Author sk1977 Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 On 2/13/2020 at 1:54 AM, S2B said: Any update? The update is that we have bigger problems than I thought. Turns out he is a recovering opioids addict. He did give me the money back. Heartbroken and not sure what to do. I know, to the outside person looking in, there is only one way to deal with this - leave the relationship. That is what my mind tells me. My heart is struggling though. The biggest thing being that i know the addiction is a disease, like any other disease. Would I leave someone I love, if, instead, they had a heart disease, for example? I happen to have a kind heart. Usually more kind towards other people, than myself, it appears. :( 1
K.K. Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 7 minutes ago, sk1977 said: The update is that we have bigger problems than I thought. Turns out he is a recovering opioids addict. He did give me the money back. Heartbroken and not sure what to do. I know, to the outside person looking in, there is only one way to deal with this - leave the relationship. That is what my mind tells me. My heart is struggling though. The biggest thing being that i know the addiction is a disease, like any other disease. Would I leave someone I love, if, instead, they had a heart disease, for example? I happen to have a kind heart. Usually more kind towards other people, than myself, it appears. Wow. You’ve got some balls for posting this after the berating you’ve already taken. We meant it looking out for you though. Girl, don’t start with that disease crap. Who cares if it is or it isn’t. Run away now! Love ain’t gonna keep you from being taken for a veryyy long ride to nowhere. 5
ChatroomHero Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) Dump him. Right away. Edited February 18, 2020 by ChatroomHero 2
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 15 minutes ago, sk1977 said: Turns out he is a recovering opioids addict. He did give me the money back. Would I leave someone I love, if, instead, they had a heart disease, for example? You cannot, in anyway, compare drug addiction to a heart disease! Heart disease won't have you lose your judgement, steal, hurt and bankrupt your love ones. I have a friend who's clean from drugs for 25 years. He told me to never EVER get involved with a drug addict unless they are 5 years clean. 4
Kitty Tantrum Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Thought it might be drugs. I'd advise you to run. It's not heart disease. Heart disease means you accept the burden of caring for someone as they deteriorate physically. Drug addiction means you sign up to be bled dry of your resources - up to and including your own life and the lives of your children - to fuel that person's addiction. My parents were serious drug addicts when I was a young child, and some of the things they've told me - things they did to support their drug habits - are just... it's nothing like being physically diseased. Even though my parents have both cleaned up their acts to a commendable degree, I could point to an awful lot of ways their drug-addiction has impacted me throughout my life, even during times when they hadn't used anything illegal in years. It's a systemic problem that goes far beyond "currently using" vs. "recovering." Choosing someone like that to be a primary figure in the lives of your children would be irresponsible and ill-advised. 4 1
ChatroomHero Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 20 minutes ago, sk1977 said: The update is that we have bigger problems than I thought. Turns out he is a recovering opioids addict. He did give me the money back. Heartbroken and not sure what to do. I know, to the outside person looking in, there is only one way to deal with this - leave the relationship. That is what my mind tells me. My heart is struggling though. The biggest thing being that i know the addiction is a disease, like any other disease. Would I leave someone I love, if, instead, they had a heart disease, for example? I happen to have a kind heart. Usually more kind towards other people, than myself, it appears. I've been in that situation. Get a credit report. Very likely he has taken thongs of yours and sold them, raided your money before, potentially opened credit cards in your name, I can almost guarantee it. If you look you'll see $8 here, $20 there, little things missing, etc. Whatever you catch him doing is about 1/100th of what he has actually done. If he admits to taking $100 and pays it back, it is because he probably took $500 somehow and got away with it. He will only ever admit to what you know and he will only ever admit it if his remorse provides cover for a bigger scam. What you'll find is he paid you back by stealing from someone else and now he thinks he has you where he can do it in the future and say, "Remember, I paid you back! I never would have not paid you back! I told you I would never take money from you again...I am hurt you don't believe me but I understand why you don't trust me. I am so, sorry". Meanwhile he will have $200 of yours in his pocket while crying his sob story. As far as leaving someone because of a disease, look at it like it is a deadly contagious disease... You wouldn't stay. His disease will wreck your life in a matter of months if you stick around and it is highly contagious, or at least the fallout is. I can tell you, if you think he only took $100 without telling you then almost definitely took $1,000 from you that you just haven't found out about yet. Wait until you look for a watch you haven't worn in a month and can't find it or an older headset or an old lap top or phone you haven't seen in a while. If he can get $5 for something, that's actually enough to get heroin. You thought you when through food or a case of Pepsi really fast? He probably sold or traded it for a couple of $. You won't believe what is actually going on. I wouldn't stick around if I were you. I would immediately treat him as any other stranger trying to rob you. That is the ONLY smart play. 3
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 She's only known this guy for few months!!! Paleeze. And, wow, why am I not surprised? - he's a recovering opoids addict. No wonder he doesn't understand/care about boundaries. How long has this guy been in recovery??? All this talk of "not leaving someone I love, if, instead, they had a heart disease, for example?". That is the mentality one MIGHT use for a more established, committed relationship where someone faltered, etc. However, it's still enabling mentality. Even in that kind of situation, the behavior of crossing boundaries, etc. would be addressed directly and no excuses would be made or accepted. I can't believe this is still going. Change your pin and send this guy packing. 2
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Forgot: Please change your PIN and your online banking password. 2
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 37 minutes ago, sk1977 said: Heartbroken and not sure what to do. I am shaken by the thought you are considering keeping this guy around. First and foremost you are a mother, and mothers don't bring addicts around. You've known him 4 months, it's a drop in the ocean, he should not weigh in the balance at all. 4 2
