Baman Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 Like I said: How about just plain talking to her? You will get the truth IF you think carefully how to ask the right questions...
notbroken Posted February 10, 2020 Posted February 10, 2020 You are right to be worried. It is a situation that probably won't but could lead to a problem. Tell your wife you just aren't comfortable with it. No shame there. Nothing wrong with trusting your wife. Definitely nothing wrong with avoiding temptation either. Just the fact you are asking shows it is a problem with you. Tell her.
Baman Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 On 2/10/2020 at 3:53 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said: Right... tell that to penguins Actually, all is not what it seems with penguins (and many other species assumed to be monogamous) Penguins DNA has revealed that a goodly number are what we would call in humans ''socially monogamous'' ie; appear to be monogamous, pair bonded for child rearing and among peers yet sexually get some extra action on the side... https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/16/science/penguins-monogamy-paternity-tests.html Now, I'm sure someone will hit google looking for some other species to prove some point about monogamy... I'm obviously pro ethical non monogamy, but i'm not anti monogamy either. I don't think one or the other is better or right or proper or more moral or more natural, just that for US it works.
pepperbird Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 2 hours ago, Baman said: I'm obviously pro ethical non monogamy, but i'm not anti monogamy either. I don't think one or the other is better or right or proper or more moral or more natural, just that for US it works. That's the thing. Finding what works for you and then hopefully, finding someone who your values mesh with. There's nothing inherently wrong with either choice, just so long as the parties involved are honest with one another and don't lie just to get what they want.
Dimjo9 Posted February 23, 2020 Posted February 23, 2020 On 2/5/2020 at 1:14 PM, zig said: My wife takes the kids to an activity group (for kids) about twice a week. There is a guy there (going through a divorce) she met (who has a daughter the same age as mine) and they became casual friends I guess. So a couple of weeks ago my wife asks me if it would be alright if they meet up at the park so the kids can play together. Again, my daughter and his daughter are the same age. She said if I don't feel comfortable with it she wouldn't do it but I told her I was fine with it because I trust her. Our relationship has always been extremely trustful and without much jealously. Zero history of any of us cheating at all. Here is the biggest thing that bothers me. I know for a fact they met at the park 2-3 times in the last couple weeks. So I checked her phone to see if there were any phone calls or text messages. There aren't. How in the world can you coordinate meeting up at the park for a kids play date without a phone call or text message? Time, place, day and confirmation you're on your way. My suspicion is that she deleted the text messages and his phone # after plans were made. Maybe she doesn't want me to see they talk on the phone for a long periods of time and also doesn't want me to read the text messages. I actually met this guy once at the activity group and he's a rather good looking masculine man about my wife's age. If I would picture the type of guy in my head that my wife would want to hook up with it would be similar to this style of guy. I don't want to be the guy who is paranoid but do you think this warrants serious suspicion? Mr Zig, Your W & the OM probably are just starting an EA that will progress to a PA.. When we are married trust is part of the relationship but this has limits.. Instead of waiting to be cheated probably move out for now & let her figure it out.. Talk to her that you don’t like to experience infidelity.. Don’t call or talk to her for couple of weeks until she confess everything.. For me cheating is NO other Husbands tolerate this.. Hope its not yet too late for you !!
oldtruck Posted February 23, 2020 Posted February 23, 2020 8 hours ago, Dimjo9 said: Mr Zig, Your W & the OM probably are just starting an EA that will progress to a PA.. When we are married trust is part of the relationship but this has limits.. Instead of waiting to be cheated probably move out for now & let her figure it out.. Talk to her that you don’t like to experience infidelity.. Don’t call or talk to her for couple of weeks until she confess everything.. For me cheating is NO other Husbands tolerate this.. Hope its not yet too late for you !! bad move, OP moving out will only make it easier for his WW and the OM to turn this EA into a PA. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23, 2020 Posted February 23, 2020 (edited) Has your wife always gone to the park on set days, at set times? It is a long-standing pattern? If not, I can't see how they met at the park a few times just in the last couple weeks without some prior coordination/communication of some type. How had things been in your marriage prior to this? Edited February 23, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
Dimjo9 Posted February 23, 2020 Posted February 23, 2020 3 hours ago, oldtruck said: bad move, OP moving out will only make it easier for his WW and the OM to turn this EA into a PA. Hi Oldtruck, This is just to test her wife’s response.. 1step forward, 3step backward...
oldtruck Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 On 2/23/2020 at 10:09 AM, Dimjo9 said: Hi Oldtruck, This is just to test her wife’s response.. 1step forward, 3step backward... so you advise that to verify if a stick of dynamite is good is to light the fuse and then wait to see what happens? always best to think before acting, and giving advice.
