How to come to terms with an ex who is unwilling to accept responsibility for wrongdoing?

[PureAppleJuice]

(For clarity, we are both female)

 

I have known this girl for around two years or so, now. We attend the same university class, and so we would see each other very often. At first, her and I didn't speak, however sometimes I could see that she was looking at me from a distance or laughing at my jokes (that I was making to other people). I suppose I didn't think anything of this, although I did find her attractive.

 

One day, I asked her if she wanted to go for a coffee. I'd taken her number from the university group chat and messaged her, asking. She said yes, which surprised me. The next day we went for a coffee and we got on very well; there was a lot of chemistry between us and it felt very much like a date.

 

The next day, I saw her at university and she didn't look at me or talk to me at all. This confused me because we'd just been for that coffee where things had gone well. I think I'd even messaged her and she hadn't responded, which added to the confusion.

 

A few days later, I managed to catch up with her again and we chatted. I asked her if she wanted to do something again and I remember her saying "as friends, right?" - I found that odd as it was clear this was more than a friendly thing, but I just went along with it.

 

We then started hanging out for about a week or so. It was literally an every day thing - hanging out at uni, and outside of uni. Suddenly, she became really distant.

 

I asked her if everything was OK. She then told me that she found the feelings she was having were 'overwhelming' and that she would be taking a step back from hanging out. That same night, I remember that she messaged me constantly until around 1am, which confused me as she'd just told me she'd be taking a step back.

 

The next day the messaging continued. I then told her that I'd like to carry on hanging out with her and that I understood she was apprehensive about becoming involved with someone, but that there was no pressure, just see how things go (which is what she previously said we could do).

 

At this point, she instantly became very irritated, and wrote a very long paragraph in which she was saying things like "I've already told you what I want" and "you can't change my mind" etc. Almost angry. She also insulted my personal hygiene as a reason she didn't want to continue - this wasn't true, as there wasn't an issue with my hygiene.

 

Anyway - so she distanced herself from me. Sometimes she would come into university and completely avoid me, even though we had a very small class, she would always manage to get through the day without even looking at me or talking to me. A couple of times I messaged her and she didn't respond.

 

I remember that sometimes she would message me asking about uni work after a period of not speaking, or come in and sit with me and act 'flirty' again, and I'd always think that she was 'ready' to be friends/hang out, but she would always distance herself again.

 

At the end of that first year, I went out with her and another classmate for food. The summer break began, and I remember messaging her a couple of different times, asking if she wanted to hang out. She didn't respond, which of course, was confusing.

 

Four months after I'd last attempted contact with her, she messaged me, apologising for not being in touch. I was hesitant to reply as it was clear she was doing this hot/cold act. In fact, I remember her clearly stating in that message that we could be friends. The next day I saw her at university, she ignored me. I messaged her telling her that I was slightly confused as to why she'd said that but hadn't spoken to me at uni - she told me that she had tried to (she hadn't) but that OK, we could be friends.

 

We gradually started spending more time together and eventually became intimate, and started dating. She put a lot of emphasis on the fact that it wasn't to become a 'serious' relationship, and that she didn't want to feel 'trapped'. We spent a lot of time together, both in and out of uni.

 

In December 2018, I remember that I hadn't been able to respond to a text for a few hours as my battery had died and I'd been stuck in an area where there were no buses. When I got home I contacted her and I'd just said "Sorry, just got in, my battery died" - as not replying to messages hadn't been a thing for either of us before, I didn't expect her to have such an extreme reaction to this.

 

She became very angry, almost interrogating me over the phone about why it had taken me so long to reply. She told me that I'd been lying, that I wasn't to be trusted, that I made it all up. The more I tried to explain that what had happened was true, the angrier she became. She was then angry for a few days, then broke up with me because of this.

 

I was quite surprised at this as we seemed to have been getting closer. I'd been invited to her family home for Christmas by her mother, for instance.

