My gf embarrassed me in front of my friend, should I have a problem with this?

[ironpony]

Oh okay, but how do I enforce it though, after telling her?

[basil67]

Given that a boundary is supposed to be solid, if she crosses your boundary again, then you have to leave the relationship.   Thing is though, she is likely to do this again so first decide if this is the course you wish to take. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay, but if I let her know I am serious about the boundary, and if she does actually love and respect me, than why is she likely to do it again?

[basil67]

Because if your mate is right about her being annoyed by you, then I'd say that her respect for you isn't that high.    Also, she may say something which she doesn't think is bad but you do.  

[Ellener]

15 hours ago, ironpony said:

I shouldn't put a career plan on hold to develop a relationship, should I? 

Quote

 

It's not a career plan at this stage though is it, in the same way as doing a college course or starting a new job. It'll be difficult to plan a future with you when so much is up in the air. 

[ironpony]

Oh are you saying my goals are interfering with the relationship?

[ironpony]

Well I told her that I felt embarrassed again and explained why and she responded by saying that this always happens and I keep on getting embarrassed by things she says and she is tried of this drama bull$%^t.   Does she have a point perhaps?  She also says that I say embarrassing things towards her and get away with it, and mention some crazy stuff I told people.  But that crazy stuff was stories about me though, and not her, so wouldn't she feel more embarrassed if I criticized her in front of her friends, compared to telling them a crazy thing about myself?

Edited February 12, 2020 by ironpony

[K.K.]

2 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Well I told her that I felt embarrassed again and explained why and she responded by saying that this always happens and I keep on getting embarrassed by things she says and she is tried of this drama bull$%^t.   Does she have a point perhaps?

That’s what she wants to believe anyway.

And by your tone, it seems like you do. 

It’s all in what you think is acceptable, ironpony. 

I think it should be give and take. I think she should be a little more considerate of your feelings about being embarrassed. And maybe ... yea you could try to be a little less sensitive. 

Nah... I totally lied there about you being less sensitive. I mean. .. I tried to believe it for a minute but really ...I think she should not embarrass you and humiliate you and if she keeps on, it’s going to burn you out on her regardless. 

It’s your life here. Your choices, your rules. None of us can tell you how to live it or make them. Do your best to be true to yourself here. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay, as long as I am not being my own boss to much to the point where I am being pigheaded or unfair or anything.

[K.K.]

Exactly!!!  

[ironpony]

But do you think she has a point where I embarrassed her to, so I am just as bad?  It was mostly funny things I told about myself for laugh, but I feel that what she did, seeming to criticize me in front of friends, to get a reaction, seemed like it was crossing a line in comparison, or so I felt.

Edited February 12, 2020 by ironpony

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Well I told her that I felt embarrassed again and explained why and she responded by saying that this always happens and I keep on getting embarrassed by things she says and she is tried of this drama bull$%^t.   Does she have a point perhaps?  She also says that I say embarrassing things towards her and get away with it, and mention some crazy stuff I told people.  But that crazy stuff was stories about me though, and not her, so wouldn't she feel more embarrassed if I criticized her in front of her friends, compared to telling them a crazy thing about myself?

It sounds to me like you have behaved in a way which embarrasses her in front of friends.  You don't have to mock her for her to be embarrassed.  For example, if my husband got really drunk and messy at a party, I would be embarrassed.  (not suggesting you did that).  But she accepts that, so thinks that you should accept her behaviour.

That said, it sounds like she's getting fed up. It wouldn't surprise me if she ends the relationship.

[ironpony]

Oh okay I just thought with what she said to me in a social gathering, was actually negative and antagonizing I thought, where as the things I said here and there, were meant as good natured, so I thought it wasn't as bad if it was good natured.

But she is also turned off that I waited a few days to bring it up as oppose to right away.  But I wanted to cool off and ask opinions and get a clear head on it, but I also didn't bring it up right away cause she is doing her business training course in another city, and felt she needed to concentrate on that.   But now I feel better and talked to her about it and said I think we should work it out and move past it and I'm better now.  But now she is saying she wants to take a break from us, and feels she doesn't want to loose us, but we should take a break she says.

[preraph]

Can you give us two examples of what you said that embarrassed her?  I hope it wasn't you joking at her expense, that's all.  I want to see if she has a legit complaint.

[ironpony]

Like while we were with friends, we got on the topic of picking up women or men and I mentioned how one time was in the pharmacy buying condoms years ago, and there was a really goodlooking woman and I tried to pick her up but it didn't work so well, cause I just happened to be holding a box of condoms.  Everyone laughed, but that's one I can think of where she was embarrassed I think.  That's one off the top of my head, and trying to think of others.

But now she is saying that she feels that I don't focus enough on her and that I spend to much time on trying to get this feature film made, and get into this career.  But I find this odd that this bothers her because she is in another city at the moment for a few weeks getting her degree in a business course, and that doesn't bother me.  So why does she think my goals take up too much therefore?

Edited February 12, 2020 by ironpony

[preraph]

I don't see why that story would have embarrassed her personally. 

 

Yes, I agree she's doing what she needs to do and resents you for doing what you feel you need to do. Seems like a wash. 

I just don't know that you two are close enough to getting along to put that much effort in. 

