Confused and Lost Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 Hi All, I am new to the forum and I thought that I would drop this new thread and see how everyone responds because honestly I need some good advice... Well, I am 24 years old and I started dating my girlfriend to date for about 10 months. I met her about 2 weeks after my ex girlfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me. Today I catch myself with the same girl I started dating several weeks after my ex and I. Our relationship is healthy, we never fight, and she would do anything for me, but unfortunately my heart just isn't all into it like her's is and here is my reasoning to why it might not be all into it. I dated this girl that I had known for 4 years for 2 1/2 years. She split up with me because she said that she just didn't want to be smothered and wanted to be able to hang out with her girlfriends and go out without having to worry about what me. I moved 300 miles to be with her and to start a new lifestyle so i could get my life back on track so I didnt have hardly any friends. The people I considered friends were people that she was already friends with, and so it felt weird to hang with them without her. Therefore I didn't go out that much, and she felt sorry for me so she didnt go out much either. Anwayz, this girl and i knew we were one another's soul mates but in the end we were nothing. She started dating another guy not even a month after we split up and I know for a fact they are still together. She met him through college. I also started dating another girl several weeks later. I didn't think it would turn into anything serious but it has and we are now living together. The problem though is that I don't feel for this girl like I did my ex, and i still catch myself dreaming about my ex at night and thinking about her during the day. I hate this feeling. My g/f as of now is going through some hard times b/c her mother has bone cancer, and cancer in the brain along w/ a brain tumor. Her mother is only 43 but she is a strong women who is very independent and not afraid of death. My g/f also is very strong and she hides the pain a lot but at times she will mention that her mom is not going to be around to see her grandkids, or be here when she gets married and buys a house and all of that. I love my g/f very much but it's not that type of love. I don't know if I need to wait it out and see what happens or if this is something that I should be worried about. The girl does wonders for me. I have never had someone do so much for me as a person. My ex did so much for me but her family contributed. I am Confused and Lost hence the name. I miss my family, and friends, and my ex, but I care so much about my g/f that I just hope my heart will finally give in to her. I know you can't force yourself to love someone because I have tried and it just does not work. So if anyone has any advice it would all be welcomed. Oh yeah, to top it all off I finally gained one good guy friend here that I can trust and does not want to go out drinking all the time. Within the 3 years that I have lived here he's the only one and now he is moving to California for a fresh start. Sorry if this bored anyone but all comments are appreciated.
brittanyjean259 Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 Its natural to miss your ex, your story seems kind of like a flipped flopped version of mine!, i was dating some for 3 years broke it off with them and they started dating some one else quick( this girl happens to have cervical cancer) but i have no pity for her...ohhh it hurts hurts hurts but ne way I think right now you shouldent worry about your ex,i think maybe you did go out with this girl way too soon after your relationship...and no you cant make your self love someone but your with her and helping her out....i think it is fair that you let her know your true feelings...bc you might meet some one eventually who you fallin love with ! but stay away from the ex...right now i think your hanging in there i hate this feeling too...the memories and everything its very difficult to move on and i dont see how im going to go through it but stuff happens to the best of us is that any help?!
Author Confused and Lost Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 Thanks for taking the time for reading my situation and replying to it. You were the only one of many that actually responded, so again i thank you for that. Yes, your post does help some. There actually is a lot more involved in all of this but the post was long as is so I didn't want to get into to much detail. Anyways, my g/f now has went through my belongings and found my pictures and all the memories of my ex, and she got upset about them. They were stashed away and she searched the spare bedroom where all my things are while I was at work. I came home and she was all emotional but wouldn't tell me what was wrong. She finally came out and told me, and I didn't know what to say. I just left her presence and she left to go drive around or whatever. So, I was pretty upset that she would search through my things. We did end up talking and she told me that she wanted to see why my ex offered me that she couldnt. I told her all of my feelings about how i feel about my ex. I told her that it was not fair of her to compare herself to her because there were more things involved then just the girl by herself. I told my g/f that my ex's family alone held a lot of great memories. I also told her that I still care about my ex but I am in a relationship with her now. I told her that I love her, but I don't love her as much as she loved me. I told her that the more we were together the more I would think my heart would bend in her direction. She happend to be sort of upset about that but she accepted it. Things between her and I are fine now, and I don't want to tell her about the dreams or thoughts that I have about my ex b/c I just don't think that is something I could bring myself to share with her...