Dimjo9 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 2 hours ago, oldtruck said: so you advise that to verify if a stick of dynamite is good is to light the fuse and then wait to see what happens? always best to think before acting, and giving advice. Oldtruck, We are entitled to our own opinion & this has been proven to work.. i will send you the link
vengfulone Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 I would pay a little more attention to what's happening. He's going through a divorce. Is it because he was caught cheating on his wife. They set up time's to meet at the activity group. After it's planed she ask you. Is it okay with you if not I just won't go. You saying yes is giving her permission to go see him.why don't she ask you to go to the park on those day;s? If there nothing to hide. The next they go to the park. You should just drop by. See how they respond to you. Tell her you got off work early,and thought you would join her and the kid's for a little fun. Why is she helping him, He has no friend's or family to help him. Next they will be texting all the time. She will stop talking about him to you so you will think there not seeing each other anymore. There's an attraction to him on her part. Stop it from going any farther now! The longer you wait the more he will try to seduce her. I know I let my ex comfort a friend going on hard time's. Just supporting him she said,just a friend she said. She also said when she left me for this guy that I wasn't there when she needed me. I said it's hard to be there for you,when you were being there for him. Keep a eye on her! Your gut is telling you something! You better listen!! 1
Just a Guy Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 Hi Folks, I think the OP has an ostrich like attitude here if he is not prepared to do the simplest possible form of checking which could give him some idea as to whether this friendship his wife is pursuing is entirely platonic or is coloured with emotions to some degree. I am referring to checking of phone records. This does not involve any form of intrusive activity such as checking her phone without her knowledge or spying on her or using a var. After all if there was no smoke( read gut feelings) then why did he come here to post his misgivings? As President Ronald Reagan once said " Trust but verify". He would be served well to heed that advice! Best wishes. 2
Author zig Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 Well I've been on the down low lately but I thought I would drop in and update things. I started seeing a counselor which has been great so far and is helping. Wife had a breakdown which I posted about in another thread. This last week things have turned around for the better, it will just take time to see if it holds or if it goes back to the emotional roller coaster of the past. Concerning the possible affair. I've had my eyes and ears on high alert but haven't found anything suspicious lately. It seems to have completely died off. What I think may have happened is that my wife went into the friendship with innocent intentions but the guy probably came on to her. She was probably like "whoa" I need to get out of this and ran. Or, something was beginning to happen, or did happened and she felt guilty and ended it. It's actually more suspicious to me that they haven't had contact that I know of lately. Makes me think "something" was going on but one or both ended it. The only snooping I've done was look at her text messages with the guy. Nothing there to see except planning to meet up a couple times. Then abruptly it all stopped. I know many in here have said to check phone records but I don't have access to her account. Plus I really don't want to be snooping around.
mark clemson Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 1 hour ago, zig said: Concerning the possible affair. I've had my eyes and ears on high alert but haven't found anything suspicious lately. It seems to have completely died off. What I think may have happened is that my wife went into the friendship with innocent intentions but the guy probably came on to her. She was probably like "whoa" I need to get out of this and ran. Or, something was beginning to happen, or did happened and she felt guilty and ended it. Let's hope it's the "nothing happened" version. Very good to hear if that is the case. Hopefully you can reconnect to the point where she has little interest in other than fully platonic friendships with men. I fully agree with "trust but verify" but maybe now you can be more on the trust side of that practice. There must be some other moms she can meet for walks in the park or similar. Consider suggesting she look for a few to spend time with/get friendship and support from if you haven't already.
usa1ah Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Wow Zig, just reading both of your threads sounds like she was ready to walk away with this guy or at the very least she is ready to walk away from you.
