How to come to terms with an ex who is unwilling to accept responsibility for wrongdoing?

[PureAppleJuice]

Perhaps I was expecting something that was never going to come, i.e her talking to me again once uni began. Why did I think that would happen, when she made it very clear things were over in February?

 

Why am I surprised that she blocked me? We have been 'over' for a long time, now. Maybe I haven't done anything; maybe it's just that she doesn't want to talk, as it's over and has been for a while. Maybe I am analysing something that doesn't need to be analysed.

 

Maybe she simply doesn't care about me at all.

 

The pain I feel when she comes in and makes every effort to avoid looking at me, it's like I am not there. And really, why should she look at/engage with me? It's over. Why would she suddenly message me and hang out with me again? It's over. Why would she apologise for any wrongdoing when she couldn't do such a thing during the time we were involved? Perhaps there's someone else in her life who she is thinking about - I am old news, she probably blocked me because she saw no reason for us to interact.

 

Any expression of pain or confusion to her is probably unimportant, irrelevant. She probably thinks I should have moved on, leave her alone. After all, she has - why haven't I, is what she probably wants to know

Edited October 19, 2019 by PureAppleJuice

[CantTakeMySmile]

How do you know she blocked you and not just choosing not to answer you?

 

 

Unfortunately, what she thinks or does not think is irrelevant. What she may or may not feel doesn't matter.

 

 

How long were you actually a couple? And you broke up in February, correct?

[PureAppleJuice]

@CantTakeMySmile

 

 

How do you know she blocked you and not just choosing not to answer you?

 

Her profile details became greyed out after I'd messaged, and she never appears online anymore. That's an obvious block. To check, I saved her number into my other phone, and sure enough she was appearing online there, and not on the phone I'd messaged from. So, yeah.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, what she thinks or does not think is irrelevant. What she may or may not feel doesn't matter.

 

Could you say more about this? It sounds like it would be helpful.

 

 

How long were you actually a couple? And you broke up in February, correct?

 

We were a couple for six months, and knew each other for a year before that. I realise that isn't very long; however, she was acting as if she'd found her soulmate. We were spending every day together too, as we are in the same class - days off and time after classes were often spent at my house together. Days we didn't see each other were spent messaging all day. Things were very intense - which I also recognise isn't a marker of love, but they were VERY intense. Think sitting on the sofa for hours staring into each other's eyes, that kind of weird intense (I'm not saying that's a good thing, lol)

 

I have had two major, longer relationships before this. Both ended badly, yet didn't have the same impact. I think I have struggled to comprehend and process this person's transition from intensity to nothing, overnight; and now it's as if I don't exist. I've never really, either, had an explanation as to why she did any of that. I guess it just hasn't settled well with me, and I'm trying to find ways to cope with it, still. Seeing her makes it harder. She actively avoids me - she might for example come in to a class and sit near me, but will make every effort to avoid looking up and fixes her eyes on the chair she's walking towards, or whatever. It's surreal.

 

Yes, Feb. Again, I realise it was a while ago. I found it complex to move on because:

 

A) She has done this before - twice. Although not as extreme as the final time, she'd distanced herself everytime we appeared to be making progress/getting closer, then would come back. Because of that, I was in the mindset and used to her doing that, so half-thought it would happen again. That stopped me from moving on fully.

 

B) I knew that I'd have to see her again all the time at uni. I have only been able to heal from exes when I don't see them again, and for the entire summer break I felt almost 'stuck' in that I sort of knew that once I saw her, it was going to make me feel something, so didn't feel able to move on fully.

 

C) I felt that the sudden break up over, well, I have no idea, would be something she'd realise was not a tangible event - she admitted at the time that she'd overreacted, too. So I thought she'd sort of say hey, OK, I was wrong, etc. Anyone I've spoken to - be it friends, anon people on forums, therapists, agrees that what happened was odd, and so yeah, I guess I was kind of waiting for her to be sorry. Especially as we have this small class that we're in together. Guess not, though.

Edited October 26, 2019 by PureAppleJuice

[PureAppleJuice]

I gotta say, this is a really surreal experience, for me. I think if I didn't have to see her all the time I'd not be feeling all these complex feelings.

 

She continues to come in and sit near me, even when the class is empty. It's annoying, because I'm often with other people and can't just get up and move. Then I have to deal with her close proximity, which is just sometimes difficult and distracting. I'd rather just not see her at all, honestly. I get that some people could just move on and get on with their lives but this hasn't been the case for me.

 

I guess she has just moved on. It's just unfortunate that we are now stuck in the same class. I don't think she ever intends to reach out or try and make amends with me. That's a shame because I really hoped she would, but I guess she just isn't that person.

