Author acapelo_dp Posted February 3, 2020 Author Posted February 3, 2020 16 minutes ago, kendahke said: But you do--so what is he doing consistently to keep her out of his intimate space in his head? Has he decided to find another hair cutter or barber shop to put you more at ease? No he hasn't decided that as he said she does a good job on his hair, which she does. I honestly don't mind him going to her for hair cuts but her exposing herself on social media in my opinion makes me uncomfortable because he is seeing a different side of her that is sexy IMO. She hasn't accepted his follow back yet and we both kind of laughed about it he said "guess I have to find a new hairdresser" but it was more of a joke. I think the muting is fine because then he doesn't see her stories or posts unless he searches for her.
dramallama Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 16 hours ago, acapelo_dp said: I think I am just going to not pay attention to instagram going forward. Good! This! Don't torture yourself! I know it's hard not to sometimes... my guy is a producer and uses instagram as a way to talk to his studio clients rather than handing his phone number out all the time, and at first it used to rattle me that these attractive ladies would pop up on his friend list liking all his pictures, but I've learnt over time that if it's a new client she'll stay around for a while and he'll unfriend her when they're done working together; and if she's just a random who has added him because he's attractive, he kicks them off his follower list within days. Point being - I don't need to expend any of my time or attention on his instagram behaviour. However, we've had some recent heart to hearts and dealt with a conflict, and the way he handled the conflict was brilliant - made sure I felt pscyhologically safe to talk about it with him by making sure he knew my triggers first, was patient when I brought up more questions a few days later to make sure we'd definitely agreed on a way forward, etc. I felt heard, respected, listened to, and he acted upon my wishes whilst being really open about what he wanted, too. Some of that requires maturity, but in your late 20s I'd hope your guy could do similar. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 3, 2020 Author Posted February 3, 2020 1 hour ago, dramallama said: Good! This! Don't torture yourself! I know it's hard not to sometimes... my guy is a producer and uses instagram as a way to talk to his studio clients rather than handing his phone number out all the time, and at first it used to rattle me that these attractive ladies would pop up on his friend list liking all his pictures, but I've learnt over time that if it's a new client she'll stay around for a while and he'll unfriend her when they're done working together; and if she's just a random who has added him because he's attractive, he kicks them off his follower list within days. Point being - I don't need to expend any of my time or attention on his instagram behaviour. However, we've had some recent heart to hearts and dealt with a conflict, and the way he handled the conflict was brilliant - made sure I felt pscyhologically safe to talk about it with him by making sure he knew my triggers first, was patient when I brought up more questions a few days later to make sure we'd definitely agreed on a way forward, etc. I felt heard, respected, listened to, and he acted upon my wishes whilst being really open about what he wanted, too. Some of that requires maturity, but in your late 20s I'd hope your guy could do similar. Thank you. Exactly, I want to feel heard and psychologically safe to be able to bring anything up even if he doesn't agree and thinks it's irrational. Just that support so then it doesn't turn into an argument because of defensiveness I think I will talk to him tonight and I am thinking about making a list of ground rules we make up together during an argument so that if we ever need to refer to it in the future we can.
Miss Spider Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 I mean if he is a really good guy and he sees it bothers you I think he should take it upon himself to be like “look, babe, if it bothers you, I’ll just unfollow her. But I like her haircuts” (if he does) I mean there is thoughtfulness there, because unfollowing her should be nbd when considering your feelings. However you have to wonder where it will end. Any attractive girl he meets? Put those horse blinders on his eyes so he can’t see all the attractive women out In public? Anyway. I hope you all can work something out. Rooting for you. Social media can spell trouble. 3 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 3, 2020 Author Posted February 3, 2020 21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I mean if he is a really good guy and he sees it bothers you I think he should take it upon himself to be like “look, babe, if it bothers you, I’ll just unfollow her. But I like her haircuts” (if he does) I mean there is thoughtfulness there, because unfollowing her should be nbd when considering your feelings. However you have to wonder where it will end. Any attractive girl he meets? Put those horse blinders on his eyes so he can’t see all the attractive women out In public? Anyway. I hope you all can work something out. Rooting for you. Social media can spell trouble. Thanks for the reply. I totally understand I cannot put blinders on him. He follows a few celebrity models which I'm totally fine with because he will never meet them. I often point out pretty girls to him as well and we discuss it openly if I bring it up. I know he checks out girls and that's ok he isn't dead lol. I think my problem comes with this hairdresser because she is a professional doing a job but on social media she's this sexy instagram model so it's almost like ok well.. he's seeing this side to her and then seeing her after on instagram basically half naked. It's like crossing a professional boundary. I still don't mind of he gets hair cuts from her which I told him I would just prefer he not be able to see her half naked afterwards. Does that make sense? Lol.