 

We then didn't speak for a few weeks. I had tried to contact her a few times and she didn't respond to anything. She accused me of harassing her, despite the fact that I was very mindful of how often I was contacting her. We didn't have university so I didn't see her at all. When university started up again, she came in and didn't speak to me for a few days.

 

We then got put into the same group project and ended up talking about work, then gradually hanging out again, then dating again. This continued until one day she had an anger outburst at me in front of her entire family, and broke up with me immediately after.

 

This anger outburst came after a period in which she appeared to be getting closer to me - she was messaging me, telling me how nice of a time she'd had with me, for example. I'd never really known her to do that in the entire time I'd known her. I'd also been spending time with her family again, and her mother even said "love you!" to me after saying goodbye, one evening.

 

After all of this, she said we could be friends, but it wasn't really working out for me, and I tried to discuss this with her. She instantly became angry and began swearing, telling me she didn't want to know. We had an argument over the phone which was mostly her ranting, listing things she thought was wrong with me, and towards the end of the call became very angry and hung up, because we'd started talking about the incident at the sister's.

 

The next day she said we could "start again" and "start fresh", and that we could forget about everything. Since she said that, she has not responded to anything I've sent her, and has avoided me at university completely.

 

To be honest, this has triggered a lot of negative feelings and thoughts. I'm currently on medication and awaiting therapy. I have to see her in a few weeks, and I am not feeling that great about it.

[schlumpy]

Are you sure she doesn't have evil twin? You make this seem like a personality switch is being turned on and off in her head.

 

Why are you putting effort into a relationship where there so much verbal abuse? When people say bad things about me, especially to my face, I tend to believe it's because they don't particularly like me. It may be a bit disconcerting to me for them to approach me the next day like nothing happened but they lost their chance. I don't put myself in power of abusive people more than once and neither should you.

 

What does she represent to you that you are willing eat whatever crap sandwich she wants to make you that day?

 

This is a dangerous trend for you establish when you are so young. Find someone that's kind and caring. You will never look back.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are going to need to move on from this girl. She is not in any position to offer you the consistent, stable relationship you seek.

 

An ex of mine was quite similar, with more extreme highs and lows. It was very confusing and kept me off-balance. After a short time together, he revealed he did in fact have underlying psychological issues (supported by a diagnosis from two different doctors) The problem was that he refused any sort of treatment and was barely even willing to concede that he was a big source of the turmoil between us. I knew then that a relationship with him would be impossible to sustain.

 

Perhaps this girl has some other deeply-rooted problems you do not know about. Or, perhaps she simply isn't willing to commit and will constantly be seeking an escape hatch by keeping you at arm's length and manufacturing drama to make her exit. Whatever the reason, you would be wise to let go of her. It isn't going to work out.

[salparadise]

This anger outburst came after a period in which she appeared to be getting closer to me - she was messaging me, telling me how nice of a time she'd had with me, for example. I'd never really known her to do that in the entire time I'd known her.

 

 

You are experiencing the push-pull of someone who has identity issues. Notice how the angry stuff is triggered by getting closer, and then when you back off she reaches out. She has both the fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment, which means that there is only a narrow middle distance in which she feels comfortable. Additionally, she doesn't have the capacity to see things from your perspective (empathy) or how the hot-cold treatment affects you.

 

Regulating her own emotion is a full-time endeavor, so she's mostly self-focused... and you're getting whiplash from the constant cycling. She also needs to keep you mostly on the chasing side of the dynamic. You seem to be steady, secure and reliable, and you'd probably be a lot happier with someone who can give the same. This is just how she is. It's not like you can expect her to change by being a better partner.

[PureAppleJuice]

Thank you salparadise, ExpatInItaly and schlumpy for responding to this.

 

In answer to why I've put effort into this - at the beginning she presented herself as just being hesitant of getting involved with someone, and having never experienced someone acting like this before, I suppose I didn't realise the seriousness of it. As for the verbal insults, well, I don't know. She was very clever in manipulating the situations to make it look and feel as if I did something somewhere along the line to cause it.

