My gf embarrassed me in front of my friend, should I have a problem with this?

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You have made a film about serial rapists and that will bring up a lot of questions in the minds of those who know you, whether you like it or not.

Exactly. You have to make your decisions like this knowingly and thoughtfully, they will have consequences.

Why did you choose to write about rape? is a question people will ask.

[SumGuy]

6 hours ago, ironpony said:

So should I bring this up now, or maybe is under pressure wanting to do well in her course, and should save it for after she accomplishes the course?  But there is also valentines day coming up to, which I was going to go down and visit her for, and got her a gift before.  So should I bring it up before then too?

I'd wait until she returns.   This is not the kind of thing you want someone to ruminate on without being able to talk to you in person.  Also if you wait, the hurt will have faded and you'll be able to approach this from a less emotional place.

[SumGuy]

6 hours ago, ironpony said:

Okay well, my mind and heart tells me I should tell her that if she does it again, I will have to break up with her, but is this a healthy thing to say in a relationship, since it's an ultimatum?

Be very careful how you phrase it.  Generally don't believe that phrasing it as an ultimatum is good, maybe more about where the relationship is going.  More of the "i feel" type statements.  You may want to even just approach it to ask her why she dislikes the topic so (to understand) perhaps explain your view it is like a Law & Order episode (I'm taking your description that it is not graphic or dwells on the details, there are ways to approach this topic that are not salacious, and even socially responsible).  

So not so much an or else approach, but film is your dream (foolish or not).  This time apart may be good to think on things.

It really is up to you, I just see the major issues here, not surprising as who posts recaps of all the great things ,  so wouldn't want to say what you should or shouldn't do. 

[preraph]

How are you knowing that she told the friend this?  Did she tell you, or did the friend tell you, or did you hack her phone?

 

Girlfriends tell their closest girlfriends everything.  People have to have somewhere to vent, just like you vent here.  It's more meaningful to vent to a good friend who might actually tell you if you're being a butt or if you're justified than to strangers here on LS.  If you are sensitive, stop having her read your scripts.  She isn't interested in them.  She's not qualified to make a call on them either.  

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

My guess
Your gf is likely disgusted and bothered by the subject matter of your script.
She seeks to distance herself from it, by saying to your friend she was "forced" to read it.
She tried to get your friend on side on this matter, and it seems like she succeeded. 
Your friend is now feeling awkward.
Few women really feel comfortable around the subject of rape.

What she said was true though, wasn't it? 
You may have been embarrassed in front of your friend, but nothing your gf said wasn't true.
You have made a film about serial rapists and that will bring up a lot of questions in the minds of those who know you, whether you like it or not.
Your gf may be loyal to you, but it doesn't mean she is going to wax lyrical about a film she cannot back due to its content.
I think many woman would feel a bit uneasy if their bf or friend was spending his time making a film about rapes..

Well I guess I just feel that by my gf phasing it that way, the way she phrased it, she described the script entirely out of context, which made me look worse than it would if she described it with more context.

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

How are you knowing that she told the friend this?  Did she tell you, or did the friend tell you, or did you hack her phone?

 

Girlfriends tell their closest girlfriends everything.  People have to have somewhere to vent, just like you vent here.  It's more meaningful to vent to a good friend who might actually tell you if you're being a butt or if you're justified than to strangers here on LS.  If you are sensitive, stop having her read your scripts.  She isn't interested in them.  She's not qualified to make a call on them either.  

Well she told the friend right in front of me.  Am I being too sensitive though?  I thought this was about my gf respecting me in front of my friends, not about how she feels about the script.

[Noproblem]

I don't see what the problem of writing about a serial rapist. Similar to writing about a serial killer or any other horrifying subject.

but I know for a fact that i can't bring up such topics around my sister, so I won't subject her to them ..Let alone force her to read my script about such touchy subjects.

You should have respected her preference and I think she is right in embarrassing you! I would have done that too!

 

I know I sided with you at first, but now I am changing my position. She is right, you are wrong!

 

[ironpony]

10 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

I don't see what the problem of writing about a serial rapist. Similar to writing about a serial killer or any other horrifying subject.

but I know for a fact that i can't bring up such topics around my sister, so I won't subject her to them ..Let alone force her to read my script about such touchy subjects.

You should have respected her preference and I think she is right in embarrassing you! I would have done that too!

 

I know I sided with you at first, but now I am changing my position. She is right, you are wrong!

 

Oh okay, what is it about the situation, that made you change your opinion?  She didn't tell me at all that she is not the type of person that didn't want to read it.  I told her what the script was about and asked her to read it, and she said sure I'll read it.  She didn't give me any indication that she would have a problem with the premise after I told her.

I didn't think I forced her to read the script, I just asked if she could read it for me to give me her opinion and she said sure.  That's not forcing is it?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[preraph]

27 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Well she told the friend right in front of me.  Am I being too sensitive though?  I thought this was about my gf respecting me in front of my friends, not about how she feels about the script.

I think she told you in this context while there was someone around because maybe she just had some fears about telling you just between the two of you. 

 

I'm not saying it was necessarily good manners. You are certainly within your rights to tell her it kind of embarrassed you. I just would not show her any more scripts.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, I would feel it's the opposite and it's much more embarrassing to say it in front of a friend, rather than alone.  But she told me when we were alone a few days ago though.  So would that still be the case, if she already told me her thoughts on it before, but in a less irritated way?

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, I would feel it's the opposite and it's much more embarrassing to say it in front of a friend, rather than alone.  But she told me when we were alone a few days ago though.  So would that still be the case, if she already told me her thoughts on it before, but in a less irritated way?

I think she wanted back up from your friend. 

