Its all a big mess

February 2, 2020

Been lurking here fir sometime, hoping the people here can help me navigate the chaos i am in.

Me and my wife have been married for 4 years , but together for 6. We met in collage an immediately clicked with each other. She comes from a very well to do family of which both parents are bored member's of a big company. Her father never really approved of me where as her mother and I got along well, her father always believed his daughter could do better and assumed our relationship was nothing more than a college phase. He eventually learnt to accept (more like tolerate) our relationship when we got engaged.

My wifi and I have always been affectionate with each other but her sex drive was never as high as mine, i came to accept this as married life because i assumed that was what was normal for couples. So imagine my shock and disbelief when i discovered highly sexually charged messages and pictures between her and some guy going back six months on here ipad.

My mind went blank as i sat there reading their conversations, if it wasnt for the pictures i honestly would have never thought it was my wife and would have assumed her account was hacked or something. I confronted her and ofcourse she denied everything until i showed her proof she started crying and hyperventilating. She swore to cut of contact and never speak to him again but i was too upset to even look at her. I told her to leave while she kept clinging to me in tears.

I phoned her father who seemed elated by what he had just learnt, as if his little princess had finally figured out she can do better and was more than happy to come and picher up personally. For the next three months i was seething with rage and grieve as i went about trying to secure a good lawyer just in case of a divorce and knowing her father he already had a SHARK of a lawyer at his beck and call.

Throughout all this my wife consistently tried calling ,texting, emails, and even hand written letters then eventually showed up at my place begging for a second chance. I chose to forgive her as long as she came clean about everything, it seems he OM was an old flame from her high school prep days as well as the guy she lost her virginity to. They reconnected on facebook, he apologised for how things ended between them (dumped her via text for another girl) and was hoping they could atleast be friends. Ofcourse old feelings came back and before she knew it she was in an affair. She swore she never meant to "cause the love of her life pain" , that she knows the pain of betrayal and is disgusted with herself that she could do such a thing.

For the first four months she seemedto do everything right. She was transparent about her where abouts and feelings, she was more attentive and affectionate. Till one day while she was out a buddy of mine send me a picture of her at the mall hand in hand with the same dushbag who nearly cost us our marriage. I phoned her father and informed him of the situation and told him he finally gets his wish, that he should no longer include me in family events as i will now pursue a divorce and that he should come pick up his daughter. He arrived before she did and the conversation we had i swear could've frozen hell over. He was actually trying to save our marriage and rationalize her cheating, he advised me not to make any decision while am upset. When she arrived she was a bit surprised to see me and her dad talking but broke down when i showed her the pictures.

As i waz getting my legal affairs in order i got a paniced call from her mother, i could hear the whistling of of in the background of the call , i knew she was driving. She tells me my wife tried hang herself and the only reason she isnt deadis because the maid managed to save her before the worst happend. She also told me my wife left a suicide note addressed to me.

It stated that she was sorry for giving in to temptation and she knows she has ruined the best thing that ever happend to her. It explained that the time she saw her OM was meant to be the last, he some how convinced her that she owed it to him to end it in person (the scumbag) and that the kiss (ddnt know about that) and holding of hands where unexpected. It also explains that she knows i deserve better and any woman would be beyond lucky to have me but for her she truely cannot live without me. She knows its selfish and cowardly but feels thisis truely the best for everyone.

While still on the phone her mom showed up at my door. She had rushed over while speaking to me. As soon as she entered she dropped to her knees and begged me not to leave her daughter, she even offered to open a trust fund or work out somekind of payment plan for rest of my life. She apologised as she knew it was low and incredibly unfair to me but she was desperate because she wanted her baby girl to live.

I told her first and for most is her daughters recovery while getting the help she needs and doing this isn't helping in anyway but her mom was and still is adamant about tying me to her daughter with more than just marriage.

That was six months ago, we are still separated but i do visit her three or four times a week mainly because if she doesn't see me for more than 3 days she stops eating. Ohh and the kicker to all this is once her OM got wind of her suicide attempt and the reason behind it he shut down he facebook page, cancelled her cellphone plan and thought it was a good idea to visit family in Europe (the spinless coward). So how do i navigate this mess

February 2, 2020

7 minutes ago, Tristan_jay said:

Ohh and the kicker to all this is once her OM got wind of her suicide attempt and the reason behind it he shut down he facebook page, cancelled her cellphone plan and thought it was a good idea to visit family in Europe (the spinless coward).

