My gf embarrassed me in front of my friend, should I have a problem with this?

[preraph]

I think you're too sensitive, but I do think it's a little unusual she talks to Amanda in front of you about things are are typically girl stuff.  That too is a little insensitive.  On the other hand, at least you know what all she talks to Amanda about.  

 

She did put you in an awkward position about the charity thing, but you should have just said no and forgotten about it instead of feeling weird about it.  Also, the time to let your gf know you didn't like her pressuring you on that would have been at the time it happened.  

 

The anniversary thing was nobody's fault, shouldn't have been a big deal.  

I do think your gf probably puts a lot of stock in Amanda's opinion to be talking about your fwb that was visiting.  But all you had to do when she told Amanda is say, I told you I'm not going.  I don't want to go.  

 

 

[basil67]

There's a lot of talk about your girlfriend being bad or insensitive or whatever.  But I didn't see a response as to whether or not she's also on the spectrum.  If so, blunt honesty is part of who she is and she's not a bad person or insensitive or whatever.  She's autistic and this is part of who she is.  

 

[ironpony]

Oh okay well I didn't even want to go see the former friend/fwb but my gf kept insisting so I just said yes, she would stop telling me to.

As for if she is autistic, I don't know.  How would I find that out?

[Noproblem]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

^^^ its all there.

Oh man

I feel op likes AMANDA.. That's why he cares so much!

and his gf knows Amanda is a catch .. 

so she does that to sabotage his image .. but mostly she is not embarrassing him, he is easily embarrassed for trivial matters. 

 

Go with Amanda and don't be cheapo to support your close friend's fundraiser  event for $37 and saving kids with leukemia meanwhile you have no problem spending money on drink and food elsewhere, the paint event is to support your friend and you get to have fun and drink there as well..

Edited February 9, 2020 by Noproblem

[ironpony]

No I don't line Amanda in that way, just as a friend, but for some reason my gf feels more comfortable saying more impulsive things around her it seems.  But if the matters are so trivial then, then why did my gf feel the need to bring them up at all, if they are so trivial?

Edited February 9, 2020 by ironpony

[Noproblem]

14 minutes ago, ironpony said:

No I don't line Amanda in that way, just as a friend, but for some reason my gf feels more comfortable saying more impulsive things around her it seems.  But if the matters are so trivial then, then why did my gf feel the need to bring them up at all, if they are so trivial?

Maybe she finds Amanda is her best friend too and they like to make fun of you in a friendly and funny way.

maybe she doesn't mean to embarrass you or anything.

 

[preraph]

17 minutes ago, ironpony said:

No I don't line Amanda in that way, just as a friend, but for some reason my gf feels more comfortable saying more impulsive things around her it seems.  But if the matters are so trivial then, then why did my gf feel the need to bring them up at all, if they are so trivial?

Now that you said that, I really do think she is sort of gaining courage from Amanda having her there as backup. 

[ChatroomHero]

I think you are a bit too sensitive. Your gf will bring things up and is probably the type to overshare a bit more than you like. I don't think she is wrong necessarily but in the case of the script, if she gave you negative criticism and was annoyed reading it, she should have left it between you and her.

Now if she was having a conversation with you and Amanda and you were talking about the script and she said she really didn't like it, that's all she really should have said and left it at that. Sometimes couples b*tch about each other in company of other friends to get things out in a "safe" environment and maybe get the friends to agree with them. It's a way to argue without having to argue with you directly. It's not great, I think it is kind of common though. If you told her after that it made you feel bad having her kind of slam you and relay that she was irritated in front of others as opposed to in front of you.

I think she needs to share less and you need to care less. Keep in mind, most friends hear their friend couples b*tch and sometimes get a bit nasty. Honestly, 5 minutes later the friends exposed don't give it any more thought. For example, if I was there and witnessed your gf saying that about the script, I'd think, she's in some mood, he probably won't have a fun night when he gets home...and 3 seconds later I never give it a second thought.

She's going to share stuff like that from time to time because that's what couples do and that is her personality. I doubt she will change but if she at least acknowledges when she has done it and is mindful of it in the future and you are not overly sensitive when she straddles the line, it's not a big deal.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, well if it's not a big deal than how come she mentions it to my friend with a tone in her voice like it is a big deal or big concern then?