 

For example, the anger outburst in front of the family - she told me that it was my fault, that I'd messed everything up, that she couldn't come back from someone disrespecting her family, that I needed to apologise. This, followed by silence, and offering me friendship as if it was something I should be grateful for after such a horrible thing I'd done, then seemingly retracting it when I couldn't follow the friendship rules she kept setting. For a long time I believed all of this was my fault.

 

As for the identity issues - I agree. We always reach the same point, which seems to be her bringing me to spend time around her family and then there's some drama that she creates, then a sudden ending. It's clear that the issues are within her. Well I say that, but sometimes I do feel as if I wasn't good enough and that is very hard to deal with. There has been a lot of depression and anxiety surrounding this, and I haven't felt very well mentally for a while, because of all this.

 

The other thing I don't understand is why she would tell me we could be friends, but then avoid me everywhere and not respond to any messages - I wasn't begging or pleading, these were mostly lighthearted messages and I just never got any response. That, to be honest, has been one of the things that's caused me the most pain. As can be seen from what I've written, she was always very explicit in telling me to leave her alone when she was angry or whatever; this time there was just silence. I don't understand it at all.

[salparadise]

The other thing I don't understand is why she would tell me we could be friends, but then avoid me everywhere and not respond to any messages - I wasn't begging or pleading, these were mostly lighthearted messages and I just never got any response. That, to be honest, has been one of the things that's caused me the most pain. As can be seen from what I've written, she was always very explicit in telling me to leave her alone when she was angry or whatever; this time there was just silence. I don't understand it at all.

 

 

It's just emotional manipulation, part of her mind-phuk game. She needs to keep you off balance, on the defensive, make you feel like you aren't good enough, keep you begging for another chance. This helps her to feel validated and in control.

 

It's important for you to understand that this isn't a conscious strategy, it's just an emotional reaction to how she feels. How does she feel? Inadequate, self-loathing. People with this issue are afraid of being discovered for who they really are, which they believe would result in rejection due to being unworthy of being loved. So they try to hold people at arm's length and still get their needs met.

 

What you need to understand is that it's not fixable. I'm going to give you something to read up on –– I don't know if she meets the criteria, but the fundamental push-pull and externalizing are consistent. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Reading up on this may give you additional insights. I am almost certain that she will meet some of the criteria, because many people do even if not enough to be considered diagnosable (which you and I shouldn't try to do anyway). I'm just saying that her behaviors seem to flow in that direction.

 

Link –– BPD

[PureAppleJuice]

@salparadise - thanks for taking the time out to share that link. I had my suspicions that it was BPD. Her and I are both on a psychology-based degree, and funnily enough BPD was one of the module topics. I read about it and it all seemed to fit - a lot of the things I read about seemed as if they were written about her!

 

It's important for you to understand that this isn't a conscious strategy, it's just an emotional reaction to how she feels. How does she feel? Inadequate, self-loathing. People with this issue are afraid of being discovered for who they really are, which they believe would result in rejection due to being unworthy of being loved. So they try to hold people at arm's length and still get their needs met.

 

The way you've written it here makes more sense than any other explanation I've tried to think about. I thought that she probably hates me, or some other issue with me, and it's been very tough to deal with.

 

I still feel like contacting her - to be honest a few months have passed and while I think I'm over the break up and past the pain of all of that, I'm worried about heading back into university and seeing her - it's likely that she'll just avoid me. She's done that to a friend she had whom she just stopped speaking to; now they simply avoid each other. I'm pretty sure she'll do that to me, and I'm not really prepared for it.

 

Other than the standard advice of "keep busy" which I intend to do anyway, the emotional side of it I think is the hardest. I am already quite low thinking about how she'll avoid me and I don't really know how to cope. I thought about reaching out to 'clear the air' but I already tried that a few times and I can't really put myself in that vulnerable position again.

[salparadise]

Other than the standard advice of "keep busy" which I intend to do anyway, the emotional side of it I think is the hardest. I am already quite low thinking about how she'll avoid me and I don't really know how to cope. I thought about reaching out to 'clear the air' but I already tried that a few times and I can't really put myself in that vulnerable position again.