[schlumpy]

No offense but I don't see you two as equals. She's the superior while you are the passive subordinate.

 

Maybe others see this as two people trying to create a love paradigm that will work. I see a woman who his keeping you on the back burner while she tries to find the love of her life. You are there to fill in the gaps between those attempts.

 

Absent yourself as much as possible from spaces where she knows you will be. Randomize your study locations so she has trouble locating you. You are not doing enough to minimize your contact which is keeping you hoping for a reconciliation.

 

Set up your classes for next quarter (you do use the term quarters?) to avoid her. Maybe some years from now you can reconnect but for this period of time in your life you have to take the initiative and change the rules of the game.

[PureAppleJuice]

No offense but I don't see you two as equals. She's the superior while you are the passive subordinate.

 

Maybe others see this as two people trying to create a love paradigm that will work. I see a woman who his keeping you on the back burner while she tries to find the love of her life. You are there to fill in the gaps between those attempts.

 

Absent yourself as much as possible from spaces where she knows you will be. Randomize your study locations so she has trouble locating you. You are not doing enough to minimize your contact which is keeping you hoping for a reconciliation.

 

Set up your classes for next quarter (you do use the term quarters?) to avoid her. Maybe some years from now you can reconnect but for this period of time in your life you have to take the initiative and change the rules of the game.

 

I don't see us as equals, either. In the beginning I did, but I think it became obvious that she used me - for company, sex, whatever. That was difficult to admit to myself for a long time, but... things she'd say ("if I find someone I want to have a relationship with" or "you're not my type, physically") made me feel that she wasn't really there, 100%. So no offence taken, really.

 

I mean, I arrive almost half an hour early for classes. I sit down, often with other people. She comes in and sits near me - no matter where I sit. By then, the class is fuller, so getting up and moving is not always possible - I might also be sitting with other people, have my laptop out, etc etc. It's her that comes in and sits near me, not the other way round.

 

If I come into a class and she's sitting somewhere, I sit as far away from her as possible. She isn't doing the same :/

 

I leave the building as soon as lectures are over, I don't hang around waiting to bump into her, I don't talk to people she is with even if I know them, etc.

 

She was in a group I was in, yesterday - I got up and asked to be moved to another group, and I was.

 

Next term, I intend to just do the same. There isn't a lot of choice, in terms of classes. No other classes to move to, etc.

 

But I do agree with you in that she just saw me as a gap-filler. Not an easy thing to admit, but I think it's true.I think she realised I liked her, and thought she'd just capitlalise on it. Now it's over, she can't even say hey or be civil, which to me just means she didn't care that much in the first place.

[PureAppleJuice]

I see a woman who his keeping you on the back burner while she tries to find the love of her life. You are there to fill in the gaps between those attempts.

 

You know what, I think this is probably it. She disappeared once for four months - then suddenly messaged me, apologising for not responding. Four months seems to me about the amount of time you'd date someone and then it not working out. The first time she broke up with me she went and started spending time with some guy, to the point that they "kissed" - then it fell apart and guess what? She started talking to me again. This isn't the first time she's avoided me in person, either. I am fed up of seeing her around, fed up of feeling like this, fed up of the feelings she triggers in me. It's clear she's just messed me around, and I've come up with every excuse to justify it all. But what you've said is probably correct; because if she truly cared about or loved me, she wouldn't have done any of this. People do change for who they want to change FOR, and I'm just not that, for her.

[schlumpy]

It's going to be tough to get out of Limbo. I suggest a nice fresh faced country girl. If one isn't available then hang in there. Just promise yourself that if you take back it will on your terms, not hers.

 

Sometimes the best we can do is compromise with ourselves.

[PureAppleJuice]

Yeah, I tried the whole dating thing; didn’t really work as I wasn’t quite ready.

Don’t think my ex is coming back, either. Ah well.

[PureAppleJuice]

I will admit that I am having difficulty 'getting over' an ex that mistreated me. I feel very hurt, still, and deep down have a need for some sort of validation/vindication. I know the universe doesn't really work this way, but I feel as if I didn't deserve to be treated like that, and have the burning question of "why?" that I would like this person to answer. It is, of course, keeping me stuck. This person has shown that they have zero interest in offering me any input - either they don't want to, or they just can't. Either way, it's clear that my only option is to accept it as it is. This all happened quite a while ago, and I do, a lot of the time, feel quite embarrassed and confused as to why this is still bothering me. I still see my ex regularly, and am often tempted to approach them - although I don't even know what I'd say. My self-esteem is at its lowest, as well as my mood. I feel as if I tried really hard with this person to make things work, due to past relationships not working out - and it didn't matter, because this person messed it up anyway. I feel as if I don't know how to come back from this.

