I was blown off before the first date, and it really stung. Did I do anything wrong?

February 7, 2020

Last week, I met a girl at a museum, and we hit it off and after a few hours of talking and traveling home on the train together (since we lived in the same neighborhood and wanted to talk more), I asked her out for dinner for this past Tuesday. I know for a fact that she is an extremely busy person, and she told me that Tuesday did not work for her and we rescheduled for tomorrow night. Since setting up the date last Monday, we had not talked at all, but I thought this was ok. I figured we had already talked for a few hours at the museum, and we’d talk more on the date.

Unfortunately, things took a wrong turn today. I was going to text her today to confirm our meeting time and place that we initially agreed on, but before I could do that, I got a long-winded text from her saying that she is sorry, but she is really busy right now, and while she appreciated my invitation, it was not convenient for her at this time and she wouldn’t be able to do it. She did not offer an alternative day at all. I texted her back saying no problem and asked her if she was available at all next week (because what did I have to lose at this point?) but that wound up being a moot point, because she never responded again. So now I am officially counting it as a loss. I knew she was initially interested because she enthusiastically told me to text her when we parted ways last week, and when I asked her out for Tuesday, she was busy but suggested an alternate day on her own. This time, she cancelled out of nowhere and did not do that.

I am just trying to understand the overall situation and what I did wrong, if anything. We couldn’t go out last week because she was busy as well, but we planned it concretely for this week. We didn’t talk at all after planning the date until today, but plenty of people don’t talk before the first date. That’s the whole point of the date, and we had already talked a lot and connected on the night that we met. I am just curious as to what I could’ve done wrong in this situation, or if she just changed her mind for whatever reason. Girls, I would really appreciate your input here. I’m trying not to let it get me down because we had only met one time, but it’s the first time in a while I had connected and had so much in common with somebody like this, so I can’t help feeling disappointed.

February 7, 2020

Based on this information you can't say whether you did anything right or wrong. I'm sorry she did this but just assume it wasn't meant to be and just move on.

Have 2 hilarious examples to give you on being blown off :

1) Jock - We'd actually been out on 2 or 3 dates, met him online (think it was POF). We hadn't done IT or anything close and I figured the next date would be kind of the acid test. He didn't show up. An hour after he was supposed to be there I called him, he answered and said he f***ed up and he was at a bar with some friends. I didn't know what to say except "Alright..." then I decided after that he could call me to make it up / rearrange. And never heard a word again.

Another time I was supposed to have an OLD with someone (we met on Facebook chat) and we were to meet somewhere. He called an hour before and said he had to cancel because his father was sick and had to go to the hospital. He said he'd rain check for next weekend. I said ok. We arranged to go out that Saturday and I never heard from him until Sunday morning when he texted me he fell asleep and woke up and didn't have my number. I texted him back where he could go with that.

Losers. Move on.

February 7, 2020

@mortensorchid I don’t know how some people live with themselves with the things they do. What almost pisses me off more than the cancellation itself is that “my invitation wasn’t convenient for her at this time.” I’m sorry that I got in the way of your “busy” lifestyle by thinking you were charming and cute and asking you out on a date because I thought I saw a connection between us. You’re right-losers.

February 7, 2020

1. So far so good. You asked her out right on the spot. That's good.

Quote

Last week, I met a girl at a museum, and we hit it off and after a few hours of talking and traveling home on the train together (since we lived in the same neighborhood and wanted to talk more), I asked her out for dinner for this past Tuesday.

2. So far still so good.

Quote

I know for a fact that she is an extremely busy person, and she told me that Tuesday did not work for her and we rescheduled for tomorrow night. Since setting up the date last Monday, we had not talked at all, but I thought this was ok. I figured we had already talked for a few hours at the museum, and we’d talk more on the date.

3. This is WRONG. You simply DO NOT TEXT between fixed dates, unless the other person keeps texting you, that's when you have to briefly reply.

Quote

I was going to text her today to confirm our meeting time and place that we initially agreed on,

4. Well, nobody is ever too busy to make time for you, that's a fact. Even the President of the United States is not that busy when it comes to spending time with people he loves and cares about. If a person wants to spend time with you, they will do it, no matter how "busy" they really are.

So in this case, her actions speak louder than her words: She lost attraction for you and likely doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore. At least she said sorry.

Quote

but before I could do that, I got a long-winded text from her saying that she is sorry, but she is really busy right now, and while she appreciated my invitation, it was not convenient for her at this time and she wouldn’t be able to do it.