BUT he probably thought and was likely led to believe that she would eventually leave you and come to him...

February 2, 2020

1 hour ago, Tristan_jay said:

Been lurking here fir sometime, hoping the people here can help me navigate the chaos i am in.

Me and my wife have been married for 4 years , but together for 6. We met in collage an immediately clicked with each other. She comes from a very well to do family of which both parents are bored member's of a big company. Her father never really approved of me where as her mother and I got along well, her father always believed his daughter could do better and assumed our relationship was nothing more than a college phase. He eventually learnt to accept (more like tolerate) our relationship when we got engaged.

My wifi and I have always been affectionate with each other but her sex drive was never as high as mine, i came to accept this as married life because i assumed that was what was normal for couples. So imagine my shock and disbelief when i discovered highly sexually charged messages and pictures between her and some guy going back six months on here ipad.

My mind went blank as i sat there reading their conversations, if it wasnt for the pictures i honestly would have never thought it was my wife and would have assumed her account was hacked or something. I confronted her and ofcourse she denied everything until i showed her proof she started crying and hyperventilating. She swore to cut of contact and never speak to him again but i was too upset to even look at her. I told her to leave while she kept clinging to me in tears.

I phoned her father who seemed elated by what he had just learnt, as if his little princess had finally figured out she can do better and was more than happy to come and picher up personally. For the next three months i was seething with rage and grieve as i went about trying to secure a good lawyer just in case of a divorce and knowing her father he already had a SHARK of a lawyer at his beck and call.

Throughout all this my wife consistently tried calling ,texting, emails, and even hand written letters then eventually showed up at my place begging for a second chance. I chose to forgive her as long as she came clean about everything, it seems he OM was an old flame from her high school prep days as well as the guy she lost her virginity to. They reconnected on facebook, he apologised for how things ended between them (dumped her via text for another girl) and was hoping they could atleast be friends. Ofcourse old feelings came back and before she knew it she was in an affair. She swore she never meant to "cause the love of her life pain" , that she knows the pain of betrayal and is disgusted with herself that she could do such a thing.

For the first four months she seemedto do everything right. She was transparent about her where abouts and feelings, she was more attentive and affectionate. Till one day while she was out a buddy of mine send me a picture of her at the mall hand in hand with the same dushbag who nearly cost us our marriage. I phoned her father and informed him of the situation and told him he finally gets his wish, that he should no longer include me in family events as i will now pursue a divorce and that he should come pick up his daughter. He arrived before she did and the conversation we had i swear could've frozen hell over. He was actually trying to save our marriage and rationalize her cheating, he advised me not to make any decision while am upset. When she arrived she was a bit surprised to see me and her dad talking but broke down when i showed her the pictures.

As i waz getting my legal affairs in order i got a paniced call from her mother, i could hear the whistling of of in the background of the call , i knew she was driving. She tells me my wife tried hang herself and the only reason she isnt deadis because the maid managed to save her before the worst happend. She also told me my wife left a suicide note addressed to me.

It stated that she was sorry for giving in to temptation and she knows she has ruined the best thing that ever happend to her. It explained that the time she saw her OM was meant to be the last, he some how convinced her that she owed it to him to end it in person (the scumbag) and that the kiss (ddnt know about that) and holding of hands where unexpected. It also explains that she knows i deserve better and any woman would be beyond lucky to have me but for her she truely cannot live without me. She knows its selfish and cowardly but feels thisis truely the best for everyone.

While still on the phone her mom showed up at my door. She had rushed over while speaking to me. As soon as she entered she dropped to her knees and begged me not to leave her daughter, she even offered to open a trust fund or work out somekind of payment plan for rest of my life. She apologised as she knew it was low and incredibly unfair to me but she was desperate because she wanted her baby girl to live.

I told her first and for most is her daughters recovery while getting the help she needs and doing this isn't helping in anyway but her mom was and still is adamant about tying me to her daughter with more than just marriage.

