I was blown off before the first date, and it really stung. Did I do anything wrong?

[smackie9]

I know what happened...you put her on the spot. Some women don't like to reject people in person so they go along with saying yes...cruel yes but it happens. They reject you when they are at a safe distance. They can say they are busy. She didn't offer because she isn't interested and it should have been left at that. When you hear, I'm busy, work just got crazy, family issues, have to leave town unexpectedly, blah blah blah, it's their way of saying they are not interested. Who knows maybe she's not single at all and just enjoyed being macked on by another guy. It's all bull $itty stuff, just learn from it and move on.

[Fletch Lives]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I know what happened...you put her on the spot. Some women don't like to reject people in person so they go along with saying yes...cruel yes but it happens. They reject you when they are at a safe distance. They can say they are busy. She didn't offer because she isn't interested and it should have been left at that. When you hear, I'm busy, work just got crazy, family issues, have to leave town unexpectedly, blah blah blah, it's their way of saying they are not interested

 - This is very true, many women can't say the word "no" to a man. You just have to learn to read them with your gut feelings - their actions are more important than their words, and ultimately tell the tale.

[preraph]

Everybody is different what rings their bell, and it doesn't always have anything to do with you, but just their personal preferences which are developed over their entire lifetime. 

 

I'm sorry you stuck your neck out and got rejected. Believe me it has happened to every one of us, both male and female. You cannot take it that personally unless there is a series of common reasons that it keeps happening. I mean there are people who literally only like someone with blue eyes brunette hair or long hair or short hair. There are people who play eventually only fall for someone who reminds them of their uncle or their dad or their favorite school teacher. 

 

Trust me it is not all about you unless it becomes obvious you are being rejected for the same reason over and over. 

 

Next. 

[xxgreen20]

11 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Any number of things could be at play here.
BUT one thing I thought of.
You met her at  a museum then essentially followed her home on the train.
That may have been seen as a red flag to her or her family/friends as a safety issue in the cold light of day. 
I know your intentions were honourable, but it could be seen as some strange man targeting a lone girl...
She got scared and bailed.

One thing I should have included, but didn’t since I was trying to keep the situation anonymous (if she ever came across it) that this trip was sponsored by our residence hall at college.  Therefore, the RA’s who organized the trip and the residents who were attending all traveled to the museum together, but on the way back, everyone went their separate ways.  She and I happened to be talking when everyone parted, and we naturally went together-in fact, she even said “Do you want to take the bus back or the train?”  I’m sorry I didn’t include this, but I was simply trying to keep the situation relatively anonymous while still getting my point across.  If we happened to meet at a public place for the first time, I’d obviously never travel back with her unless she asked me to.  

[Ruby Slippers]

You didn't do anything wrong. She simply isn't interested, but was enjoying the attention for a while.

I agree that the best next step is to delete her number and move on.

[xxgreen20]

38 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You didn't do anything wrong. She simply isn't interested, but was enjoying the attention for a while.

I agree that the best next step is to delete her number and move on.

@Ruby Slippers it sucks hard but that’s all been done.  Thanks for the advice anyway.

[Noproblem]

A similar story happened to my sister in the museum

She met a guy on the bus trip to the museum,  spent the whole day walking with him and having a great chat and stuff. 

He wanted her to add him on Facebook, she sent him and a request on FB

and to this day

He

Never

accepted her Friend request lol

Weird

but

he has a gf, so could be the same reason for your girl!

People are weird, why would you want someone to text you or Friend request you if you never intend to have them in your life as friends or more!  

 

Edited February 8, 2020 by Noproblem

[xxgreen20]

10 hours ago, Noproblem said:

A similar story happened to my sister in the museum

She met a guy on the bus trip to the museum,  spent the whole day walking with him and having a great chat and stuff. 

He wanted her to add him on Facebook, she sent him and a request on FB

and to this day

He

Never

accepted her Friend request lol

Weird

but

he has a gf, so could be the same reason for your girl!

People are weird, why would you want someone to text you or Friend request you if you never intend to have them in your life as friends or more!  

 

People are very weird, and I’ve learned that a lot in my 22 years.

[kendahke]

On 2/6/2020 at 10:48 PM, xxgreen20 said:

I am just trying to understand the overall situation and what I did wrong, if anything.

No, you didn't do anything wrong.  You just misread her interest. She sounded like she was being nice to a stranger, but upon further reflection, decided it wasn't in her best interests to lead you on by going out with you.

[The Outlaw]

Count it as a loss and move on. If she were truly interested, she'd work you in somehow without resorting to the 'I'm busy' nonsense. I wouldn't send her another text. 

[HappySenior]

On 2/7/2020 at 4:18 AM, ccas93 said:

I'm starting to avoid people who are self-proclaimed "busy people" from my personal experience with them, I believe most of the time, they are just uncomfortable, avoidant people who just want a card for them to pull out of their back pocket when they want to disappear. 

I guarantee she's no more busy than you, or I, or any other working adult in this country. 

"Next" the ones who act put on this act that they must be working 20 hours a day with 8 kids, and they are JUST fitting you into their enormously, busy, tightly-packed schedule. Just a life so full of stuff that busy people do, esp important errands and best friend dates with their precious few spare hours from their incredibly "hectic" job (that's just apparently so much worse than everyone else's). 

As a part-time introvert, I'd like to explain something. I'm retired, but have something to go to with my senior friends five days a week and church on Sunday. Yes, that leaves a lot of time. However, the whole process of getting dressed up, remembering stuff to bring or errands to run afterward, taking care of my pets... leaves me exhausted. In addition I have all kinds of projects running at home and multiple hobbies.  I am busy, yes, but part of it is I need a lot of "down" time. Saturdays are "recovery" days from the week in which I can do what I want, with no obligations. 