[ironpony]

Well I talked to my friend about who has hung out with me and my gf a lot and made two points about it.  After I told him that my gf appeared irritated by me he said from my description of it, that sounds like she wasn't actually critiquing the script, but using that as an excuse to disrespect me.  That's what he said anyway.

He also said that whenever he hangs out with me and her, that he noticed that she seems irritated a lot by things I say, that she will often sigh a lot, and it comes off as negative he said.  He says she is not surprised that she went off on a tangent and disrespected, cause he said from his point of view, it was building up in her overtime from being irritated by me overtime he said.  He said he didn't want to say anything bad about her, but thought this would happen eventually he said though.

[ccas93]

Awesome. Let us know how everything works out! 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well I talked to my friend about who has hung out with me and my gf a lot and made two points about it.  After I told him that my gf appeared irritated by me he said from my description of it, that sounds like she wasn't actually critiquing the script, but using that as an excuse to disrespect me.  That's what he said anyway. 

Your friend sounds very insightful.  I would also suggest that another option is that she wasn't using it "as an excuse to disrespect you", but was irritated and blurted it out.   

It wasn't that long ago you were talking about moving away and not telling her.   Perhaps this relationship has reached it's end?

Edited February 9, 2020 by basil67

[Twizzlestick]

Getting caught up saying “get used to harsh criticism making a film” is a red herring. There’s plenty of people in the film world ready to slice your work to pieces. You’re not in a rele with them.

 

Your GF is supposed to be your team mate. No she’s not meant to tell you what you want to hear. If she thinks your film sucks she should have  told you but not go and tell the world. To go outside your rele and start bitching about something you’re creating is disrespectful and actually quite callous. If I started moaning to my mates about how a GF liked to paint but the pictures were crap they’d think me cruel and also I’d feel awful. It’s just not what you do. 

Edited February 9, 2020 by Twizzlestick

[Gaeta]

I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. If I remember well, without checking your history, your girlfriend has offered you to move in with her  but you declined bringning up you needed to concentrate on this movie making. To me, it seems she hates everything about this movie not because of the script but because the movie project itself interferes in the relationship natural development and this with no end in sight. To me that explains the annoyance at reading the script and its content. She wished all this could disappear.

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. If I remember well, without checking your history, your girlfriend has offered you to move in with her  but you declined bringning up you needed to concentrate on this movie making. To me, it seems she hates everything about this movie not because of the script but because the movie project itself interferes in the relationship natural development and this with no end in sight. To me that explains the annoyance at reading the script and its content. She wished all this could disappear.

Oh okay, but is the moviemaking really getting that much in the way of the relatioship though?  I shouldn't put a career plan on hold to develop a relationship, should I?  Also, she is now off to another city for a few weeks to take a training course to further her career, which I am perfectly okay with, so if I am okay with her doing things like that, then shouldn't she be more okay with me doing mine?

[preraph]

Sounds like you two are just not o the same page.  And I do think Gaeta has a point there.  She resents it to begin with and so you can't expect any positive feedback from her.  Just leave her out of it.  If you two are not on the same page on a plan for where to live in the future, you know as well as I do, you will eventually have to break up. 

[Noproblem]

10 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well I talked to my friend about who has hung out with me and my gf a lot and made two points about it.  After I told him that my gf appeared irritated by me he said from my description of it, that sounds like she wasn't actually critiquing the script, but using that as an excuse to disrespect me.  That's what he said anyway.

He also said that whenever he hangs out with me and her, that he noticed that she seems irritated a lot by things I say, that she will often sigh a lot, and it comes off as negative he said.  He says she is not surprised that she went off on a tangent and disrespected, cause he said from his point of view, it was building up in her overtime from being irritated by me overtime he said.  He said he didn't want to say anything bad about her, but thought this would happen eventually he said though.

See.. I see this a lot with my Mom and dad

she does this a lot with him

That's why I don't want you to be with her!

My mom does that to my dad, they still live together, but it's not a good relationship

She'll always be irritated with you and finds you annoying or silly or whatever.

