My boyfriend 'borrowed' money from my account without asking.

February 7, 2020

8 minutes ago, Ambereyes said:

2. Someone who is broke gives you a thousand dollar gift and you just happily take it without asking questions? "where your money come from? ", or "maybe you shouldnt spend so much considering your financial situation"?

I didn't know at that moment when he gave me the gift that he was broke. It was two months before he took the money from me. I thought he was well off and generous.

February 7, 2020

1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Here is a rhetorical question...do you rely on him to help YOU financially?

Yeah I noticed that too. OP stated " he's always been treating me well and been very generous spending his money on me and my kids. "

"He probably spent a few thousand on me over the four month"

"gifted me some money when I was in a tough spot "

"...for a few grocery items I needed. Usually he would just pay for something like this"

So I really want to know how much OP used his money? and why ?

Edited February 7, 2020 by Ambereyes

February 7, 2020

16 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

I came here for support and not for being criticized. Him spending money on me surprised me, because I only had experience dating guys who were stingy and expected me to pay for half of each date.

Apologize if I'm wrong, but I get the sense that you feel guilt free for taking his money. You think guys are stingy if they expect you to pay half, but it's ok if you take thousands from someone you've only known for 4 months.

I think as a general rule, you need your own boundary first , then you can set up boundaries for others.

February 7, 2020

27 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

I don't rely on him financially. I don't how it's relevant to him taking money out of my bank account. I came here for support and not for being criticized. Him spending money on me surprised me, because I only had experience dating guys who were stingy and expected me to pay for half of each date. It was surprising, but I thought it was just him being generous. I tend to see good in people.

Actually, I can see why you feel you are being criticized. But, I am simply trying to get for YOU to see that your behavior is also a little odd. You admit that thought he was well off, so you took that to mean to unquestionably accept his 'generosity.' Ok. But, you did you think it was ever too much? Even after receiving the gifts?

All moot now. I feel he was over-compensating. No healthy person, in my mind, spends thousands of dollars on someone he has known for 4-months, her children, unless he is trying TOO hard whether he is able to sustain that or not. You now know that he cannot afford his excessive generosity. Also, consider him. Let him know that you are absolutely fine with the simple things in life and he doesn't have to have the need to prove that he likes you by spending so much money. You should really cool this off. You can see that he will not be able to continue in this fashion and he has started to take some liberties, make assumptions to what he is owed.

Paying for half the date is not being stingy, per say. I have ladies buy me lunch, meals, movies, and or alternate. Pretty common and pretty considerate even if when not expected.

February 7, 2020

OP, I think you are perfectly within your rights to not trust him after he withdrew the money without prior conversation/consent and then not telling you about it later until you asked.

I can see, however, that if he had indeed spent thousands of dollars on you in the past, he doesn't understand why you have a problem with him taking a small percentage of that from you.

I think you need to be very clear with him that the problem is NOT the money, but the fact that he didn't ask beforehand or tell you afterwards. That's probably what he's not feeling any empathy about.

February 7, 2020

You barely know him. He's only been your boyfriend for 4 months. you need to change your pin and anything else he can get ahold of to access your money. it's just crazy to let people have access to your finances unless you're married. I don't care if he's been generous or not. Secure your accounts.

February 7, 2020

I agree that unless the person has lots of disposable income and zero debt, spending thousands in the first few months is cause for concern.

However, it's up to him to be in control of his own finances. If someone wants to give generously and you're not aware of any financial problems, there's nothing wrong with accepting.

But it doesn't matter if he spent a million dollars. It's never OK to TAKE money from someone's account without permission.

Giving money/gifts doesn't entitle anyone to take money from someone's bank account.

Now it's clear that splashing out on you, he put himself into financial distress, so you know he's fiscally irresponsible AND has poor boundaries with money.

I'd be very wary of this, and at the least I'd clearly set some boundaries and enforce them scrupulously.

February 7, 2020

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Now it's clear that splashing out on you, he put himself into financial distress, so you know he's fiscally irresponsible AND has poor boundaries with money.

This. Plus, he has a problem with the truth. All big red flags at the start of a new relationship.

February 7, 2020

IMMEDIATE RED FLAG DUMP HIM AND MOVE ON. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

February 7, 2020

So many red flags:

1) Obviously stealing the $100, and asking for an additional $100– so soon in a relationship— he should be embarrassed for asking for money from a woman.
2) You’ve been dating him for 4 months. Why does he know your kids so soon, and why is he helping you out financially with $1000s of dollars? Is that ok with you?
3) You said you thought you’d be spending the rest of your life with him. After 4 months? Oh no. It’s ok to be hopeful and think positive If a relationship is going well, but it seems like you are going way too fast.

February 7, 2020

Also why did you accept the “gifts”? Didn’t it make you feel uncomfortable?

February 7, 2020

19 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Also why did you accept the “gifts”? Didn’t it make you feel uncomfortable?