5. Yes, why would she offer an alternative day when she doesn't want to have anything to to with you anymore?

Quote

She did not offer an alternative day at all.

6. The correct respond in this situation is only ONE as followed: "No problems. Let me know when we can meetup. Take care." and then you delete her number, go out and date other women. By trying to beg for another date, you are communicating that you are needy and clingy. Yes of course she didn't respond.

Quote

I texted her back saying no problem and asked her if she was available at all next week (because what did I have to lose at this point?) but that wound up being a moot point, because she neer responded again.

7. What she SAID and ACTED doesn't matter because those words and actions were simply the results of the emotions she felt right at that moment. Even if she said she LOVES you last week, it does not mean she still loves you right now. That's how women work. And you are the one who are clueless about it.

Quote

I knew she was initially interested because she enthusiastically told me to text her when we parted ways last week, and when I asked her out for Tuesday, she was busy but suggested an alternate day on her own. This time, she cancelled out of nowhere and did not do that.

8. don't worry about if you did anything wrong, because it doesn't have to be always about you. That's life. People come, people go. When people go, it doesn't neccessarily have to be your wrongdoings.

Quote

I am just trying to understand the overall situation and what I did wrong, if anything.

Edited February 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 7, 2020

25 minutes ago, xxgreen20 said:

@mortensorchid I don’t know how some people live with themselves with the things they do. What almost pisses me off more than the cancellation itself is that “my invitation wasn’t convenient for her at this time.” I’m sorry that I got in the way of your “busy” lifestyle by thinking you were charming and cute and asking you out on a date because I thought I saw a connection between us. You’re right-losers.

Getting butt-hurt like this will get you nowhere.

People don't owe you anything. You offered an invitation, she initially agreed, but still she had the right to change her mind even at the last minute.

A mature and well-centered man would just accept it and move on. Because he would be too busy spending time with other high-quality women in his list to get butt-hurt about one particular woman anyway.

February 7, 2020

7 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said:

1. So far so good. You asked her out right on the spot. That's good.

2. So far still so good.

3. This is WRONG. You simply DO NOT TEXT between fixed dates, unless the other person keeps texting you, that's when you have to briefly reply.

4. Well, nobody is ever too busy to make time for you, that's a fact. Even the President of the United States is not that busy when it comes to spending time with people he loves and cares about. If a person wants to spend time with you, they will do it, no matter how "busy" they really are.

So in this case, her actions speak louder than her words: She lost attraction for you and likely doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore. At least she said sorry.

5. Yes, why would she offer an alternative day when she doesn't want to have anything to to with you anymore?

6. The correct respond in this situation is only ONE as followed: "No problems. Let me know when we can meetup. Take care." and then you delete her number, go out and date other women. By trying to beg for another date, you are communicating that you are needy and clingy. Yes of course she didn't respond.

7. What she SAID and ACTED doesn't matter because those words and actions were simply the results of the emotions she felt right at that moment. Even if she said she LOVES you last week, it does not mean she still loves you right now. That's how women work. And you are the one who are clueless about it.

8. With an average IQ, you'd understand the reason WHY by now. And don't worry about if you did anything wrong, because it doesn't have to be always about you. That's life. People come, people go. When people go, it doesn't neccessarily have to be your wrongdoings.

@thaygiaogiang you misunderstood me. I said I asked her out on Sunday when we met. On Monday, we ironed out some details for the date (I initiated the conversation) and that was all we did. No small talk at all. Then, we did not talk at all again after making the plans on Monday, until today when she texted me to cancel.

Edited February 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 7, 2020

I suspect she kind of agreed to it and wasn’t sure but then in her own time she changed her mind. That first cancellation was her bowing out hoping you’d take the hint. When you perused she prob swayed a bit then had another think. Perhaps the old thing of you liking her so much makes you think she is the same?

She changed her mind, allowed. From your account I didn’t get the idea she was ever that fussed beyond platonic to be honest and you were keeping the mini project going really. Nevermind. Wasn’t meant to be.

February 7, 2020

Don't assume you have done something wrong, OP. You don't have anywhere near enough information to conclude that.

For all you know, this woman might already have a boyfriend or be seeing someone else. She might have just gotten out of the relationship and isn't ready to date. There are plenty of reasons could be dodging this that are not directly connected to you as a person.

The only takeaway here is that this was a non-starter, and while it's frustrating, it's not a big loss.

