My gf embarrassed me in front of my friend, should I have a problem with this?

[ironpony]

Well I talked this over with the same friend, but he made a point saying that I should still let my gf know that she cannot act like this again in the future, which I did not do, after we sort of made up.  So I guess I should still bring that too her attention then, that she cannot do that again?

[ironpony]

Well it seems that things are going good with me and my gf, a couple of days ago, after making up, we made a plan for valentines day.  I told her I agreed to do a video shoot on Friday, valentines day, cause she said before that we should take a break and so I thought well if we should take a break than I will agree to do this shoot on friday if I have nothing to do, since I was asked to a shoot.

So I said yes.  Then after she changed her mind about taking a break and wants to make up and work things out, we both agreed to do something for valentines, but I told her that I agreed to a shoot after she said let's take a break for a while.  I said is it okay if we do our valentines on Saturday in stead, but I also told her I could cancel the shoot and get out of it, for our valentines, and she said no it's okay.  She said no, let's do Saturday cause if we go out to dinner, we won't have to wait as long for a table compared to valentine's day.  I was going to take her out to dinner and a movie, and with a present of some chocolate assortments I bought.

So today, two days later, she asked me what time my shoot it is going to be finished at, and I said 8, but might be till 8:10 cause of clean up.  She then asked well why didn't we do our valentines today since 8 is not late.  I told her, well the time it would take for me to get back, put my equipment at her place for the night, and change, it would be around 8:30-8:40, and so I thought maybe she wouldn't want to wait that long for dinner, and then a movie after, and I kinda thought it was late too, so I told her I was shooting that night.  But could get out of it if she wanted to do that night.  But she took my Saturday suggestion instead.  But now she is asking why didn't I tell her I was done by 8 around on Friday, two days ago, when we talked about it...  I said it just seemed late but I offered to cancel if she wanted, and we both agreed to Saturday instead.

But after I told her this is why it didn't occur to me to tell her I was done at 8, she is now saying that on Saturday, my friend, the same friend from before, invited her to an event and she is going to that instead now.  I didn't get to talk to her more cause she is at work, and I will be off to the shoot, so I won't find out more till later, but is this strange, that all of a sudden she is now going to an event with my friend, who invited her on Saturday, when we agreed to do valentines day?  If she wants to go to my friends event, instead, I guess I won't let it bother me, but as long as it sounds like things are good with her between us, or no?

Edited February 14, 2020 by ironpony

[Kitty Tantrum]

No, it doesn't sound like things are good. It sounds like she's testing you to see where she stands on your list of priorities.

One could argue that this isn't healthy behavior on her part - but not much about this relationship sounds healthy.

[preraph]

At least give her a card today or something and then do your dinner tomorrow if you agreed on it. 

 

 

[ironpony]

Oh well because of the shoot, I am haven pre-occupied and did not get the card yet.  I told her I could cancel and do things tonight, but she already made other plans.  I told her I feel bad in retrospect now, since I made plans cause I wasn't sure what was going to happen if we were on a break.  She then said she just agreed to tomorrow cause it seemed like the shoot was a higher priority on my list.  But I told her it wasn't and I would rather spend the day with her, and I just want to get the shoot over with, but of course I would rather spend time with her.

[ironpony]

Well because me and my gf had this falling out, I wasn't sure what was going to happen for valentines day so I decided to concentrate on the shoot I had.  Me and her then made up and I agreed to take her to dinner today, the day after valentine's day, as well as give her the chocolate and candy present I had for her before.  But because of the falling out, I wasn't in valentines day mode fully, and I totally forgot to her a card along with the dinner and previous present.  Now she is really hurt that I didn't and cancelled the rest of of the day with me and wanted to be alone.

I talked about it with a friend of mine and he said to make up by ordering her flowers and having them delivered to her, but is it worth it, or did I made a huge error and I should really fix it?

[preraph]

After all this stewing about this here on the board, I'm sorry, I have trouble thinking you actually forgot the gift and card.  I think you wanted to do that and so you did it.  Now, was it conscious or subconscious?  I'll take your word for it, but Freud would have something to say about that.  And what he would say is that you act out passive-aggressively.  

 

If you truly can't get it together any better than this, I don't know why you even want a relationship.  Sorry to be pointed, but really, all this dwelling on it, and then you forget?  Nah.

