Instagram.

[acapelo_dp]

I realize this is due to my own insecurities but I just wanted some opinions on this. 

I have been dating my boyfriend a year and a half. We are compatible in many ways and I consider him my best friend. We are moving in together in two months and are both very excited. We have spoken about marriage and are on the same page. 

However, I have had an issue with Instagram at times. First, it was him liking girls he knew in person bikini photos. I explained to him that I would prefer if he didn't like any photos like that. He hasn't done it since. I didn't feel this was an unreasonable request. 

Boyfriend has a hair dresser who he has been seeing for haircuts the past three years. When he was scrolling through his account when we first Got together there was a provacative photo of this girl in a bikini and I asked who she was and he said oh that's my hair dresser. She had messaged him on instagram to change an appointment time as well which I thought was strange because she was at the salon and could call clients from there. 

When I asked how they started following each other he said one day she suggested he followed her while she was cutting his hair and as a single guy to an attractive girl he agreed. This is a personal account and the majority of her photos are her in a bikini, partying, or in minimal clothing showing off her body. I found this strange as I find it unprofessional that she wanted a client to follow a personal account when they don't chat outside hair cuts. I've always followed professional hair accounts of mine with before and after of hair. This woman is into fitness and will admit is gorgeous. 

When he was single he would like all of her photos and when I asked he admitted he finds her attractive but he's with me and doesn't care now. When he was scrolling through his instagram last night I saw a new photo of her in a bikini and I became upset and we ended up having an argument. He thinks with reason and logic and doesn't understand emotions if he believes it's irrational. I just wanted him to understand where I was coming from. 

My boyfriend follows ex hook ups, ex girlfriend and it doesn't bother me at all. But this girl does for some reason. I would never ask him to unfollow anyone as that's controlling but I feel like a psycho. I don't want my insecurities to ruin our relationship eventually. I ended up saying I was wrong and apologized. 

Any feedback or advice? 

[smackie9]

It's all about perspective. He's a young guy (I am assuming) and it's hard for them to mature and move on from that kind of stuff simple as that. IMO he should figure it out by now that, when you are very serious about someone, you adjust your habits to a more appropriate manner. You are right, this hairdresser is being unprofessional. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I would find it shocking. Your BF is being a dumb sot. Possibly clueless, or having a difficult time letting some things go. This does need further "discussion" not argument. You can be reasonable, if it is discussed properly without threat. Sometime what works is turning the tables and ask him how would he like it if you and your personal trainer at the gym you went to had this kind of IG relationship with you liking all his buffy bare chest photos, and him privately messaging you. And then to have you dig your heels in about it if he brought it up. I think that would prove a point with him if he had a chance to see it from you "perspective".

[acapelo_dp]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's all about perspective. He's a young guy (I am assuming) and it's hard for them to mature and move on from that kind of stuff simple as that. IMO he should figure it out by now that, when you are very serious about someone, you adjust your habits to a more appropriate manner. You are right, this hairdresser is being unprofessional. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I would find it shocking. Your BF is being a dumb sot. Possibly clueless, or having a difficult time letting some things go. This does need further "discussion" not argument. You can be reasonable, if it is discussed properly without threat. Sometime what works is turning the tables and ask him how would he like it if you and your personal trainer at the gym you went to had this kind of IG relationship with you liking all his buffy bare chest photos, and him privately messaging you. And then to have you dig your heels in about it if he brought it up. I think that would prove a point with him if he had a chance to see it from you "perspective".

Thank you for the reply. I am 29 and he is 28. I have actually asked him the same question and he said he wouldn't care who I followed as it's social media and doesn't matter. Although I have unfollowed ex hook ups from mine, not because he requested but because I have no desire while being with him. 

It turns into an argument everytime because he doesn't see my viewpoint of it being unprofessional. He tells me well you don't know her so you can't judge her. Correct, I can't. But my assumption is that she likes the attention. He actually unfollowed her out of anger last night because he wanted the argument to end. I encouraged him to follow her again today and mute her posts instead. 

He told me he feels I am insecure and I agree I have my moments. But I don't think I am being irrational for this one. He said that if he unfollowed her he doesn't want things to potentially be awkward between them going forward. And I'm like, what is she going to do, refuse to cut your hair anymore? Or bring it up during a haircut? 

I just feel because in his mind it's irrational he won't try to understand my feelings on it. So we moved on from it but my hurt is still there although he doesn't want to ever speak about it again. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by acapelo_dp

[ExpatInItaly]

Is he going to continue having his hair cut by her?

