Ambereyes Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 where do you meet those problematic men? That might be the root of the problem. Surround yourself with quality and healthy men, you wont have these issues.
Author sk1977 Posted February 19, 2020 Author Posted February 19, 2020 24 minutes ago, Ambereyes said: where do you meet those problematic men? That might be the root of the problem. Surround yourself with quality and healthy men, you wont have these issues. Online apps. Where do you meet quality and healthy men?
Ambereyes Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 When you use dating apps, they let you set up your selection criteria. If not, make your own selection criteria then stick to your standards. E.g, college degree, full time worker, non-smoker, no drug etc etc..do you do that?
Art_Critic Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 SK, I apologize if you already covered this but what does your BF do to keep his sobriety legs ? does he currently go to NA or even AA meetings weekly ? When I had less than a year sobriety from Alcohol I went to AA meetings weekly and had a sponsor, does he have a sponsor ?
Art_Critic Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 BTW, I'm no one that believes because he stole from you that shows he is still using, but it does show he isn't truly sober and hasn't altered his behavior yet, by default being an Alcoholic meant I wasn't honest with myself or others and had the short coming of denial and dishonesty that had to be dealt with thru my steps. I had a sponsor once that was dishonest and stole from me, he was not drinking but also not truly sober and my guess is he was on his way to drinking again, I broke from that relationship since it wasn't healthy for me so I never knew if he had to go pick up another newcomer chip, this might be where your BF sits today, not using but still has to deal with his short comings. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 You may be reluctant to give up what you perceive as your last chance at having a happy relationship but realize this -- it's better to be healthy and happy alone than sick and miserable with someone else . . . 4
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) How did you discover his addiction? To me, the fact you want to talk this through your friends, is telling me you are desperate to find that 1 person that will tell you to stick by him I found an honest, strong loving man at 50. There is no limit age to find love. Stop hanging on to him like he's the last man on earth. Edited February 20, 2020 by Gaeta 4 1
Malin889 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 22 hours ago, sk1977 said: My kids are 16, 18, 26 years old. 26 year old is living on his own. The other two are playing sports and straight A students. 18 year old is starting college next year. I am concerned about how me staying in this relationship might affect them if he relapses. On the other hand, I feel that they got solid foundation in the way they were brought up, and I just don't see them suddenly starting to use drugs because my boyfriend is a former user. Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I just don't see the full picture right now and that is why I'm here. That’s great that your kids are doing so well and it sounds like they have their heads on straight. I doubt very much that they want to see their mother going through this or with someone like this. 1
Author sk1977 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 15 hours ago, Art_Critic said: SK, I apologize if you already covered this but what does your BF do to keep his sobriety legs ? does he currently go to NA or even AA meetings weekly ? When I had less than a year sobriety from Alcohol I went to AA meetings weekly and had a sponsor, does he have a sponsor ? yes, he does go to his meetings and has a sponsor. He also lives at the apartments for people in recovery with enforced curfew, weekly meetings and weekly drug tests. He says that he would get kicked out if his test ever came back positive.
Author sk1977 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: You’re still with this thief? I made my decision and am going to break up with him next time I see him, most probably tomorrow night. 2
Author sk1977 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: How did you discover his addiction? To me, the fact you want to talk this through your friends, is telling me you are desperate to find that 1 person that will tell you to stick by him I found an honest, strong loving man at 50. There is no limit age to find love. Stop hanging on to him like he's the last man on earth. I wanted to talk with my friend to actually hear another person tell me that I need to end this relationship, but mostly to ask for support as I'm dealing with the breakup. After he stole the money, I did a background check on him and discovered something that would point to drugs, so I confronted him. He opened up about it, but after talking to his family member, turned out he was telling me only about 20% of the whole truth. I don't know what hurts the most, his addiction or the lies he chose to tell me. 1
