Instagram.

[dramallama]

13 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

 I think it comes down to realizing and truly believing that your boyfriend chose you and only wants to be with you because he finds you to be beautiful to him. And not only your looks, but all the other parts about you. Your personality, your little quirks, your voice, scent, everything is what he is in love with. Not this girl. So he may find her attractive. But he chooses you each day. Another’s positive attributes should never detract from your own.

 

I second this! Do you and your guy ever talk about what you like about each other? You could make it some kind of game. When we had our conflict my guy made sure to tell me at great length all the things he likes about me - none of which was superficial and all of which made me realise that despite looks being a factor for sure, it was going to take more than a pretty girl to turn his head.

You can also talk to each other about special moments, when you first met, things like that - all those things should deepen your intimacy and give you reassurance about WHY he is with YOU and only YOU. It's pretty powerful hearing someone describe the first time they met you (assuming it was a good moment!), the things they remember, etc.

You need to build your confidence / self-esteem and not let this one particular woman trigger you :-)

[Mystery4u]

Having read the whole thread I think the main problem here is you do not trust him for whatever reason. You need to work on your self confidence to not be so affected by who he looks at on social media.

[acapelo_dp]

1 hour ago, Mystery4u said:

Having read the whole thread I think the main problem here is you do not trust him for whatever reason. You need to work on your self confidence to not be so affected by who he looks at on social media.

I appreciate your opinion but I do trust him, it's not about me thinking he's going to go out and cheat or lack of trust. I have never had that fear and obviously he is still going to see her in person for hair cuts lol. I don't care about that. 

It stems from insecurity about my own looks and self esteem which I have to work on. I compare too much. 

[acapelo_dp]

5 hours ago, dramallama said:

 

I second this! Do you and your guy ever talk about what you like about each other? You could make it some kind of game. When we had our conflict my guy made sure to tell me at great length all the things he likes about me - none of which was superficial and all of which made me realise that despite looks being a factor for sure, it was going to take more than a pretty girl to turn his head.

You can also talk to each other about special moments, when you first met, things like that - all those things should deepen your intimacy and give you reassurance about WHY he is with YOU and only YOU. It's pretty powerful hearing someone describe the first time they met you (assuming it was a good moment!), the things they remember, etc.

You need to build your confidence / self-esteem and not let this one particular woman trigger you 🙂

That game sounds like a cute idea. Thanks for the ideas I appreciate it. 

[Kyra]

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I am not comfortable with the liking bikini pictures...

It's not about cheating in the slightest. I see it almost as like porn fantasy I guess. Like being able to see her half naked when he wants despite her just being his hair dresser. It's uncomfortable to me especially since he finds her hot. I don't worry about him actually cheating. 

I guess I just don't understand how no one has ever felt insecure at some point in a relationship and how they dealt with it. I compare myself to other women naturally and I'm my own worst critic so when I'm in that mode it's hard to get out of it.  It sucks. 

insecurities are very common. Often we get caught up in our own but can't understand those of others. If you were worried that he would cheat on you with her I'd say your fear was irrational but sort of understandable. When you say you trust him but feel insecure about these pics anyway I am confused. What is it you fear?

The thing about insecurities and jealousy is that most of the time it is irrational and rooted in our fears. We need to look at our insecurities and the things that trigger it, rationally and critically without emotion. See what the fear really is and decide whether there are any real grounds for our concerns. If not, the onus is on us to work on our insecurities, not expect our partner to stop everything they are doing to avoid triggering us (I'll come back to this). I suggest you look into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It can help you see negative thoughts for what they are and gives practical ways to deal with them. It takes practice though!

Keep your focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. The positive feedback he gives you. The fact that he's planning a future with you. This is says a lot more than whether or not he likes pictures of women in bikinis. It's human nature to over focus on the negative, especially those that trigger our fears. It comes from a time when our fears included being eaten by a lion (for example) so being hyper-vigilant to things that made us anxious was a survival trait. These days that trait often causes us more harm than good and we need to fight it.

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And for some reason this particular girl on instagram triggers me due to me feeling like she's unprofessional. 