 

I don't know that there is any magic formula to getting over it, but one thing that has helped me in the past is focusing on the incompatibilities, letting go, and knowing that it would've ended badly one way or the other, rather than the missing and wanting. It's not a quick fix of course, but you have to knock them off that pedestal before you can even start to heal.

 

Since you already know something about BPD and suspect that such behaviors are an issue with her, it should be relatively easy to let your rational thinking overrule the emotional. Also, accept that getting dumped is painful and difficult let in and of itself, attachment to an idealized other notwithstanding (they're separate things).

 

After my last relationship ended (in what everyone agrees was an intentionally cold hurtful manner) I came to understand (after some months) that the rejection was worse than the loss... and that was internal to me, not an external factor beyond my control.

 

Another thing I think might help... dig into the nature of BPD relationships. What you'll learn is that to them managing deficits is a full-time job. They attach but not in a healthy way. After the initial acquisition phase (during which they do a great job at faking it) they can't really see the other as more than a means of getting their needs met and filling that empty bucket. But since the bucket has a huge hole in it, it's never actually filled, and it's always going to be your fault. They use a strategy of avoiding true introspection, because the deep sense of being brokenness is intolerable, they blame external objects for how they feel, and that object would be you. That's why you were recruited... you looked like a good soldier who would be willing to take one for the team.

 

Healthy people will not stay in an unhealthy relationship. For most it would only take two or three of those angry outbursts/tantrums to realize this isn't what they signed up for and walk away. Those that do not –– longer term partners of the disordered person –– stay because it's a codependent relationship. On some level they too do not believe that they actually deserve a healthy person who meets their needs. The mental-emotional gymnastics for the codependent are basically that of accepting the big compromise... this isn't really healthy, and I'm giving way more than I'm getting (gross understatement), but maybe in time she'll appreciate how much I have sacrificed and be eternally grateful. Nope. Not going to happen. What does happen is that you cut off and dissociate parts of yourself to avoid conscious realization that you aren't getting what you need, and to keep this lopsided wheel in balance.

 

Hot women and great sex are huge motivators and attachment hooks for us guys, especially if we have a bit of fundamental insecurity ourselves. They can give us delusions of grandeur, which feels even than a brand new car! What we learn with experience though, is that our needs are much greater than that, and they're damn important.

 

A little analogy I've related a time or two... In the Bible and Talmud Jesus is quoted as saying "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (I am not religious, btw) What is meant by this exactly? I believe it's privilege that is so thoroughly integrated that it forms the basis of a belief that he (rich man) is inherently special and deserving due of his great virtue. Well, I don't think possession of this belief is unique to rich men at all –– hot women soon learn to wield power and privilege in almost the same fashion. Batting those eyelashes in a certain way can open tall doors.

 

If you take that type of integrated privilege and combine it with BPD tendencies, men will be lining up to sacrifice their emotional health and wellbeing. We think, ah, we'll sort stuff all out later... right now I'm only interested in one very specific need. Perhaps this is life presenting you with an opportunity to become wise.

[Maddie82]

This girl sounds seriously unhinged. This is not how relationships or friendships should be. They shouldn't send you into depression. It also sounds like she is in some sort of denial about her sexuality. Did her family say anything about her outburst? Please, for your own health and sanity, stay away from her. Don't let her abuse you again. You sound like a great girl and you deserve so much better.

[PureAppleJuice]

This girl sounds seriously unhinged. This is not how relationships or friendships should be. They shouldn't send you into depression. It also sounds like she is in some sort of denial about her sexuality. Did her family say anything about her outburst? Please, for your own health and sanity, stay away from her. Don't let her abuse you again. You sound like a great girl and you deserve so much better.

 

I think the sexuality thing might be an issue, too. Her father is Muslim, and she wouldn't even let me go to her AREA in case someone saw us together and outed her (that seemed really far-fetched, to me). Her mother and sister didn't care about her sexuality and met me lots of times, but perhaps you're right - I think she probably wasn't comfortable with it (I am the first female she's been romantically involved with).

