She's gone completely cold. Is she just not interested anymore?

[Moos]

So a little back story...

Me (27) met this girl (29) at a bar just over a month ago. We hit it off and we kept in touch. A little while after, we met up for coffee and everything went great. We've seen each other a few times since that over the month and everything seemed to be going well.

My issue is, she isn't great at replying to me which was obvious from the very beginning, and it didn't bother me much. She would read my messages and not reply, or I know she's active and just wouldn't reply to me. I get that people are busy, and she would usually strike up a conversation the next day or so. I would never mention her ignoring me or I would never try and get her attention with a follow up message. 

The last time we saw each other, we had a few drinks and we really opened up about how we liked each other and she said she was looking forward to seeing me again. I stayed over and we arranged to see each other at some point in the next week. I had a few days off work and let her know my schedule and said if she wanted to meet up to let me know if she was free. She met her best friend and asked if I wanted to meet her and her best friend the following evening for some drinks. I was keen to do so and said to let me know a plan. That day came and I asked her to let me know if that was still happening, all I got was that she was hungover and nothing else. I waited until the next day and she said something came up which is why we never met.

Fast forward another couple of days and she knew I was off work again. She asked me to go to hers to watch a movie. I said yes, but she told me she had to sort something out first. Anyway she didn't reply at all after that and hasn't replied to me since. 24 hours later and I initiated it this time and asked if she wanted to hang out the following evening instead. Now I haven't heard from her at all since she asked me to watch a movie, but she's seen my message, read it and ignored it. 

I like this girl, but I don't want to come across as needy and desperate, so I've decided I am not going to initiate conversation or ask her to hang out again. As far as if she asks me, I do want to see her but I don't want to seem like she can just mess me around like this. The easy option would be just to forget about her, but it's difficult when I really like her. 

The only thing I can think of is she said she was worried about liking me so much because she doesn't want to get hurt so she's just getting cold feet or she just isn't into me (but why would she invite me to meet her twice if she didn't care) or she really is just terrible with her phone. Still, can you see why I'm confused? I'd appreciate some thoughts on this. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by Moos

[Piddy]

You've done enough by showing your interest.  If she' really interested she'll contact you.  I'd not contact her anymore.

Edited February 2, 2020 by Piddy

[Calmandfocused]

She’s either seeing someone else, still has feelings for someone else, or she’s interested in someone else. 
 

There’s a saying that I hate (and tends to be used by youngsters not 40 year old like me) but is quite appropriate in this instance: She’s mugging you off! 
 

Op, she’s disrespecting you by making plans with you then ignoring you. She’s not invested and is playing games. 
 

Get rid and move on is my advice. 

[Interstellar]

She’s inconsistent. She’s out. Throw her number away. Block and delete.

Edited February 2, 2020 by Interstellar

[smackie9]

Hey things come up, and you don't really know her situation. So back off and let her contact you. If she doesn't contact you to make plans, then ditch her. It is what it is.

[preraph]

It sounds like this girl does have involvement with another man probably.  I mean, it's early days, so that should be okay, but that will make her not always available.  I think she may have another bf or an ex in the picture or something.  But like everyone else says, Just see if she contacts you.  However, if she cancels last minute again on a definite date, I would say bad manners and who needs her.  

[Marc878]

Whats to like about this situation?

stop chasing.

[Mystery4u]

Why are you letting her treat you like this?

If someone I was dating would be blatantly ignoring me and not replying, and not letting me know plans after inviting me somewhere, hence me making myself available on that day, I would be bringing it up for sure cos that's just plain rude.

[Moos]

Thanks for the replies. She’s on social media doing her usual thing and still no follow up or even a hey. It’s still early days so I don’t know if this is just something she does. Ive decided to give it a couple of days and then I’m gonna call her out on it and just say something like ‘I guess you’re not interested anymore. Which is a shame because I thought we got on well together!’ And just leave it at that. 

She may reply with a reason why or may not reply at all but either way, I will know 100% what’s going on. 

[ms.stressed]

Don't ever initiate contact. Let it happen and leave it alone. 

 

She's not interested in you. 