brittanyjean259 Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 YEAH you defently dont want your new girlfriend to try to be like your old. that must be a difficult situtation..dreams are the worst...every day ive had dreams and i wake up like wow..the weridest ache..it sucks.. do you still talk to your ex? dreams are defently meen alot.. just be truthful with your new girlfriend she seems to be in to you more than your in to her...like you care for her but you know not in that special type of way! 10 months is a long time dont you think youd bend her way now? i go through searches of new posts and see where people have like 0 replys and you can tell these are always the long ones! your situation seemed familar to mind in a werid flip flop way but good luck keep updating i will help out the best i nkow how
Author Confused and Lost Posted October 7, 2005 Author Posted October 7, 2005 I don't know when my heart would actually start to bend her way, ya know? I mean I can't force it to go one way or another. I think it is slightly bending in her direction but at the same time I just don't know what I want at this time. It's not fair to her and I am not good with break ups. Actually, I only broke up w/ 1 girl but that was 8 years ago. When I think about breaking up with her or whatever I just start thinkin about what she is going to do, and it hurts me just thinkin about her roaming around her place without me there. I don't know what to do. I guess I am just soft...lol I dont know
brittanyjean259 Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 yes i know, but i doubt your heart will bend her way reasons being because you went out with her too soon( not being over your ex)..witch says it will be hard for you to be in love with her... i think if she didnt have all these problems you would have broken up with her...and i know it hurts you to hurt her.. but you cant hurt her any more by staying with her.. let her know you will always be there as a friend? does that sound help ful is she in love with you?
Kengne Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 Hey hun! Welcome to the board. I decided I should reply to your post because it rang a bell within me somewhere. First off - no, you cannot make your heart 'bend' to someone. You either do or don'f 'fall in love' with the person. I personally think you got involved with your new g/f a lil too soon after your breakup w your ex, esp given that you were the dumpee (it doesn't sound like you wanted things to end with her, so you prolly were and maybe are? still in love with your ex). This is what ppl talk about when they talk about rebound rel'ships. Are you still in love with your ex? You mention in your post that you care about her alot, and dream about her etc.. but are you still IN LOVE with her? Or are you just nostalgic for the times gone by with her? In any case - it's clear that you are not IN love with your current g/f, and that's the troublesome part. Because if she loves you more than you love her, and / or is IN love with you -> your rel'ship is unbalanced and unlikely to be fulfilling for either of you. Don't you deserve more? Better yet, doesn't SHE deserve more? You say you don't want to break up with her or hurt her feelings, but in the long run she'll be hurt more if you continue to stay in the rel'ship in the hope that one day your heart will 'bend' her way. You've already taken the first step (albeit unwillingly) by telling her how you felt when she went through your stuff and found all the momentos. She now knows how you feel, so really the ball is in her court if she sticks with you in the hope that your feelings will change and/or deepen. IMO, I would not stay in that sort of rel'ship because life is too short to wait around. If I loved someone and the feeling was unreciprocated, I would thank them for being honest with me and move on to someone who would love me the way I want to be loved. And if I was in your shoes -> I'd also move on to find someone who inspired that 'IN love' feeling in me. Why settle for just lukewarm, when you can have hot? Take care! K.
brittanyjean259 Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 she is exactly right! more of a brighter post id say... you seem like a good inspriation cheak out my thread on friends i really need advice there! thanks haha she is right though, we all get hurt in life...you would be hurting her more....but atleast you have a heart and can care about how she is going to feel
honeybun Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 I can kinda relate to your situation but from the oposite end. i started seeing my guy after his break up w/ his g-friend of 5 years!!! i know he loves me, but i'm different then what he's used to. He wants to let me in but is scared and doesn't know if its "right". I've done alot to try to help him through it..im still trying too! Listen to your heart, if you have doubts or can't let her in..then it was just to soon for you. Of course you care about her but you can't give her the emotional part that she needs to actually feel satisfied. It isn't fair to you because you think your a bad person for not loving her. Your not though. And it isn't fair to her because she's giving you her heart when you can't return her. Trust me...it hurts and you have to figure out..is it worth seeing if you'r love can grow? or should you take the time to fully heal and move on before you hurt her later?
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