basil67 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 Breaking up with him, and being honest with your sons about the reasons will be a good learning experience for them. You will role model that one shouldn't stay with someone who's a thief and an addict just because they do nice things now and then. And I'm sure that if you tell them the bad stuff, they will be glad their momma is away from him. 1 1
nittygritty Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) By cleaning your whole apartment he was able to see everything you have got. As if he is not bad enough, you have no idea what kind of people he runs around with or possibly even owes money to.. You should be worried about having an opioid addict that has already stolen from you in your home when you aren’t there and “cleaning” the whole place. Why would you ever allow him to come back around your kids, your home or you again? That doesn’t make any sense. Edited February 22, 2020 by nittygritty 7 1
Miss Spider Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 Yea... be careful nothing’s missing,.., 1
ChatroomHero Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) 19 hours ago, sk1977 said: Guys, I need your help with going through with this breakup, please. I probably should take it to the Breakup forum, but you already know the whole situation. So, I was planning on seeing him tonight and break up. Well, yesterday he asked if he could come over and I said ok. I wish I was able to break it off last night, but couldn't because my kids were around. Before I came home from work, he had my whole apartment vacuumed, dishes washed, trash taken out, dog walked without me asking. Then my oldest son, who is on his own, stopped by and ended up meeting him. We all then went out for dinner and my son and I were going to split the bill, but my boyfriend said no, I will cover it. My oldest son later told me that he really liked my BF, that he seems to be really good for me. How do I break up with him after this? Also, it's not just a fluke, he is always there to help and try to make my life easier. I feel like such a jerk for breaking up with him. He really does have a good heart, when he is not ruled by drugs. I'm really struggling. What is wrong with me for even considering to stay in this relationship despite him steeling from me and lying about the severity of his drug problems in the past? Besides those two issues, he has been amazing, and it makes me question my decision to leave. Is it all just a facade to try to manipulate and convince me to stay despite us both knowing that he is just a ticking bomb, and it's just a matter of time? Please help me see clearly through all of this. I know I need to break up, I just hate feeling like such a jerk. I will be seeing him tonight and feel like I need to make my decision by then. I'll make it real easy. All that stuff he did, it's a cover. My ex brought friends over to "clean" my house. It was actually very clean, the problem is they cleaned a TV out from my basement, I had another roommate, they went into his room and cleaned out his I Pad, they were in my office where my checkbooks were and I have no idea what they cleaned out of there. My ex took my dog out once. Took it to her dealer's house, supposedly bit the dealer's kid so I have no idea what really happened. I'm telling you, when he seems great and normal and...he is probably using. Otherwise after only 8 months he would be struggling with depression, withdrawal, etc. He told you he was sober for 8 months, there is ONLY ONE REASON he took the $100 out of your account, he bought drugs with it. I guarantee you. I absolutely guarantee it. He is playing you like a fiddle. See, that's what you don't get yet. The amazing things he is doing for you is the minimum he needs to do to keep the money train at the station. You don't believe it yet but if you stay with him I guarantee within a year or so you'll be on here posting how your life is destroyed. Money missing. Maybe your identity stolen. You find you were driving around in your car with your kids and under your seat are drug needles you could go to jail for. Here's a story that will show you how easy you get fooled. Despite me knowing all of my ex's issues, we were going to my parent's house on Easter. She told me for about two weeks she saw a sign for custom Easter baskets and called about them, looked at them and they were beautiful. For two weeks she asked if we could get one for my Mom for Easter. She told me an intricate story about how the basket will be ready, it was near my parent's house and we just had to pick it up on the way for $40. So I drove with her to the house and she said give me the $40 and I'll go up and grab it. I'm at the house and it looks shady but I am thinking, I am here, in the car, watching her, 40' away. She went up to the door, knocked, then went in. She came out a few minutes later with no money and no basket. Said it wasn't ready. At that point I was ready to drive right to the police station and turn her