That was six months ago, we are still separated but i do visit her three or four times a week mainly because if she doesn't see me for more than 3 days she stops eating. Ohh and the kicker to all this is once her OM got wind of her suicide attempt and the reason behind it he shut down he facebook page, cancelled her cellphone plan and thought it was a good idea to visit family in Europe (the spinless coward). So how do i navigate this mess

get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

not saying that you must recover your marriage, or advocating divorce. though I think it would

be in your best interests to read that book before you make any decisions on your marriage.

You also have your in laws support which is very important because they are against the OM

and your WW having an affair.

February 2, 2020

Tough situation when someone has put their life at stake over a relationship. Be a better man than your FIL has thought you were. Be there for your WW as she will need you around in order to get better.

Be honest with the in-laws that this may not work out in the long term. Take what ever financial support they are willing to offer, as it will be one less thing to worry about. Do whatever you can to get your W back to a state of mental stability.

Have the FIL address the issue with the OM. Maybe he can hire a PI or something like that to keep tabs on him, even though he has taken off for now.

See where things stand once the situation become stable - might be a few years.

This is your time to truly know the meaning of the words “for better and for worse until death do us part”

February 2, 2020

If it were me I'd walk away. You're being held to ransom by your wife and her family. You're the one who was wronged but now you're expected to play nice in case your wife hurts herself or worse commits suicide.
I'd be worried that this would be my role going forward, what happens the next time something goes wrong, does she then try suicide again.

Like I said I'd go and next time you get that call about her not eating or worse call an ambulance or a doctor. This woman needs help you're not qualified to give!

February 2, 2020

If you want out, get out. Her family has many other ways to protect her from herself that doesn't include manipulating you into staying married to her.

February 2, 2020

Don't assume you have the whole story. As unpleasant as it may be, you might want to get the OM's version for comparison. I didn't get a hint that you planning revenge so maybe the offer to leave him alone in the future will get something resembling honesty out of him.

The reason I am suggesting this is that someone doesn't become suicidal overnight. It just seems as if there are multiple layers here to peel back.

Why can't her parents use their money to get her the professional help she needs? Why are they willing to pay you to stay with her? This is really amazing behavior on their part. I feel as if there is a piece missing that would explain it.

I suggest you divorce, move on, and don't look back. You need a life partner not a cell mate.

February 2, 2020

While understandable, you visiting her 3 -4 times a week is probably not helping. If she goes a few days without eating she goes a few days without eating. To me that sounds borderline manipulative if not outright. Chances are even if she is still suicidal she won't commit suicide by starvation. That's not an excuse for you to keep sticking around, especially if you plan on leaving or aren't sure where you stand just yet.

She has a support system already. You don't need to be a part of it. By continuously making yourself a part of it, you just make it harder for her to let go. Which she might have to learn to do eventually anyway. I suggest you taper off your visits before ending them altogether and let your in-laws know the plan so they can keep an extra eye out.

And not to sound cruel but your wife brought 100% of this on herself. So while I hope she remains healthy and living, I don't have any sympathy for her. She cheated, lied, cheated some more and then tried to take the cowards way out. All of her misery is self-inflicted.

You need to focus on yourself and your future. From the little you've said it doesn't really sound like anyone else in your life is.

February 2, 2020

I'm wondering why you involved her parents in all of this. What was your goal?

February 3, 2020

10 hours ago, Tristan_jay said:

That was six months ago, we are still separated but i do visit her three or four times a week mainly because if she doesn't see me for more than 3 days she stops eating. Ohh and the kicker to all this is once her OM got wind of her suicide attempt and the reason behind it he shut down he facebook page, cancelled her cellphone plan and thought it was a good idea to visit family in Europe (the spinless coward). So how do i navigate this mess

Well first, why was her high school boyfriend paying for her cellphone plan???

And why do you keep clinging to this mess???

Just WALK AWAY completely... and quit twisting the knife in her.

Do not make a sound, do not engage the parents... just get out!

February 3, 2020

Your wife was looking at upgrading with the old flame, as she was still with you it is called "Monkey branching" that is a form of female hypergamy. Why has she lost the love and respect she did have for you?

8 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

If it were me I'd walk away. You're being held to ransom by your wife and her family. You're the one who was wronged but now you're expected to play nice in case your wife hurts herself or worse commits suicide.
I'd be worried that this would be my role going forward, what happens the next time something goes wrong, does she then try suicide again.

Like I said I'd go and next time you get that call about her not eating or worse call an ambulance or a doctor. This woman needs help you're not qualified to give!

