Liminal303 Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 Hi everyone, recently I've begun to develop feelings for a co-worker and I wanted to ask people here for advice on how to handle this situation. She started working at my job about 7 months ago and though I didn't fall for her instantly the moment she was first introduced to me, I did notice her good looks and sunny personality right away. I think everything started to change at the beginning of november. I began noticing small changes in the way we treat eachother. I don't know or remember who made the first move but from my point of view she sees me as more than just a colleague. Guys can be pretty oblivious to signals women send to them, but I don't believe I'm imagining things here. Every morning she comes over to my desk to say hi, she's always trying to crack jokes and have fun with me. Sometimes when she passes by my desk she touches my arm or shoulder or briefly and softly runs her fingers along my back. Also when I'm talking to one of my other co-workers and she walks by she sometimes pokes my side or playfully bumps into me and when we're talking to eachother she gets close to me (closer than you normally would when talking to someone) all the while maintaining eye contact. Sounds amazing you'd say, but there is one problem: she's already in a relationship. I don't want to ruin that. Especially since my work is also involved, it could potentionally get very awkward. But all the same, it's very difficult to keep my distance from her, because I really do like her. I used to like the weekends, for obvious reasons, but now they've become 2 long days of seperation from her. I think I need to be more careful, because other people at work have already noticed and started commenting on our behaviour. Realistically speaking I need to realize that this probably isn't a smart thing to continue, but I can't shut down my feelings. I don't want to quit my job, I like it. But I don't think my feelings for her will disappear as long as we keep seeing each other 5 days a week. What is the best thing to do? Do you think she really likes me or am I overthinking this? Any advice would really be appreciated.
Interstellar Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 (edited) She’s new at her job so I would take it with a grain of salt. This happened to me too but that’s all it is. She’s in a relationship so that’s all you need to know. And yes, you have to be careful if you love your job. Edited February 2, 2020 by Interstellar
Piddy Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 (edited) Tough one. Maybe try being honest with her and tell her the flirting issue is a problem for you knowing she's in a relationship. She what she says. She may just be trying to be overly friendly because she's new. Could be you're reading more into it than is actually there. Edited February 2, 2020 by Piddy
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 1 hour ago, Liminal303 said: What is the best thing to do? Do you think she really likes me or am I overthinking this? I think she's a flirty girl who thinks you are a fun / nice colleague -- someone to pass the work day with. The romance aspect is all in your head fueled by your attraction to her. The best thing to do is find somebody to date outside of work. 1
Calmandfocused Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 If she’s treating you differently to your colleagues, including blurring the physical boundaries with you then I agree that the chances are high that she’s attracted to you. However: It cannot be denied that she is in a relationship and that the physical contact she is giving you is inappropriate and disrespectful to her relationship. I wonder how her partner would feel about that? If she does not know how to assert appropriate boundaries with other males (in a work and social environment) whilst in a relationship, then you may find that you are on the receiving end of this behaviour one day. Something to think about op.