in. Her story was set up over a 2 week period and very believable. I never thought she would basically buy and use right in front of me more or less. I thought there was absolutely no way. Another time she made a copy of a key for my parent's house and broke in and stole from my parent's while they were sleeping. She did this when she went to 7-11 one night. She was gone about 30 minutes which is almost impossible to make it to my parent's house and back, let alone make it there and rob them. My parents never heard her, had no idea. She never saw which key out of about 15 was for my parent's house, how she made a copy and found the right one is beyond me. She literally never saw me use it. I have keys on my ring I don't even know what they are for anymore. She still found it. The only way I discovered the truth is because I have a thing about keys on my ring all facing the same way and one random day noticed that key was backwards, so it must have been off my ring and put back wrong. It still took me another couple of days to realize why the key was backwards and then it all clicked like, "Duh!". Stay with him and your life will be destroyed. Keep feeling he is a good guy and let him manipulate you by making you feel like you are wrong for not trusting him or breaking up with him. Addiction is a life long thing and relapse will happen again. Anyone tells you anything different, then they have not been in that situation. Hell, people out of rehab will tell you the same and that they expect they will relapse but are trying not to. Counselors will act like addicts can get better but unless they tell you the odds are .001% that they won't relapse, I'd bet you they have never lived with an addict and seen the actual mind f* they can pull on you and the manipulation they are capable of. I dropped my ex at her parents house in the country and said "I'm done". Her parents said there is no way for her to use around there because there is nothing. I told them she will go for a "walk in the woods" and stop by the neighbors house and introduce herself to them saying she wanted to say hello to the neighbors. Then she will say she was walking in the woods and needed to use the restroom bad, can she use theirs? She was really pretty and acted very sweet. The neighbors would let her in and she would raid their bathroom cabinets for any medication they had. She would go with her parents to a grocery store in a small town. She would say she was going to check out feminine products and be away from them for 4 minutes. In that 4 minutes she would spot the one user/dealer working at the store right off the bat and would have a supplier in the middle of nowhere in about 4 minutes. Her parents didn't believe me. I told them those examples were on the more believable end of what she would actually do. Interestingly enough, one thing I learned was she would try to borrow money or try to have me purchase feminine products for her a lot. I found out the reason is she can get a receipt for it to prove where the money went. Then she could go to the store and return them for cash because most workers wouldn't make a huge issue over returning feminine products and even if they were paid for by credit card and there was no receipt, they would just return it to avoid embarrassment. She admitted this to me once when she was in rehab. You have no idea how his mind works. Those group houses are the best place for them to make drug friends and connections. She told me stories of how people would smuggle or get their friends and parents to UNKNOWINGLY smuggle drugs into rehab or 1/2 way houses. One guy at rehab was yelling at his parents for bringing him clothes but not a certain coat he asked for. The reason? Before rehab he had drugs sewn into the liner he planned to use and sell in rehab. After he was in, he was going to get his parents to bring the coat and drugs without them even knowing. Sorry for writing a book, I just want you to know this is what your life will be about now. Don't argue that it won't happen with him, just accept it. Then decide if you think he will be such a great guy a year from now when he cleans the house at the same time he steals your kids playstation and sells it and tries to blame someone else for stealing it. Good luck, all I can say is if you doubt what I am saying, you won't in about 12-18 months when you are at bottom and wish he would just OD and be out of your life forever. Edited February 22, 2020 by ChatroomHero 2 1
nospam99 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 I'm judgmental about a lot of things (promiscuity is way up there), but not this. As I understand the situation, the addict or ex-addict bf is living in a facility where they test him frequently. My suggestion to the OP is to engage with the facility. Make arrangements that you can receive the test results (and previous test results) EVERY TIME. That way, and only that way, will you know whether or not the guy is staying clean. But give him that (last) chance to get his life together.