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I am shaken by the thought you are considering keeping this guy around. First and foremost you are a mother, and mothers don't bring addicts around. You've known him 4 months, it's a drop in the ocean, he should not weigh in the balance at all. Earlier in the thread when I mentioned that she barely knew him and should be concerned about her children and possibility of abuse, etc., she said he "didn't seem like the type . . . ". I said, he didn't "seem" like the type who would "borrow" from her account without permission either, right? Did he "seem" like a recovering opioid addict???? She just plain doesn't know who this guy is and shouldn't be trusting him so much. She needs to keep him away from her children at the very least if she isn't willing to kick him to the curb yet. Edited February 18, 2020 by Redhead14 1 1
Author sk1977 Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 I don't know if it makes any difference, but he's been sober for 8 months. At least that is what he says. Would it make a difference if he never touched drugs again? 1
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, sk1977 said: I don't know if it makes any difference, but he's been sober for 8 months. At least that is what he says. Would it make a difference if he never touched drugs again? 8 months is nothing. Relapse is extremely likely. Read up on addictions and the recovery process. Addicts often/usually relapse a number of times before "it takes". If this guy were sober for at least 2 years, I might consider trusting him to some degree, but not with my money or my children. It would take a number of years before that happened. And the other thing that happens sometimes with addicts is that they stop taking drugs but start drinking heavily or develop another addiction to replace the one they are trying to stop . . . including excessive shopping/spending. Edited February 18, 2020 by Redhead14 1
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 8 minutes ago, sk1977 said: I don't know if it makes any difference, but he's been sober for 8 months. Absolutely not. Recovery needs to be counted in YEARS. The relapse rate for that type of drug is 88%, you know opioid is Fentanyl and heroin right? People are dying left and right from these drugs, it is highly addictive and the recovery rate is very low. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5046044/
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Absolutely not. Recovery needs to be counted in YEARS. The relapse rate for that type of drug is 88%, you know opioid is Fentanyl and heroin right? People are dying left and right from these drugs, it is highly addictive and the recovery rate is very low. I have posted a link and it will be visible after verification. 1
Author sk1977 Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Absolutely not. Recovery needs to be counted in YEARS. The relapse rate for that type of drug is 88%, you know opioid is Fentanyl and heroin right? People are dying left and right from these drugs, it is highly addictive and the recovery rate is very low. I have posted a link and it will be visible after verification. thank you!
Kitty Tantrum Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 8 months is nothing. Would it make a difference if one of your children died of an accidental overdose because he brought substances around them/into your home? Would it make a difference if one of your children follows his example one day - aided by the influence of this man's personal acquaintances in the drug trade? Would it make a difference if his future relapse impaired and simultaneously indebted him to the point that he literally whored out one of your children for sexual favors to maintain the security of his addiction? These are extreme examples, but they are only a few of the very real dangers inherent to addiction - of ANY variety but ESPECIALLY the hard chemical variety. That stuff messes with people's brains, and you don't know him anywhere near well enough to know what he's like when he goes down the rabbit hole. You've never even caught a glimpse. But you HAVE seen how unstable his purportedly SOBER behavior is, and that alone should be enough to make you next him. There is NOTHING this man can give you that he might not take away AND THEN SOME, in the blink of an eye, when you least suspect it. 4
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 The main reason opioid, heroin, Fentanyl addicts are dying after relapsing is accidental overdose. They think they can go back to using the same amount they were when they tried to stop taking it but the body's tolerance has waned. So, you may be setting yourself up for an even bigger hurt and surprise if he does relapse. Not worth it. Run, don't walk. 3
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Are you sure he is clean? He is a guy who is mixed up in opiate addiction. He spends literally thousands on you at Xmas - drug dealing money maybe? Now he is so desperate for money he had to steal from your account - needed a fix perhaps?... My guess, he isn't clean. 3
Author sk1977 Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 13 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said: But you HAVE seen how unstable his purportedly SOBER behavior is, and that alone should be enough to make you next him. that is a very good point. Thank you!
Author sk1977 Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 15 minutes ago, Redhead14 said: The main reason opioid, heroin, Fentanyl addicts are dying after relapsing is accidental overdose. They think they can go back to using the same amount they were when they tried to stop taking it but the body's tolerance has waned. So, you may be setting yourself up for an even bigger hurt and surprise if he does relapse. Not worth it. Run, don't walk. Yes, I'm aware of that. Thank you.
Author sk1977 Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 What do I tell him to break up? What would be a kind way to do it? Now I fear the break up will trigger him to start using again.
basil67 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 If the breakup makes him start using again, then he was never properly sober. I understand that you care, but his sobriety is entirely on him - not you. 6 1
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, sk1977 said: What do I tell him to break up? What would be a kind way to do it? Now I fear the break up will trigger him to start using again. Sweetie, you're putting too much pressure on yourself over this. If he relapses, it's because he still hasn't found a good/healthy way to cope with life's difficulties in general and isn't "recovered" sufficiently enough. If it isn't this break up, it will be some other stressor with which he decides to deal in an unhealthy way. You don't owe him an explanation. "Xname, I've enjoyed the time we spent together but I've decided to move on. I wish you all the best". And, do it in a public place and make a quick exit. Do not entertain any discussion about it. Edited February 18, 2020 by Redhead14 2 1
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 10 minutes ago, sk1977 said: What do I tell him to break up? Tell him you've thought about it long and hard and you do not want to pursuit. You are not compatible on important aspects and he has not been clean long enough for you to take a chance on him considering you have small children and they need to be prioritized. 2 1
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 14 minutes ago, sk1977 said: Now I fear the break up will trigger him to start using again. That is why my friend told me to never date addicts that are not cleaned for at least 5 years. It's the only way to know they are solid enough to take the punches life throws at them. This is so important that my friend of 10+ years was ready to end his friendship with me If I went along and dated that man I met that was only clean 1 year. 1
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