February 7, 2020

4 hours ago, xxgreen20 said:

I’m sorry that I got in the way of your “busy” lifestyle by thinking you were charming and cute and asking you out on a date because I thought I saw a connection between us. You’re right-losers.

You did it perfectly right, but for whatever reason she can't follow up, she was obviously intrigued and she tried to let you down gently.

Calling people 'losers' ( or a jerk etc ) isn't a good way forward though.

February 7, 2020

I'm starting to avoid people who are self-proclaimed "busy people" from my personal experience with them, I believe most of the time, they are just uncomfortable, avoidant people who just want a card for them to pull out of their back pocket when they want to disappear.

I guarantee she's no more busy than you, or I, or any other working adult in this country.

"Next" the ones who act put on this act that they must be working 20 hours a day with 8 kids, and they are JUST fitting you into their enormously, busy, tightly-packed schedule. Just a life so full of stuff that busy people do, esp important errands and best friend dates with their precious few spare hours from their incredibly "hectic" job (that's just apparently so much worse than everyone else's).

February 7, 2020

You didn't do anything wrong, in fact you did exactly what you should have done. There can be a number of reasons why she cancelled. The reason really doesn't matter though as it makes no difference to the outcome - she's not going out with you.

One time I met a girl through a mutual friend, and we hit it off so good, so much in common and was giving me all the 'interested' signs so I asked her out. At first she declined but said would let me know a different day. She never did. Talked to the mutual friend, who she told about me asking her out. She told them the reason she declined is because she recently started seeing someone else before I asked her out and while they were still early days it wouldn't be right. So in that sense it definitely wasn't the right 'timing' for us to go out. Did I care? Hell no, I got another girl I'm seeing anyway. If in future her situation changes and she contacts me to go out then I will see what my situation is. Until then I'm not even thinking about her.

Edited February 7, 2020 by Mystery4u

February 7, 2020

Any number of things could be at play here.
BUT one thing I thought of.
You met her at a museum then essentially followed her home on the train.
That may have been seen as a red flag to her or her family/friends as a safety issue in the cold light of day.
I know your intentions were honourable, but it could be seen as some strange man targeting a lone girl...
She got scared and bailed.

February 7, 2020

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Any number of things could be at play here.
BUT one thing I thought of.
You met her at a museum then essentially followed her home on the train.
That may have been seen as a red flag to her or her family/friends as a safety issue in the cold light of day.
I know your intentions were honourable, but it could be seen as some strange man targeting a lone girl...
She got scared and bailed.

I second this.

Next time save the "walking her home" for at least the third date onwards. By following her home, OP communicated that he didn't have a very busy and occupied life on that day.

February 7, 2020

6 hours ago, xxgreen20 said:

@mortensorchid I don’t know how some people live with themselves with the things they do. What almost pisses me off more than the cancellation itself is that “my invitation wasn’t convenient for her at this time.” I’m sorry that I got in the way of your “busy” lifestyle by thinking you were charming and cute and asking you out on a date because I thought I saw a connection between us. You’re right-losers.

The reason why someone rejects you almost never matters because it's almost never fully honest, and you will never find out the real reason anyway. Don't get too hung up on the wording even if it feels insensitive. When someone communicates that they don't want to be with you or spend time with you, that's all you need to know. Just keep it moving.

I agree that you should not have followed her home -- that probably creeped her out a little -- but it would not have counted against you if she liked you already. I get the sense she was on the fence when you went out and eventually decided she wasn't interested. It happens.

Edited February 7, 2020 by lana-banana

February 7, 2020

This is normal in dating. It's called rejection.

Dating is a process......she decided sometime after meeting you, that she was not interested.

So find a new woman on the train to date.

Women are like trains.......there will always be another one coming soon.

Edited February 7, 2020 by Fletch Lives

February 7, 2020

7 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said:

Even if she said she LOVES you last week, it does not mean she still loves you right now. That's how women work. And you are the one who are clueless about it.

Actually, that’s not how women work. That’s how this person works. It’s not right to put all women in the same category. Most women are not so fickle. I’m a woman and have lots of women friends and relatives, and none of us “work” this way.

Edited February 7, 2020 by Malin889

February 7, 2020

53 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Actually, that’s not how women work. That’s how this person works. It’s not right to put all women in the same category. Most women are not so fickle. I’m a woman and have lots of women friends and relatives, and none of us “work” this way.

A moderator for some unknown reasons has deleted my reply. So I am going to reply to you again.