Maybe it is unprofessional of her, but in this day and age it doesn't surprise or shock me. I would guess that like many young women these days she's an attention-whore. I bet she asks everyone she meets to follow her because some people get their validation from the numbers of followers and likes they have. Even if this is unprofessional that shouldn't be any concern of yours since she's not your hairdresser nor employee.

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 I still don't mind of he gets hair cuts from her which I told him I would just prefer he not be able to see her half naked afterwards. Does that make sense? Lol. 

No, that doesn't make sense to me at all. What are you afraid of?

[Kyra]

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I mean if he is a really good guy and he sees it bothers you I think he should take it upon himself to be like “look, babe, if it bothers you, I’ll just unfollow her. But I like her haircuts” (if he does) I mean there is thoughtfulness there, because unfollowing her should be nbd when considering your feelings. However you have to wonder where it will end. Any attractive girl he meets? Put those horse blinders on his eyes so he can’t see all the attractive women out In public? 

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How do I get him to be more emphathetic? I try and explain my reasonings and rational and if he doesn't think it's reasonable or rational he doesn't see a concern. 

Yes, it would be ideal in a way if he emphasized and changed his behaviour to make you more comfortable. He did this for you when you asked him to stop liking bikini photos so he demonstrated there that he cares about how you feel. 

Now when you ask him to unfollow her, I would think he finds it irrational because he can't emphasize. He might sympathize and feel sad that you are sad or anxious but he can empathize which is to feel what you are feeling because he can't understand it, and I expect he never will. I believe you said he - like most men - is more rational and less emotional in his thinking, and he doesn't have your insecurities so he'll never really understand.

He probably didn't think you asking him to stop liking bikini pictures was rational either but he gave you want you wanted. Then you ask for another irrational thing and he baulks at doing what you ask because where will it end? If he did this now you'd be happy for a while but later there'll be a new trigger (if you don't deal with your insecurities any way other than avoidance) and you'll expect him to stop some other behaviour that makes you anxious. His reaction wasn't ideal but just as human as yours.

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It's like if he feels his identity being a good boyfriend is decreased to attacked at all he defends and attacks. I'm not sure why. 

That's just human nature. We should all word our concerns to our partners very carefully so they don't feel attacked or blamed. Once we trigger them to feel defensive, we can't really have a constructive discussion.

The points made about having ground-rules for discussion (bring them in during discussion so it doesn't become an argument!) and explaining to him how to make you feel supported even when he doesn't understand your fear or thinks it's sill - are very good ideas

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The thing is I don't know how to overcome it while getting his support. I don't know what I need from him, it's not validation. He says I'm cute and sexy a lot on his own without being asked and he is loving. I can't pin point it exactly because I am not this way most of the time. I do struggle with anxiety in general but I don't think that has anything to do with this. 

You need to do some deep thinking about the things that trigger your anxiety and why, and figure out how to address them without resorting to avoidance (that is, asking him to stop reasonable behaviour).

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I can understand that now but I can't really help my feelings on this one. They are there and I have to acknowledge them.

Again, look into CBT - this is about addressing our negative thoughts and dealing with them before they trigger our emotions. You can change the way you feel. You can read about CBT and try it on your own, or you can talk to a therapist who can take you through it

[HappySenior]

Speaking from experience, if a man does things like this and then argues with you and calls you insecure when you raise the issue (and further manipulates you to leave him alone about it) he is being selfish pretty much and anything you ask of him he doesn't want to do will get this sort of treatment.  If two people love each other, they do not want to do things that hurt or even irritate each other and while discussion may be necessary... manipulation shows they do not want to discuss it and find a compromise that both will be happy with.

If you are shut down over this, it will be something else. At some point, certain men (and certain women) try to put off all "control" by their significant others, not realizing that years of resentment about what they do will lead to one of two things: incessant arguing about what they are doing OR constant resentment by the other, eventually leading to a break up anyway.

So to that I say, if he isn't will to compromise or lose this one "friendship" or at least discuss the parameters of this friendship, that means it is more important than you are to him. (Or his independence is.... A good relationship is "interdependent") That's not a good basis for permanence.