basil67 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 When you speak with him, come up with some tangible ways that he can help you feel more supported even when you're being irrational. Because I have to admit I'd be at a complete loss on how to give support when faced with someone's irrational fears - especially so if they wanted me to change what I was doing - and it sounds like he's very likely to be the same. 1
Bobbyb82 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 I honestly don't see what the issue is.. If they wanted to be together they would be. You also say you don't mind him actually being around her and having his hair cut, but do have an issue with this instagram account.. That doesn't make any sense to me, but I'm not looking at the situation with emotions attached. My hair dresser is very attractive, but it doesn't mean that I want her over the girl I'm seeing. There is no connection there. All of these people on here telling you to give him ultimatums or suggestions to put you at ease will ruin your relationship. When I find someone that cuts my hair like I like it, I keep them as long as I can. I just don't think coming off as controlling will do you any good, and might possibly ruin your relationship. 1 2
Bobbyb82 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, acapelo_dp said: Thanks for the reply. I totally understand I cannot put blinders on him. He follows a few celebrity models which I'm totally fine with because he will never meet them. I often point out pretty girls to him as well and we discuss it openly if I bring it up. I know he checks out girls and that's ok he isn't dead lol. I think my problem comes with this hairdresser because she is a professional doing a job but on social media she's this sexy instagram model so it's almost like ok well.. he's seeing this side to her and then seeing her after on instagram basically half naked. It's like crossing a professional boundary. I still don't mind of he gets hair cuts from her which I told him I would just prefer he not be able to see her half naked afterwards. Does that make sense? Lol. If you do not mind him actually being in her space getting his hair cut, why would you care about the virtual world of instagram? They can cheat in one, and not the other... Just having a hard time understanding this really... Edited February 3, 2020 by Bobbyb82 Found answer? 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 3, 2020 Author Posted February 3, 2020 16 minutes ago, Bobbyb82 said: If you do not mind him actually being in her space getting his hair cut, why would you care about the virtual world of instagram? They can cheat in one, and not the other... Just having a hard time understanding this really... It's not about cheating in the slightest. I see it almost as like porn fantasy I guess. Like being able to see her half naked when he wants despite her just being his hair dresser. It's uncomfortable to me especially since he finds her hot. I don't worry about him actually cheating. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 3, 2020 Author Posted February 3, 2020 20 minutes ago, Bobbyb82 said: I honestly don't see what the issue is.. If they wanted to be together they would be. You also say you don't mind him actually being around her and having his hair cut, but do have an issue with this instagram account.. That doesn't make any sense to me, but I'm not looking at the situation with emotions attached. My hair dresser is very attractive, but it doesn't mean that I want her over the girl I'm seeing. There is no connection there. All of these people on here telling you to give him ultimatums or suggestions to put you at ease will ruin your relationship. When I find someone that cuts my hair like I like it, I keep them as long as I can. I just don't think coming off as controlling will do you any good, and might possibly ruin your relationship. Yes I understand your point and I apologized for it but I do think it's okay to have some emotional support rather than blowing me off right away. Do you get to see your hair dresser half naked on the internet afterwards? Just trying to make my point but some people won't agree it's a problem. 1