Whenever my dad tells a story or a joke, my mom would make fun of him, or belittle him or etc..

My dad does not have the greatest personality and people sometimes do not listen to him,. so at the least his wife should be supportive

But she isn't.

Do you want such future?

Because as much as my mom sacrificed a lot for dad and for us, still that part is very annoying and making their relationship sucks.

So, I suggest you find a girl that loves everything about you and do not belittle you or make fun of you in front of others.

Yeah it happens sometimes, gf and friends will roast the bf, this is made for fun and harmless.. and it is not something to be mad about.

But what I suspected and what you male friend confirmed, is that she is just annoyed with many things you say or do all the time.. 
Meaning you are not perfect match..

 

 

but on a side note

Me and my sister love each other very much

we live together too

but I sometimes can't stand what she says or do in front of others and will make fun of it or sigh. She does the same to me sometimes. 

So, I still love my sister and she loves me, we'll do everything for each other, but well... we don't see eye to eye on many things....we fight a lot. sometimes in front of others.

so if you discard my first paragraph about my parents

and read this part alone.

Your relationship might work out for a long time, but it won't be perfect.. just a lot of nagging and fights, but also a lot of love.

If you can stand this.. then stay..

If not, then just leave.

 

[ironpony]

Yeah I know, every relationship is not going to be perfect.  But I was really turned off the last couple of times she did this, and was so steamed, I almost broke up with but new I had to cool down before making any decisions.  Of course I love her, and we enjoy each other a lot, I just got really turned off these past couple of days from that.  So maybe it's something I need to work on cause not every relationship is perfect, but that the same time, I really feel I need to emphasize how I feel.

Should I tell her I was so mad I almost broke up with in the heat of the moment, so maybe she will think this is serious and really try not to do it again?  It was also pointed out how I am not the perfect by either, so I don't know...

Edited February 9, 2020 by ironpony

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, but is the moviemaking really getting that much in the way of the relatioship though?  I shouldn't put a career plan on hold to develop a relationship, should I?  Also, she is now off to another city for a few weeks to take a training course to further her career, which I am perfectly okay with, so if I am okay with her doing things like that, then shouldn't she be more okay with me doing mine?

What's the financial risk factor of her going away to do training for a few weeks vs your film project?    

[preraph]

I do think you should sit down when you're not mad and are calm and tell her this really sincerely bothered you.  Tell her, I realize I may be too sensitive, but it really did bother me.  Is this something we can work on?  You can tell me in private if there's an issue or something is annoying you and it's not as embarrassing.  (She can still tell Amanda, but not use her for a shield).  

[ironpony]

Okay sure.  It's just that I told her that it bothered me before, with the snoring conversation, when she called me a liar, in front of Amanda, but she didn't seem to get the message, cause she embarrassed me again now.  So I do I have to do more this time, if the first time having the sit down and the same thing, did not work?

[preraph]

I just don't think you ought to bring up the snoring issue and just focus on this one thing.  I mean, it doesn't sound to me like she actually did know you were serious about her snoring or doesn't believe it.  So leave it aside.  That's for a separate time, and you should just record her after the dust settles on that and say, I love you, but I have to sleep elsewhere, and here's why.  Some people sleep like stones and snoring doesn't bother them.  I can't be anywhere near it.  And a lot of people can't.  My good friend was highly offended when her husband wanted his own room due to her snoring, and I reminded her that she had lived with me for a month 30 years ago and that she snored like a pig even then.  

[Noproblem]

Communication is a key.
Talk to her!

 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, ironpony said:

Should I tell her I was so mad I almost broke up with in the heat of the moment, so maybe she will think this is serious and really try not to do it again?  It was also pointed out how I am not the perfect by either, so I don't know...

Yes, you could tell her that this is how you felt.  But be aware that she may take it as a sign to move on.    Perhaps this is what needs to happen anyway.

Edited February 9, 2020 by basil67

[OnlyHonesty]

Words without actions are like silence. You create a boundary, then you enforce it. Currently your gf has no reason to change her behavior. Ideally she should change due to the respect and care she has for you....

But that's something else you need to be asking yourself about. Often poor boundaries are also paired with a scarcity mindset.