So I Joined Another Club That My Friend Invited Me to and I Had a Good First Experience

[GuitarGuy7]

In a previous thread I made, I talked about how a girl rejected me 6 months ago and I decided to reach out to her again. I asked her to meet up as friends just to catch up with one another as we were friends for the previous 5 months. While we were walking and talking to one another, I asked her about another church group I can get involved with as I want to leave my current one, and she invited me to the group that she's in.  It's a smaller group of people that is more activity involved which means that theres more opportunities to meet people and meet girls, which is something I want to get out of a group that I am in. 

Anyways, the club was earlier today and I had a lot of fun. People are more noticeably friendly towards me; girls didn't treat me like i'm a piece of trash, and I even signed up for their soccer team for the upcoming spring.  It also helps that I know my friend who goes to this group as well as she's the type of girl who's super friendly and extroverted and likes to introduce you to people. So yeah, i'm glad I reached out to her again and made that connection, even though she friend-zoned my ass.  I just have to know that it's 99% likely i'm never going to wind up dating this girl. Instead, I can keep her around as a friend and then use our friendship as an opportunity to meet other people and other girls who I would potentially be compatible with. 

My main goal is to meet girls; it's not the only goal, but let's be honest; it's the reason why I joined all of these clubs in the first place. And iv'e done everything I could to make myself as attractive as possible in the looks department. I started working out, getting a haircut on a regular basis, dressing nicer, trying to have a better tone of voice. I may not be Captain America, but at least I don't look like a complete slob now. So now I just need to work on my social game as that's my biggest weakness (besides my height) due to naturally being a quiet and introverted kind of guy. But at least I know I am capable of connecting with women as I have had friends that are girls. Iv'e also never had a girlfriend before so I haven't yet figured out a blue-print for getting one which means there is a lot of trial and error involved. 

Hopefully this club works out and I am able to have a good time.

Edited February 5, 2020 by GuitarGuy7

[mark clemson]

Sounds like you're making progress. Looks are a big deal, as are social skills. Money (or at least a decent job) completes the picture later on (if it's even necessary for the romantic aspect by that time).

One step at a time, but coming across as studly or slightly edgy, if you can pull either or both of those off, may help too. But be kind and understanding on an individual level.

"(Most) women don't want a nice guy. Women want an alpha male who learns to be nice to them." Good look, social skills, and a good career can all be part of an alpha male's repertoire (ala players). Being "alpha" isn't necessarily about testosterone fueled rages and the like.

[GuitarGuy7]

There is one girl I talked to while at the event. 

[Kitty Tantrum]

My only word of warning is that since you're joining clubs for the primary purpose of "meeting girls," it's very likely that you're going to come across as "the guy who is there to meet girls" rather than "the guy who is there because he's really interested in (group objective)."

Women often don't take well to guys who join their groups and clubs just to chase pussy. And women are pretty good at sussing out/intuiting those sorts of ulterior motives.

Example: I like bowling. I bowled in leagues from childhood through adolescence. If I joined a bowling club/group/team/whatever and there was a guy who seemed to be there just to talk to and interact with women - instead of being there because he ACTUALLY LIKES BOWLING - that would be a huge turn-off for me. I'd be like "Dude... just, dude. If you don't like bowling and are only here to get in with some ladies, GTFO plzktx."

In terms of church groups, I saw more than one guy chased out of church groups in my younger adult days because it was perceived that he was there to meet and get with women rather than being genuinely interested in the gospel and worship.

[GuitarGuy7]

1 hour ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

My only word of warning is that since you're joining clubs for the primary purpose of "meeting girls," it's very likely that you're going to come across as "the guy who is there to meet girls" rather than "the guy who is there because he's really interested in (group objective)."

 

I mean let's be honest, you've got a bunch of young college-aged men who are either near or in their sexual prime.  My guess is that a lot of guys (and girls) join club to meet romantic partners, it may not be their only reason, but I guarantee you that a good chunk of people join clubs for this reason even though they may not admit it. And there's nothing wrong with that...  I'm not going to judge people and be like "oh my god, he's here because he wants to find a girlfriend, that's so creepy..." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kitty Tantrum]

2 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

I guarantee you that a good chunk of people join clubs for this reason even though they may not admit it.