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 1 minute ago, sk1977 said: After he stole the money, I did a background check on him and discovered something that would point to drugs, so I confronted him. He opened up about it, but after talking to his family member, turned out he was telling me only about 20% of the whole truth. I don't know what hurts the most, his addiction or the lies he chose to tell me. I am glad you took this seriously. Lies and addiction go hand in hand. Do not let him sweet-talk you into staying in this relationship. There is nothing good waiting for you at the end of that rainbow. Heartbreaks are hard but are part of life, you will meet someone else I promise you. 3
Author sk1977 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Posted February 21, 2020 Guys, I need your help with going through with this breakup, please. I probably should take it to the Breakup forum, but you already know the whole situation. So, I was planning on seeing him tonight and break up. Well, yesterday he asked if he could come over and I said ok. I wish I was able to break it off last night, but couldn't because my kids were around. Before I came home from work, he had my whole apartment vacuumed, dishes washed, trash taken out, dog walked without me asking. Then my oldest son, who is on his own, stopped by and ended up meeting him. We all then went out for dinner and my son and I were going to split the bill, but my boyfriend said no, I will cover it. My oldest son later told me that he really liked my BF, that he seems to be really good for me. How do I break up with him after this? Also, it's not just a fluke, he is always there to help and try to make my life easier. I feel like such a jerk for breaking up with him. He really does have a good heart, when he is not ruled by drugs. I'm really struggling. What is wrong with me for even considering to stay in this relationship despite him steeling from me and lying about the severity of his drug problems in the past? Besides those two issues, he has been amazing, and it makes me question my decision to leave. Is it all just a facade to try to manipulate and convince me to stay despite us both knowing that he is just a ticking bomb, and it's just a matter of time? Please help me see clearly through all of this. I know I need to break up, I just hate feeling like such a jerk. I will be seeing him tonight and feel like I need to make my decision by then. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 19 minutes ago, sk1977 said: Before I came home from work, he had my whole apartment vacuumed, dishes washed, trash taken out, dog walked without me asking. Then my oldest son, who is on his own, stopped by and ended up meeting him. We all then went out for dinner and my son and I were going to split the bill, but my boyfriend said no, I will cover it. My oldest son later told me that he really liked my BF, that he seems to be really good for me. How do I break up with him after this? Sweeetie, his spidey senses are up. He knows something isn't quite right. He's attempting a pre-empt. Don't buy it. Everything you mentioned above is nothing but denial and looking for reasons not to do what you need to do. My oldest son later told me that he really liked my BF, that he seems to be really good for me. - Your oldest son knows less about him than you do and, I'm betting he doesn't know about the money this guy "borrowed". 4
Redhead14 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 And, by the way, I think you should suggest going out for a couple of drinks and do it in a public place. I wouldn't do it alone with him. Addicts can be volatile and reactionary . . . 1
Gaeta Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 1 hour ago, sk1977 said: Before I came home from work, he had my whole apartment vacuumed, dishes washed, trash taken out, dog walked without me asking. Seriously?? That is all it takes for you to consider keeping a drug addict that has already started stealing from you?? You remind me of an old friend who's boyfriend was an alcoholic, all he had to do to get her back was to have flowers delivered to her. Drug addicts, alcoholics, liars, are all sweet !! and so nice when they're sober!! so what? Break up over the phone. Really! The man lied to you for 4 months!! why does he deserve a face to face break up?? 3
Author sk1977 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Posted February 21, 2020 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Seriously?? That is all it takes for you to consider keeping a drug addict that has already started stealing from you?? You remind me of an old friend who's boyfriend was an alcoholic, all he had to do to get her back was to have flowers delivered to her. I know, it's messed up. Thank you!