salparadise Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 40 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: It cannot be denied that she is in a relationship and that the physical contact she is giving you is inappropriate and disrespectful to her relationship. I wonder how her partner would feel about that? It's not OP's job to put her partner's interest ahead of his. That's her job. She may be more than ready to burn and turn that relationship. His problem is that it's happening in the workplace, and he's not wanting to mess that up. OP, I think you're going to have to choose between acting on this and preserving your integrity in the workplace. I don't think you should mess it up over a fling... but, if the attraction and feelings are over the top, and you could see yourself being with her for the long haul, well, that might be more important than the job. It's not a given that you'd lose the job, but that's a risk you have to factor into the equation. Sometimes when opportunity knocks you'd be crazy not to open the door. I don't see this as a morality issue so much as deciding which path will leave you with no regrets. 1
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 I have a bubbly personality and talk and take interest in everyone around me, that included the parking guy at my office. Soon he misinterpreted my friendlyness for love interest. It happens with men, they have a hard time distinguishing the 2. I think it's just her personality, she's a touchy girl and you're taking this for romantic interest. Also, if ever she is flirting with you, how can you ever trust this woman if you get together! 1
Beendaredonedat Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 What is the best thing to do? Do you think she really likes me or am I overthinking this? Any advice would really be appreciated. Every time she does something that you believe to be inappropriate behaviour for someone who is in a relationship, mention her boyfriend in some subtle way. Keep it upfront that you know she's in a relationship. You might even tell her to please stop doing that because your girlfriend would be offended with the behaviour. (lie if you don't have a g/f and then get out there and start pursuing single women so you have their attention and not just hers). Mentioning her boyfriend is an action that blocks people's inappropriate flirting. It is used by long term couples who have kept their relationships successful and true. It doesn't matter if her relationship is happy and she's just a flirter in general or her relationship is on the rocks and ready to end. What she does is inappropriate for someone who isn't single. Protect your work reputation and block her attempts to get your attention. 2
smackie9 Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I think she's a flirty girl who thinks you are a fun / nice colleague -- someone to pass the work day with. The romance aspect is all in your head fueled by your attraction to her. This^^^ I have been with my company for years and this just sounds like co-worker bonding. New guy I work with, same thing, we have a good rapport, does the poke/ or nudge, crack jokes. The thing is we are both married. There is absolutely nothing romantic going on. We are two adults that get along, and in our industry, you have to make light of everything to get through the stress everyday. To me she's taken a friend zone shine to you, that's it. In any case you should be keeping it to yourself before it gets you into trouble. If it is what you think it is, that's more bad news. If she is willing to over step her boundaries with her BF, then she will have np problem over stepping her boundaries with you. Edited February 2, 2020 by smackie9
Author Liminal303 Posted February 2, 2020 Author Posted February 2, 2020 I didn't expect to get so many replies already Anyway, I've given it some more thought and I do think she likes me more than just a co-worker, judging by the way she behaves around me that I've never seen her do around other men at work. Even other co-workers have noticed and commented on it. 16 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said: Every time she does something that you believe to be inappropriate behaviour for someone who is in a relationship, mention her boyfriend in some subtle way. Keep it upfront that you know she's in a relationship. You might even tell her to please stop doing that because your girlfriend would be offended with the behaviour. (lie if you don't have a g/f and then get out there and start pursuing single women so you have their attention and not just hers). Sounds like an effective method, but I'm not sure if that's my way of solving this. Plus she knows I haven't got a girlfriend, because she asked me once. Keeping my distance from her is not going to be easy either, because my work is closely linked to her work. I don't want to go cold on her overnight. I don't even think I could. This has kind of flipped my life upside down. I haven't felt anything like this for anyone in quite some time. 2 hours ago, salparadise said: OP, I think you're going to have to choose between acting on this and preserving your integrity in the workplace. I don't think you should mess it up over a fling... but, if the attraction and feelings are over the top, and you could see yourself being with her for the long haul, well, that might be more important than the job. It's not a given that you'd lose the job, but that's a risk you have to factor into the equation. Sometimes when opportunity knocks you'd be crazy not to open the door. I don't see this as a morality issue so much as deciding which path will leave you with no regrets. Thank you for this advice. It's a dilemma for me though. There are no certainties, which makes it so difficult.