Yes. You are absolutely correct. The make-it-or-break-it of it all is whether they come across as being interested primarily in the GROUP and the things that it does - or whether they come across as being there for the single-minded purpose of talking to women. People who are naturally socially adept can conceal their ulterior motives without even thinking about it. I don't believe you can make the same claim of yourself.

The BEST thing for you to do may be to NOT go out of your way to talk to the women, at least at first. Instead focus on being the best version of yourself - AND on being as good as you can be at whatever it is the group is about.

You don't have to be the guy who approaches all the girls right away. It's okay to be the strong silent type if talking is not your strong suit.

[Foxhall]

19 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

I just have to know that it's 99% likely i'm never going to wind up dating this girl. Instead, I can keep her around as a friend and then use our friendship as an opportunity to meet other people and other girls who I would potentially be compatible with. 

now your talking 

[MsJayne]

Why is your height you biggest weakness?  Short or tall? 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

3 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

 

I mean let's be honest, you've got a bunch of young college-aged men who are either near or in their sexual prime.  My guess is that a lot of guys (and girls) join club to meet romantic partners, it may not be their only reason, but I guarantee you that a good chunk of people join clubs for this reason even though they may not admit it. And there's nothing wrong with that...  I'm not going to judge people and be like "oh my god, he's here because he wants to find a girlfriend, that's so creepy..." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good point, GG :).  Glad you are still getting out there!  It all sounds positive!  

[GuitarGuy7]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

Why is your height you biggest weakness?  Short or tall? 

Because i'm a 5 ft 3 white guy in the USA and the fact that i'm so short means that i'm going to be automatically written off by the majority of women.  I mean i'm sure you've read the recent thread about how a woman went on a date with a guy who's 5 ft 6 and didn't feel comfortable being bigger than him. Well when you're a guy my size, most women are bigger than you are and there isn't really much you can do about it.  Society says that the man should be bigger and taller and there's no way I will ever be able to fit that bill.

So my height is my most obvious flaw. 

That's one of my motivations for going to the gym and keeping myself active. I never want to get fat because I feel like iv'e already been screwed over vertically so I don't want to be screwed over horizontally either. 

 

 

 

 

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

Because i'm a 5 ft 3 white guy in the USA and the fact that i'm so short means that i'm going to be automatically written off by the majority of women.  I mean i'm sure you've read the recent thread about how a woman went on a date with a guy who's 5 ft 6 and didn't feel comfortable being bigger than him. Well when you're a guy my size, most women are bigger than you are and there isn't really much you can do about it.  Society says that the man should be bigger and taller and there's no way I will ever be able to fit that bill.

So my height is my most obvious flaw. 

That's one of my motivations for going to the gym and keeping myself active. I never want to get fat because I feel like iv'e already been screwed over vertically so I don't want to be screwed over horizontally either. 

 

 

 

 

Well, lots of  women don't have a problem with height. Example, look at how popular Tom Cruise is/was, (God knows why, I personally find him kinda revolting, but it's his gummy teeth and his fake personality,  absolutely nothing to do with his height).  It's all about personality, women love confidence. One of my favourite boyfriends when I was younger was only 5'5", scrawny,  red hair, and kinda ugly, but he was super confident and super funny, and he could have had any girl he wanted because he was so popular.  He was also a very gutsy guy,  he once saved a friend from a Great White shark attack while surfing. I probably would have married him if he hadn't gone mad and joined the Jehova's Witnesses.  You obviously have a sense of humour, I assume you play the guitar, because of your name, and most girls fawn all over the dude who plays the guitar, so maybe you're attracted to the wrong sort of girl.  

[Ellener]

@GuitarGuy7 Height wouldn't be an issue with me either. Immerse yourself into activities and don't worry too much about the meeting girlfriends aspect, then it'll come naturally.

[Allupinnit]

Sorry but I'm with @Kitty Tantrum on this one.  I'm glad you're getting out there, but going to church simply to meet women won't go over well for you.  Of course they're nice to you - it's church and all are welcome.  We're taught to love one another.  Please don't take that as an open invitation to start hitting on women at church if you aren't interested in also pursuing your spirituality.  It's so incredibly disingenuous.

[GuitarGuy7]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I'm glad you're getting out there, but going to church simply to meet women won't go over well for you.  Of course they're nice to you - it's church and all are welcome.  We're taught to love one another.  Please don't take that as an open invitation to start hitting on women at church if you aren't interested in also pursuing your spirituality.  It's so incredibly disingenuous.