Bobbyb82 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 6 minutes ago, acapelo_dp said: Yes I understand your point and I apologized for it but I do think it's okay to have some emotional support rather than blowing me off right away. Do you get to see your hair dresser half naked on the internet afterwards? Just trying to make my point but some people won't agree it's a problem. No she doesn't dress like that and post it on instagram. Here's the thing though, it's instagram, not porn hub.. I just have a hard time imagining that your bf really gives a damn about seeing her pics. If I was in his shoes, I'd be more embarrassed about my girlfriend forcing me to unfollow her than anything. I wouldn't care about not getting to see her pics at all, but it could make her cutting my hair awkward. Just say they were chatting about a recent trip she had taken, and she asked if he had seen some picture she had taken(not in a bikini) and it came out that he had unfollowed her...that would be awkward as hell. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 3, 2020 Author Posted February 3, 2020 4 minutes ago, Bobbyb82 said: No she doesn't dress like that and post it on instagram. Here's the thing though, it's instagram, not porn hub.. I just have a hard time imagining that your bf really gives a damn about seeing her pics. If I was in his shoes, I'd be more embarrassed about my girlfriend forcing me to unfollow her than anything. I wouldn't care about not getting to see her pics at all, but it could make her cutting my hair awkward. Just say they were chatting about a recent trip she had taken, and she asked if he had seen some picture she had taken(not in a bikini) and it came out that he had unfollowed her...that would be awkward as hell. I actually never asked him to unfollow her he did it out of anger when I was trying to explain my feelings. I encouraged him to follow her again so I'm hopeful he's not embarrassed of me as a partner for that. He said he was worried it would be awkward as well. I didn't take that into account at the time because I felt shut down. I can understand that now but I can't really help my feelings on this one. They are there and I have to acknowledge them.
basil67 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 18 minutes ago, acapelo_dp said: Yes I understand your point and I apologized for it but I do think it's okay to have some emotional support rather than blowing me off right away. Do you get to see your hair dresser half naked on the internet afterwards? Just trying to make my point but some people won't agree it's a problem. The first sentence is what I was aiming at in terms of giving tangible ways for him to support you. In what ways could he support you? It's tricky when he's not actually doing anything wrong. I also suggest you drop the term "half naked", especially if you're talking with your boyfriend. It's emotive and judgemental...and not likely to gain your boyfriend's support. 1
basil67 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 1 minute ago, acapelo_dp said: I can't really help my feelings on this one. They are there and I have to acknowledge them. And here's the problem. Acknowledging feelings is important, but if they are irrational, the onus is also on us to work towards overcoming them. 3
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 3, 2020 Author Posted February 3, 2020 10 minutes ago, basil67 said: And here's the problem. Acknowledging feelings is important, but if they are irrational, the onus is also on us to work towards overcoming them. The thing is I don't know how to overcome it while getting his support. I don't know what I need from him, it's not validation. He says I'm cute and sexy a lot on his own without being asked and he is loving. I can't pin point it exactly because I am not this way most of the time. I do struggle with anxiety in general but I don't think that has anything to do with this.
basil67 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 I understand how you feel. And anxiety can be horrible. My method for overcoming irrational feelings is to tell myself to not be silly and keep the issues to myself. The less I feed them by raising them, the more they go away. I’d also be mortified if he told his mates what I was thinking. (I know how much my girlfriends and I share with each other!)