[ironpony]

No I actually forgot.  Why wouldn't I, if I felt the relationship was in trouble, and therefore was not in valentine's mode as much?  I think it was because I was worried about these other things going on in the relationship, my thoughts were pre-occupied, hence why I forgot the card.

Edited February 15, 2020 by ironpony

[preraph]

Well, that just showed her how not focused on her you are, so maybe it's for the best.  You weren't thinking about her.  She wasn't on your mind.  Really, that is not going to be enough for ANY woman.  Valentine's Day or not.  

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, ironpony said:

No I actually forgot.  Why wouldn't I, if I felt the relationship was in trouble, and therefore was not in valentine's mode as much?  I think it was because I was worried about these other things going on in the relationship, my thoughts were pre-occupied, hence why I forgot the card.

That’s the thing with love and relationships - when you truly love someone, their happiness is important to you. In other words, you buy the card and tell her you love her even when you may not be feeling it because you care about the other person and you want her to be happy. 

Edited February 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Seems you took the news of "the break", in your stride.
Like it didn't matter a damn to you.|
You organised a film shoot for Valentines's day, knowing full well that was like a red rag to a bull.
The film stuff is a big part of the "problem", is it not?
OK it was a "practical" thing to do to go to the shoot,  but  hardly the actions of a guy who wanted to save his relationship.
She capitulated and agreed to the Saturday re arrangement, but again you seemingly "deliberately" ruined it.
You have a gf who is remarkably tolerant, yet you appear to not care for her at all by your actions.

[ironpony]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s the thing with love and relationships - when you truly love someone, their happiness is important to you. In other words, you buy the card and tell her you love her even when you may not be feeling it because you care about the other person and you want her to be happy. 

Oh okay, but I already had a present for her as well as taking her out to dinner and a movie, and spending the night together, cause I wanted to make her happy cause that was the plan.  So I had a plan all worked out, and I felt that was going to make her happy, but I was I wrong, and I should have remembered a card on top of it?

Edited February 15, 2020 by ironpony

[ironpony]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Seems you took the news of "the break", in your stride.
Like it didn't matter a damn to you.|
You organised a film shoot for Valentines's day, knowing full well that was like a red rag to a bull.
The film stuff is a big part of the "problem", is it not?
OK it was a "practical" thing to do to go to the shoot,  but  hardly the actions of a guy who wanted to save his relationship.
She capitulated and agreed to the Saturday re arrangement, but again you seemingly "deliberately" ruined it.
You have a gf who is remarkably tolerant, yet you appear to not care for her at all by your actions.

I only planned the shoot, because she said we should take a break.  So I planned the shoot, and then later she didn't want to take a break anymore.  So if a gf says she wants to take a break, is planning a shoot a couple of days later, not allowed then?  Am I suppose to just sit around and not do anything all day, just in case she changed her mind on the break, and just wait all day for a phone call, ready to go, in case she changes her mind?  Plus I was hurt from the let's take a break, so I felt I had to take my mind off it.  So I agreed to a shoot to help take my mind off of being hurt.  Is that not okay?

I mean if she hadn't had said let's take a break, then the valentine's day plans would have happened, wouldn't they have?

I also talked about it with that same friend for advice, and he said that I already had a valentine's day plan for her where already had a gift, and going to take her to dinner and a movie, and that should have been good for her for a valentine's, and that she shouldn't have reacted negatively, just cause there wasn't a card in the gifts.  Does he have a point?

Edited February 15, 2020 by ironpony

[BaileyB]

It’s not about the card, or the dinner or the gift - it’s about showing your girlfriend that her feelings are important to you. It’s about showing your girlfriend that she/your relationship is a priority to you.

As Elaine said, she said “let’s take a break” and you said “no problem, I’ll just make other plans.” That doesn’t make a woman feel good about the relationship - when she essentially says, “I’m not happy” and your response was pretty much “Whatever... I’ll just do my own thing...” 

Edited February 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[ironpony]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Did you actually take her to dinner and give her a gift? It’s not about the card, or the dinner or the gift - it’s about showing your girlfriend that her feelings are important to you. It’s about showing your girlfriend that she/your relationship is a priority to you.

As Elaine said, she said “let’s take a break” and you said “No problem, I’m going to make other plans.” That doesn’t make a woman feel good about the relationship - when she says, “I’m not happy, let’s take a break” and your response was essentially “whatever...” 

