emerald86 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 I've dated a guy for about six months. I know it wasn't all that long or serious, but it was probably the most intense and wonderful thing that I have ever experienced (And I have had two serious relationships in the past). The good times were extremely good--whenever we were together, it was truly exhilarating. We had so much fun. We ended things about one month ago, and I'm still trying to get over it. I didn't think it would hit me so hard but I've been having lots of trouble moving on. The main issue was this: I suddenly moved over to a new place a few hours away (a nice new job opportunity), and that would have made our relationship long distance. I don't know if this is what caused him to want to move things very quickly, but that's what it felt like. He talked a lot about us getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. It seems like that's what he really wanted (right away, in fact), whereas I wasn't quite there yet. I didn't understand how I could make such a big decision so quickly, and ultimately I told him this. The pressure really got to me at one point, and I didn't even realize it at the time but I started pulling away a little bit. I honestly didn't even do it on purpose, and I didn't think it was that obvious. But this really hurt him, and he suddenly ended things one day. I didn't even see it coming! One day he phoned me out of the blue and told me that he wasn't sure if this would work...I didn't argue with him or even say anything in response. I just held back tears and agreed. Truth be told, it wasn't all great 100% of the time though. There were many times where I felt like I just couldn't be myself around him. There were times he made sarcastic comments that I didn't really like. And most importantly, when I did something he didn't like or agree with, he would keep his opinions to himself and act a little passive aggressively. He wasn't completely open with me all the time. I wish he had communicated his frustrations more openly, rather than sending subtly sarcastic messages and things like that. Anyway, I thought that after a month I'd be able to move on from this and accept what happened. But I haven't. I guess I'm still looking for answers from him. Does it make any sense now to reach out to him and talk about it? I guess a part of me wants him to tell me that he's done for good and is never looking back...maybe then I'll finally be able to let go and move on.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 No, it makes no sense to reach out to him ... other than to recreate what was a bad relationship. You lay out all the problems here. Keep your mind focused on all the dysfunctions and problems of the relationship. Talking to him will do nothing. This guy has no insight ... or particular wisdom, as you describe him. You might as well talk to a rock. Sounds like wants to get married. I'm guessing he talked about liking you in the context of stopping you from moving. Write out all the ways you were unhappy ... and get involved in the rest of your life. You can reach out of course, but all that's going to happen ... is that he will come to visit you ... and want to sleep with you ... and he'll be his same self. And you won't have resolved the long distance and you won't resolve his desire to move faster than you want to move. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 9 hours ago, emerald86 said: I guess I'm still looking for answers from him. Does it make any sense now to reach out to him and talk about it? I guess a part of me wants him to tell me that he's done for good and is never looking back...maybe then I'll finally be able to let go and move on. I don't think you're going to get the answers you're seeking, really. What questions do you want to ask him, exactly? And I would ask yourself how much you really miss him and this specific relationship, versus how much you miss just having someone around in general. I say that because you acknowledge you felt he was moving too quickly and you retreated in response. There was clearly a disconnect and something was telling you to pump the brakes.
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 What else do you want? You already articulated why this didn't work: 1, you moved farther away. 2. he was prematurely pushing for marriage & you weren't ready for that. 3. You couldn't be yourself around him. 4. He was sarcastic. It was 6 months. It wasn't 100% great. You have the answers. You just hoped that the good intense times would have been enough to overcome the bad stuff. They weren't. You know this. Talking to him isn't going to get you more info. You probably applied more introspection to this then he did. Throw yourself into your great new job.
schlumpy Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 Not once did you mention love. You were not in the same stage of the life. He was ready to settle for one person and you are not. That's a deal breaker for you. He was smart enough to recognize that he couldn't convince you especially after you ran away, so he ended it. Let him find someone he can move to the next stage with. You are not it. There are lots of guys just looking for a good time. Your plate will be full.
elaine567 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 I agree with Schlumpy. He was looking to settle down, you chose your career and moved away forcing a LDR situation. It was not an LDR situation with an end point, which many can put up with, it was you moving away indefinitely. Few want to sign up for an indefinite LDR arrangement. Here, he decided to cut his losses and broke up with you. 1
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