What are your top/ most important characteristics in a Long Lasting Relationship?

[SummerDreams]

For me it's patience to be honest.

Edit to say: I thought the question was what characteristics does someone need to KEEP a relationship and not what characteristics should a LTR partner have.

So for me, I have found out that only with patience from my part I can keep a long lasting relationship. What the SO should have, I think same sense of humor is the number one for me. I can't be with someone who doesn't laugh with my jokes which most of the times are a catastrophe. The next thing would be for him to be understanding, I'm a difficult person to be around.

Edited February 6, 2020 by SummerDreams

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, K.K. said:

If I may so boldly ask, Mr. Clemson .... which ones aren’t? 

There are quite a few, so not going to go through the entire list. (Sorry! ) Religion is one. I believe in God (secularly a Christian, but not a specific denomination) but wife does not. I'm pretty much the "spiritual but not religious" type so I pray regularly, but not at a church. I try to be reasonable about beliefs, so I think I'd be ok with a wife of a different religion so long as she wasn't too gung ho.

I do think that alignment for many of the points mentioned should be "ok" but doesn't have to be "perfect". For example hobbies - it's ok to share some of your hobbies but for each of you to have some different hobbies too. She doesn't have to be too financially responsible as long as the money she spends is money she actually earned (not mine), etc...

[Kitty Tantrum]

I guess I didn't mention financial/material security, but that is important to me. I don't measure that the same way most people do, though. For me it's not about a certain income or standard of living, investments/savings/etc. 

In my book, material stability and security arise from the willingness to do without the things that are not necessary. I have no interest in engaging in the "more, more, more" dance, where the goal is always more money, more things, more comfort.

I couldn't be married to a man who stakes his identity on having things and status. My ex-boyfriend was kinda like that. He also had a good career but was still working his way up, and it made me so uneasy the way he would talk about his dreams of having a certain income level, and how he wanted a fancy condo and a boat and exotic vacations on the regular...

I couldn't help but think that if something went wrong, and he lost his income or took a big hit for some reason, he would resent me for not having a job/career, or not being willing to go get a job to help pay for all of those things he likes. He would have been miserable living the sort of life I'm used to, and he probably wouldn't stay with me. He wasn't opposed on principle to having a homemaker for a wife, but he seemed to see THAT as a luxury more so than all of the ACTUAL luxuries he was accustomed to.

I need a man who won't ask me to make money until it's really dire. Like, where food/family/freedom is at stake. Not go get a job so we can keep our boat or pay for our next vacation, etc. I simply can't share those priorities. 

I guess it ties into "shared values." My husband values the things I do at home. My role in the home is genuinely important and beneficial to him and not seen as a frivolous nicety; not easily dispensable, even and perhaps especially when money is tight.

 

[smackie9]

Must be a car guy and like beer. No mental illness or addiction issues.

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

There are quite a few, so not going to go through the entire list. (Sorry! ) Religion is one. I believe in God (secularly a Christian, but not a specific denomination) but wife does not. I'm pretty much the "spiritual but not religious" type so I pray regularly, but not at a church. I try to be reasonable about beliefs, so I think I'd be ok with a wife of a different religion so long as she wasn't too gung ho.

I do think that alignment for many of the points mentioned should be "ok" but doesn't have to be "perfect". For example hobbies - it's ok to share some of your hobbies but for each of you to have some different hobbies too. She doesn't have to be too financially responsible as long as the money she spends is money she actually earned (not mine), etc...

 

 

Having common interests isimportabt but you but you don’t have to share everything

 

for example...you like to hunt and fish...done date a pro PETA.

 

also some assume they might not have an interest because they don’t say it,  some might be interesting in doing things but they wouldn’t do it by themselves.

havng hood communication is important.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by Ami1uwant

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

I guess I didn't mention financial/material security, but that is important to me. I don't measure that the same way most people do, though. For me it's not about a certain income or standard of living, investments/savings/etc. 

In my book, material stability and security arise from the willingness to do without the things that are not necessary. I have no interest in engaging in the "more, more, more" dance, where the goal is always more money, more things, more comfort.