Bobbyb82 Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 1 hour ago, acapelo_dp said: The thing is I don't know how to overcome it while getting his support. I don't know what I need from him, it's not validation. He says I'm cute and sexy a lot on his own without being asked and he is loving. I can't pin point it exactly because I am not this way most of the time. I do struggle with anxiety in general but I don't think that has anything to do with this. I get that you are uncomfortable with the situation, anxiety can be real rough.. Try looking at it from this perspective, dwell on it from this perspective....there is NOTHING special about this girls instagram profile. The end. If she was special to him, he'd be at least pursuing her... or they'd have a past. He's with you. 1
kendahke Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, acapelo_dp said: I think my problem comes with this hairdresser because she is a professional doing a job but on social media she's this sexy instagram model 9 hours ago, acapelo_dp said: but her exposing herself on social media in my opinion makes me uncomfortable Quote This is a personal account and the majority of her photos are her in a bikini, partying, or in minimal clothing showing off her body. Quote I don't know what I need from him, You don't need anything from him. You are intimidated by her boldness and you want her to take responsibility for making you feel inadequate as a woman. Edited February 4, 2020 by kendahke 2
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 4, 2020 Author Posted February 4, 2020 6 minutes ago, kendahke said: There are plenty of "professional" people on IG who take body shots. BFD. I"m trying to figure out why you are so focused on trying to control her behavior when it has absolutely nothing to do with you? Do you think she's doing it to mess with you? At the end of the day, if she wants to post whatever kinds of pictures on her IG account, she is free and well within her rights to do so as long as they don't violate the terms of service on IG. And it really doesn't matter what you think of it---she's grown. She's going to do as she likes. You're going to have to stop obsessing about her IG antics. Control her behaviour? How am I doing that? Lol. I've already mentioned previously I am letting it go because obviously most people are saying I'm being ridiculous. So whatever, I will keep my mouth shut and my boyfriend can follow who he wants including any woman he wants to look at. He doesn't seem to take into account how I feel anyways, so I can't really change anything.
Miss Spider Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 yes it’s hard for any of us to understand because it is irrational. But at least you are acknowledging it and trying to examine things 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 4, 2020 Author Posted February 4, 2020 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: yes it’s hard for any of us to understand because it is irrational. But at least you are acknowledging it and trying to examine things I guess I just don't understand how no one has ever felt insecure at some point in a relationship and how they dealt with it. I compare myself to other women naturally and I'm my own worst critic so when I'm in that mode it's hard to get out of it. It sucks.
kendahke Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 4 minutes ago, acapelo_dp said: Control her behaviour? How am I doing that? A lot of post you've made have made mention of how impacted you are by what she chooses to post on IG--in order for you to be happy with your boyfriend, you want her to do what you want her to do, which is not post those pictures on IG instead of just not looking at her account.
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 4, 2020 Author Posted February 4, 2020 3 minutes ago, kendahke said: A lot of post you've made have made mention of how impacted you are by what she chooses to post on IG--in order for you to be happy with your boyfriend, you want her to do what you want her to do, which is not post those pictures on IG instead of just not looking at her account. I'm not looking at her account going forward. It's private anyways so I can't. Only my boyfriend can see it.
basil67 Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 52 minutes ago, acapelo_dp said: I guess I just don't understand how no one has ever felt insecure at some point in a relationship and how they dealt with it. I compare myself to other women naturally and I'm my own worst critic so when I'm in that mode it's hard to get out of it. It sucks. I can't say I've ever felt insecure in a relationship. I guess it comes from not putting other people on pedestals; I'm confident in saying we are all degrees of ordinary and we all have our own foibles. Sure, she may look great in a bikini, but that doesn't make her more special or worthy than you.
Miss Spider Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, acapelo_dp said: I guess I just don't understand how no one has ever felt insecure at some point in a relationship and how they dealt with it. I compare myself to other women naturally and I'm my own worst critic so when I'm in that mode it's hard to get out of it. It sucks. Oh sorry... I understand now. I was mostly referring to the hairdresser crossing a professional boundary because your boyfriend has seen her in a bathing suit part. I am sure many can relate to feeling insecure at some point in their relationship, yes. I think it comes down to realizing and truly believing that your boyfriend chose you and only wants to be with you because he finds you to be beautiful to him. And not only your looks, but all the other parts about you. Your personality, your little quirks, your voice, scent, everything is what he is in love with. Not this girl. So he may find her attractive. But he chooses you each day. Another’s positive attributes should never detract from your own. It isn’t easy to come to that level of confidence, and it’s human to compare at times, but I believe it’s possible to for everyone to become secure enough in themselves so they don’t struggle with those negative feelings. Edited February 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough
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