Negotaurus Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 (I tried typing this so many times but always gave up out of frustration, although in the end I couldn't stop rambling.. Hope you understand) I was cheated on. We are both 21, been together for a year, long distance, lived together some months and otherwise see each other every 2 weeks. On two occasions he shortly sexted this stranger on Instagram and then went to porn to get himself off. First time was right after we first met, he sent a topless picture of himself after she hit him up with one from her, half naked. Then the dry pathetic sexting (saw the conversations, honestly crap. Apparently he was on the move while it happened). Second time was a couple months after that, he hit her up with some graphic message. She sent a half naked picture. He went to porn, got himself off and just randomly continued the graphic conversation for the heck of it after getting himself off. The second time was 8 months ago now. 2 months ago I found out and have been on a roller coaster ever since. 2 weeks before finding out he had sent her a random "hi" but then ended the conversation, not taking it further. Said that was it for him. We were planning on closing the distance and he "wanted to be sure". We have decided to make it work but I am in need of some advice from people who are wiser and smarter than I am. He used to pretty much be a manwhore, to be completely honest. He was insecure, arrogant. His ex cheated on him badly and told him he's no man, he needs to "***** around and get experience". He is very naive and although I am no one to make diagnoses, we both believe he is also on the spectrum. Not sure if it matters. In my mind, this is not worth ending the relationship over. I wholeheartedly know that he will never do this again. He went to therapy, gave me all his passwords, quit social media, controls his advertisements on the social media apps he does use, won't even look at another woman for too long, cherishes the ground I walk on. I know remorse when I see it and not only is he crippled with guilt, the remorse is tearing him apart. He started changing a lot during the relationship. He used to be a punk who was pretty full of himself (obviously out of insecurity), now he is very different. He is like a gentleman, has been for a while. Opens every door for me, when it's stormy and rainy he'll still run to open the car door for me. Half the time he puts my damn shoes on for me, feels bad when I put my coat on myself. Not only does he act so much different, he also dresses like a gentleman. He used to be a good guy, he has two loving parents. But at 17-20 he was partying, full of drugs and fell in love with a girl who let half the town have her. He told me about how messed up he was after that. He thought he was no man. I'm a very respectable woman, my father owns a large reputable company and I will be the one to take over his place. Sure I had my moments where I rebelled at 18 or so, but people see me as elegant and quite mature. He somewhat adapted to that, says he feels proud to have a woman like this. That I'm his standard, I give his life a meaning. Otherwise he'd just go back to drugs and probably dying at 30. He says that the cheating incidents happened because he needed to feel "accepted", it was apparently about the first "hit" for him. That a female texted him back, that there is another one out there if he lost me (the incidents happened when we had fights so bad we almost broke up). He says it fueled his "narcissistic side". But now that he looks back, he thinks it is cheap and just gross. Which it was. It can be saved. Not worth ending it over this crap in my opinion. But my heart is shattered and all trust is gone. My self-esteem is out the window, I question myself more than I question him. I think that some cheap girls who exploit their body to so many are somehow above the woman that I have worked to become. I have been through some horrid things in life already, I just wanted to be happy now. The girl had thousands of people linked to her account, she created fake accounts to cheat on her partner. Trashy is a nice thing to say about that. My partner said he never cared who it was, he never truly cared about the conversation apparently or how far it got, he never even thought of her besides the two incidents. It was late and he was tipsy both times, no excuse though. He said he didn't even fully feel like he was cheating because there was no emotion, it was in a way porn to him. More personal though and in that sense "somewhat special". I know what pictures were sent, I know the conversations. I can't get the images out of my mind and it stings so much. It happened to me, while he was with me. He had made a promise to be committed and loyal. Instead he had no class, no morals, nothing. It happened to me. I know he would never do it again, not deluded when I say that. He exposed himself to his family, friends, everyone. One of his friends slapped him for cheating on me, his friends adore me.. But the past has just torn me apart. Is there any help or advice I could get from here?
schlumpy Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 This is your decision. You know what you can tolerate. In my opinion this will not work. You are doing too much to save him and he not bringing equal value to the relationship. The idea that he would return to a life of party, drugs and rock and roll if not for you should give you pause, because the newness of the relationship will at some point wear off. When you are no longer within his primary focus what will he turn to? Are you willing to police his social media for the rest of your life? I think he needs to do and show more then opening doors and helping you on with a coat. What are his plans for the future? Are they a plus to the relationship? I think you need to compartmentalize your feelings and get some real feedback from your friends who seem to see your SO in a more realistic light. It doesn't mean you can't be with him. It just means that he has to put more on the table to be with you. Once you make that clear, he will either step up or run away. It's better to find out now then later. Sorry, I couldn't be me more positive.
Author Negotaurus Posted February 5, 2020 Author Posted February 5, 2020 2 minutes ago, schlumpy said: This is your decision. You know what you can tolerate. In my opinion this will not work. You are doing too much to save him and he not bringing equal value to the relationship. The idea that he would return to a life of party, drugs and rock and roll if not for you should give you pause, because the newness of the relationship will at some point wear off. When you are no longer within his primary focus what will he turn to? Are you willing to police his social media for the rest of your life? I think he needs to do and show more then opening doors and helping you on with a coat. What are his plans for the future? Are they a plus to the relationship? I think you need to compartmentalize your feelings and get some real feedback from your friends who seem to see your SO in a more realistic light. It doesn't mean you can't be with him. It just means that he has to put more on the table to be with you. Once you make that clear, he will either step up or run away. It's better to find out now then later. Sorry, I couldn't be me more positive. Thanks for responding, I really appreciate it. Whether it's because English is not my first language or because my mind is running a million miles per hour, I kind of misrepresented myself in my original post. He always tells me that he'll work to be better, with or without me. I also am concerned that this is a "phase" of his but that he denies. I just have his word. Earlier I meant to say that hadn't he met me, he'd still be living his "live fast die quick" lifestyle. Or so he claims.. I was going to move for him. I was going to leave behind my family, career, everything. After the cheating came to light I obviously stopped all the planning. Now he is planning to move to me. He wants to skip masters in his country to continue his studies in, I'd say one of the most demanding universities in the Baltics.. Now it's him moving. He has it planned for May. He has stuck to me like glue after I discovered his crap. He went deep into debt to fly to me and spend time with me. Therapy he is still attending. And I will admit, I have given him a HARD time. I have been horrible myself. Very horrible and I carry guilt for that now as well. I don't know what else he could do. He knows my limit is full. He knows I'm a damn good woman. Opening doors etc was kind of an example of his "changes", maybe a bad one and somewhat difficult to explain but I've been with him for a year, I did see massive changes in him. From an insecure punk to a gentleman with his feet on the ground, instead of floating around in La-La Land.. I just don't know how to come to terms with what's happened to me. I didn't want this, I was in the dark and never had a choice.
schlumpy Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 That's very good. You did put pressure on him and he did step up. Is it enough to last a lifetime? Will he maintain his focus? That's a decision you have to make. I hope it works out for you because you do seem to be a "damn good woman."
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