I couldn't be married to a man who stakes his identity on having things and status. My ex-boyfriend was kinda like that. He also had a good career but was still working his way up, and it made me so uneasy the way he would talk about his dreams of having a certain income level, and how he wanted a fancy condo and a boat and exotic vacations on the regular...

I couldn't help but think that if something went wrong, and he lost his income or took a big hit for some reason, he would resent me for not having a job/career, or not being willing to go get a job to help pay for all of those things he likes. He would have been miserable living the sort of life I'm used to, and he probably wouldn't stay with me. He wasn't opposed on principle to having a homemaker for a wife, but he seemed to see THAT as a luxury more so than all of the ACTUAL luxuries he was accustomed to.

I need a man who won't ask me to make money until it's really dire. Like, where food/family/freedom is at stake. Not go get a job so we can keep our boat or pay for our next vacation, etc. I simply can't share those priorities. 

I guess it ties into "shared values." My husband values the things I do at home. My role in the home is genuinely important and beneficial to him and not seen as a frivolous nicety; not easily dispensable, even and perhaps especially when money is tight.

 

 

 

I dont know ehere where you live but in the society of today you need to have a 2 household income.

 

if you said about staying at home would say to him..you need to shoot high and be a big bread winger to take care of me.

[K.K.]

6 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

havng hood communication is important.

True dat, yo. 

[Ruby Slippers]

A while back I read a great article based on a study. It said there are two key elements present in successful long-term pairings:

1. Kindness, simple kindness and consideration for the other person's feelings

2. Ready responsiveness to bids for interaction - you know, all those little things we do to get the attention of the other person, like smiling or blowing a kiss when you walk by, initiating conversation. Successful long-term couples readily respond to their partner's bids for interaction.

[Kitty Tantrum]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

I dont know ehere where you live but in the society of today you need to have a 2 household income.

if you said about staying at home would say to him..you need to shoot high and be a big bread winger to take care of me.

Everyone says that, and it's not true.

I live in a pretty high cost of living area, and we make it work. I wasn't speaking in hypotheticals; I am actually married to a man who has a pretty humble income, but works hard and is willing to do without lots of things he's enjoyed in a previous season of his life so that I can stay home... because he likes that, and all the things I'm able to do for him because of that, MORE than he likes those other things. He knew from the get-go that employment outside the home was not part of my long-term plan and he never balked at that. Didn't even make me wait until we got married to quit my job. He tells me all the time that I spoil him and that he is lucky and thrilled to have me for his wife.

 

34 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

2. Ready responsiveness to bids for interaction - you know, all those little things we do to get the attention of the other person, like smiling or blowing a kiss when you walk by, initiating conversation. Successful long-term couples readily respond to their partner's bids for interaction.

This one really speaks to me. My ex-husband would so often just COMPLETELY brush off my bids for attention/affection. That gets pretty soul-crushing after a few years. I'm actually still AFRAID to "bid" for my husband's attention on some level, even though he's always been very responsive (I'm getting gradually better at it, though!).

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Yeah, I think it said than in 80% of divorces, the wife said the husband almost totally ignored her bids for interaction. How sad! 

My boyfriend and I have our differences, but I love that we both make bids often and respond to them with fun and delight

[scooby-philly]

OMG...I love this discussion!!!

IMHO.....it all depends on the individual (or individuals) in the relationship - what they value, what they want, what they (in some cases think they) need, their life view, the compatibility on key issues, their communication skills and most importantly, their concept of what a "relationship" is. 

You''ll get a  lot of responses from people saying - eh, I can live without great sex. Maybe that changes over time - I can say....at 38...I need at least "good sex" - meaning we're compatible in the kink/style department. But I have always been a sexual person. I can totally get someone who isn't....but I could never date them. Once a week isn't enough. I'm sure a lot of people would find me or others with high sex drives annoying! Maybe for most people in the middle of the spectrum, they could compromise on the frequency if their other needs were being met fully. 