It only takes a few years of this kind of boundary crossing for a marriage to end. I have been on both sides of the issue.
Others may disagree, but I have been there and back and when people cross boundaries and are not willing to stop, they are showing you where you are in their value system.

[preraph]

^ Yes.  It's utter disrespect.  

[smackie9]

It would be different if he was following her and all she was posting was, her fashioning different hairstyles or showing off some of her work and the OP complained just on the fact he was following his hairdresser because she's  female....but it's different when the IG content from this woman is more on the sexual level, flirty, bikini, provocative. If my husband was following something like that on IG, there would be words about it for sure.

[Bobbyb82]

17 hours ago, HappySenior said:

Speaking from experience, if a man does things like this and then argues with you and calls you insecure when you raise the issue (and further manipulates you to leave him alone about it) he is being selfish pretty much and anything you ask of him he doesn't want to do will get this sort of treatment.  If two people love each other, they do not want to do things that hurt or even irritate each other and while discussion may be necessary... manipulation shows they do not want to discuss it and find a compromise that both will be happy with.

If you are shut down over this, it will be something else. At some point, certain men (and certain women) try to put off all "control" by their significant others, not realizing that years of resentment about what they do will lead to one of two things: incessant arguing about what they are doing OR constant resentment by the other, eventually leading to a break up anyway.

So to that I say, if he isn't will to compromise or lose this one "friendship" or at least discuss the parameters of this friendship, that means it is more important than you are to him. (Or his independence is.... A good relationship is "interdependent") That's not a good basis for permanence.

It only takes a few years of this kind of boundary crossing for a marriage to end. I have been on both sides of the issue.
Others may disagree, but I have been there and back and when people cross boundaries and are not willing to stop, they are showing you where you are in their value system.

How can you actually read the thread and think this is the guys fault/problem?  The OP just said that it stems from her own self image issues and from comparing herself to the hair dresser..  What if the next time it is the girl in the checkout line at the grocery store, then the bank teller... where does it stop?

[Bobbyb82]

53 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It would be different if he was following her and all she was posting was, her fashioning different hairstyles or showing off some of her work and the OP complained just on the fact he was following his hairdresser because she's  female....but it's different when the IG content from this woman is more on the sexual level, flirty, bikini, provocative. If my husband was following something like that on IG, there would be words about it for sure.

Yes, I would get that even...if she had a problem with him seeing her in person.  Which she has stated she does not.

[HappySenior]

36 minutes ago, Bobbyb82 said:

How can you actually read the thread and think this is the guys fault/problem?  The OP just said that it stems from her own self image issues and from comparing herself to the hair dresser..  What if the next time it is the girl in the checkout line at the grocery store, then the bank teller... where does it stop?

If it appears to be -every- woman, that may be a concern and a possible reason for exit. However, if it is few (or in this case one) particular ladies, it could be that the SO in question is picking up a "vibe" from the other that something is in the works vis a' vis attraction. Posting bikini pics to clients is unprofessional behavior (unless you're a hooker or an escort). If it's the girl at the checkout line posting bikini pics and inviting my guy to look, that is also unprofessional and a definite come-on.  People doing that kind of behavior are giving out a signal that they are "looking" and the people friending them on that basis are "looking back". 

When a person uses the line "where does it stop", that says they are worried about "control".  That means they are not clued into "inter-dependency".  Note I said "inter", not "co" and not "independence".  Someone wanting complete independence is not ready for a relationship in which they value their significant other over other people.

As for the OP - females, more than males, are often trained from birth to blame themselves for anything that goes wrong. Especially when men find it easy to say things like "you're too sensitive" etc. to a woman who is telling them their boundaries are not appropriate.

I don't believe it is appropriate for *anyone*, male or female, to have intimate looking pics of someone they are in a "business" relationship with. And if you (male or female) have skin pics of someone who is not your SO (unless you are single), that is disrespectful to your SO.

Like I said, I have been on BOTH sides of this issue and used to have inappropriate boundaries. Lost someone valuable over it - studied it - and learned the error of my ways. I will never do so again and won't tolerate someone who hasn't learned yet.