I respect the fact that you don't think women work that way. I hope you also respect my view that, to me, women do work that way.

Peace.

February 7, 2020

3 hours ago, ccas93 said:

I'm starting to avoid people who are self-proclaimed "busy people" from my personal experience with them, I believe most of the time, they are just uncomfortable, avoidant people

Could be. A lot of people aren;t comfortable being alone with themselves!

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You met her at a museum then essentially followed her home on the train.
That may have been seen as a red flag to her or her family/friends as a safety issue

I'm 53 now and had a lot of life experiences so I don't worry too much, and trust my instincts, but honestly if I had a dollar for every time someone has suggested something is 'dangerous' even when clearly the chances are remote of that...it is something men should be aware of, we are bombarded with the idea we are at risk ( to the point when women are hurt by someone there's often this judgment that they should have taken better care ) It's an aside, but something for men to be aware of. When I first met a dear friend he followed me out of the subdivision unwittingly, I doubled back and took a detour because I just didn't know him! He told me later he got horribly lost...way to test a friendship!

February 7, 2020

Don't over think this. It could be she didnt like the gap in your teeth, the colour of your hair. The way you talk or the way you move. You did nothing wrong. She just wasn't that into you.

Edited February 7, 2020 by Zippy2000

February 7, 2020

I’m a woman and if this situation happened to me (ie that I randomly met someone who i vibed and instantly connected with) I’d be over the moon and I’d be excited about seeing them again.

Unless....

My heart belonged to someone else. Whether I was in a relationship with that person or not.... I’ve turned men down before for no other reason that I was still emotionally recovering from heartbreak.

I suspect this is exactly what’s just happened to you op. she’s just not ready to date you. It’s not your fault, at least you tried.

February 7, 2020

3 hours ago, ccas93 said:

I'm starting to avoid people who are self-proclaimed "busy people" from my personal experience with them, I believe most of the time, they are just uncomfortable, avoidant people who just want a card for them to pull out of their back pocket when they want to disappear.

I guarantee she's no more busy than you, or I, or any other working adult in this country.

"Next" the ones who act put on this act that they must be working 20 hours a day with 8 kids, and they are JUST fitting you into their enormously, busy, tightly-packed schedule. Just a life so full of stuff that busy people do, esp important errands and best friend dates with their precious few spare hours from their incredibly "hectic" job (that's just apparently so much worse than everyone else's).

I 100% see your point, but I’d actually count myself as busier than the average adult (I work 50 hours a week between 2 jobs) at this current stage in my life. However, for a guy I liked, I made sure I made myself available to see him even if it meant getting up earlier/sleeping later, or skipping a workout or proper meal. I also never once said to him that “I’m a busy person” because I was never too busy for him. (However, for guys I was trying to send a message of disinterest to, I’d make it clear that I’m super busy and had little spare time.)

OP, I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. I think she’s just not that into you. It sucks, but it happens to all of us.

February 7, 2020

3 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

I 100% see your point, but I’d actually count myself as busier than the average adult (I work 50 hours a week between 2 jobs) at this current stage in my life. However, for a guy I liked, I made sure I made myself available to see him even if it meant getting up earlier/sleeping later, or skipping a workout or proper meal. I also never once said to him that “I’m a busy person” because I was never too busy for him. (However, for guys I was trying to send a message of disinterest to, I’d make it clear that I’m super busy and had little spare time.)

OP, I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. I think she’s just not that into you. It sucks, but it happens to all of us.

To be frank, "busy" is the worst kind of excuse because it lacks creativity.

Because no one is ever too busy to have time for people they love, even the President of the USA.

That's a fact. A common sense kind of fact.

February 7, 2020

3 minutes ago, thaygiaogiang said:

To be frank, "busy" is the worst kind of excuse because it lacks creativity.

Because no one is ever too busy to have time for people they love, even the President of the USA.

That's a fact. A common sense kind of fact.

Ummmm... that was the point of my above post, exactly.

Edited February 7, 2020 by NomiMalone

February 7, 2020

When a person WANTS you, they will figure out how to spend time for you even if they are the busiest people on earth.

When a person DOES NOT WANT you, they will tell you they are busy as an excuse not to see you, even if they are being unemployed and staying home watching Netflix 24/24.

February 7, 2020

You didn't do anything wrong, and neither did she, really. It's happened to a lot of us. Dust yourself off, and move on.

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I was blown off before the first date, and it really stung. Did I do anything wrong?

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