 

The family didn't say anything, no. Her sister, I remember, was staring at the floor throughout - frozen to the spot and didn't appear to look up once. Didn't say a word. Sister's boyfriend timidly tried to calm her down - "perhaps we can get on with our day in here and leave all that stuff outside?" - she ignored him and carried on ranting. He then asked her not to shout by the front door, in the same timid manner. She didn't really seem to listen.

 

I got the vibe that they were all scared of her; when we arrived, they all complimented her on her hair. I made a passing (nice and not offensive) comment on how I thought it would look nice with perhaps a bit of thinning out on the top, and the three of them turned to look at me as if I'd told them to murder her, or something. I remember thinking OK, this is odd. I think they are tip-toeing around her a lot.

 

I haven't had that many friendships and the two relationships before this one ended with me getting hurt, so I was wary of becoming involved with someone again. But you're right - this is not how things should be. Even if my mood was a little off that day, I don't think erupting into anger in front of people is the way to handle it at all. She took it to another level altogether. It makes me sad that she did that. I honestly didn't care that she was annoyed at me, but to do it all in front of her family and then threaten me with the police if I didn't leave? No. That's too much. She seems to have no understanding of boundaries or respect.

 

I have been NC for a while and don't intend to engage with her again, although I must admit it is hard.

 

But thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it more than you know.

Edited August 30, 2019 by PureAppleJuice

[ExpatInItaly]

If her family barely reacted to her outburst, then they've seen them before. A lot. And they're afraid of setting her off, too.

 

My ex's family behaved in a similar manner around him. That was one of my first clues that he'd been having such rage attacks for a long time, and it was "old news" to them, so to speak. They were largely silent while he went on absurd rants, and I realized it was because they had learned that arguing back was futile and only going escalate things.

 

She isn't a stable person, OP. Perhaps someday she will mellow out, or get some help. Or, if she is like my ex, she might not. In any event, remind yourself that red flags exist for a reason and be sure to heed them next time.

 

Be civil when you see her at school but don't try to be friends with her. It will not help in you in your healing.

[PureAppleJuice]

@ExpatInItaly thanks for replying.

 

That's what I thought; I was also upset that no-one really stepped in, but I guess why would they.

 

It's sad that she turned out to be this way. I had liked her for a while before we even dated, and when we began dating I was like - wow, I can't believe it's happening. Then it just went south, and I feel like I've been left with nothing.

 

I see her in four weeks and part of me thinks she'll come back - because of how she's been in the past and how she's admitted to 'recycling' people and relationships. But then I know what she is like, so I can't really go there again.

 

As for being friends - no, I don't feel ready or think I should be friends with someone who does things like that to me, anyway. Still feels sad - I haven't met many people during my life that I've connected with, and the times when she wasn't being mean things did feel good. But I guess that's not enough.

[PureAppleJuice]

I am really trying to accept that things are over between us. I have really contorted my mind into the reality that we won’t speak again, that there’s nothing here for her anymore. I can’t even really articulate what I think or feel anymore. I still feel very strongly drawn to her and often I want to contact her – surely after this amount of time, her anger/overwhelming thoughts and feelings must have died down? – but I don’t know what I’d say, and in reality I am tired of pursuing her.

 

A friend I got in touch with said she can't believe that my ex ended things over “nothing”. I agree, I feel as if I was cut out of my exes life for no real tangible reason. I get it - exes don't talk after breaking up. This isn't my first relationship. But this is just odd - the break up came after something that didn't need to happen, that could have been sorted out.

 

Two of my friends also think there’s a very real possibility that my ex will engage with me at university – which has been her pattern in the past. I also think there’s a slight possibility of it, too. But I also feel that this uni thing is my last chance. I don’t even know if I want to be with my ex again, but this cutting-off that has been performed on me feels very unfair and unjust, and just confusing.