[smackie9]

That's not "moving on" from it, that's called shutting you down. This is a big red flag. Sorry but if both of you have very different points of view on this topic, it will cause resentment now, and in the future. The foundation of this relationship is starting to crumble. The expectant of empathy, and understanding within reason is crucial for the long haul. If this is how he is going to communicate with you and resolve issues...it's looking bleak.

Edited February 2, 2020 by smackie9

[acapelo_dp]

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That's not "moving on" from it, that's called shutting you down. This is a big red flag. Sorry but if both of you have very different points of view on this topic, it will cause resentment now, and in the future. The foundation of this relationship is starting to crumble. The expectant of empathy, and understanding within reason is crucial for the long haul. If this is how he is going to communicate with you and resolve issues...it's looking bleak.

To answer poster above, yes he is getting his haircut by her still. Which honestly I don't mind. 

I agree I am becoming concerned about communication with this topic. We have different viewpoints on this but I feel as though when I bring up this topic and I'm upset he gets upset. Then he sometimes catastrophize saying we "fight a lot about this" and that he's never had to argue about things that weren't true issues before in his past relationship (that involved him being cheated on). When in reality we don't argue often and actually get along quite well 90 percent of the time. 

I just feel like I'm irrational and psycho with this instagram thing. I take accountability that yes I should improve my insecurities but on the fence of boundaries not being met on my end. Boyfriend will say things after like "you don't think I am a good boyfriend clearly" or "if you trust me these things shouldn't matter." Maybe his ex was more secure but I am certainly not a cheater or emotionally abusive like her. Kinda hurts. 

How do I get him to be more emphathetic? I try and explain my reasonings and rational and if he doesn't think it's reasonable or rational he doesn't see a concern. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by acapelo_dp

[acapelo_dp]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is he going to continue having his hair cut by her?

Yes he is 

[smackie9]

You only know about his past relationship through what he tells you, and it doesn't necessarily mean it's whole truth. He's diverting, and manipulating guilt on you as a way to explain his way out of this disagreement. It's like "I'm a good BF so you should let me have this one thing, even tho it's inappropriate to you." does that seem fair?

You say you get along great 90% but in the same breath you have had other issues that make you feel insecure....is this always you? or is it his attitude/behavior?

Edited February 2, 2020 by smackie9

[acapelo_dp]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You only know about his past relationship through what he tells you, and it doesn't necessarily mean it's whole truth. He's diverting, and manipulating guilt on you as a way to explain his way out of this disagreement. It's like "I'm a good BF so you should let me have this one thing, even tho it's inappropriate to you." does that seem fair?

I definitely feel after this argument I can see how it is manipulative. Today after I apologized to him and said he can re follow her he asked "are you sure?" And he did yet it was a private account and he said isn't that even more awkward ? I even have him advice to say that he was cleaning up his friends account and accidently deleted her. 

He had mentioned before when I asked him not to like bikini or skimpy pictures of girls he knew what he felt restricted. He said today after I apologized that "any guy would feel this is silly to get upset about." When I tried to talk about it this morning to kind of get some closure he repsonded by asking why we were still talking about it if it's done and over with?

I just feel my feelings on this topic are never validated and that I'm irrational and insecure. I've been dumped before by some guys and he told me when he was angry last night "well have you looked in the mirror to see why that kept happening to you?" He apologized profusely this morning but it stung. It's like if he feels his identity being a good boyfriend is decreased to attacked at all he defends and attacks. I'm not sure why. 

I just need reassurance that I'm not insecure and psycho or if I am how to approach this. The behaviour that has made me insecure is instagram not his actions. I trust him and his actions in person haven't ever made me question him. It's our different views on what we feel is ok and what is not 

I do not want to end the relationship as I mentioned we get along well 90 percent of the time, his family loves me and I love them and he is very kind and caring otherwise and wants to spend as much time with me as possible. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by acapelo_dp

[smackie9]

First off, you should have stopped him from using that "why we were still talking about it if it's done and over with?" That is again, shutting you down, and to make you feel bad for talking about it. His piss poor attitude in how he deals with you is still there, and not corrected. As for IG, it's not IG that causes your anxiety. IG is an app. It's how he/a person has been using it. How he has been using this app is causing you anxiety. Doesn't mean he's going to cheat, it's about ethics, values and respect. By liking bikini clad women, especially someone who he is in contact physically is simply in appropriate. It would be no different than him ogling attractive women while you two are walking through a mall, with his head snapping around to check them out And I'm sure lots of women would agree. You shouldn't be apologizing for requesting something that is quiet reasonable. It's one thing to get all cray cray if he doesn't answer a text right away, or quiz him constantly where he has been, etc. That would be concerning behavior yes. But how you feel about his behavior with this hairdresser is not out of line.