I would be very uncomfortable with a man spending large amounts of money on me, particularly early in a relationship. That to me is a huge red flag.

I suppose I subscribe too much to the old saying, “if something looks too good to be true, it usually is...”

February 7, 2020

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

If someone wants to give generously and you're not aware of any financial problems, there's nothing wrong with accepting.

I dont agree. There is a limit. It depends on how long you know them and how much we are talking about.

Im so surprised so many posters here dont even question this behavior: Accepting thousands within a few months, is dangerous! Normally, people don't give out that much on someone they barely know, unless they are after something. It would be naive to think you can take other people's money and walk away free.

Frankly, OP is lucky all he ever did to you is steal $100 out form you. It could be something much worse.

I agree that it's never OK to take money from someone's account without permission. I also suspect if OP breaks up with him, he will ask her to pay him back.

Edited February 7, 2020 by Ambereyes

February 7, 2020

8 hours ago, sk1977 said:

I don't rely on him financially. I don't how it's relevant to him taking money out of my bank account. I came here for support and not for being criticized. Him spending money on me surprised me, because I only had experience dating guys who were stingy and expected me to pay for half of each date. It was surprising, but I thought it was just him being generous. I tend to see good in people.

He clearly IS generous, when he has money, but does not seem very capable at budgeting/managing cash flow. I see the good in people over the bad too, but as you have seen when there aren't clear boundaries in the relationship it felt like he then crossed the line when he assumed your money was his too. To him it was such a small amount it was inconsequential but to you it was a 'what the hell' moment because you budget your money and that's not possible if your partner dips into it without even discussing it.

Christmas can be a strange time, people spend money they can't afford and want to be part of a family more so than other times of year.

When you introduce your children to a new relationship they too will be hurt if it doesn't work out, as now seems to be happening. Sorry if that feels like criticism, I just think it's too soon to be a family together.

Not setting boundaries is a recipe for chaos as you have seen, and much as you like this man and his good points you would not be posting asking about this 'borrowing' if you didn't have concerns about his attitude to money.

February 7, 2020

13 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

Nevermind giving him your account pin, which is silly enough but you're bringing a man you've only known for 4 months around your children?????? And, more or less behaving as if he's more than a man you've only been dating for 4 months???? There's a ton wrong with this situation. You need to step back from this guy at the very least and hit the reset buttons in terms of boundaries. It's not a good idea to bring men you barely know around children. It's not good for them if they decide they like him and you need to kick him to the curb but, more than that, children are abused/harmed by "strangers" brought into the home by single mothers at an alarming rate. Child abuse is 40 times more likely when single parents find new partners.

And, please for the love of God, don't say he doesn't seem like the type of guy who would . . . Did he seem like the type of guy who would "borrow" money from your account after you trusted him with your pin???????

- This is a good point.

February 7, 2020

15 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

Nevermind giving him your account pin, which is silly enough but you're bringing a man you've only known for 4 months around your children?????? And, more or less behaving as if he's more than a man you've only been dating for 4 months???? There's a ton wrong with this situation. You need to step back from this guy at the very least and hit the reset buttons in terms of boundaries. It's not a good idea to bring men you barely know around children. It's not good for them if they decide they like him and you need to kick him to the curb but, more than that, children are abused/harmed by "strangers" brought into the home by single mothers at an alarming rate. Child abuse is 40 times more likely when single parents find new partners.

And, please for the love of God, don't say he doesn't seem like the type of guy who would . . . Did he seem like the type of guy who would "borrow" money from your account after you trusted him with your pin???????

I don't think there's any need to overreact, people often make good points but way too severely.

@sk1977 I totally understand why you did Christmas, but every day isn't Christmas, and you need to raise your kids to know that and to have common-sense with money ( and relationships, important lessons for them ) especially since so many of their parent generation is struggling with barely-manageable debt.

February 7, 2020

8 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I don't think there's any need to overreact, people often make good points but way too severely.

@sk1977 I totally understand why you did Christmas, but every day isn't Christmas, and you need to raise your kids to know that and to have common-sense with money ( and relationships, important lessons for them ) especially since so many of their parent generation is struggling with barely-manageable debt.

I doubt very much she would find this to be an overreaction when she finds that something has happened . . . this guy is virtually a stranger and there is no such thing as an overreaction when it comes to protecting children. She doesn't know "who" this guy is after only 4 months of dating. But, she's got a heads up now though.

February 7, 2020

4 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

I doubt very much she would find this to be an overreaction when she finds that something has happened . . . this guy is virtually a stranger and there is no such thing as an overreaction when it comes to protecting children. She doesn't know "who" this guy is after only 4 months of dating. But, she's got a heads up now though.

What has happened? There's no indication this man has done anything abusive to her children.

And there is totally such a thing as an over-reaction when it comes to protecting children, they have to experience a degree of the real world in order to develop their instincts in how to cope within it, over-protection won't do that.