kendahke Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 On 2/20/2020 at 10:43 AM, sk1977 said: yes, he does go to his meetings and has a sponsor. He also lives at the apartments for people in recovery with enforced curfew, weekly meetings and weekly drug tests. He says that he would get kicked out if his test ever came back positive. How did he get in to do this cleaning? Does he have a key to your place? Is all of your jewelry accounted for? You know he helps himself to things. That's why he's cleaning your apartment--he's setting up where he's going to land when he leaves that place so he can continue using drugs at your place and won't get thrown out for it. He now knows what you have in our apartment that can be pawned. You'd best believe that once he's been there for two weeks, he's a resident and you will have to take him to court and evict him to get him out of your house. Also, he may not leave without a fight---can you fight a grown man? 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 5 minutes ago, nospam99 said: I'm judgmental about a lot of things (promiscuity is way up there), but not this. As I understand the situation, the addict or ex-addict bf is living in a facility where they test him frequently. My suggestion to the OP is to engage with the facility. Make arrangements that you can receive the test results (and previous test results) EVERY TIME. That way, and only that way, will you know whether or not the guy is staying clean. But give him that (last) chance to get his life together. The OP doesn't need to give this guy the chance to get his life clean. The OP has nothing to do with that. The bf decides that. What I recommend that OP to do is step back from the relationship and take a look at who this person really is. I am not sure, in any way, how receptive the bf would be to allowing her to see the results of his tests. Interesting idea, if he would... 1 1
kendahke Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) 23 minutes ago, nospam99 said: But give him that (last) chance to get his life together. She doesn't owe him that. She has children still in her home who do not need to be exposed to this. He needs to pull himself up by his own boot straps and at 8 months sober, he's not ready to be given any chances. There are consequences to actions---and being an opioid addict has consequences he can't just skate away from. She is not obligated to be his enabler. As for test results, all he has to do is smuggle in someone else's urine (a druggie friend's child) to use for the test. They don't run expensive dna tests on it--they just screen for drugs. Edited February 22, 2020 by kendahke 2
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 13 minutes ago, nospam99 said: I'm judgmental about a lot of things (promiscuity is way up there), but not this. As I understand the situation, the addict or ex-addict bf is living in a facility where they test him frequently. My suggestion to the OP is to engage with the facility. Make arrangements that you can receive the test results (and previous test results) EVERY TIME. That way, and only that way, will you know whether or not the guy is staying clean. But give him that (last) chance to get his life together. This is a 4 month relationship, not a marriage. A woman (and a mother of teens) with any common sense wouldn't pursuit this. This man is addicted to the number 1 killing drug, this is not pot. 1 1
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 Also, I would not remain friends with this man. I wouldn't want him in my house or near my children. Their friendship would be another excuse to 'borrow' money and be at her place. 1
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I wouldn't want him in my house or near my children. AgreedOP your kids are at an optimal age to go off the rails. They may have had a great upbringing up till now, but that doesn't mean they are somehow protected from you bringing a drug addict right into the middle of their lives. "Straight A student" means little or nothing if they get mixed up in drugs or dealing or stealing... that great future can all be gone in an instant.
Redhead14 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) It looks like some posters above aren't aware of the fact that she's only known this guy for 4 months and is now living with her. He is not in a facility. This is not an established/long-term relationship where the partner developed a drug addiction or alcoholism and, perhaps, justifies giving the person "chances". This is a virtual stranger who has stolen from her and now she's discovered that he has an opioid addiction and claims to be in recovery. His recent behavior of stealing from her indicates that he is not recovered sufficiently enough to be able to be trusted. She owes him absolutely nothing in the way of giving him "chances". If she wants to even help him a little bit, she will drop him off at a facility and stop enabling him by giving him a place to live and giving him the opportunity to groom her for further manipulation and misery. This house cleaning stunt is about manipulation and grooming her. Edited February 22, 2020 by Redhead14 3 1
Art_Critic Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 On 2/20/2020 at 10:43 AM, sk1977 said: yes, he does go to his meetings and has a sponsor. He also lives at the apartments for people in recovery with enforced curfew, weekly meetings and weekly drug tests. He says that he would get kicked out if his test ever came back positive. From what I read he doesn't live with her but it does sound like he has a key.. 1
