weiweichicken69 Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 My partner (34M) and I (29F) have been together for 8 months. I first thought he was a great catch: polite, considerate, a great dancer, has a good paying job, goes to the gym somewhat regularly, capitalizes his sentences when texting, and had no issues with me being bi. I was initially attracted to him because of his positive qualities, but it wasn't the "butterfly in my stomach" sort of intensity that I've had with previous partners. I chose him in part because he checks off all the right boxes, didn't have any deal breakers, and time flew by when we were together. But after we got together and I got to know him, he showed me more of his real self and red flags started popping up. He wasn't okay with me seeing my guy friends by myself, passed of jealous comments as jokes, and always asked if anyone flirted with me after I had a night of partying with my friends. I later realized that he has been cheated on by an ex, his relationship with family and exes weren't the best, and doesn't feel appreciated at work. All of this made me feel like he was insecure because he said that he was afraid I was going to leave him for someone else, is pretty clingy, is emotionally sensitive, and called himself a jealous partner. Him being that way made me feel like he doesn't trust me even though he says he does, and I feel like I can't hangout with close friends just cause they're dudes! It was really hard to get him to admit his insecurities, because he would turn it around on me and make it about me to avoid talking about himself, but he finally has. He knows that his past relationships have made him insecure, and said that liking me so much makes him more insecure. I know that love doesn't make someone insecure, and I don't think I have done anything to make him insecure. I always text him where I'll be at and with whom, and only hang out with guy friends in a group in order to be mindful of his feelings. I always feel like I have to be the better person about handling my feelings, being understanding about his feelings, and calming down the situation when we fight. I feel like his mom in that I have to soothe him and can't just say "F*** YOU and storm off because I know that would make the situation worse. He is emotionally reactive when I say something that makes him feel insecure, so I always have to be so mindful of what I say and how it comes off. I've thought about cheating on him 4 months into the relationship when all the red flags popped up, but my morals would never allow me to. I don't think about cheating on him anymore, but rather wonder whether this relationship is worth it. I am attracted to guys and girls, and would like to have an open relationship to explore my sexuality: casual relationship with a girl in addition to being with him seriously. He has previously stated he wouldn't mind seeing me make out with a girl, but that's different from having a casual relationship with a girl and I don't know how his jealousy would come into play. After I told my older brother about what's going on, he told me I should give it a year to see if there is any positive change in our relationship, and maybe I can ask my partner about the open relationship then. What do you all think? Our relationship has gotten better in that he has admitted his insecurities while he initially refused to, is now open to me hanging with guy friends one on one if he knows and trusts them, and open to negotiating so we both are satisfied (because we would just have most things his way before). He has the potential to change, but I feel like all this work in helping him feel secure is weighing me down and emotionally tiring me out. He also could just be this way and this is as good as I'm going to get. Why am I trying to so hard to change him when I know some people don't change? Alternatively I can find someone who is confident in themselves and show that they trust me and it's not just empty words. I want to get that from him, but I don't know if I'll be able to because I'm not getting that now. I'm not getting any younger, should I continue investing in this relationship?
Mystery4u Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 Sounds like you both want different things - you want an open casual relationship with more than one person, while he wants a committed relationship with just you (as I would too, sharing is just not cool). Insecurities aside it doesn't seem like you are the best match. As for his insecurities that's something that he needs to want to work on himself. He needs to want to change. It definitely is possible, just depends how patient you are. It's only been 8 months so I guess not that much. Overall though everything is pointing towards going. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 If you already are in an official relationship but still having the desire to "explore your sexuality", then I suggest you end it for your (and his) own good. The red flags in this so-called relationship are EVERYWHERE, not just from his side. I am attracted to guys and girls, and would like to have an open relationship to explore my sexuality: casual relationship with a girl in addition to being with him seriously 1
Piddy Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 This doesn't sound like it will work in the long run. You both want different things. You're right in thinking you can't change someone. You want an open relationship, he doesn't etc.. Sounds like you're not really happy. You shouldn't have to work that hard to make a relationship work. 1
chillii Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) lf you've even got those so called morals wth would u even be thinking of cheating on him and, after only 4 mths to boot, and why would you cheat rather than split up, unbelievable . So he's no idiot worrying about you then that's for sure and your talking about other guys and women and an open relationship too, then why are you even with him.. Also everything you say about him is just a silly checklist , there's nothing , about HIM, nothing real or love . l think you should just do him a favor and split up your the wrong woman for him and he's def' the wrong man for you. Why didn't you lay your cards on the table when you first met ? So he could know who he would really be getting involved with because l'll guarantee that would not be what he was looking for. He might have a few things but tell ya what so have you. Edited February 7, 2020 by chillii 1
Baman Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 read your opening post to yourself the answers are all in it. RUN. FAST. NOW
ExpatInItaly Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 You two are fundamentally incompatible, on a number of important levels. And if you think an insecure and jealous guy is going to agree to an open relationship after he's gotten even more attached to you, you're kidding nobody but yourself. There is very little chance of this relationship working out the way you hope. I would end it now.
Malin889 Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 Why would you want to cheat on him, why not just leave? It won’t get better, you both want different things, go get that open relationship you want and let him find someone else he’s more compatible with. Staying together is selfish. 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 Most people do not want an open relationship. You should not be hanging out one-on-one with a guy friend (if you want to keep this guy). It can look like a date and would make most people jelous. You don't sound like the monogamous type to me. Most people, particularity when they are in love, want monogamy (less young people). So, you might have a very shallow dating pool. But, if you are a young, beautiful woman, that pool might not be so shallow! I'm just telling it like it is! Yeah, I don't really think this guy is your speed.
smackie9 Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 OK so you come here because you want some justification to leave, even tho things got a little better....I say leave because you are not that happy about this relationship and sounds like you were kinda lukewarm to your previous ones too. Keep looking and stop wasting his time.
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