laelithia Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 Hi Everyone, Today I’m really struggling. It’s been 3 years since I was with my ex, and at the time of the break up I was certain by now I would be completely over it. Now that so much time has past (with NC), I’m getting really worried now that I won’t ever feel chemistry that way (or close to) as I did with him. Does anyone have stories like mine where they were able to move on and find someone better? Thank you. L
Legatus Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 Hi @laelithia, so sorry you still feel like this after 3 years... I would say don't necessarily think about somebody being better. It's hard to quantify those things. Think about that it might be somebody completely new, with new qualities that you didn't think you'd find endearing before. Personally I think it's one of the worst feelings ever. Not even the break-up itself or that it didn't work out. It's our inherent human behaviour to focus on the negative. We think it was so amazing that we couldn't possibly find somebody with that kind of intensity. But what if that's exactly what happens? What if you do focus on the fact that the chemistry you're talking about - is not just floating around the world, it's in you, just waiting to be unlocked again. What if it will be more rewarding, more lasting, just more? 3 1
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 You need some better self talk. Talk about your good qualities & what was missing from your relationship. Then remind yourself to be open to finding a better relationship. Grief has it's only time table but for you to still be despondent 3 years after the fact is a long time. Perhaps some therapy is in order. 1
Author laelithia Posted February 5, 2020 Author Posted February 5, 2020 @Legatus Thank you for that reply. It really helps. The more I think about it, the more I realize I associated all those good feelings with him, and him alone. Not the idea it was inside of me. I will try to think that way, instead of thinking of him on that pedestal. It didn’t help that going into our relationship, he checked all my boxes (even had my favourite male name). I’m trying to tell myself there are many boxes people can check, and qualities less important than someone’s name. Thanks again. 1
Author laelithia Posted February 5, 2020 Author Posted February 5, 2020 @d0nnivain I find this very difficult to do, mostly what was missing out of the relationship. Probably because at this point, I have glorified it and him so much in my mind. For my positive qualities, I suppose I’m attractive, intelligent, educated and successful in my field. I’m kind and loyal (probably to a fault) and I try to be thoughtful of others. I’m sad because I think a part of me always doubted that someone like him would want me long term, and I suppose that’s what happened. Mind you, I wasn’t perfect along the way. As for what was missing, all I can really think of was his full commitment. He told me on our first date (at the end of a 5 hr one) that he was separated, not yet divorced, but he was completely over it and just waiting to file in a couple months. This turned out to not be completely true. I should have walked away and given him space to work through that on his own, and I tried, but not well enough. It’s hard now to see him with someone new, committing, living together. All the things I dreamed of with him. I have seen therapists on and off since that relationship ended, but more recently I have been consistently going since May. I think maybe it’s helping, but the progress is unfortunately slow. Thank you for your reply. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 Ok think about what an ideal relationship looks like to you. It should include somebody who is actual available to date you. Separated people & married people are not available. Then think about the good things you want. Try to remember that you had a relationship once you can have another one. 2
Legatus Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 2 hours ago, laelithia said: @Legatus Thank you for that reply. It really helps. The more I think about it, the more I realize I associated all those good feelings with him, and him alone. Not the idea it was inside of me. I will try to think that way, instead of thinking of him on that pedestal. It didn’t help that going into our relationship, he checked all my boxes (even had my favourite male name). I’m trying to tell myself there are many boxes people can check, and qualities less important than someone’s name. Thanks again. I'm sure that there are still many boxes that can be ticked and you don't even know about I know how easy it is to put somebody o a pedestal and, you know, of course people help us get the best versions of us out but I choose to believe it's not the only way. You can do it! Just don't expect that the only thing you will like is what you expect to like. One of the best feelings after break up is when somebody different comes along and you had no idea that this type of person could make you smile. It's because we constantly change and grow, with each trauma in our lives.. 1
Mrin Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 Sure. I have some. I once had a torrid, hot and sticky 4 month thing with a really exciting and amazing woman. It ended and we were both still hung up each other. It dragged out as some sort of self torture for about another three months. Finally I couldn't take it any longer and issued the epic unfriending. Cut her completely out of my life. Two days later another woman came into it and that lead to a 5.5 year relationship. If I had to give you advice, I would say stop comparing. Stop looking to have someone have the "same level" of chemistry or trigger the "same intensity" of feelings in you. We, as humans, tend to think of those things like meters or levels (e.g. 10 out of 10). That's a lie. They're not levels. They're far more complicated than that and they're tailored to a specific person. See - you will never feel the same chemistry with any other person as you did with your ex because they're not your ex. It isn't and can't be the same feeling. It is always something different for each person. So every time you look to feel the same chemistry with another person you are automatically - by definition - NOT going to feel it. Treat every other person as a unique feeling and I think you might be surprised what can happen. 2
2BGoodAgain Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 (edited) the thing is... time heals all wounds, isn't exactly true... time gives you a buffer so you can deal with your issues that caused the event to happen, but unless you actively heal within, see the relationship/person for what they are, why you were vulnerable to it/him, etc.. , learn about yourself in terms of that relationship, and grow... that lingering feeling can last a life time... and you won't be happier for it. many times than not, it isn't the person you're longing for, but how that person made you feel.. many people confuse the two into the same person... and it really isn't. Edited February 5, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain 2
Ruby Slippers Posted February 5, 2020 Posted February 5, 2020 My inspirational story is that as I go along and my thinking gets clearer, confidence grows, every relationship gets better. It's very true what they say - your relationship with yourself and your higher power (whatever that is for you) is the most important relationship of all. 3
Author laelithia Posted February 5, 2020 Author Posted February 5, 2020 (edited) Hi Everyone, Thank you so much for your replies. It's helping! It's funny, when I think back on my memories with these ex, they are so special to me. Each moment was for me, but it's interesting how for him, they were probably just moments. I regret many things from that relationship and I'm sure had I met him now, I would have done so many things differently. However, who I am today is partly in result of what happened with him. The more I think about it, the part that upsets me the most was how it ended, and how he seamlessly transitioned from spending all of his time with me, to someone new. I originally thought the relationship wouldn't last and was a rebound, but it seems as though the rebound was me and he has been with this other person for 3 years now. I simultaneously am angry at myself for the mistakes I made, him for being dishonest/selfish in the end (and a little at the beginning), and at the universe or a higher power for allowing this to happen to me. I try not to focus on these feelings as I don't find them very helpful, yet they bubble up quite often. I have tried dated and giving others a chance since this relationship ended, some resulting in a relationship, but it has not panned out well for me. I'm trying to be patient and remain hopeful that I may still find that special person for me, but it gets harder each year I get older to believe it can happen. There seem to be less and less quality men on the market as I get older, and am very worried that I squandered my most opportune years to find a quality partner by pursuing unavailable ones. I suppose time will tell, but in the meantime I'm doing my best to focus on my friends and family and my career, all of which are going well. So I suppose there's that! - L P.S. I should add, I have had trouble really connecting with men and finding them desirable for as long as I can remember. When I found him, I knew from day 1 that I was in trouble, as I felt such a strong attraction for him. I suppose that's the other worrying piece- I haven't before nor since him felt that way about anyone. Edited February 5, 2020 by laelithia 1
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