But they don't need to be attaching to a man who isn't truly on the same page as their mum either, then being disappointed and hurt when she has to end it no matter how much they like him.

February 7, 2020

3 minutes ago, Ellener said:

What has happened? There's no indication this man has done anything abusive to her children.

Not wanting to point out the obvious but he took food out of their mouths, no exaggeration..she said bills were tight when he STOLE the money.

He CERTAINLY has done something WRONG and ILLEGAL...

He made her a victim of his THEFT, and....... If he hadn't of gotten CAUGHT he would never had said anything..

That is NOT the kind of guy I would want around my child

February 7, 2020

4 hours ago, Ellener said:

He clearly IS generous, when he has money, but does not seem very capable at budgeting/managing cash flow.

There's a difference between being generous & wth is going on here. Buying a fancy dress that's a few hundred but someone can't afford as a gift is being generous. Spending thousands in four months - as others have thought or mentioned - is rather odd (and as some mentioned a potential for concern). Most people don't do that.

Con artists on the other hand do and there's more than enough new articles from con artists' victims - who, no offense to the OP, are more often than not single parents or lonesome individuals (e.g. seniors) who may be a bit more vulnerable to manipulation than others - that recount similar stories as the OP's. I thought they cared about me, they spent so much money on me, they helped me out, they got me so many gifts, this was so out of character, etc.

Edited February 7, 2020 by SabreTeeth

February 7, 2020

3 minutes ago, Art_Critic said:

Not wanting to point out the obvious but he took food out of their mouths, no exaggeration..she said bills were tight when he STOLE the money.

He CERTAINLY has done something WRONG and ILLEGAL...

He made her a victim of his THEFT, and....... If he hadn't of gotten CAUGHT he would never had said anything..

That is NOT the kind of guy I would want around my child

This is the kind of language I don't use around my relationships. The children are fed. It's not illegal OR theft if you give someone your card and pin number and they use it. It's a mis-communication, one that is likely to end the relationship when opened up, but abusive...probably not.

February 7, 2020

9 minutes ago, Ellener said:

What has happened? There's no indication this man has done anything abusive to her children.

And there is totally such a thing as an over-reaction when it comes to protecting children, they have to experience a degree of the real world in order to develop their instincts in how to cope within it, over-protection won't do that.

But they don't need to be attaching to a man who isn't truly on the same page as their mum either, then being disappointed and hurt when she has to end it no matter how much they like him.

II never said he did do anything. The likelihood that something could/would happen is very high. That is well documented fact. If DYFS were to even be involved in her life, they would scrutinize that situation very, very closely. She doesn't know him PERIOD. It's not healthy for children to attach and then lose someone. In the case of children of single parents, they children have already lost a parent or experienced the split and being exposed to that often is not healthy for them. It affects there sense of safety. I will argue to the ends of the earth against this situation. It's fine if she wants to date, just don't bring them home or trust them around her children until the relationship is solid at the very least. She's already seen that he's not too trustworthy or understanding or tolerant of boundaries.

Edited February 7, 2020 by Redhead14

February 7, 2020

5 minutes ago, SabreTeeth said:

There's a difference between letting kids experience life & putting them in potentially bad situations that could easily be avoided.

And like with con artists there's more than enough news articles about single mothers allowing complete strangers near their children. Their children are either abused - physically, emotionally or sexually - or in some extreme cases killed. There's no overreaction in RedHead14's commentary - it's common sense. As the OP has found out, and no offense to her, she really didn't know this guy's character from a von Gogh painting.

No over-reaction, yet we have moved from mistakenly 'borrowing' $100 to murder and rape?

February 7, 2020

12 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

The likelihood that something could/would happen is very high. That is well documented fact.

No it's not. The original poster doesn't put up any red flags which a social worker would home in on as potentially risk-forming for her children except- naivety in introducing them prematurely to a relationship she is now already questionning.

I worked with children and families for a short while ( 2.5 years ) as a social worker, then in a wider context for the Probation Service. I did risk assessment for a long time. The risk here is the guy will financially de-rail the family over time if this is a pattern and not just getting carried away with being in a family environment at their first Christmas together.

And yes, that financial de-railment would put children at risk. Of homelessness, poor school achievement, in the US lack of access to healthcare maybe.

( sorry OP again if this seems unhelpful and criticism )

Edited February 7, 2020 by Ellener
spelling

February 7, 2020

12 minutes ago, Ellener said:

This is the kind of language I don't use around my relationships. The children are fed. It's not illegal OR theft if you give someone your card and pin number and they use it. It's a mis-communication, one that is likely to end the relationship when opened up, but abusive...probably not.

Theft by conversion comes to mind but not sure if it fits money is property.. it certainly is illegal.. the only chance he has is to return the money.

If you had stolen his money do you think he would be mad ?

Miscommunication ? that is denial...

BTW, there is more to come, someone who does this has more in store for the person they respect and love

Edited February 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

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