 

If she doesn’t speak to me at uni, then I don’t know. There isn’t anything I can do about that. I have thought about dating other people but I just can’t – it feels very strange to consider that. I suppose I just feel stuck, still. I wonder whether my ex even thinks about me, or regrets any of this, or what. Maybe not.

 

It feels as if all these emotions go around in circles. Sometimes I don't care, sometimes I feel like I'm deeply in love with her, sometimes I'm angry. It's draining and unlike anything I've experienced before. I had relationships of 2.5 years come to an end and be over them within three months. Thankfully I've got an assessment with a DA counselling service in a couple of weeks. Things have been so difficult and confusing, and my friends mean well but there's a lot of this that they just don't get.

[schlumpy]

Go to the chump ladies website and look up the 180. If anyone needs to follow this program it's you.

[PureAppleJuice]

The 180? Is that the list of actions I've just seen, such as don't beg or plead?

 

I'm not sure if that applies to me or would be that helpful. I recognise that I have other problems that are probably causing my continued attachment to this person... those things on the 180 seem very surface-level, to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

A friend I got in touch with said she can't believe that my ex ended things over “nothing”. I agree, I feel as if I was cut out of my exes life for no real tangible reason. I get it - exes don't talk after breaking up. This isn't my first relationship. But this is just odd - the break up came after something that didn't need to happen, that could have been sorted out.

 

This is how it goes with unstable people, OP. And your ex, based on your description, sounds quite unstable indeed.

 

You won't be able to find logic in it.

[preraph]

I'm just going to the root of it. From the very beginning, she made clear she was only interested in you as a friend. Very lukewarm. Once that happens, best to move on. She doesn't have a strong attraction for you. She has family culture conflicts. Lord knows what her childhood was like. She probably really just wanted a friend but knew the only way to keep you as one was to progress into intimacy.

[PureAppleJuice]

I'm just going to the root of it. From the very beginning, she made clear she was only interested in you as a friend. Very lukewarm. Once that happens, best to move on.

 

Hmm. This is an interesting view and one I haven't really thought about. She did say that she mentioned the friends thing as a 'cover', and that she had been attracted to me for a while - she would often joke about marriage in the first few days of us hanging out, for example. There was no reason for me to think or believe that she only wanted to be friends. She didn't act the way she acted with me with other people in the class, including her other close friend. I am not disagreeing with you, and I think there might even be some validity to what you're saying. But I have experienced people wanting to be just friends before, and it didn't feel the way this felt - her actions and things she would say seemed as if she wanted to be more than friends.

 

She doesn't have a strong attraction for you. She has family culture conflicts. Lord knows what her childhood was like. She probably really just wanted a friend but knew the only way to keep you as one was to progress into intimacy.

 

Yeah, I think I realise now that I am not what she wants. As well as the family culture issues and childhood, yeah, there's a lot going on there. Maybe she did only want a friend, I honestly don't know. All I know is that this has really affected me, and I feel like I'm just constantly holding everything in. I don't even know why or how this has affected me so much - and now I have to go and see her three times a week at uni, and I really don't know how I'm meant to manage this, emotionally (or even mentally, tbh). I'm quite honest in that I am not 100% mentally stable at the minute due to the stress of all of this, and being in that place with her isn't going to help, lol

[preraph]

I did not go back and re-read everything about you being in class or seeing her all the time, so forgive me if I get it wrong. But if you are just running into her in college classes why not transfer to different classes so that you're not in the same ones with her?

 

Next semester make sure you are not in any. If you can transfer any of them this semester do it.

[PureAppleJuice]

I did not go back and re-read everything about you being in class or seeing her all the time, so forgive me if I get it wrong. But if you are just running into her in college classes why not transfer to different classes so that you're not in the same ones with her?

 

Next semester make sure you are not in any. If you can transfer any of them this semester do it.

 

 

That's OK, there's a lot there to take in. As for changing classes, it's not possible the way the degree is set up: you're in the class & year you're in, and that's it.

[PureAppleJuice]

This is how it goes with unstable people, OP. And your ex, based on your description, sounds quite unstable indeed.