 

I need to add, it's only going to get worse when you move in together. It's going to be a need for more of a focus on boundaries and expectations. You think he's was difficult with this topic ....you just wait.

Edited February 2, 2020 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

wow hmm okay. Well I don’t see your boyfriend or this hairdresser doing anything wrong? It’s her instagram, she can put whatever she wants on there. She was his hairdresser and he was a single guy, so he started following her. If she wasn’t attractive you wouldn’t have given it this much thought. You’re just being insecure and jealous, which are normal human emotions at times, but you shouldn’t put that on others. Just my my opinion. 
 

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, acapelo_dp said:

Then he sometimes catastrophize saying we "fight a lot about this" and that he's never had to argue about things that weren't true issues before in his past relationship (that involved him being cheated on). 

Do you realise that you're doing to him what you don't like him doing to you?   He's raising a concern (that you fight too much about this) and you dismiss his feelings because you don't agree.   I do wonder what you are hoping to achieve by raising it more than a couple of times.   Surely after the first one or two disagreements, it should have become apparent (for better or worse) that this is who he is and more arguments on the topic are futile. 

Quote

How do I get him to be more emphathetic? I try and explain my reasonings and rational and if he doesn't think it's reasonable or rational he doesn't see a concern. 

Issues which are caused by our own insecurities are irrational by nature.   Perhaps it would help your cause of you admit that you know you're being irrational and you're working on it, but really need his support in the meantime.   

Edited February 2, 2020 by basil67

[acapelo_dp]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Do you realise that you're doing to him what you don't like him doing to you?   He's raising a concern (that you fight too much about this) and you dismiss his feelings because you don't agree.   I do wonder what you are hoping to achieve by raising it more than a couple of times.   Surely after the first one or two disagreements, it should have become apparent (for better or worse) that this is who he is and more arguments on the topic are futile. 

Issues which are caused by our own insecurities are irrational by nature.   Perhaps it would help your cause of you admit that you know you're being irrational and you're working on it, but really need his support in the meantime.   

I have admitted I was being insecure and i even had him follow her again because I know I can't ask him to unfollow anyone as it's controlling. But I definitely don't feel supported during the process seeing as how he is so reluctant for compromise or even discussion about my feelings about it. 

So overall, there's some mixed messages about it being an issue or not here. 

I do admit I have dismissed his feelings on this issue but after being dismissed myself. It's hard to validate and support when he won't see my side either and automatically says I'm being irrational. 

[acapelo_dp]

34 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

First off, you should have stopped him from using that "why we were still talking about it if it's done and over with?" That is again, shutting you down, and to make you feel bad for talking about it. His piss poor attitude in how he deals with you is still there, and not corrected. As for IG, it's not IG that causes your anxiety. IG is an app. It's how he/a person has been using it. How he has been using this app is causing you anxiety. Doesn't mean he's going to cheat, it's about ethics, values and respect. By liking bikini clad women, especially someone who he is in contact physically is simply in appropriate. It would be no different than him ogling attractive women while you two are walking through a mall, with his head snapping around to check them out And I'm sure lots of women would agree. You shouldn't be apologizing for requesting something that is quiet reasonable. It's one thing to get all cray cray if he doesn't answer a text right away, or quiz him constantly where he has been, etc. That would be concerning behavior yes. But how you feel about his behavior with this hairdresser is not out of line.

 

I need to add, it's only going to get worse when you move in together. It's going to be a need for more of a focus on boundaries and expectations. You think he's was difficult with this topic ....you just wait.

Yes it's the behaviour on IG that makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel threatened by ex girlfriends or past hook ups because he never sees them. He has seen his ex girlfriend at sport events as they have mutual friends and play the same sport and I haven't even batted an eye. 

My thing is what I don't see or know won't hurt me. I can see everything on instagram. It's right in front of me. He has female friends, goes on boys trips,plays his sport and I support him always, watches porn, and we even joke when I catch him checking out girls in public and laugh. But at times I am feeling insecure I feel that's when I'm vulnerable to react. And for some reason this particular girl on instagram triggers me due to me feeling like she's unprofessional. 

[acapelo_dp]

37 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

wow hmm okay. Well I don’t see your boyfriend or this hairdresser doing anything wrong? It’s her instagram, she can put whatever she wants on there. She was his hairdresser and he was a single guy, so he started following her. If she wasn’t attractive you wouldn’t have given it this much thought. You’re just being insecure and jealous, which are normal human emotions at times, but you shouldn’t put that on others. Just my my opinion. 
 