Suicide failed but it is working well, it is keeping you around.

She is not happy with you, (she started seeing old BF), why doesn't she just leave you or let you go? I think the parents have lots to account for here. As they are upstanding citizens (board members) maybe classed higher than middle? They have money and likely have access to nice friends that they want to look good to. If their daughter's marriage was to breakdown/fail this may not fit well in the community they are in? Is this the reason your wife does not want you to go? Does she belief suicide the only way out for her? I would be having a chat with the parents, they maybe the root of her problems.

You have to decide what you are willing to put up with. You two were in love at one time, (I would hope) but feelings have been lost on both sides as lots has happened. She needs help with the suicide issues etc. first, then a long hard climb rebuilding trust and the relationship/marriage. Is it worth it to you?

If your true answer is NO, you walk away and she does kill herself, it was not your hand that killed her. We are all responsible for our own actions. Most suicide attempts fail because they are only to create attention, never to end one's life.

Or you could just keep taking the money and basking in all the Drama.... Yuck!!!

February 3, 2020

Well, she obviously needs to be in inpatient treatment. Letting her hold you hostage or she'll do suicide isn't going to work for the long run. You and her parents should get her into a facility and leave her there until she's better.

And if she threatens suicide, anytime anyone does, the only right thing to do is call 911.

Edited February 3, 2020 by preraph

February 3, 2020

OP,

as someone who is married to someone with mental illness, I would advise you to walk away. I know how awful that sounds, but it's a terrible road to travel.

don;t give in tot he emotional blackmail. that's what this is. Suicide is a terrible thing, but in leaving the note for you, all she id is try and make you feel guiltily for her choices...please don't let her do that! If she had succeeded, you;d spend the rest of your life feeling guilty, and if she didn't, she can still blame her emotional angst on you.

you are not her keeper. You being thee for her can become a crutch-don't go down that road. It will leave you feeling exhausted, emotionally spent and one day, you look back and realize that you spent so much time in care and worry about them that you've lost yourself. You can;t help her-she has to do that for herself, and as long as you keep being her crutch, she will keep on using you.

February 3, 2020

It sounds like this woman may have problems you're not qualified to fix, such as, possibly, a personality disorder or BPD.

IIRC, in the US, a suicide attempt that was actually carried out is normally treated with short-term institutionalization. Her mom and dad need to face the music and start getting her mental help instead of trying to pay you to stick around. They are probably way too used to giving her exactly what she asks for instead of what she actually needs.

February 3, 2020

Note: when I posted BPD above I meant Bipolar Disorder, not borderline personality disorder (although she might be borderline or histrionic instead/in addition). My bad. At any rate those are just guesses, but it IS clear IMO this woman needs serious help.

February 3, 2020

Calling police when they threaten suicide is the best course because if they are doing it for attention, which is usually the case, then they will not want the police to come again. If they are serious, then the police have the power to put them in the hospital for observation, so they are forced to get the help.

February 4, 2020

Damn. Really a bind you are in.

She has lost it.

February 4, 2020

Cheater lie a lot and that’s all you’ve gotten. A repeat performance.

you haven’t been married that long so get out now before you waste more time.

let her family take care of it. You can’t fix her.

keeping yourself in limbo is getting you what?

February 4, 2020

So she betrayed you twice. I wouldn't care if she hung herself or not. So long as she was long gone from my life. The second she knows she won't get caught she will cheat again. Obviously unstable and no one you should care one iota about again unless you want to be her unwilling cuckold.

February 4, 2020

Honestly?

she's a mess. but i don't think it's a done deal... i mean, to be honest, many people struggle with past relationships that never got resolved.. and it isn't that past relationship that's her achilles heel, but something within her... that OM is just the catalyst of her core issues, but he isn't special... not really.

and i realize you're pretty pissed and angry and feel kinda stuck, and i sympathize, but i also know how it feels to be drawn to someone so deeply and doing things you normally wouldn't b/c that feeling you get drawn to... it isn't love... it's more of a chemical addiction. I'm NOT excusing her behavior or choices, b/c she still had a choice, but she made a mistake.

This isn't a guilt trip to you or anything like it... the final decision to try to salvage the relationship is in your court.. and you are justified in either paths you take. But you need to ask yourself... is she sincere in her wish to be with you? do YOU still love her? IF she gets therapy on her own, and with you in couples therapy... and with verifiable change n therapy... could you come to love her again? trust her again?