She also said she doesn't have a problem with her guy getting his hair cut from that woman.  From my perspective, that looks like a pretty fair case of security. She just doesn't want her boyfriend looking at the woman's unprofessional posted photos. (I've read secrets online and learned just how many guys use pictures of women they know to get themselves off to.  It's a little unnerving really.)

Edited February 5, 2020 by HappySenior

[Bobbyb82]

6 minutes ago, HappySenior said:

If it appears to be -every- woman, that may be a concern and a possible reason for exit. However, if it is few (or in this case one) particular ladies, it could be that the SO in question is picking up a "vibe" from the other that something is in the works vis a' vis attraction. Posting bikini pics to clients is unprofessional behavior (unless you're a hooker or an escort). If it's the girl at the checkout line posting bikini pics and inviting my guy to look, that is also unprofessional and a definite come-on.  People doing that kind of behavior are giving out a signal that they are "looking" and the people friending them on that basis are "looking back". 

When a person uses the line "where does it stop", that says they are worried about "control".  That means they are not clued into "inter-dependency".  Note I said "inter", not "co" and not "independence".  Someone wanting complete independence is not ready for a relationship in which they value their significant other over other people.

As for the OP - females, more than males, are often trained from birth to blame themselves for anything that goes wrong. Especially when men find it easy to say things like "you're too sensitive" etc. to a woman who is telling them their boundaries are not appropriate.

I don't believe it is appropriate for *anyone*, male or female, to have intimate looking pics of someone they are in a "business" relationship with. And if you (male or female) have skin pics of someone who is not your SO (unless you are single), that is disrespectful to your SO.

Like I said, I have been on BOTH sides of this issue and used to have inappropriate boundaries. Lost someone valuable over it - studied it - and learned the error of my ways. I will never do so again and won't tolerate someone who hasn't learned yet.

She also said she doesn't have a problem with her guy getting his hair cut from that woman.  From my perspective, that looks like a pretty fair case of security. She just doesn't want her boyfriend looking at the woman's unprofessional posted photos. (I've read secrets online and learned just how many guys use pictures of women they know to get themselves off to.  It's a little unnerving really.)

She wasn't sending the pics directly to him... Do you know how instagram works?   If it was dm's I'd understand

[HappySenior]

6 minutes ago, Bobbyb82 said:

She wasn't sending the pics directly to him... Do you know how instagram works?   If it was dm's I'd understand

Yes I do. That they are friends on instagrams means she wants him to SEE her photos.  Granted that is not an exclusive privilege - but it is still an invitation to see how attractive she is in skimpy clothing she does not wear at work.  Why would I as a woman invite a man to view me in skimpy clothing outside my professional capacity? 

The hairdresser is not doing anything inappropriate (assuming she is single).  The boyfriend shouldn't be friends with her if he is in a committed relationship, mostly BECAUSE the hairdresser seems to be inviting.

The reverse would be if your girlfriend had a male personal trainer and is friends with him on instagram where he is posting photos of him in a speedo. Is that a professional relationship? I don't think so and it is also inappropriate.

Edited February 5, 2020 by HappySenior

[Bobbyb82]

4 minutes ago, HappySenior said:

Yes I do. That they are friends on instagrams means she wants him to SEE her photos.  Granted that is not an exclusive privilege - but it is still an invitation to see how attractive she is in skimpy clothing she does not wear at work.  Why would I as a woman invite a man to view me in skimpy clothing outside my professional capacity? 

The hairdresser is not doing anything inappropriate (assuming she is single).  The boyfriend shouldn't be friends with her if he is in a committed relationship, mostly BECAUSE the hairdresser seems to be inviting.

The reverse would be if your girlfriend had a male personal trainer and is friends with him on instagram where he is posting photos of him in a speedo. Is that a professional relationship? I don't think so and it is also inappropriate.

I seriously doubt she had him in mind when she posted those pics..   We'll just agree to disagree on most of what you posted.