This is such a rich an interesting topic to explore. My previous relationships have taught me what I need (and this is for ME) - the aforementioned good (hopefully great and very frequent) sex, emotional maturity, a good sense of self worth in the person, good communication skills, a sense of humbleness, kindness, and a down to earth personality. Someone who can form and defend (but can also change) their opinion, who has some really great friends and family but isn't overly social (okay, maybe that's not a skill!). Someone willing to pitch in, who's viewpoint on relationships is two people coming together to build a life (and hopefully for me one day a family) together, managing the ups and down of life together, supporting each other, loving each other, and f'ing each other constantly and learning all about that person, being vulnerable to them, and letting them feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with me.

[SummerDreams]

Oh I forgot the most important: someone who doesn't have interactions with his relatives and close family or wouldn't want me to have any interactions. I never understood why you have to interact with the whole family when you marry someone.

[Ami1uwant]

16 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

Everyone says that, and it's not true.

I live in a pretty high cost of living area, and we make it work. I wasn't speaking in hypotheticals; I am actually married to a man who has a pretty humble income, but works hard and is willing to do without lots of things he's enjoyed in a previous season of his life so that I can stay home... because he likes that, and all the things I'm able to do for him because of that, MORE than he likes those other things. He knew from the get-go that employment outside the home was not part of my long-term plan and he never balked at that. Didn't even make me wait until we got married to quit my job. He tells me all the time that I spoil him and that he is lucky and thrilled to have me for his wife.

 

This one really speaks to me. My ex-husband would so often just COMPLETELY brush off my bids for attention/affection. That gets pretty soul-crushing after a few years. I'm actually still AFRAID to "bid" for my husband's attention on some level, even though he's always been very responsive (I'm getting gradually better at it, though!).

 

 

I eonder where hes from ir his ballpark age. In most areas if peop,e got married and want yo buy a house you need a 2 income household in most areas unless someone got lucky.  General rule yout 

 

in a high cost area where hones are $600K you need $300K to get into the home market.house cost: house income when you buy shouldbe no more than 3:1.

 

for these attention hints....yours may not have been obvious to him which is why he didn’t respond.

 

my ex wife didn’t acknowledge the little things I did For her that were thoughtful.

 

 

[Kitty Tantrum]

1 minute ago, Ami1uwant said:

I eonder where hes from ir his ballpark age. In most areas if peop,e got married and want yo buy a house you need a 2 income household in most areas unless someone got lucky.  General rule yout

in a high cost area where hones are $600K you need $300K to get into the home market.house cost: house income when you buy shouldbe no more than 3:1.

for these attention hints....yours may not have been obvious to him which is why he didn’t respond.

my ex wife didn’t acknowledge the little things I did For her that were thoughtful.

Buying a house really has nothing to do with being married, aside from the fact that it's something a lot of married couples do. We currently rent, and share a house with my brother to help keep costs down. Works just fine for now.

Thing is, when people talk about "how much it costs to support a family," that's all based on AVERAGE FIGURES for "middle-class" families. You can do EVERYTHING a lot cheaper than the middle-class-norm if you're willing to live like a poor person. Yeah, the "average" home around here that most young couples and families would want to buy is $500k+. That doesn't mean we have to buy one of those homes. One option that a lot of people don't even think about is buying undeveloped land and living somewhat primitively while building/developing over time.

And this is where my husband is worth more to me than any millionaire who could easily provide me with the cookie-cutter suburban ideal: he doesn't shy away from hard work or hard circumstances. Money and material lifestyle is not his biggest concern. The willingness to live humbly opens all sorts of possibilities and opportunities that will always be out of reach to those who are not willing.

As far as my EX-husband goes, he was (is) an absolute piece of work... his own family says so. Nothing imagined there, I could walk up behind him naked and rub my boobs on either side of his neck to try to get his attention (how much more obvious do you want?!) and he'd ignore me and keep watching TV. That was just one of the many ways he demonstrated that he was never really "in" that relationship out of anything other than convenience. But feel free to try to convince me again that it was my fault.