spiderowl Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 He ‘borrowed’ money from your account without asking. That is not on, unless you had said beforehand that he could do this. i guess I am wondering how he managed to spend so much on you if he was short of money later. Where does he get his income from? Does he have a job? Is it truly what he says? Spending a lot on you and your family sounds too good to be true. I think you need to investigate how much of the story about his life that he has told you is true. I guess there could have been a misunderstanding but it is highly suspicious. At four months in, you barely know the guy. Have you met his family, seen his home, seen his workplace, met any of his friends? Who is this guy you are dating? 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 4 hours ago, sk1977 said: Guys, I need your help with going through with this breakup, please. I probably should take it to the Breakup forum, but you already know the whole situation. So, I was planning on seeing him tonight and break up. Well, yesterday he asked if he could come over and I said ok. I wish I was able to break it off last night, but couldn't because my kids were around. Before I came home from work, he had my whole apartment vacuumed, dishes washed, trash taken out, dog walked without me asking. Then my oldest son, who is on his own, stopped by and ended up meeting him. We all then went out for dinner and my son and I were going to split the bill, but my boyfriend said no, I will cover it. My oldest son later told me that he really liked my BF, that he seems to be really good for me. How do I break up with him after this? Also, it's not just a fluke, he is always there to help and try to make my life easier. I feel like such a jerk for breaking up with him. He really does have a good heart, when he is not ruled by drugs. I'm really struggling. What is wrong with me for even considering to stay in this relationship despite him steeling from me and lying about the severity of his drug problems in the past? Besides those two issues, he has been amazing, and it makes me question my decision to leave. Is it all just a facade to try to manipulate and convince me to stay despite us both knowing that he is just a ticking bomb, and it's just a matter of time? Please help me see clearly through all of this. I know I need to break up, I just hate feeling like such a jerk. I will be seeing him tonight and feel like I need to make my decision by then. You should know that what he is doing is not special in any way. This is what people do to get into one's good graces. It could be an act of kindness that is natural and consistent, or a means to an end, a manipulative tactic. Of course, the latter is what you must consider being the reality here. SO many people stay in relationships because of episodes of niceness, generosity, affection, but forget the too frequent episodes of dysfunction, abuse, etc. Your son does not know him from Fred. He has seen only a tiny, contrived window and you ending it will give you the opportunity to explain, if needed, why you had to distance yourself, at a later point. You need to stop inviting him to your place. If you wish to remain friends and be supportive, say so and pay for your own meals, etc. when you do meet 'as friends.' Tell him you need space and that may include seeing or pursuing other people. He has some issues he needs to deal with and be clear of. Let him the space to do so and honestly be clean, stable. Don't enable him and don't make your life more complicated. Good luck. 1
elaine567 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 4 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: . SO many people stay in relationships because of episodes of niceness, generosity, affection, but forget the too frequent episodes of dysfunction, abuse, etc. So true. 2
Miss Spider Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 Breaking up with someone is hard. You will probably second guess and feel guilty. But you need to do this. Stay strong. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Breaking up with someone is hard. You will probably second guess and feel guilty. But you need to do this. Stay strong. Agreed. Staying with someone who is abusive, abuses, manipulates, steals, lies....is dysfunctional IS MUCH MORE DIFFICULT AN OPTION TO CONSIDER STAYING WITH. 1 1
JS84 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 He sounds like my best friend's brother (who was dead by 28) who was addicted to opiods. He was an awesome guy. Which didn't stop him from stealing his fathers $40,000 custom built motorcycle off his driveway in the middle of the night and selling it. Didn't stop him from constantly getting locked up over and over and having family bail him out for thousands of dollars. Didn't stop him from stealing from friends. Didn't stop him from getting high around his girlfriends children. Didn't stop him from getting sober, relapsing, getting sober, relapsing again, and rinse and repeat. And again throughout all of this, you would think he was the coolest guy in the world talking to him. Charming, funny, smart guy, etc. Addicts are dangerous. And I don't care how old your kids are, bringing this guy into their lives puts them at risk. This guy needed to gone yesterday. I don't know your background and history. I thought you were extremely young (like early 20s or something) reading your posts but then I saw your kids ages. You really need to learn to look out for red flags in potential partners. You had to run a background check on him just to get the truth, it's not like he told you. Then you realized he wasn't telling you the whole truth. He "borrows" money, which honestly when I read the title of this thread the first time I thought "drug addict", and he's just exhibiting addict behavior. You can still be sober and have a junkie mentality. I hope you end things with this guy soon and learn from this. Don't ever get attached to anyone so quickly like that for starters. There's another thread here in the dating section with another guy breaking down in tears and sobbing because his girlfriend of four months disrespected him I honestly don't get how that happens after a few months of knowing someone. I need at least a year with someone before I can really start to trust them and be THAT emotionally invested. At least if it's someone completely new to my life anyway. It's good that you reached out for advice, but please be more careful in the future. AND DO NOT GIVE OUT YOUR PIN NUMBER TO YOUR BOYFRIENDS!!!! 2 1
kendahke Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, sk1977 said: My oldest son later told me that he really liked my BF, that he seems to be really good for me. And you let your son go on and believe that lie? Dang-of all the people not to lie to, your children should be at the top of that list behind yourself. And yes, a lie of omission is still a lie. Your son only knows what this menace wants him to know about him--not the truth. Try telling your son the truth of what this guy has done and see if he keeps on liking him. Edited February 22, 2020 by kendahke 3
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