ChatroomHero Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, nospam99 said: I'm judgmental about a lot of things (promiscuity is way up there), but not this. As I understand the situation, the addict or ex-addict bf is living in a facility where they test him frequently. My suggestion to the OP is to engage with the facility. Make arrangements that you can receive the test results (and previous test results) EVERY TIME. That way, and only that way, will you know whether or not the guy is staying clean. But give him that (last) chance to get his life together. My posts are in absolutes, because the situation is absolute. By giving him a chance the greater percentage chance is he will destroy her life and fill it with things she could not imagine. This is not something that gets cured or the person gets better. Ever. She can be with him 24/7 and the opportunity is still there. Know what I found about most counselors at the facilities? They don't get it. They will talk about, "try this" and "make sure you support him/her by..." and you say, "Yeah. I did do exactly that and she used it as an excuse to write a check to herself for $400 and lie about it for 2 hours". You talk to the counselor and he or she starts talking about if you are abusive because come to find out the addict told them that as a cover story to avoid admitting something and suddenly you're explaining yourself saying, "Wait...what did she tell you? Did she tell you I found drugs in my cupboard and went to flush them down the toilet and she grabbed my neck and scratched it, then pretended to fall down and hurt herself and I was worried I was going to go to jail for removing drugs from my home?"...and the counselor will say, "No, she didn't tell me that"...and you ask, "then what good are you? How did you not know she was lying? Have you ever actually met an addict outside of a session?". Oh and test results. He can give them to her but they cannot. So it is on him. Does she want to spend the next 30 years fighting him when he does not give the test results because "the person that tests called in sick today" or "they only gave me the first page of the results print out. See, is says No on XXX. The rest said no for opiates but what must have happened is they forgot to staple the 2nd sheet. Let me (pretend) to call them in front of you and tell them I have to have the sheet...they said they will call me back...they never called me back...the guy that gave me the results went home for the day and they said I have to get them from him". Then you say you will call land they watch you do it and when they see the expression on your face when the treatment center tells you they are completely lying, the addict says, "I am so sorry. I will never do it again. You can go with me to every session and get the results there form now on..." anything to get off the hook at that moment. Is she really going to go to every session and spend hours of her life every day at a treatment center with him? You ever try to get test results from a drug user? If you need a second full time job with overtime and no pay, well there's your dream job. Make sure you suggest to her to pre-plan what weapon to take when she has to go to pay off the drug dealer that gets her phone number demanding payment because her bf said she would pay and gave him her number. Make sure you suggest she pays attention to how her friends react. They won't come out and say it but they will talk when you leave about his behavior and how something is up and then notice things missing. I would let her know she can never, ever give him cash, access to credit cards or anything valuable. She can never leave him alone in her home for even 3 minutes. Every time he uses the bathroom for more than 3 minutes she will need to check him for needles. Tell her to buy a lot of spoons and extra foil. Every time from here on out if she thought she had a $20 bill in her purse and it's gone, she will feel guilty of thinking he took it, if she says anything he will shame her and then 3 weeks later she'll find out he actually took it. Let her know giving him a "chance" is the roller coaster ride that will become the focal point of her life. He's already established he will steal from her. Once that line is crossed it is no longer a line for him for the rest of her life. What your telling her is to basically take a chance that 1.) He will be ok and they might have a nice little relationship that she could find with someone else to have the same with or 2.) He will destroy her and hopefully only bankrupt her and not land her in jail for something she didn't do. If you believe in risk/reward, this is 98% risk for a $1 reward. I will say this, unless you have lived with an addict, no offense but what you say can never be based on good knowledge. The deviousness and sheer genius in planning is almost unbelievable. They travel in packs too, so I got to see it played out by many different characters over a year and a half and each one was a devious genius when it came to getting money and drugs. The most broken person you would see would be so utterly genius about it, you couldn't believe they weren't a millionaire on base don their plotting and planning skills alone. The lengths and plans they will devise are so extraordinary, believable, manipulative and thought out, you find that you will never, ever, believe anything they say. For them, needing drugs kicks in their survival instinct. People can kill bears with their bare hands when survival instinct kicks in, finding a way to get $5 for heroin from someone they just got caught stealing $500 from is no issue at all (that's all they need, sometimes even $0 if their dealer wants to keep them on the line). From what I have seen, if they are with you in a store and ask you to buy a candy bar and you pay $1 for it and you get a gut feeling that somehow them asking you to buy that candy bar was a set up for something awful...you'll find about 80% of the time your gut feeling was dead on. It's no way to live. That's not an investment I would ever take a 'chance' on. The fact that he says he is sober 8 months and stole money is EXACTLY blowing the 'chance' you are talking about. The, "I thought it was ok because I have your pin" BS is something I have heard many times before. He knew it was not ok, he absolutely 100% knew it was not ok. He took the money. He already blew his 'chance' with her...and you want her to give him ANOTHER chance? Know who she should talk to instead of a counselor at a treatment counselor? An addict just out of rehab. They will point blank tell you everything I just stated. They will be the biggest voice saying to never date an addict. Edited February 22, 2020 by ChatroomHero 4 1