This person has blocked me everywhere - I didn't pester or harass them, yet this is the position I've been left in. I feel helpless and confused as to why I've just been discarded in this way, when all I ever was is kind to this person. I don't really know how to move forward.

Edited February 3, 2020 by PureAppleJuice

[jspice]

It’s awful when that happens but sometimes you need to give yourself closure. Is there any answer this person would give you that would make you feel better? 
 

it won’t reduce the hurt you feel. Somebody who mistreats you is not someone you want in your life. It doesn’t matter why, just that they did. 
 

It takes time. You’ll have to work through it and get over it without any input from the person. There’s no easy answer I’m afraid. 

[basil67]

I'm assuming it's the same woman as in this post?  

She can't tell you what was up with her behaviour because she's too unstable.  I bet she doesn't understand it herself.  And depending on what she's dealing with, she may not have any comprehension that she's in the wrong.  

The thing which strikes me most of all in this was how very active you were in bringing her crazy into your life.  Even when you knew she was unstable and kept creating distance and problems, you kept reaching out and pulling her back in.  Thing is, if we choose to keep putting ourselves in a toxic situation, we actually do deserve what we get.  My best advice is instead of seeing yourself as a victim to her, start looking at your own choices and see how they have contributed to where you are now.  I say this in the kindest possible way, because I too, have been where you are.  And with what I learned from it, I expect it would not happen to me again.

 

 

 

Edited February 3, 2020 by basil67

[PureAppleJuice]

@basil67

Yes, it's her I'm referring to. I think I realise that she wouldn't be able to tell me exactly why. She never struck me as someone who had a grip on any of her behaviour, anyway. 

I think that I kept trying to interact with her because in all honesty, I had never met someone like this before. As in, someone who just won't/can't change. I believed that if I acted a certain way, or if a certain amount of time passed, or if I did this/that, that she'd stop being inconsistent. From the very beginning yes, she was like this. When we actually started dating, I thought "OK, look, we're dating now, I'm making progress" but that didn't really stop her mistreatment of me and in fact, I was then exposed to some of the worst behaviour I've ever experienced from anyone. 

I agree that I made some 'bad' choices. There were many occasions when I shouldn't have interacted with her or accepted what she did, and I think it's just that my self-esteem/self-worth is quite low. There are two people I know (platonic friends) who have told me that they didn't like her behaviour, and chose to stop interacting with her. It kind of embarrassed me because they walked away very early in their interactions with this girl, yet I repeatedly went back - even after she verbally abused me in front of her family, I tried to contact her to be 'friends'. That is also the source of a lot of pain; that I am in such a place that I'd allow this mistreatment. And I agree, on some level, I can't really blame her for me being in that situation. I think in all honesty I just didn't realise people could be as difficult as she was, and kept hoping she'd change, so kept going back. 

[NomiMalone]

PureAppleJuice, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to feel unable to move on due to not knowing why someone you love could’ve treated you so badly, and the unhappiness you live with every day that doesn’t seem to go away. 

Closure is a funny thing. We expect people who’ve hurt us to give us closure, but it hardly ever works like that. The only way to get closure is to accept that whatever happened has happened, and that we must move on from it for our own good. Sometimes, finding acceptance is the hardest thing. What’s helped me the most is learning that when someone treats you badly, their behaviour is not a reflection of you, but of THEM as a crap person with a character flaw. Reinforce to yourself that they would’ve been a horrible partner anyway and you dodged a bullet by no longer being in a relationship with them. 

There’s no point trying to explain to people like that the way they made you feel - they won’t have the capacity to understand things from your perspective anyway and it will leave you feeling even worse. The best thing to do is to just walk away from the situation.

Consider it a blessing in disguise that you’ve been blocked from contacting them. You can now move on to live a happier, healthier life without them. Promise to yourself that you’ll never let toxic people remain in your life again. Once you set boundaries around how you’d like to be treated by others, your self esteem will start to grow.

And remember - living well is the best revenge!

[schlumpy]

If I remember correctly you are attending University?

Find out about traveling overseas to study a subject.

Get a job and work for a year. Re-enroll in the university and hopefully she will have moved on.

Join the military and get stationed ten thousand kilometers away form her.

You will never move on if you keep having contact with her. Please quit wasting your life and arrange it so there is as little interaction as possible.