[CAPSLOCK CROOK]

One of the things you learn when becoming an artist, is the relationship between risk-taking and safety, in all aspects of art. Personally, I believe we use the word "Artist" very liberally, because, again, personally, I believe art is inherently about risk-taking... People who focus on safety in any type of art form usually end up focusing on safety, because they have found a profitable niche for them to exploit for a time, but you have to understand that the second you begin embracing safety in any art form, that is the beginning of the end... Sure, there are some exceptions, some art has been labelled timeless and to some people, it is timeless, but to expect yourself to create timeless art, I think this is a really high bar to set for yourself.

So I mean, your girlfriend's criticisms, they are hers, not yours... Is there a time and place for good and bad criticism? I would say no... I would say the second you expose somebody to your work, you also expose all the people that the person knows as well, because they are going to formulate an opinion of you, based on how they perceived your art and are going to share that opinion, as they should.

 

[K.K.]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

I don't see why that story would have embarrassed her personally.

Yes, I agree she's doing what she needs to do and resents you for doing what you feel you need to do. Seems like a wash. 

I just don't know that you two are close enough to getting along to put that much effort in. 

I agree. 

Ironpony, I don’t think it’s same kind of embarrassment at all as what she did to you. You told a story that probably make her feel a little jealous or weird because well.. you were talking about a past girl you were trying to pick up.  

But that’s not like she did by blatantly humiliating you by pissing on your dreams in front of others. 

I really think it was awful for her to do that. 

 

20 minutes ago, ironpony said:

But now she is saying that she feels that I don't focus enough on her and that I spend to much time on trying to get this feature film made, and get into this career. But I find this odd that this bothers her because she is in another city at the moment for a few weeks getting her degree in a business course, and that doesn't bother me.  So why does she think my goals take up too much therefore?

It’s obvious that she’s so resentful of this. Like she’s jealous of all the time you devote to it. But you gotta ask yourself, if it wasn’t this thing she was mad about, what would it be next? A pet? A friend? A job that forced you to work long hours? 

Now she’s pulling out all the stops by saying earlier she’s “sick of your drama” (paraphrasing) and just now you said she’s saying that she wants to take a break. 

So ... take a break. 

I don’t know. What doesn’t sit right with me is that she seems to hate what you see as your dream. Your passion. And she embarrasses you about it in public. Literally laughing in your face.  I don’t think I could really stand somebody after awhile if they kept doing this to me and gave me no support. Even if my dreams seem idiotic to others, they’re still my dreams, ya know. Who knows? You could end up writing the greatest screenplay ever. It could happen, right? 

You guys have just come to a head. The break is probably best so that both of you can reassess the situation.

Sorry ironpony,   Hang in there. 

 

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks.  Well after she said let's take a break, I said okay, if you want to do that we can, if you really want to.  Then later she said she is not sure about the break thing because she said she is scared that if she does, that I will go hook up with some other woman, even though we are not technically broken up.  I told her no, I won't do that, not at all, and that I don't want to just because we are on a break, and that she can trust me not to want to...

She said thanks and that's good of me.  Then later after that, she now says she can't take a break as it's too hurtful for her and she wants to keep trying.  I said sure, we can keep trying.  But did she say that cause she actually wants to and changed her mind after a few hours, or did she say that cause she was worried I would hook up with someone else?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

But now she is saying that she feels that I don't focus enough on her and that I spend to much time on trying to get this feature film made, and get into this career.  But I find this odd that this bothers her because she is in another city at the moment for a few weeks getting her degree in a business course, and that doesn't bother me.  

If we were just talking about a few weeks in your case, you would have a good argument.  But this is something so important to you that you were thinking of moving to another city and not telling her.   Also, how much are you talking about this with her?   Sometimes when I get a passion going, hubby needs to tell me that he's heard enough about it.  Could you be doing the same thing?

[ironpony]

Oh that whole other city thing was like a 8 months ago though, wasn't it?  I was just sick of people trying to talk me out of pursuing the career goal so I got frustrated.  But I could never actually move without telling her, I was just frustrated.  I think a lot more has happened between us in a year, and things have changed over that time, haven't they?  You mean how much of my career have I been talking about with her?  Quite a bit, why?

Edited February 13, 2020 by ironpony

[K.K.]

2 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay thanks.  Well after she said let's take a break, i said okay,

See that was good!   Now she knows she can’t back you into a corner with threats of ‘taking a break’. Because you said “okay”. See? You didn’t say nooooooo let’s notttt. You stood your ground and said ok! 

2 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Then later after that, she now says she can't take a break as it's too hurtful for her and she wants to keep trying.  I said sure, we can keep trying.  But did she say that cause she actually wants to and changed her mind after a few hours, or did she say that cause she was worried I would hook up with someone else?

Yea, she rethought that crap real quick didn’t she? Mmhmmm 

It was probably a mixture of both lol. Look don’t overthink this part. 

She wants it to work. You want it to work. 

Just spell out clearly how her insults (especially made in public) make you feel and hopefully she will work on this. Tell her again how really important your goals are to you! 

And as for her, just listen to what she has to say and if it’s something that doesn’t require you to bury who you are at your core, see if you can compromise. 

[ironpony]

Oh  okay, I just have more doubts now, after this as well as some things said on here, but maybe things will work out.

[ccas93]

holy over-analyzing

[ironpony]

44 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

holy over-analyzing

Oh am i?  Okay, thanks for letting me know.