 

Never believe a drunk woman's feelings...just don't. Especially id they're happy. Happy drunks are the worst liars...

 

#a message from a happy drunk.

 

[kendahke]

 

14 hours ago, Moos said:

My issue is, she isn't great at replying to me which was obvious from the very beginning,

She would read my messages and not reply,

all I got was that she was hungover and nothing else.

I waited until the next day and she said something came up which is why we never met.

she didn't reply at all after that and hasn't replied to me since. 24 hours later

I haven't heard from her at all since she asked me to watch a movie

she's seen my message, read it and ignored it. 

Yes, people have busy lives, things come up...

but to cut the line and let you drift for weeks at a time and not reach out?  No, she's not interested/motivated enough to put in effort to show her interest... or to say anything about making it up to you by taking you out.

I'd leave her alone. Her behavior is telling you that's what she wants.

[ccas93]

I highly recommending dropping this girl and stop letting her play the weird games with you. She's either thoughtless in general, on the fence about you (best case scenario, IMO), or just doesn't really respect you.

I'd say even if she does like you, she's a poor communicator and you don't seem like you're compatible with that. You do notice when she ignores you, and it sounds like it's taking discipline for you not to bring it up to her. Even if she did want to move forward with the relationship, I don't think you'd even be happy with this girl based on what kind of communication/availability it seems like you want.

Edited February 3, 2020 by ccas93
extra thoughts

[ExpatInItaly]

Her silence is your answer, OP. 

She could have been straightforward with you, yes. Unfortunately, a lot of people have trouble being direct when they're not interested. I don't think she is intentionally trying to be malicious but she isn't mature enough to be honest with you, either. 

I don't think that sending her another message is necessary at this point. 

[smackie9]

13 hours ago, Moos said:

 I’m gonna call her out on it and just say something like ‘I guess you’re not interested anymore. Which is a shame because I thought we got on well together!’ And just leave it at that. 

 

This^^^ is a passive aggressive maneuver that is cringe worthy. If want to know what is up, just simply ask her, with confidence, if she is still interested.

[Silver_star]

I agree with above. Don't send the passive aggressive message. It sounds like she is not ready for dropping other commitments/guys or whatever it might be to spend time with you. Could be a lot of things going on in her life that you just don't know about. If you send that message she will just shrug you off completely. Maybe she is not over another guy, or maybe she is seeing multiple men at the moment, maybe she is just not focused on relationships. 

Either allow the fade out that it seems like she is attempting and let her go, or you could take one last shot and say "Hey, did you still feel like hanging out soon? I really enjoyed our time together last time and want to pick up where we left off if you are still interested". Leave it at that. If she does not respond to you that day there is your answer. If she says yes, and then blows you off again, there is your answer. You can decide what you limit is on getting the brush off from her.

[The Outlaw]

She may legit be busy, but we make time for the people we want in our lives and if she were interested, she'd MAKE the time. Move on. She isn't worth it. 

[Miss Spider]

She’s 👏 not 👏 interested 👏

☹️ Sorry man 

[Twizzlestick]

18 hours ago, Moos said:

Thanks for the replies. She’s on social media doing her usual thing and still no follow up or even a hey. It’s still early days so I don’t know if this is just something she does. Ive decided to give it a couple of days and then I’m gonna call her out on it and just say something like ‘I guess you’re not interested anymore. Which is a shame because I thought we got on well together!’ And just leave it at that. 

She may reply with a reason why or may not reply at all but either way, I will know 100% what’s going on. 

Hope this catches you in time Moos. I urge you to consider not sending that message. I’ve received one of them and it makes you look like a toddler having a tantrum. Never mind what she thinks anyway, you’ll regret it. Ditch the number now or just leave it be. If she eventually sends a message and it’s weak sauce  - jettison 

 

stay off her socials too. Bad for your positives waves.

Edited February 3, 2020 by Twizzlestick

[Miss Spider]

18 hours ago, Moos said:

Thanks for the replies. She’s on social media doing her usual thing and still no follow up or even a hey. It’s still early days so I don’t know if this is just something she does. Ive decided to give it a couple of days and then I’m gonna call her out on it and just say something like ‘I guess you’re not interested anymore. Which is a shame because I thought we got on well together!’ And just leave it at that. 