I was going to take her to dinner and give her a gift after but she found out about the lack of a card before I got the chance so she canceled the rest of the day and no dinner and gift giving got to happen as a result.  What happened was, is that I told her that in addition to dinner and a gift, that I thought I should get her a card to, so I told her I was going to get her one before picking up later for dinner, but forgot because of all the emotional stuff I was going through with the problems, and that I am going to go get her one before meeting her.  She then got turned off and canceled.

Edited February 15, 2020 by ironpony

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I was going to take her to dinner and give her a gift after but she found out about the lack of a card before I got the chance so she canceled the rest of the day and no dinner and gift giving got to happen as a result.  What happened was, is that I thought I should get her a card to, so I told her I was going to get her one but forgot because of all the emotional stuff I was going through with the problems, and that I am going to go get her one before meeting her.  She then got turned off and canceled.

I really don’t think it was about a card. No woman in her right mind would cancel a date on Valentine’s Day/end a relationship because her partner didn’t get her a card - particularly if you are offering dinner and a gift. I still say, this is about the fact that she felt unimportant, unappreciated, and unloved.

[ironpony]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I really don’t think it was about a card. No woman in her right mind would cancel a date on Valentine’s Day/end a relationship because her partner didn’t get her a card - particularly if you are offering dinner and a gift. I still say, this is about the fact that she felt unimportant, unappreciated, and unloved.

Alright are you saying that I was making her feel unimportant cause I agreed to her saying let's take a break for some time?  I didn't agree right away.  I told her I didn't want to about 3-4 times, before agreeing.  I only agreed cause she really wanted to, after I tried to get her to not take a break.  So I only agreed, after a few attempts, cause I thought I should give her her space maybe.  Was that not good of me though to give her her space, if she kept asking for it?

And if it's not about the card, then why was she acting really excited to me over the phone, and really wanting to get together again, and then does a complete 180 when I said I'm going to go shopping for a card to?  If it wasn't about the card, I wish she should have been honest with me, instead of making it seem like it was about the card.

Edited February 16, 2020 by ironpony

[ironpony]

Do you think that by agreeing to give her her space now when she said she wanted cancel valentine's was a mistake too?  Should I go over there and surprise her or something like that, or call her and tell her I really don't want to cancel, if that's better?

[preraph]

Do you want to keep this woman or not? I'm not judging you one way or the other because when this thread started it didn't sound like you two were agreeing on much and rolling in the same direction. 

 

But if you want her you're going to have to show her and not make her an afterthought. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay, so what is the best way to show her then?

I talked about it with a woman friend of mine, who knew about the valetine plan I made beforehand, and she said she felt my gf was being childish, by not letting a card get in the way, and that she was looking for whatever hole she could poke to cancel evening.  Do you think she is right?  My guy friend I talked to about it also said if I wait till she talks to me first, that's better, cause then she is going to miss me more, if that's true?

Edited February 16, 2020 by ironpony

[preraph]

No I don't think your woman friend is right. your girlfriend is already on her very last nerve and wanting a break I believe you said and then this Valentine's deal I think just put her over the edge. Probably not just the one thing with the card but the whole thing.

 

Obviously you need to sit down and talk it out. 

[ironpony]

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

No I don't think your woman friend is right. your girlfriend is already on her very last nerve and wanting a break I believe you said and then this Valentine's deal I think just put her over the edge. Probably not just the one thing with the card but the whole thing.

 

Obviously you need to sit down and talk it out. 

Oh isn't this what my woman friend was saying, but my gf looking to poke holes in what she could find to cancel the evening, is pretty much the same thing as what you said, but worded differently... poke holes, as oppose to being pushed over the edge?

Well if I made a mistake, what's the plan now?

Edited February 16, 2020 by ironpony

[preraph]

I don't think she wanted to cancel the evening but I just think she was very disappointed with things. 

 

You need to sit down and talk to her and figure out if you can give her enough attention. I know you guys have some things that are probably going to drive you apart at some point. I guess you need to get all that out in the open.

[ironpony]

ok.  should i do this tonight right now,  though or give here her space for now.

Edited February 16, 2020 by ironpony

[ironpony]

Well she broke up with me and one of the big things that has been bothering her it turned out is that I didn't move in with her back when she asked me too.  I guess I didn't feel quite ready at this time.  But she said I have a problem with that, not being ready for certain things, hence why it's taking me long to get the feature film made as I will delay certain parts of it.  Perhaps she has a point.  I feel like she will take me back if I grow a pair and move in, but is that a good solution to make the relationship work?