When and IF I start dating (I hope I won't ever have to go back on online sites again), I will likely have trouble setting aside time in the beginning. And every once in a while, I am hit with a small disturbance in which I cry my eyes out for no reason. All this would be livable with someone I know well; but when I am striving to make a good impression I'd want to be at my best. 

That means; no crying jags the night before, no sudden irritable colon, pre-planned clothes to wear, and no problems with the car or weather.
If I ever cancel, it will probably mean nothing about the person I had planned to see. At least not on the first date.

I'm eccentric. But I've learned to live with me that way. Not time yet to find out if someone else can.
(I'm not altogether sure there is anyone within reach of me that I can live with either.)

I just tell people I am "very busy" because my psyche and soul can't handle more than I am doing now, without sacrificing things that mean a lot to me. I normally don't explain all of the above, if someone asks me to go out. It's a matter of personal energy and I know people with lots of it do not understand those of us who don't have much.

 

 

Edited February 8, 2020 by HappySenior

[xxgreen20]

8 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

Count it as a loss and move on. If she were truly interested, she'd work you in somehow without resorting to the 'I'm busy' nonsense. I wouldn't send her another text. 

 Nope, I’ve deleted her number and the entire conversation from my messages and unfollowed her on social media, so even if I wanted to reach out again I couldn’t.  It still hurts to reminisce about the connection we seemed to make at the museum last week, but it clearly wasn’t meant to be.  

Edited February 9, 2020 by xxgreen20

[The Outlaw]

7 hours ago, xxgreen20 said:

 Nope, I’ve deleted her number and the entire conversation from my messages and unfollowed her on social media, so even if I wanted to reach out again I couldn’t.  It still hurts to reminisce about the connection we seemed to make at the museum last week, but it clearly wasn’t meant to be.  

That's how I handled a situation not so dissimilar to your own a few years ago. We went out on a few good dates, then without warning, she was always 'busy' despite the awesome chemistry we seemed to have had. I suspect she was seeing someone else. But she likely wasn't serious anyway, and even though it hurt like hell, it was for the best. 

[Gaeta]

On 2/6/2020 at 10:48 PM, xxgreen20 said:

Since setting up the date last Monday, we had not talked at all, but I thought this was ok.  I figured we had already talked for a few hours at the museum, and we’d talk more on the date. 

I knew she was initially interested because she enthusiastically told me to text her when we parted ways last week,

She enthusiastically told you to text her and you didn't. Even thought she gave you the guideline of what she expected from you YOU decided to do the contrary, because you judged it was better to do as you see fit than to just follow what she suggested. 

Many, many women feel a man that doesn't take time to contact us between dates isn't THAT interested in getting to know us and is just going through the motion with dating. 

Edited February 9, 2020 by Gaeta

[xxgreen20]

On 2/9/2020 at 10:20 AM, Gaeta said:

She enthusiastically told you to text her and you didn't. Even thought she gave you the guideline of what she expected from you YOU decided to do the contrary, because you judged it was better to do as you see fit than to just follow what she suggested. 

Many, many women feel a man that doesn't take time to contact us between dates isn't THAT interested in getting to know us and is just going through the motion with dating. 

She enthusiastically told me to text her, which I DID to set up the date.  I texted her immediately the next day to set it up and we did. 

Edited February 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed rude remark

[schlumpy]

The next time this happens to you don't ask them out to dinner first off. Do something lighter that doesn't take much preparation and try to make it close to where they live. 

[Zippy2000]

On ‎2‎/‎7‎/‎2020 at 9:34 AM, Mystery4u said:

You didn't do anything wrong, in fact you did exactly what you should have done. There can be a number of reasons why she cancelled. The reason really doesn't matter though as it makes no difference to the outcome - she's not going out with you.

One time I met a girl through a mutual friend, and we hit it off so good, so much in common and was giving me all the 'interested' signs so I asked her out. At first she declined but said would let me know a different day. She never did. Talked to the mutual friend, who she told about me asking her out. She told them the reason she declined is because she recently started seeing someone else before I asked her out and while they were still early days it wouldn't be right. So in that sense it definitely wasn't the right 'timing' for us to go out. Did I care? Hell no, I got another girl I'm seeing anyway. If in future her situation changes and she contacts me to go out then I will see what my situation is. Until then I'm not even thinking about her.

" At first she declined but said would let me know a different day. She never did."!??    If she respected you, then should would have told you straight off the bat to say she was seeing someone.  The very fact she left you hanging wasn't very respectful towards your time and feelings.   Some people cant say "no" in case they hurt your feelings.

Good on you for finding someone new.

[xxgreen20]

On 2/10/2020 at 7:15 AM, schlumpy said:

The next time this happens to you don't ask them out to dinner first off. Do something lighter that doesn't take much preparation and try to make it close to where they live. 

There was nothing else to do by our school (close to where she lives also) besides dinner.  It’s not a typical college town.  I would normally think a drink was a better first date, but the only bars in the town are not the type of place you sit and have a quiet drink.  They’re wild party bars.  It’s too cold to do anything outdoors, and I didn’t want to make her commute by train (30 mins or more) to a bar downtown with me, since we hadn’t known each other that long and in case the date didn’t go well.  I’m still thinking about her though-can’t believe I was so close to finally meeting someone great and it fell apart.

Edited February 12, 2020 by xxgreen20