Redhead14 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 39 minutes ago, Art_Critic said: From what I read he doesn't live with her but it does sound like he has a key.. I was really surprised that she gave him her pin number for her bank account, so I can't be too surprised about a key to the apartment. It's possible, that one of her kids let him in I guess too. Either way, this guy has no business "cleaning" her apartment. In his case, I'd don't think cleaning is the word -- casing the joint would likely be more accurate. 1 1
Redhead14 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) Correction to my post above. He's not living with her -- yet but apparently has free access to her place. Edited February 22, 2020 by Redhead14
ChatroomHero Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 1 minute ago, Redhead14 said: I was really surprised that she gave him her pin number for her bank account, so I can't be too surprised about a key to the apartment. It's possible, that one of her kids let him in I guess too. Either way, this guy has no business "cleaning" her apartment. In his case, I'd don't think cleaning is the word -- casing the joint would likely be more accurate. This is like a Nigerian scam for addicts. Cleaning gives him the excuse to go through everything and find those valuables hidden away with dust on them that she won't miss. 2 1
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 What would worry me the most about him cleaning the place would be getting access to her financial information, her account balances, her savings, her credit card limits, and all info he can use to fraud her ID. It takes a long time to discover someone got a credit card, or even bought a car with your credit. 3 1
nospam99 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) Okay, I defer to the people who have more experience with hard drug users and dealers. FWIW, my personal experience is limited to weed users and dealers and with cheaters. I found the cheaters to be more 'damaging' to their friends and families because of the STDs (when did we stop called them VD?) and broken homes. But I do understand that the 'small businessmen' in the hard drug industry are a whole 'nuther class of thug and that opiates kill. Edited February 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 1
ChatroomHero Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What would worry me the most about him cleaning the place would be getting access to her financial information, her account balances, her savings, her credit card limits, and all info he can use to fraud her ID. It takes a long time to discover someone got a credit card, or even bought a car with your credit. He won't be the one using it. He will trade it to someone that doesn't even know her so they can use it and he won't feel that guilty. So trying to track it back to him will be nearly impossible. It's not always that they will raid the bank account for $500 either. It will be more devious. This stranger will pay for someone's gas with it at a gas station near her that she goes to and tell the person they will pay for $20 in gas to get $10 in cash because they only have a card and need $10 cash immediately because of (insert somewhat plausible story here) and the person at the gas station may well not care and say, ok, I'll take a free $10. She'll see $20 spent at the gas station on her statement and wonder if she got gas last Tuesday or not. Edited February 22, 2020 by ChatroomHero 4
ChatroomHero Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, nospam99 said: Okay, I defer to the people who have more experience with hard drug users and dealers. FWIW, my personal experience is limited to weed users and dealers and with cheaters. I found the cheaters to be more 'damaging' to their friends and families because of the STDs (when did we stop called them VD?) and broken homes. But I do understand that the 'small businessmen' in the hard drug industry are a whole 'nuther class of thug and that opiates kill. Yeah, honestly opiates in my opinion are worse than almost anything. I feel bad for the addicts but it's like stage 4 cancer, it is what it is. Hope is no match against how they work. Edited February 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Author sk1977 Posted February 22, 2020 Author Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, S2B said: Do you do any drugs yourself? I ask mainly because this doesn’t seem alarming to you... or at least alarming enough to immediately remove him from your life/space. I don’t. I’ve never smoked. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. Never tried, never wanted to try. It is alarming me, that is why I decided to break up with him. It just was/is really hard for me to accept the reality of it all. I think I was in denial. To a point I still am, but less so. I couldn’t believe he could possibly ever do drugs/steal. He is smart, funny, thoughtful and kind, and he looks and behaves completely healthy. He has a job. He also has an amazing family that I got to know. Also, I have never been exposed to drug addiction neither in my family or circle of friends. So, I didn’t know all the horror stories. But thanks to this community of people here, who care enough to respond and give me a glimpse into the lives of addicts and their loved ones, I can see much clearer now. Thank you everyone! Edited February 22, 2020 by sk1977 2
Author sk1977 Posted February 22, 2020 Author Posted February 22, 2020 1 minute ago, S2B said: just needed to clarify your comment - because your info was untrue... My info was untrue? What exactly was untrue?
preraph Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 You can't compare a junkie to a person with a disease. Junk will make an addict of anyone and kill anyone. It's poison, not a disease. Do not stay. Get rid of him or he will take you down with him. You could never have kids with him or even trust him not to rip off anyone you introduced him to. 2
ChatroomHero Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 6 minutes ago, preraph said: You can't compare a junkie to a person with a disease. Junk will make an addict of anyone and kill anyone. It's poison, not a disease. I agree. It is a disease but you have to imagine it as a disease in the sense of, if some stranger were to walk up to you on the street and punch you in the face and take your wallet and say, sorry, the arthritis in my ankle is acting up again. It's about that rational.
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