[ironpony]

But the thing is, is that she described the script in an antagonizing way, in the worst context possible "It's about a bunch of rapes, and I can't stand it, and no one is going to like it".  So by her saying it that way, she was trying to manipulate the back up into being negative though, rather than describing it in a more neutral way to get a less skewed opinion.

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[preraph]

Maybe she's worried that you are writing about rape in a graphic manner or something like that.  I mean, it came out of your brain.  Now, I understand it to some extent because I've followed crime and profiling for decades, but I'm not driven to write about it.  Maybe that worries her that it's coming from your brain and she perhaps unwisely decided to further elaborate in front of the friend because it was a comfort zone or maybe she thought she'd get some support.  

 

Again, I would just not show her any more scripts.  She may have been doing more, in her mind, than just making conversation.  She may even have been bragging in a backdoor way to her friend that her man was a writer but saying it in a roundabout way.  Who knows.  

[Kitty Tantrum]

You've shared before that you like rapey sex stuff and that you've fantasized about those sorts of things while having sex with your girlfriend.

My take on this is that she's picking up on the fact that you don't find her sexually arousing, and is clued-in to the fact that your mind is set on exploring taboo sexual constructs as a way to achieve the stimulation you can't get from her. Whatever words she spits out to express it, I sense that this comes from a deep emotional place of disgust, discomfort, and disappointment - not just over the subject matter itself, but because it hits "close to home," so to speak.

There are so many problems in this relationship, and I suspect they're all connected.

I think you should break up with her. I don't think the two of you are compatible. I think this relationship is stagnant for both of you and preventing both of you from finding more suitable partners.

Edited February 8, 2020 by Kitty Tantrum

[ironpony]

7 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

You've shared before that you like rapey sex stuff and that you've fantasized about those sorts of things while having sex with your girlfriend.

My take on this is that she's picking up on the fact that you don't find her sexually arousing, and is clued-in to the fact that your mind is set on exploring taboo sexual constructs as a way to achieve the stimulation you can't get from her.

There are so many problems in this relationship, and I suspect they're all connected.

I think you should break up with her. I don't think the two of you are compatible. I think this relationship is stagnant for both of you and preventing both of you from finding more suitable partners.

Oh I don't think that at all.  The subject matter of the script has nothing to do with how I prefer women who are more dominating in the bedroom if that's what you mean.  The script is about a serious dark crime story, and has nothing do with me being aroused by women who are more dominating in bed.  Is that a huge difference between the two?  I never connected them in my head.  Plus I never thought of a woman being dominating in bed as 'rapey'.

I also wrote the original drafts of the script before I met her, so me writing the script has nothing to do with our sex life at all.

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[Kitty Tantrum]

I'm assuming your girlfriend doesn't live inside your head, isn't psychic, etc. Correct me if I'm wrong.

You might not see it as being connected, but that doesn't mean that SHE hasn't connected some dots by way of her own emotional perceptions.

It does not take ANY kind of truth or rational assessment to make a woman (or a lot of men, if I'm being fair) feel like "this thing" has something to do with "that thing." Anything at all having to do with sex seems to lead to some sort of conflict and questioning of the relationship. That's why I suspect that, at least in HER mind, all of this is vaguely connected somehow.

Now, maybe her perception is WRONG. Or maybe YOUR perception is wrong. Maybe you're both a little bit right.

But regardless, it doesn't seem to me like this is a healthy relationship.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, I see your point.  But if she is connecting these dots, when there is no connection, and is frustrated over it, I wish she would have had a one on one talk with me about it rather than embarrassing me in front of my friend over it instead, if that was her reason.

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[preraph]

Really, it may kind of scare her deep down.  Rape is an act of violence against women.  It may just make her uncomfortable that it's in your head at all.  She may feel safer discussing it with a friend present.  

 

Seriously, let it go, but just don't show her any more scripts or talk about that type thing with her.  

[ironpony]

Oh okay, well if it was just this one incident, I would be able to let it go more but I am more frustrated cause of all the previous times he embarrassed me in front of the same friend, and now with this on top of it.  So script aside, what about the pattern of the other times, that I posted about in the OP before?

It's the pattern of it that makes me feel like the relationship is on this ice, and that I need to take a break from it and cool off, but am I over-reacting?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[Noproblem]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, well if it was just this one incident, I would be able to let it go more but I am more frustrated cause of all the previous times he embarrassed me in front of the same friend, and now with this on top of it.  So script aside, what about the pattern of the other times, that I posted about in the OP before?

It's the pattern of it that makes me feel like the relationship is on this ice, and that I need to take a break from it and cool off, but am I over-reacting?

can you tell us examples of other embarrassing incidents.

List 2 or 3.. So we can understand. 

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

can you tell us examples of other embarrassing incidents.

List 2 or 3.. So we can understand. 

^^^ its all there.

[basil67]

Have you written actual rape scenes?   Or do the women, say, meet the perp and then you cut to the next scene when the rape has happened?   When the women meet with police, are their reports of the rapes graphic?

[ironpony]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you written actual rape scenes?   Or do the women, say, meet the perp and then you cut to the next scene when the rape has happened?   When the women meet with police, are their reports of the rapes graphic?

Well I don't want to get sidetracked, but I did write one of the scenes, then cut it out later.  I'm like that when it comes to writing violence, I write it all out, just to get the feel of it, and then cut it down later, or cut it out completely.  As it stands there are currently no rape scenes in it.  The reports are not graphic, a lot is left to the imagination.

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[basil67]

Assuming that she didn't read one of the actual rape scenes, then this is a tick in your favour

 

[ironpony]

She read the original before, before I cut the scene out.  But she knows that it's cut out now.

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony