My gf embarrassed me in front of my friend, should I have a problem with this?

[ironpony]

I feel like she embarrassed me in front of the same friend in past occasions.  I talked about it before on a past thread here:

 

And today, while hanging out with the same friend, she did it again.  I don't know why she always talks about things that are more personal that friend of mine, possibly cause she feels closer to her compared to my other friends I guess.  Basically I got my gf to read over a screenplay I wrote, which I was trying to make into a feature film.  But weeks later, she tells this friend who she cannot stand the script and hates it, but she said it like she is frustrated and complaining that I got her read it, even though she agreed.  Now, I am okay with people telling me my script sucks, if we are doing a one one on critique and that is the purpose of the conversation but the way my gf brought it up in a social situation, out of complete randomness, saying it like saying it in such an irritable way, just really turned me off.

Do you think maybe I am overreacting, since I am also reacting cause of the previous times she has done it, or what do you think from what you can tell?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[manfrombelow2]

Yes you should. You tell her (at home of course) how her action made you feel and that you hope she would not do it again. Communicate with a loving tone.

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks.  It's just I did this before the last few times, she did it and she does it again, so I feel I need to be a lot more something rather this time.  I am actually thinking of taking a bit of break after this time, maybe some time apart, or at least feel I should tell her to show how serious I am.  What if I told her that if she needs to vent and b@#tch at me about things when we are alone, then that's one thing, but I told her not to do it front of other people, more than once now...  But is that too much of an over-reaction on my part?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[basil67]

If you're making a feature film with a sucky script, this is the gentle end of the criticism you'll receive  A film with a bad script will be publicly torn to shreds.  Now, I'm not saying that she's right to publicly criticise you, but you need to be able to cope with much much worse if you're to continue in film making.   

Regarding asking her opinion of the script, what skill set does she have to make her a good critic?  English or Film major?  

[ironpony]

Oh yeah, I can handle the criticism in filmmaking, that's not a problem, I just felt that it was the wrong place for her do it, with the wrong person, under the wrong circumstances, and I do not know why she chose to do in this social situation that has nothing to do with it.  That's all.

She doesn't have an English or film major, I just wanted to get opinions from others.  But when she said how she hates that I got her to read it, she made it sound like it was a relationship issue that she had to read it not a script issue.  I felt that was the problem.

It would be like be like if she got me to give me an opinion on how she was doing at her job, and then later when we went out to dinner with one of her friends I said to her "Ugh, you suck at your job so much, why did you have to ask me your opinion on it, I hate having to think about your job", and made it sound like it was a relationship issue.  If that makes sense?

I don't mind if she criticizes my script.  She did it just the other day to me in private.  But for her to do it in front my friend, and for her to say it in a tone, like she is really annoyed and irritated by me, days later, is different, isn't it?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[SumGuy]

If this is not the first time, it’s a complete emotional disregard for something that is a dream of yours, a core of your being.  
 

You certainly can’t expect emotional regard from strangers, and certainly not film critics, but yes it is reasonable to expect it from ones girlfriend or boyfriend.  
 

Now a true friend will tell you if your work is crap, but in a constructive way and in the proper setting.  

Edited February 8, 2020 by SumGuy

[basil67]

If you put out a film with a really bad script, it will be criticised in all kinds of wrong places.  In front of your boss.  Workplace.  Friends.  Family.  What happened here is nothing compared to going public.   

And again, what skill set does she have to be critiquing your script?   Perhaps it's not a bad script but it simply doesn't appeal to her?   Or she prefers novels to a script?

[ironpony]

Oh I already explained that she doesn't have any majors in that area, I just wanted her opinion cause she is my gf and she was available to read it and I was just interested.  And she gave me her opinion already on it.  I wasn't hurt by the criticism, I was fine.

It's just after she gives me criticism, she then randomly tells my friend how much it sucks and that she can't stand it, but she says it as if she is really irritated by me, and in a irritated tone.  Isn't that different, rather than just giving me good criticism?  Why act personally irritated about it in front of my friend?  It's not the criticism that bothers me, it's that she is irritated personally it seems by me.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Now a true friend will tell you if your work is crap, but in a constructive way and in the proper setting.  

SumGuy makes a good point.  

However I'm wondering if your girlfriend is also on the autism spectrum.  If so, blunt honesty often runs hand in hand with ASD.  

[SumGuy]

Just now, basil67 said:

SumGuy makes a good point.  

However I'm wondering if your girlfriend is also on the autism spectrum.  If so, blunt honesty often runs hand in hand with ASD.  

That is true.  Isn’t autism very rare in women though?

[ironpony]

Well okay, it seems that the consensus on her is that she was just trying to give me criticism.  However, what about all the other times she embarrassed me in front of the same friend that I mentioned?  Does this time not count as the same problem, cause this time it was with the script, so it's different this time, compared to the others?

To answer the question if she is on the autism spectrum, I don't know.

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

That is true.  Isn’t autism very rare in women though?

It's not rare, it's under diagnosed.  Women present differently to men and the most common criteria tends to discuss male presentation.    Things are a changing on that front though.

[SumGuy]

If this is repeated behavior after conversations where you express how it is not helpful and in fact hurtful, it’s not criticism...it’s intended to rain on your parade in my book, it’s meant to undermine you and lessen you in public.  
 

barring autism or such
 

Ones boyfriend or girlfriend should have your back in my book.   It’s a deal breaker for me if they don’t.  
 

Does she feel you doing a film is foolish? Is this her way to stop you?

Edited February 8, 2020 by SumGuy

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Well okay, it seems that the consensus on her is that she was just trying to give me criticism.  However, what about all the other times she embarrassed me in front of the same friend that I mentioned?  Does this time not count as the same problem, cause this time it was with the script, so it's different this time, compared to the others?

With regards to the other issues, the general consensus was that you care too much about what the other friend thinks and that your complaints were petty.   This is further complicated if your girlfriend is on the spectrum and doesn't get the social cues you'd like her to

Edited February 8, 2020 by basil67
clarity

[ironpony]

I felt that she had my back most of the time, but she has been acting irritable lately it seems.

Well there is one thing about the script in particular that she embarrassed me about.  The script deals with a villain that is a group of serial rapists, and the police trying to find the villains and catch them.  Now when I say that, I wrote it so that none of the crimes are actually shown in graphic detail, and I tried to write it as mature and tastefully as a I could.  I am not trying to be exploitative at all.  Now I didn't tell my friend about the script yet, cause the subject matter is awkward to bring up and should be brought up in a careful way, if that makes sense.   I really didn't think she would be the type that would want to read that kind of story, at least not until it was more polished anyway.

So when my gf tells my friend about the script, she says in a frustrated way "It's about a bunch of rapes, can you believe it".  So I feel like by her phrasing it that way, that she was making the story sound worse than it was by her phrasing... and her phrasing it like that really embarrassed me cause it freaked my friend out and she was then acting akward towards me the rest of the night after that.  I thought well I could try to explain that it's about a lot more than just that, but I thought it may make it worse, if my gf were to comment again maybe, or maybe the hole was already dug by her.

So do you think that my gf should have brought this up in that type of wording and tone to my friend, out of randomness like that?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[SumGuy]

Hate to say it sounds like your girlfriend is disgusted by it.  
 

Certainly not my cup of tea (I’d never see it) yet I don’t assume because a person writes horror or dramas about violent crime they are necessarily disturbed.  Seems like your gf and friend think otherwise.  

[ironpony]

Yeah and if she is disgusted by it that's fine, but why did she have to bring it up in front of my friend, like she is trying to creep her out or make her feel awkward about it, and also by bringing it up with such a frustrated, irritated tone, like she was holding it in, and just chose to let it all out now in front of her?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[Ellener]

45 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Isn’t autism very rare in women though?

3 to 1 ratio males to females.