 

That's my problem. The first church group that I went to, i'm going to be honest, I didn't go because I wanted to learn more about God, I just wanted to meet people and meet girls.  Obviously I didn't tell anybody that but that was the reason why I went in the first place. And what wound up happening for the 14 months I attended was that I met some really nice and cool guys, got involved with their sports team, and even ran the audio board for them for a short while. I tried talking to the girls there but nothing really developed. I was friends with one girl as she was the one who introduced me to this church in the first place but after she broke up with her boyfriend, I never saw her there anymore.  I tried talking to girls among our friends group and in the band but they mostly ignored me and wanted nothing to do with me and I was pretty sad about that. It got to the point where guys would say hi to me at the meeting because they knew me, but girls ignored me and didn't even acknowledge my existence.  The irony is that the people I did care about impressing (the girls) ignored me while the people I didn't care about impressing (the guys) were much more receptive towards me.  

So there probably is a little bit of truth to girls like guys who don't care about them. But the problem is that if I don't talk to girls at all, they won't even know who I am.

I ultimately left the church because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the church.  For one thing, the organization was too big, easily 300+ students a night and everybody has their own group and it's hard to break into that group.  Secondly, not enough social activities to actually meet people and meet girls and that was a problem.  Thirdly, I didn't meet any girls there.  And that's ultimately what I want, more than anything, is to get some sort of dating life. 

I'm already 25; I don't want to be 30 and miss out on dating and sex and relationships while i'm still young and youthful. 

 

 

[Allupinnit]

I understand that - but also keep in mind that people don't usually go to church for the sole purpose of talking to girls.  Christians meet at church and fall in love and get married all the time, yes - but the women there are going to expect that you are a Christ follower yourself.

If you weren't "getting anything" out of your last church then you weren't going for the right reasons.  Most Christians don't view going to church as trying to get a solid deal out of the experience - they're going to worship and connect with other Christians and serve one another.

[preraph]

As long as he keeps boundaries while there, I don't think it's wrong to go to church things to meet women.  There are a lot of people who go to church mainly to network and expand their contacts and meet people.  Of course, you simply can't be creeping on any of them and being inappropriate and getting too personal or being persistent once one makes it clear she's not interested.  

[GuitarGuy7]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

Of course, you simply can't be creeping on any of them and being inappropriate and getting too personal or being persistent once one makes it clear she's not interested.  

 

Yeah this one girl in the band, I asked her out on a date and she was just straight up with me.  She was like "im going to be honest with you, i'm not interested in dating you" and while I appreciate her honesty since most women arne't, it still hurts like hell.  I feel like no woman is interested in me and it makes me sad. 

[preraph]

So now you just be "Hi" and "Bye" and whatever work you need to do together and you never flirt or ask her again, that's all.  And from now on, you talk to the ones who talk to you first or ask you anything personal, and not just the ones who are prettiest.  That's your problem.  I realize you have a hard time because of your height, but you will have to pay attention to any that are nice to you but at the same time realize that while in a group -- they will all be nice enough to you and not make too much of it.  Just treat them all like you would guy friends and see how that goes.

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

The irony is that the people I did care about impressing (the girls) ignored me while the people I didn't care about impressing (the guys) were much more receptive towards me.  

And therein lies your problem.  

[GuitarGuy7]

Update: I’ve been going for several weeks now and have gotten to know more people, including several girls who say hi to me.  I play soccer with them on Monday nights as well. 

I even joined a small group that one of my friends is in. It’s a co-ed small group which I chose on purpose because it’s a good way to meet both guys and girls. My first time going was tonight and I got to talk to some of the girls there, some of them I recognize from Monday night soccer. 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

10 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

Update: I’ve been going for several weeks now and have gotten to know more people, including several girls who say hi to me.  I play soccer with them on Monday nights as well. 

I even joined a small group that one of my friends is in. It’s a co-ed small group which I chose on purpose because it’s a good way to meet both guys and girls. My first time going was tonight and I got to talk to some of the girls there, some of them I recognize from Monday night soccer. 

 

Good news! That's great you're playing soccer, too.  Great way to meet people.  Did you play in high school?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 2/4/2020 at 8:15 PM, GuitarGuy7 said:

My main goal is to meet girls; it's not the only goal, but let's be honest; it's the reason why I joined all of these clubs in the first place. 

 

I would never join a club that would have me as a member.