Thanks for your input. 

[Noproblem]

When I like something on instagram, I don't think twice about it.

It is nothing

Even the good looking guys I like on Instagram, means nothing to me, .. they are just beautiful people or beautiful photos

we like and scroll and life goes on!

Don't ruin your relationship over this!

If he is a good boyfriend and your relationship is good, then let it go please!

[acapelo_dp]

40 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

When I like something on instagram, I don't think twice about it.

It is nothing

Even the good looking guys I like on Instagram, means nothing to me, .. they are just beautiful people or beautiful photos

we like and scroll and life goes on!

Don't ruin your relationship over this!

If he is a good boyfriend and your relationship is good, then let it go please!

Thank you for this. 

He came home from sport practice with flowers and a little cake for me saying sorry so I really can't be mad now lol. I think I am just going to not pay attention to instagram going forward. 

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, acapelo_dp said:

. But I definitely don't feel supported during the process seeing as how he is so reluctant for compromise or even discussion about my feelings about it. 

and are you good with going into the future with him, with all this moving in together and talks of marriage (two things that are blinding you in your race to get to the altar) with him being exactly like this in 15 years and never changing? If he's pushing back they way you say he is, then this is who he is and you ignore it at your own avoidable emotional peril (as well as the emotional peril of any children you have with him).

He's showing you right now--before your whole life becomes overwhelming and disappointing--what you are going to have to accept in order to be with him.  You're expected to keep quiet and be content that you're saddled with him and this energy of his. This mess will have you looking 60 at 45 with 3 kids in tow, messed up finances and no man is going to want to get serious about you with that.

Quote

He came home from sport practice with flowers and a little cake for me saying sorry so I really can't be mad now lol.

This is called "lulling you into a stupor".  It's a band aid until you discover that he's lowkey still liking bikini pics of chicks on IG and it sets your hair is on fire.

Slow your roll to move in with him. On a very fundamental tip. he's not done being a single man and he may never be done. This will age you before your time and it could all have been avoided.

Edited February 3, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

Quote

Yes it's the behaviour on IG that makes me uncomfortable.

My thing is what I don't see or know won't hurt me.

we even joke when I catch him checking out girls in public

But at times I am feeling insecure I feel that's when I'm vulnerable to react.

Ignoring and sticking your head in the sand doesn't work.

What you don't see is exactly what will hurt you the most. The "bolt out of the blue" is painful.

Playing the "cool girlfriend" because the wifey prize in almost in your grasp is what is going to mess you up.

Quote

And for some reason this particular girl on instagram triggers me due to me feeling like she's unprofessional. 

That's not the reason. The reason is you see her as a real threat to your relationship because they have a 3 year old intimate rapport and he pushing back on you, not her. She's being who she is--she may be like that with all her single male clients, and perhaps some married ones, too. The onus is always on the one in the relationship to guard its boundaries and your boyfriend balks at doing that; and him doing that threatens your plans to be Mrs. Him.

If you don't stand sentry to your boundaries and employ real consequences---not fights, then sticking around--you're teaching him that while you may blast, you ain't going no where and all he has to do is bring flowers and cake home and you'll pipe down.

[acapelo_dp]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

Ignoring and sticking your head in the sand doesn't work.

What you don't see is exactly what will hurt you the most. The "bolt out of the blue" is painful.

Playing the "cool girlfriend" because the wifey prize in almost in your grasp is what is going to mess you up.

That's not the reason. The reason is you see her as a real threat to your relationship because they have a 3 year old intimate rapport and he pushing back on you, not her. She's being who she is--she may be like that with all her single male clients, and perhaps some married ones, too. The onus is always on the one in the relationship to guard its boundaries and your boyfriend balks at doing that; and him doing that threatens your plans to be Mrs. Him.

If you don't stand sentry to your boundaries and employ real consequences---not fights, then sticking around--you're teaching him that while you may blast, you ain't going no where and all he has to do is bring flowers and cake home and you'll pipe down.

Thanks for the reply. 

I am still a bit confused as I am getting mixed responses that I am being too insecure and others that I should be setting clear boundaries. 

What would a clear boundary look like? Asking him to unfollow her? I did compare the example of if I had a male trainer the exact same situation and he kind of put his head down and said nothing so I knew he would care about that. 