She may reply with a reason why or may not reply at all but either way, I will know 100% what’s going on. 

But you already do know. Think about it. You do. She has had ample opportunity to connect with you, but she’s been choosing  not to. That is your answer.

if you send that cringe message it will just confirm in her mind she made the right choice. Seriously why do guys do this 

Edited February 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[hercules22]

most of the time when people send mixed signals they have low interest or occupied with someone else and keeping you in there orbit guessing she has higher interest for someone else.

never chase if they flake multiple times just stop all together it seems like you given plenty of chances and she still stands you up if she comes around you then decide what you want to do if you havnt found someone else

[rjc149]

On 2/2/2020 at 7:42 AM, Moos said:

she said she was looking forward to seeing me again.

Her words are merely a reflection of her momentary emotional state. Her actions will tell you her true feelings, not her words. 

I'm going to surmise at a few possible scenarios. 

1. You came off as too eager, too interested, too available. You probably never answered any of her invitations with "I've got something going on then, but howabout (day/time)?" You were doing too much pursuing. At the early stages of dating, most women with options will run from any sign or sense of neediness or desperation in men. 

On 2/2/2020 at 7:42 AM, Moos said:

She met her best friend and asked if I wanted to meet her and her best friend the following evening for some drinks. I was keen to do so and said to let me know a plan. That day came and I asked her to let me know if that was still happening, all I got was that she was hungover and nothing else. 

She invites you on a "date" with her friend to make sure things stay platonic, and you're chomping at the bit at any opportunity to be graced by her Highness' presence. The proper response is "I'm going to be out with friends, but hit me up later if you're still out." This means: "if you have any interest in me romantically, you'll ditch your friend and come see me." Don't tolerate anything else.

And if a girl says "I'll let you know," don't follow up. If you don't hear from her within a reasonable time frame for advance notice, make other plans, and stick to those other plans if she hits you up last minute. Be busy, have a social life, have things going on. Don't be waiting at her beck and call. 

On 2/2/2020 at 7:42 AM, Moos said:

The last time we saw each other, we had a few drinks and we really opened up about how we liked each other

 Yeah dude. Already professing your feelings on what, the 2nd, maybe 3rd date? I'm seeing a pattern. 

2. She's dating/seeing other men. Going from above, you lost out to a stronger, more alpha prospect who knew the game better than you do. 

3. If you took her home from the bar and banged her that night, don't for a second think you're the only guy she'd go home with for a drunk a-bar hookup. If this is how things started, this is likely all she sees you as. 

4. It has nothing to do with how she is with her phone. She didn't respond because she isn't interested. It's that simple. 

 

On 2/2/2020 at 7:42 AM, Moos said:

I don't want to come across as needy and desperate, so I've decided I am not going to initiate conversation or ask her to hang out again. 

Good, this is exactly your next move. Which is none at all. Never reach out to her again. For any reason. If she reaches out to you, wait a day before replying. If she suggests meeting up, the only place you will go to meet her is to the front door of your house to let her in. 

Edited February 5, 2020 by rjc149

[rightondude]

yeah don't go reaching out or looking for an answer. Just chill. If she wants you at all, she will likely be more interested/intrigued if you just drop contact. Wouldn't be a bad idea to post yourself having a good time doing other stuff as well. But for goodness sake don't be asking "why? why?????" ... it won't do ANY good. You will NOT get a truthful answer.

 

[Allupinnit]

Don't add people to your social media so casually.  Nothing good ever comes of it, especially if they're a romantic interest.

Better yet ditch social media altogether.  Life's better.  She's doing the slow fade, I'm afraid.  Interested people act interested, bottom line.

Edited February 5, 2020 by Allupinnit

[SJ1975]

On 2/2/2020 at 1:05 PM, Interstellar said:

She’s inconsistent. She’s out. Throw her number away. Block and delete.

Not that easy to do if you like the person and they are giving you signals. 

I'm in the same boat and she's doing my head in but there's something tell me to pursue. 😏

[Marc878]

It’s just projection. I’m interested so she must be too.

Thats not how it works.