your gums to convince her that this isn't the case will only go so far, will only work so many times, before she wises up to the fact that you don't really want her for what she's offering you.

You want her because you want to do as you please and not be alone. Nobody owes you that.

But this is what I don't understand.  Why can't I make the movie but also really want her and what she is offering me as well?   What does what she is offering me have anything to do with making the movie?

Also, isn't she being kind of double-standard-ish, since she followed her career and got into the field she wanted?  Why is she not okay with me doing, when she did, and I have no problem with her doing that?

Edited March 16, 2020 by ironpony

[ironpony]

On 3/7/2020 at 2:58 PM, smackie9 said:

My advice....don't quit your day job. Just like any career in the entertainment industry, acting, writing, musician, artist....only maybe 3% actually make it. Harrison Ford understood this, that's why he was making cabinetry to pay the bills, between auditions. Instead of throwing all your energy into a struggling movie script, explore other writing options like commercials, news articles, scripts for short movies with a group. Like Vin Diesel, he wrote, and acted in his own short movie, played it at a film festival...boom someone saw potential and the rest is history. You are going too big, when you should start small and work your way up, collaborating with other talent. You are part of an ocean of hopefuls. You need a strategy/proper plan, get some exposure, work with others.

Well I''ve made short films before and also met other people along the way in the business, and I helped other people on their film projects, but eventually I have to take the big leap, don't I?

[basil67]

It's about having a plan B @ironpony  

[ironpony]

Well I guess plan B would be to find another job, if this career goal does not work out.  But she followed her dream job and got what she wanted, so it makes me wonder why is she so not in favor of me doing it, when she did it...

[elaine567]

Up till now she has stuck by you, through some tough times, but now she doesn't want to do that any more.
You are an unemployed warehouse worker, who is making a film about serial rapists.... 
You are 36 and live at home with your parents. You are not in a financial position to take the relationship forward ie living together.
You declined her offer to live together. Money and the film was more important to you. 
You are ploughing all your savings into the film and will be doing so for the foreseeable.
There is no room in your life for her.
She doesn't want to be just the woman you sleep with at the week ends.
I think had this been a film she could  believe in then she may have wanted to stick around despite the problems. 
BUT she hated the subject matter, she doesn't like the film, and the film is now seen by her as "the enemy".
Your dream is not her dream.
She is moving up in her life, she I guess doesn't want you and your film dragging her down.
 

[Kitty Tantrum]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

But she followed her dream job and got what she wanted, so it makes me wonder why is she so not in favor of me doing it, when she did it...

What was/is her dream job? Perhaps something more practically realistic than filmmaker?

The WHAT matters here because if you're chasing a dream with poor odds of any real success (STABLE income over long term, not continually sinking time and money into projects hoping they pan out) while she's chosen a field that was a matter of buckling down and working hard and being more or less set... that makes her the grownup, and you kinda not.

What does SHE get out of staying with you? Sex on the weekends? She could that from men who are more attracted to her AND who are already financially stable and independent.

What do you bring to the relationship that makes it worth it?

This isn't about what YOU want or "deserve." It's about providing and doing the things that are necessary to sustain the sort of relationship you want. If you don't do that, the relationship won't last.