31 minutes ago, ironpony said:

when my gf tells my friend about the script, she says in a frustrated way "It's about a bunch of rapes, can you believe it". 

I think a lot of people don't find this topic of entertainment value @ironpony A few years ago a friend gave me his first novel to read and it was very good except an awful bit where a girl was captured and tortured and raped by a gang; I thought it superfluous and spoiling the book and so did the publishers who rejected it, then another friend who read it later. I never did understand why he thought it important to that novel. Maybe that's what your girlfriend means too.

Sometimes I have watched the tv series Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, where such topics are researched and covered well, but in general I'd rather not watch or read anything explicitly violent.

 

 

[ironpony]

Oh okay, well I didn't think I really pushed the boundaries any further than Law and Order necessarily.  But I am not bothered by what my gf thinks of the script.  I am bothered by that she had to go off an a random tangent about it, with an irritated tone to my friend about it and try to drag my friend into why she was irritated.  That's what really bothers me and embarrassed me.

So on the mentioning of the autism, are you saying maybe I should try to see it from that point of view and maybe cut her some slack then, if she is?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[ccas93]

I agree with you OP. I would be really put off. Someone saying something like that could potentially just break the relationship for me. I could put up with that kind of talk from a lifelong friend or a family member, or maybe my cranky wife after 40 years of marriage. But if she doesn't genuinely support you in your endeavors and trying to cast you in that kind of light, then you might want to rethink things. 

I know very little about her other than what you said, but she doesn't sound very sophisticated either, judging by those comments.

Edited February 8, 2020 by ccas93

[ironpony]

Well I think she does support me and what I want to do, I think, it's just she really hated the script and felt she had to really had to emphasize it in front of my friend.  But having said, would you still be really put off by it?  Cause I feel that after all these other embarrassing moments with the same friend, and now this one, I feel like the relationship is on real thin ice for me now, or maybe I just need to cool off and I am over-reacting, if the relationship has mostly been good otherwise from these embarrassing moments here and there?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[Noproblem]

I think what she did is horrible which shows she is a bad person.. Sorry, say she is nice or whatever, but she is a  bad person who will live on putting you down and making fun of you. She will feel more important by making you less and feeling she is more.

She made fun of your precious dreams and not just between you and her, but in front of others as well. 
This will only get worse as your relationship progresses! 

I think there are professional editors out there who will know better if your story sucks or not..

So, don't rely on close people to read it.

 

Edited February 8, 2020 by Noproblem

[ironpony]

Oh okay, and just to be clear I have no problem if she hates my script, and that is totally fine.  It was just the way she randomly brought it up in front of a friend, in such an irritated way, which was the complete wrong way to bring it up I thought.

Another thing is, before me and my gf and my friend were out to eat, me and her went to go pick up my friend.  On the way, it seems like my gf was bothered by something so I asked, and she said nothing but I knew something was up.  I said it's okay tell me, and she said that things I have been doing have been irritating her lately, such as not being able to remember things here and there, but I have had some insomnia issues recently that has effected my memory.  I didn't think it should be something for her to be irritated by.  But before the conversation could go further, we arrived at my friends house and she got in the car.  We then went to go to eat at the restaurant, and that is when my gf brought it up, how much she can't stand the script and how the content bothers, about halfway through the dinner.

So could she be acting like this, cause maybe she is bothered by my memory shortcomings lately, perhaps or maybe something else is bothering her entirely?

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony

[Ellener]

36 minutes ago, ironpony said:

So on the mentioning of the autism, are you saying maybe I should try to see it from that point of view and maybe cut her some slack then, if she is?

I don't know, I imagine if she's autistic there would be other cues but apparently it presents differently in women, who are socialised differently than men in most cultures, ie. it's not as obvious. Has she embarrassed you a lot with outspoken or unsupportive opinions?

[ironpony]

I don't know if she has embarrassed me with opinions specifically, but she has before in the other times that I posted in the OP, when I posted the link to when I mentioned the other times before on here.

Edited February 8, 2020 by ironpony