Edited February 3, 2020 by schlumpy

[PureAppleJuice]

@schlumpy

There are 10 weeks left of my course. I am not going to leave while there is that much time left - she also doesn't own the university, and it is as much my experience as it is hers. I get what you're saying, but I wouldn't even be able to come back and study (nor do I want to work for a year and come back, when I am so close to completing it - it's not possible, either. I have used up all of my Student Finance, and would have to pay £9,000 out of my own pocket to rejoin the course, I don't have that money). I did consider all of that, leaving, etc. But it's more hassle than it's worth. The one thing I did do was change a class for this last term so I"m not seeing her as often, but that's all I'm able to do. I agree that it's more difficult to move on while she's there in front of me, and I recognise that part of this is because of her presence at the university. I'm not sure how I am 'wasting my life', I am trying to complete my degree, and yes it's unfortunate that she's there, but I don't think that equates to me 'wasting' my life. I can't travel overseas; no-one to look after my home and my pets. Not quite as simple as just leaving and coming back in a year, either. I'm not some young person with the world at my feet. I worked hard to get onto this degree, too. Not quitting for someone else. 

Edited February 3, 2020 by PureAppleJuice
Punctuation

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, PureAppleJuice said:

think that I kept trying to interact with her because in all honesty, I had never met someone like this before. As in, someone who just won't/can't change. I believed that if I acted a certain way, or if a certain amount of time passed, or if I did this/that, that she'd stop being inconsistent. From the very beginning yes, she was like this. When we actually started dating, I thought "OK, look, we're dating now, I'm making progress" but that didn't really stop her mistreatment of me and in fact, I was then exposed to some of the worst behaviour I've ever experienced from anyone. 

You have to realise that you can't change anyone.
They are who they are and if you try to change them, they may do what you want for a while but they usually revert pretty quickly back to who they really are.
The trick is to find someone who already IS who you want them to be.

[PureAppleJuice]

@elaine567

I don't think I meant 'change' in the quote you're referring to; I probably used the wrong word. Just that when most people are involved with someone, we treat them with a certain amount of decency, etc. I think I just meant that I hoped that when we actually became involved, that she'd do that for me. Guess not. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, PureAppleJuice said:

Just that when most people are involved with someone, we treat them with a certain amount of decency, etc. I think I just meant that I hoped that when we actually became involved, that she'd do that for me. 

And that's why dating someone who is unstable (as outlined in your previous posts) is so bewildering and destructive. You cannot apply the "regular" standards of behaviour, or expect them to conduct themselves as you would, because they're wired so differently. 

That's what also, in part, leads to the overwhelming disappointment when it doesn't work out. They seem to go on their merry way while the exes are often left in emotional pieces trying to make sense of it all. 

[PureAppleJuice]

@ExpatInItaly

That's true. I saw one woman a few times who suddenly stopped responding to me after we had a bit of a disastrous date, but within the end of the month I'd almost forgotten about her!  Dated someone else for a few weeks, didn't work out - was hurt for a few weeks but forgot about it very quickly. This experience was very different, and yes, as you've mentioned, has left me in emotional pieces trying to make sense of it all. So I'm able to at least see the difference in that way - that yes, this person was unstable. I don't think any romantic experience has affected me in this way, tbh. It is upsetting that she doesn't seem to care, and hasn't at least shot me a message saying "you know what, I'm sorry about how things ended:" or whatever. Instead I've just been blocked everywhere, as if I am the person that caused the issues. But you're right - and it's really hard to keep this in mind - in that trying to apply 'normal' rules to someone unstable is just pointless. 

I guess I just feel, still, very hurt. I know it was a while ago, but still. I've made a lot of progress, but it's very slow. The healing seems to be moving a fraction of the speed of any other break up I've been through. Thankfully there isn't long left on my degree and maybe once it finishes I can heal without constantly being interrupted by her physical presence - being in the same room as her, being in the same email chains from lecturers, having to give presentations in front of her etc. I don't know. 

I still am tempted to send her an email but she never responds, so really, what's the point of that. I've never known anyone like this, and most of the time I just feel really frustrated and upset that a) I fell into something like that and gave numerous chances and b) I just wanted to meet someone 'normal', I was quite happy when we started dating and tried my best to be kind and whatever else, there was literally no reason for her to do any of what she did. But that's life, I guess.

[schlumpy]

At this point it has very little to do with her. It's all about you. It's how you approach and think about things. It's about your obsession.

Have you ever considered that she isn't flicking you off her shoulder like an unwanted bug but that she has recognized that you are suffering and is doing what you cannot - which is No contact.

You see her actions as favoring her, but isn't it just as likely she is favoring you. That she could see outside the love bubble that things were headed for a train wreck and put the brakes on before that happened, knowing that you had your hand full bore on throttle?

I'm not saying she loves you but her actions have not approached the level of cruelty except in your own mind. She is not making you suffer. She is trying to end your suffering.