The thing is, not defending him at all but he doesn't act like a single guy. He happily wants me to move in and we have been planning it for 6 months, shows me affection, shows me off to family and friends, on social media, and wants to spend all the free time he has besides hobbies with me. I do trust him as he doesn't even talk to other girls just mainly looks at sports stuff on his phone. But I am not comfortable with the liking bikini pictures (to his credit he stopped doing) and this particular girl on instagram he doesn't see as an issue. 

 

I'm not sure where to go from here as I am not planning to end the relationship. How do I move forward? 

[basil67]

I think that boundaries depend on whether or not they are actually doing something wrong.   Now, I don't like when hubby stays out very late and drunk with the boys.   (thankfully, he's slowed up a lot in the nearly 30 years we've been together)   But he's a good guy and I knew that he liked to drink with his mates when we met.  So even though I don't like it, I think what he does is reasonable and I chalk it up to my own irrationality and bite my tongue.

However he does know that I wouldn't be happy with him staying out till, say, 4am without a word.   I have this boundary because I think it's pretty reasonable.  

In short, I don't use boundaries to support my insecurities.  I use them when the person does something which most would consider unreasonable.   

[NomiMalone]

FWIW, I don’t think you have anything to worry about with this hairdresser. If she’s constantly posting bikini pics, then she’s probably just 1 of 1000,00000 IG models out there trying to amass as many followers as possible, and that’s all your boyfriend means to her - just another number on her followers tally. She probably asks everyone she knows, men and women, to follow her. It’s just about getting as many followers and likes as possible.

Messaging via IG is an acceptable way to communicate nowadays, no red flags there. I message my beautician (who’s also a friend) on there to make appointments, it’s just quicker and easier than calling.

What I’d be more concerned about is:

1)The way your BF who, like smackie said, just shut you down when you communicated with him that you were upset. This aspect of him isn’t likely to change (unless he’s self aware enough to realise it’s an issue on his part.) You need to think about whether you want to continue being in a relationship with someone who isn’t receptive when you open up about your needs in a relationship. 

2)The fact that you felt the need to apologise to him and even told him to follow the hairdresser again! That would’ve no doubt sent a message to him that your feelings don’t matter and you’re happy to be walked all over. Learn to stand up for your needs in a relationship. So what if other women are ok with their boyfriends following IG models? (And most wouldn’t be!) If it’s not ok to you, then it’s not ok.

Edited February 3, 2020 by NomiMalone

[ccas93]

I'm sorry, but yeah I think you're being insecure about it. The hairdresser is obviously just a big attention seeker if she's having male clients follow her bikini-fitness page. I'm willing to bet a bit narcissistic and seeks male validation of her looks. I see a million of these types of profiles. She's yet more eye-candy for his IG feed, so he will follow and like the pics. I don't think asking him to stop liking the pics is going too far, but I don't feel you have the right to control who he follows. Or get neurotic about it. I think it's almost impossible to not see bikini pics if you're a young man on Instagram. And what guy doesn't like to look pictures of attractive, bikini clad women?  Some bikini pics on my IG feed will mean absolutely nothing in regards to any actual, real, non-virtual relationships I've been in, personally. If he wants to cheat on you with her, he will do so regardless whether he follows her on social media. 

[acapelo_dp]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think that boundaries depend on whether or not they are actually doing something wrong.   Now, I don't like when hubby stays out very late and drunk with the boys.   (thankfully, he's slowed up a lot in the nearly 30 years we've been together)   But he's a good guy and I knew that he liked to drink with his mates when we met.  So even though I don't like it, I think what he does is reasonable and I chalk it up to my own irrationality and bite my tongue.

However he does know that I wouldn't be happy with him staying out till, say, 4am without a word.   I have this boundary because I think it's pretty reasonable.  

In short, I don't use boundaries to support my insecurities.  I use them when the person does something which most would consider unreasonable.   

Right. Which I haven't had to set a boundary yet because honestly nothing he does (outside of instagram) makes me uncomfortable . He doesn't like to go out drinking much and his friends are a great group of guys who have good values. He always lets me know where he is on his own if he does go on a guys trip or something and shares the experience with me. I have no issues outside of this and the shutting down. 

He had stopped liking bikini pictures after I asked him not to so I have to give him that he followed through. When I told him to follow her back he said he would be happy to mute her posts and stories instead, so I don't feel like I'm being walked over since I can't control who he follows .

I think we just need to improve communication bottom line. 

Edited February 3, 2020 by acapelo_dp

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, acapelo_dp said:

 this particular girl on instagram he doesn't see as an issue. 

But you do--so what is he doing consistently to keep her out of his intimate space in his head?  Has he decided to find another hair cutter or barber shop to put you more at ease?