[acapelo_dp]

3 hours ago, Bobbyb82 said:

How can you actually read the thread and think this is the guys fault/problem?  The OP just said that it stems from her own self image issues and from comparing herself to the hair dresser..  What if the next time it is the girl in the checkout line at the grocery store, then the bank teller... where does it stop?

Wow. It would not result in other women in public, he checks out women occasionally and I say nothing. That's a hard assumption. And I believe she doesn't wear a bikini while he cuts his hair. 

[HappySenior]

2 hours ago, Bobbyb82 said:

I seriously doubt she had him in mind when she posted those pics..   We'll just agree to disagree on most of what you posted.

Yes we'll agree to disagree.
I agree the hairdresser probably didn't have him specifically in mind when posting the pics. She posted them for the benefit of any male she might be attracted to. Inviting him specifically to that account (along with others she might be attracted to) shows there is an attraction. I doubt she is inviting each and every male she meets to view her instagram. (Not if she's mentally healthy, anyway.)

Definitely an attraction based scenario.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, HappySenior said:

She posted them for the benefit of any male she might be attracted to. 

I disagree that this is the only reason she may do it.   She could also be looking to become an 'influencer'.   Yes, it's wanky, but like it or not, there's also a lot of money to be made for those who have many followers.   

Or she's just a show-off and likes to put nice photos of her looking good out there.   

[acapelo_dp]

6 minutes ago, HappySenior said:

Yes we'll agree to disagree.
I agree the hairdresser probably didn't have him specifically in mind when posting the pics. She posted them for the benefit of any male she might be attracted to. Inviting him specifically to that account (along with others she might be attracted to) shows there is an attraction. I doubt she is inviting each and every male she meets to view her instagram. (Not if she's mentally healthy, anyway.)

Definitely an attraction based scenario.

Well he did admit on his end as well that he followed her because he was single and thought she was hot so why not. And he had liked every one of her pictures before we met. Granted he did stop liking them when we got together. 

But anyways, he did follow her again but he muted her posts and stories so that he won't be able to see them going forward. He then asked me if I wanted him to mute anyone else (genuinely asking, not out of being angry or upset) and I told him no and thanked him for muting her. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, HappySenior said:

That they are friends on instagrams means she wants him to SEE her photos.  

This is a stretch.  I have instagram and I don't specifically 'want' anyone to see my photos.  Rather, I am allowing them to see my photos if they wish.   There is a big difference between the two.

Edited February 5, 2020 by basil67

[Bobbyb82]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I disagree that this is the only reason she may do it.   She could also be looking to become an 'influencer'.   Yes, it's wanky, but like it or not, there's also a lot of money to be made for those who have many followers.   

Or she's just a show-off and likes to put nice photos of her looking good out there.   

I would say that is more than likely...

[HappySenior]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is a stretch.  I have instagram and I don't specifically 'want' anyone to see my photos.  Rather, I am allowing them to see my photos if they wish.   There is a big difference between the two.

Curious. So do you invite everyone to friend your account to see them, or do you pick and choose who to invite?
What is your criteria for "friending"? Why would anyone wish to see someone's bikini photos if they were not attracted?

I have an instagram account but don't use it except to see my daughter and grand-daughter's photos (not bikini pics).
I have "criteria" for friending people on facebook; usually people I know pretty well or we have an interest or issue in common.
While I am open to dating (but not looking as I am really busy) I don't think I would even invite a person I was dating to friend my account unless I had formed what felt to be a pretty serious (and stable) relationship. 

[HappySenior]

I suppose because of my age (early 60's) I just don't "get" the thinking that just because someone is attractive, they are qualified to influence other people. Even when I was younger and fairly attractive body-wise (pre childbirth and weight gain), I wouldn't have shown that much skin to anyone I didn't want to attract.

But then, I don't follow celebrities either - I don't believe they are more qualified (and oftentimes even less so) to offer opinions than the rest of us.
As for "influencers". As it happens I am trying to create a web site for that very thing - however I am doing that based on creative ideas and interests, not on my appearance. 
Appearance doesn't last and I feel building any sort of business or relationship based on that is like building on sand... It will disappear with little left to hold onto.