Please accept her gift.

 

 

[PureAppleJuice]

@schlumpy

I'd just like to address a couple of things. 

I don't think I'm obsessed. I have had around 7/8 in total romantic interactions with other people - some dates, some actual relationships. They obviously didn't work out, and I moved on in the 'usual' time. This is the only time I've felt stuck, and I know it's because of many things... the triggering of childhood trauma, the constant seeing her, the fact that she was hot/cold with me for over a year, the intensity of our relationship, the sudden overnight cut off over an anger outburst in front of her family, that I still have no idea what it was about, and many other factors. 

I really appreciate your advice and hope you don't take offence to this reply - but I think I am having a pretty proportionate response to what went on, for someone with my personal set of psychological traits, life experiences, etc. I would like to use this forum as and when I need it, as I'm not blessed with many friends and family members to open up to - apart from my counselling, this is the only real outlet I have to let things out. 

I have seen you posting on other people's threads, in which you appear very sympathetic - yet with me, you have often been very blunt/curt. Suggesting that I join the military, for example (which may not have been a literal form of advice, I get that). Using the word "obsession" to describe my experience, when I did see you comment on another person's thread and was very sympathetic with their feelings. I'm not obsessed. I've been hurt by someone, and the pain is decreasing day by day, but I am not "obsessed". I'm not sitting in a darkened room, hovering over cut-outs of her daily activity, wondering when I can go to her house, etc.

I think about her/the situation/my feelings/my life and I do feel a lot of sadness, because someone I invested time in was not worth it in the end, as they turned out to be unstable, and it's not an experience I've had before - paired with this being yet ANOTHER romantic relationship failure, I think the emotional side of things is bound to last longer. It's also hard to understand how someone could be loving, then suddenly shout at you for something you still don't understand, then end everything between you. A dual personality, if you like. That has been hard for me to understand and process. Low self-esteem has also contributed, in that I blamed myself a lot, and that was hard to work myself out of. My last thread on this incident was a while ago too, so I'm not sure where the "obsession" label comes in. 

 I feel as if you often take a sort of frustrated tone ("stop wasting your life") with my progress. I can't think why this might be, but I have to be honest in that it isn't helpful. This is of course my own perception, and I could be way off. Is it possible that you assume I'm male? Sorry, I know that was a lot to read, but I just felt I needed to say that. 

On to your most recent reply...

I hadn't looked at things from this perspective before, and perhaps that is the case. There is no reason why it shouldn't be the case; perhaps yes, she sees that as a pair things don't work, for whatever reason, and is doing the 'right thing'. And yes, I do agree that it is, at this point, about me and my own thinking/coping/feelings... it has just left me with a lot of things to work through, that's all. But perhaps she is doing all of that for the reasons you suggest. Perhaps it would be better for me to think of things that way, and it might help me to move forwards. At the end of the day though, I do need to finish uni and believe I can shake this last little bit of pain off.  

Edited February 4, 2020 by PureAppleJuice
Added a sentence

[schlumpy]

I sincerely apologize if you feel that I've been abusive. It's never my intent. I'm not all offended by your objections. 

My answers and advice are based on what I read. I also have my own experiences which may or may not allow me insight into another persons mindset.

It seemed to me that sympathy was not going get you moving forward again and that if I could just find that one thought that would allow you to regain a handhold you would do the rest yourself. It always seemed to me that you were in a pit you could not climb out of, but I only have what you write to go on and if it is only for cathartic release as you indicated and all other aspects of your life  are unaffected, then I could easily misread it.

I was not serious in suggesting you join the military. It's only an allusion to find a way to distance yourself from the object of your desire.

There are levels of obsession. There is camping at the door type and then there is the acute awareness that you are blocked on social media type. That feeling has to turn to indifference.

But I will make myself scarce since I am not contributing in a positive way.

You are a very gentle soul and I'm sure with time things will sort themselves out.

[PureAppleJuice]

@schlumpy

Thank you for taking what I've said without offence, I wasn't trying to be rude at all. 

That is true, sometimes a kind of 'tough love' approach can work, but I don't think it works for me. I already feel a lot of shame for even feeling this way at this point in time, so at times, that approach can just reinforce the negatives I feel - which isn't your fault, but that's just how it goes, for me. 

I'm only aware that I'm blocked because I tried to contact her, and it was then that she blocked me, thus, I became aware of it. 

Thank you for your input thus far, I have appreciated it.

[AIJ]

I think given the time that has already passed since, you just need to focus on getting to the end of the year at University. Once that's all done and dusted, you can really start to properly move on. Out of sight, out of mind and all that.