I'm not saying the relationship can be restored. she destroyed it. it's gone. whatever memories and trust, is gone. BUT you CAN build a different and perhaps stronger relationship, together.

I never begrudge a person who has been cheated on and decides to move on. The person who cheated destroyed the relationship, so yeah... all power to you. But if you DO still love her... and you do still care about her... b/c in your actions, i feel you still do...

then you have to ask yourself... is she worth saving? is your relationship with her, still worth saving?

b/c if it is... i'm not suggesting you try just for her sake, ... do it for yourself too.

a worst tragedy than a betrayal by the person you love... is to abandon a love story worth saving... the choice is completely up to you... from her side, it sounds like she truly wants to change, grow, be a better person with you...

i wish you much love, wisdom and strength in whatever you decide... good luck!

February 4, 2020

2 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

Honestly?

she's a mess. but i don't think it's a done deal... i mean, to be honest, many people struggle with past relationships that never got resolved.. and it isn't that past relationship that's her achilles heel, but something within her... that OM is just the catalyst of her core issues, but he isn't special... not really.

and i realize you're pretty pissed and angry and feel kinda stuck, and i sympathize, but i also know how it feels to be drawn to someone so deeply and doing things you normally wouldn't b/c that feeling you get drawn to... it isn't love... it's more of a chemical addiction. I'm NOT excusing her behavior or choices, b/c she still had a choice, but she made a mistake.

This isn't a guilt trip to you or anything like it... the final decision to try to salvage the relationship is in your court.. and you are justified in either paths you take. But you need to ask yourself... is she sincere in her wish to be with you? do YOU still love her? IF she gets therapy on her own, and with you in couples therapy... and with verifiable change n therapy... could you come to love her again? trust her again?

I'm not saying the relationship can be restored. she destroyed it. it's gone. whatever memories and trust, is gone. BUT you CAN build a different and perhaps stronger relationship, together.

I never begrudge a person who has been cheated on and decides to move on. The person who cheated destroyed the relationship, so yeah... all power to you. But if you DO still love her... and you do still care about her... b/c in your actions, i feel you still do...

then you have to ask yourself... is she worth saving? is your relationship with her, still worth saving?

b/c if it is... i'm not suggesting you try just for her sake, ... do it for yourself too.

a worst tragedy than a betrayal by the person you love... is to abandon a love story worth saving... the choice is completely up to you... from her side, it sounds like she truly wants to change, grow, be a better person with you...

i wish you much love, wisdom and strength in whatever you decide... good luck!

all of this is very wise, and I can't say I disagree. It's just that sometimes, love isn't enough.

February 5, 2020

16 hours ago, pepperbird said:

all of this is very wise, and I can't say I disagree. It's just that sometimes, love isn't enough.

like i said said before... the choice and justification is all yours. You have been wronged, and the decision to what path to take is yours.

I wish you luck, whatever you decide... and i highly recommend seeing a therapist to get over this past hurt... it will help you.

February 5, 2020

Wow, I would have taken the money! Can I get her number from you?!

Seriously, she's a cheater. If you want to get back with her, she has to stop cheating and it may take some time to get over it. And you may or may not get over it.

Did she ever threaten suicide before or hurt herself? The suicide threats are better left to counseling and/or the suicide hotline.

February 5, 2020

She most certainly have somo personality problems. That does not mean she is not capable of knowing she was doing wrong, but it means that for her, it must be more difficult to do the right thing. Don't give up on her yet, get some professional counseling, that is a must for anyone who attempted suicide. This guy probably knew somo part of your wife that you were not aware of, and knew how to play those keys, be patience but firm. And advise here is really good most of the time, but in a case like this, go to a good therapist.

February 5, 2020

37 minutes ago, jolehno said:

She most certainly have somo personality problems. That does not mean she is not capable of knowing she was doing wrong, but it means that for her, it must be more difficult to do the right thing. Don't give up on her yet, get some professional counseling, that is a must for anyone who attempted suicide. This guy probably knew somo part of your wife that you were not aware of, and knew how to play those keys, be patience but firm. And advise here is really good most of the time, but in a case like this, go to a good therapist.

Well Said! Suicide afects lost of people when your close to it.

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