preraph Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 Are you an equal coworker to her or are you in a more senior position? I ask because some women will flirt to climb up the ladder. Also, are you saying she doesn't do this to anyone there but you? The fact she's letting other people see this worries me. I mean, what is she getting out of that? In the end, that will make everyone distrust her. I just want you to examine her motives. Were you the first person there to befriend her, so maybe that's why it's you and not others? Are more people more cautious about it? I would just be a little more aloof and maybe avoid her touching you. If necessary, I would tell her the office is talking. If you are in any type of managerial or superior position to her, I would make it stop and not get involved because she likely is just buttering you up for advancement -- unless she starts doing the same thing to others there because she is just a gregarious personality, and that would have to include women. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 (edited) Why don't you just ask her what her deal is next time she acts INAPPROPRIATELY? (it is inappropriate if she is in a relationship). Tell her that her flirting is making you feel awkward and to cut it out. Your reluctance to end the attention she gives you is causing you to slide down a slippery slope to a moral, emotional, reputational quagmire. So: Start thinking straight and with your own logic instead of emotion. This will NOT end up well for you if you don't shut it down. Get your own girlfriend and stop being this woman's attention supply. Edited February 2, 2020 by Beendaredonedat 2
Ruby Slippers Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 You're smart to leave this alone, given that she has a boyfriend and is flirting with you at work. She's obviously not a good girlfriend. She's toying with you for the ego boost and attention outside her relationship, and you're falling right into her snare. If you did end up with her, she'd do the same thing to you. It's absolutely not worth risking your career to welcome the flirtation of some deceiving woman. If I were you, I'd pull way back and stop any flirting reciprocation from your side. This will probably only bring out more flirtation from her. She's not worth your time, certainly not worth risking your professional reputation. 1
Calmandfocused Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 I 100% agree with Beentheredonethat and Ruby Slippers. However judging by your reply I get the impression that you just wanted validation that this woman likes you and you don’t particularly care about the consequences. You want her and that’s all you’re focused on at present. As soon as you get your opportunity you will welcome this woman monkey branching from her current boyfriend to you. I hope she’s worth it Op. 1
Mystery4u Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 It's not your responsibility to worry about her boyfriend, that's her responsibility. If you don't act then I guarantee it will constantly be on your mind. Ask her out for a drink. If she says 'I can't sorry my boyfriend bla bla' then it's a simple 'Ok well if your situation changes in the future let me know and maybe I will upgrade the drink offer to a dinner offer ;-)' If she says yes then go and find out what the deal is when you are 1 on 1. At work it's too tricky. While it goes against the advice of others who say to leave it, at least this way you will have your answer. Think about #1.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 This one is very tricky ... but the bottom line is either talk to her about this or ... erect some boundaries between you and her. Like don't smile and acknowledge her every time she does her thing when she sees you. Here's what's tricky ... She might well be attracted to you ... and be flirting with you in a way that says she wants a relationship ... that can all be true ... and at the same time, she may not want to get involved with you right now. I had a good friend at work who would flirt with me ... she was married ... somehow, we had a code that made clear she was playing ... so sure, I thought she was attracted to me ... but I never thought she wanted to get involved with me. We actually became great friends ... Spent zero time fantasizing about more with her. But time with her would build my dating confidence. There is another problem with your situation ... besides the confusing signals ... Let's say she does want to get involved with you ... If she's in a relationship, that's not good, right? You don't want to step in the middle of someone's situation. You don't want her to go from one person to the other immediately--that almost never works. Put up some distance ... ignore her some ... this ain't going anywhere.
OnlyHonesty Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 If she's doing this behind her bfs back, then she will do the same if you were with her. This is simply an opportunity to practice and learn better self control, as all of us men should. She already has a bf tending to her physical needs, and she is just using you to tend to her emotional / egoic ones. Why give her more than her fair share of cake? I suggest you take all of the sexual energy that you feel around her, and channel / transmute it into something else. Other than that, you can just keep it strictly business only when in conversation, and challenge her if she touches you. 1
Blind-Sided Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 Well... as already said... she's in a relationship. Also... people flirt at work. It's not a big deal, and not meant to go past anything other than flirting. It's fun, and helps the day go by. Not to mention, you build relationships with co-workers that may help later. The problem is now... you have taken the harmless flirting to another point, where it shouldn't have gone. I don't think backing off is the right thing to do... but mentally you need to tall yourself that there is nothing more to it. When I had a normal "9 to 5" kind of job, and I was married... there was several girls who I flirted with. It made me feel good, and it made them feel good too. Not to mention... these girls were all in different departments, so I could normally get things accomplished faster than most of my colleagues because I had a good bond with these people, where my colleagues would drop stuff on their desk and say... I need that by Friday. Where I would give it to them, talk about their weekend... and say... "No rush." I would generally have it back the next morning with a smile. Anyway... have fun with it, but forget about it turning into a relationship.
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