 

You won't be able to find logic in it.

 

I guess not. And believe me I've tried to find some sort of logic but I can't.

[ExpatInItaly]

I guess not. And believe me I've tried to find some sort of logic but I can't.

 

You never really will. Take it from someone who's been there.

 

This isn't worth your angst. She isn't the girl you're going to enjoy a healthy and lasting relationship with.

[PureAppleJuice]

Went back to uni last week. She was acting withdrawn, quiet - not speaking to anyone in class, which is not how she usually acts. She had done that before, and it turned out she was feeling sad/anxious and was responsive to me when I'd reached out.

 

This behaviour also made it awkward in class, people kept asking me what was wrong with her etc. I had to keep explaining that we don't talk anymore. It's also awkward because she and I didn't really speak to anyone else and now neither her nor I have anyone to speak to / hang out with say, during breaks in lectures, etc.

 

So, I reached out. I sent a message saying "hey, how are you?". I was immediately blocked. Of course this hurt because I don't believe I've done anything to her, and I really get that people don't have to talk, and we've been apart for a while, etc. I get that. I don't think I would have reached out if I hadn't seen her, or if she hadn't have done this before. I realise that reaching out was a mistake, but I can't beat myself up about it.

 

Reasons for reaching out I guess were to see if we could talk, remain civil due to being in the same really small space three times a week, lessen the awkwardness, whatever else. I don't think it was to get back together, tbh.

 

Over the summer, things were complicated for me because while I was trying my best to move on, I knew that I would have to be around her again and I knew that this would impact my healing, which it has done. In all honesty, it's thrown me right back to where I was.

 

I know there could be several reasons for the blocking, but I really didn't expect her to do that, especially as she was the person who caused the pain and messed things up and hurt me. It's not as if I was the person who did stuff to her.

 

I suppose I don't really get why she'd block me, but hey.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know there could be several reasons for the blocking, but I really didn't expect her to do that, especially as she was the person who caused the pain and messed things up and hurt me. It's not as if I was the person who did stuff to her.

 

Again, you are underestimating the significance of her emotional instability. You're applying your own logic to someone who has shown you that she thinks completely differently from you. As I said before, you won't be able to make sense of her behaviour. In her head, it doesn't matter that she is one who caused you pain - she will find a way to make it your fault.

 

Let this be the final confirmation that you cannot and should not remain in any contact with her.

 

And honestly, it's better for you that she has blocked you. Why? If she had responded neutrally or positively, you would have had hope for a reconciliation again. However, it wouldn't be long before she once again flipped the script and sent you packing. You would have just been in for more of the same heartache and your healing would have taken even longer. It is better for you that all hope is gone now. There is no future with her, even as friends.

Edited October 12, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[PureAppleJuice]

Again, you are underestimating the significance of her emotional instability. You're applying your own logic to someone who has shown you that she thinks completely differently from you. As I said before, you won't be able to make sense of her behaviour. In her head, it doesn't matter that she is one who caused you pain - she will find a way to make it your fault.

 

Let this be the final confirmation that you cannot and should not remain in any contact with her.

 

Yes. I keep searching for logical conclusions to this. Ever since I've known her, whenever she'd go silent it would always make me feel as if I'd done something to cause it - because in my head, people don't just block/disappear. There needs to be a tangible reason. You are right, though. Again, in the entire time I've known her there's never been any sense made of any of this. Just when I thought I'd established a pattern in this, it's all changed.

 

And honestly, it's better for you that she has blocked you. Why? If she had responded neutrally or positively, you would have had hope for a reconciliation again. However, it wouldn't be long before she once again flipped the script and sent you packing. You would have just been in for more of the same heartache and your healing would have taken even longer. It is better for you that all hope is gone now. There is no future with her, even as friends.

 

 

I agree with this. It is better in general that we don't speak. I'd always hoped she would see the error of her ways, or feel remorse towards me, or something. But there is nothing. I wouldn't really want to be friends with her, she is too inconsistent and I'm not ready emotionally to hear about people she's seeing, etc.