Author zig Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 On 3/2/2020 at 12:10 PM, usa1ah said: Wow Zig, just reading both of your threads sounds like she was ready to walk away with this guy or at the very least she is ready to walk away from you. It would appear that way. I spoke a little too soon the other day saying it was over, I just found another text yesterday that my wife sent to him letting him know about this community event for kids and wanted to know if him and his kid wanted to join in. So yeah, I'm still giving her the benefit of the doubt. I guess I trust her too much. His name came up in conversation yesterday and I made a little joke about how he was her boyfriend. She laughed it off and joked.... basically denying any type of relationship, emotional or physical. On the bright side, we are doing much better. Things are peaceful. I've been seeing a counselor and it's helped me a lot. She's says she wants to see one too but has yet to schedule it......
usa1ah Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) It sounds like she is dating him. All the things “they” do with the kids. All the quality time they spend together. Sorry but it is a emotional affair at the very least. The “Hey, there is this event for the kids. Do you want to go to it with me?” I am assuming you have to work during this kids event. When does the OM work? Who does she spend more quality time with? You or him Do you really think she would admit to anything going on if it was? Edited March 5, 2020 by usa1ah 2
schlumpy Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 What's going to happen is you are going to be the poster boy for Cosmopolitan but lose your marriage. Quit letting her placate you and put a stop to their activities together. If she balks, you will have answers to their involvement without having to expend the effort to catch them. 1
mark clemson Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 It's true - if he is just a friend then she should be able to give him up and find other friends. She may be annoyed at losing someone she relates to well (assuming it's "just" friendship) but one can always go find another friend. If you feel like it's a threat to your marriage that should supersede other considerations. Certainly men and women can be friends, but from what I've seen moms more typically hang out with other moms. IMO they should in theory be allowed to be friends, but agree with @usa1ah it's the extent of this and the time together that makes it (genuinely) worrisome. 2
Just a Guy Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 Hi Zig, as someone said it is time that you nip this growing friendship between your wife and this other man in the bud. That is unless you do not mind losing your wife to this other guy because of the bond that they have developed. If this man had been in your place and you in his, I am sure by now he would have confronted both his wife and you and asked you two to break it off. S married woman offering a shoulder to cry on to a MSN in the midst of a divorce is a sure recipe for disaster. What I don't get is how you can be so complacent in the face of smoke signals being given off by your wife about her actions and possible intent. As I said before " Trust but verify". However, your attitude seems to imply that you ate resigned to losing your wife to this other MSN and you are not going to lift a little finger to pro actively intervene in the progression of your wife down the path of infidelity and eventual break up of your marriage. I do not know what the state of your relationship with your wife is. You are the best judge of that. If you are happy and content with the state of your relationship with your wife and have no fears that she will desert you, then by all means continue on the path that you are on. If however, you have the slightest misgivings about the equation you share with your wife and you are interested in preserving your marriage, then you should be actively working to break up this growing bond between your wife and this man. The decision is yours entirely. Best wishes. 3
Robert2016 Posted April 12, 2020 Posted April 12, 2020 Give her a new phone (one that you set up with hidden key stroke tracking software installed). Ask the phone store how you can discreetly monitor your teenager's use of the phone. 1
BMI03 Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 (edited) On 2/6/2020 at 9:51 AM, zig said: I'm really not concerned at all that something physical has happened. I really trust my wife a lot, probably to a fault. What concerns me, is like what you said, the flirting, and or emotional connection. That's where it all starts. Maybe she's just flattered that another man finds her attractive and gives her attention. She's a mom in her 30's so I can see how an ego boost could feel good. I think that's why a lot of women do these kind of things. Yep, that is what bothers me. Why is she deleting this stuff? Here are a few possibilities. They never exchanged phone #'s in the first place. Maybe he said, "hey, every tuesday and friday I'm at the park between 4 and 5 o'clock so stop by if you're in the area". He started flirting with her and she felt uneasy so she deleted his # and text messages and has already ended the whole thing. They are flirting with each other and talking on the phone and she's deleting all of it. Logically it has to be one of those three. For now I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I'm just going to keep my eyes and ears open and if I have any more reason to think something is up then I'll go to the phone bill records. For now I'm giving her a free pass and trusting her. I don't want to be one of those paranoid husbands unless I have good reason to be. Trust comes first until it's broken. I stand by that. Is another possible option that she uses a different texting app? I have a few colleagues who don't use standard texting on their phone but ask me to text them on Whatsapp for instance. Nothing secret about it...just works better for their phone plan. Any chance she has him as a contact there and it's not being deleted/hidden at all? Edited April 13, 2020 by BMI03 Added my text to the quote by mistake
oldtruck Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 5 hours ago, BMI03 said: Is another possible option that she uses a different texting app? I have a few colleagues who don't use standard texting on their phone but ask me to text them on Whatsapp for instance. Nothing secret about it...just works better for their phone plan. Any chance she has him as a contact there and it's not being deleted/hidden at all? does not pass the smell test. data use is still data use. As when Hilary Clinton said she had set up her own private server and email because it was easier to do all that then having her employer give her an email address on the employers server.
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