I'm struggling with dating and feeling obligated

[preraph]

I don't think you necessarily came across as a woman.  It's just that the way you phrased your complaint, it's one we hear more often from women here on Loveshack.  

 

And, of course, like many people, your profile says, Gender, rather not say.  So you go with the most likely scenario~

[Lotsgoingon]

Since this is a pattern and not a one-off event, that means you can anticipate. Go ahead and prepare a prewritten line to send out ... right it out ... save it ... call it up when needed.

It was great talking to you ... I enjoyed meeting you. I don't think we would work as romantic partners. 

It's great to write out things ahead of time because in the emotional moment, it sounds like you're getting flustered ... in the meantime see if you can turn down the enthusiasm when you're meeting someone you are NOT interested in.

If there is no difference between how you are with someone you are not interested in ... vs. someone you are interested in ... there's a problem. Why should someone you really do connect with on a date ... trust the energy between you two if there is no difference between how you respond to her and how you respond to someone you're not interested in? See the problem?

This can easy carry on to a good relationship ... you are feeling that there is a problem with the relationship and instead of letting that show a bit in your body language and energy ... your partner will likely have NO IDEA that you're unhappy. 

It may be that these women aren't good at reading cues ... but it might be that you are bringing an inappropriately high amount of enthusiasm to dates when after a few minutes, you really want to be pulling back. 

Write out a line to send to people ... but also see if you can  turn down the pleasant energy.

 

 

 

[Twizzlestick]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Since this is a pattern and not a one-off event, that means you can anticipate. Go ahead and prepare a prewritten line to send out ... right it out ... save it ... call it up when needed.

It was great talking to you ... I enjoyed meeting you. I don't think we would work as romantic partners. 

It's great to write out things ahead of time because in the emotional moment, it sounds like you're getting flustered ... in the meantime see if you can turn down the enthusiasm when you're meeting someone you are NOT interested in.

If there is no difference between how you are with someone you are not interested in ... vs. someone you are interested in ... there's a problem. Why should someone you really do connect with on a date ... trust the energy between you two if there is no difference between how you respond to her and how you respond to someone you're not interested in? See the problem?

This can easy carry on to a good relationship ... you are feeling that there is a problem with the relationship and instead of letting that show a bit in your body language and energy ... your partner will likely have NO IDEA that you're unhappy. 

It may be that these women aren't good at reading cues ... but it might be that you are bringing an inappropriately high amount of enthusiasm to dates when after a few minutes, you really want to be pulling back. 

Write out a line to send to people ... but also see if you can  turn down the pleasant energy.

 

 

 

Nice one! Taken on board 

[Twizzlestick]

i should expand. I’m not like a springer spaniel. I’m just a normal pleasant bloke who’s capable of discussion. I’m not ever talking up future plans or even flirting or touching or holding gazes. I’ve actually been moaned at for not flirting (they still acted shocked when I didn’t want to continue). Not too nice. I actually wonder what kind of brain dead ignorants some of these girls had dated before if they think just a normal pleasant person is giving off “let’s get married” signals in their minds.

In reles I don’t hide my thoughts. It tends to come out as distance if I’m off. Flawed yeah, not ideal but it’s obvious when all’s not well.

 

And this is all on the first date. Heck, people change their minds after 3/4/5. They can’t all be giving off disinterested signals all the way? Surely folk are allowed to change their minds.

 

Ive taken it on board though, I’ll try to be less Er, pleasant or talkative. I suspect it’ll be like a car crash as I am who I am, and it’s starting to irk me that I’ve got to go on a date being someone I’m not just to appease people who don’t give you the respect of time and space to take it one date at a time. But if that’s the way dating is these days. The note thing is a good idea.

 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Twizzlestick

[preraph]

And of course, if you are TOO stoic, this will provide a blank slate upon which the dreamers can project their ideal person in their head up on you! I think maybe just letting them all know you are "actively dating" right up front might be the best deterrent for them to keep their pants on.

[Twizzlestick]

11 minutes ago, preraph said:

And of course, if you are TOO stoic, this will provide a blank slate upon which the dreamers can project their ideal person in their head up on you! I think maybe just letting them all know you are "actively dating" right up front might be the best deterrent for them to keep their pants on.

 

Yup

 

Im thinking of coming up with an opening line “this is a first date. You don’t know me, I don’t know you. You might be mental. I might snore and leave the milk without the cap on. What have we had? A face, some words. Nothing. I knew more about my car before I signed the lease than I do about you. We’ll have a nice time, have a drink. You want to see me as I am, so I’ll be me. You be you. Nothing inferred. Nothing promised. No unsaid conclusions. Mutual respect. We finish, go home. You decide in your own time if you want another and I’ll do the same. Rinse and repeat, one date at a time, for as long as it takes. Enjoy the day. No ownership, no contracts, no temper tantrums, no coercing. One date at at time. Until/if we’re mutual and then at any time, we can each leave. No ownership. Free will and all”

 

i suspect that’ll weed out 100 percent of dates and I’ll die with me dog, but you know. There’s worse fates. He does snore though.

[rjc149]

I’ll second the perception here that your stated concern on this thread does come off as rather feminine, and I did need to scan your posts to confirm that you are indeed male before I replied. Turning down lots of willing dates because there’s no “connection” and feeling anxiety about it just isn’t something I hear being an issue with most heterosexual men. 

Edited February 1, 2020 by rjc149

[Twizzlestick]

7 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

I’ll second the perception here that your stated concern on this thread does come off as rather feminine, and I did need to scan your posts to confirm that you are indeed male before I replied. Turning down lots of willing dates because there’s no “connection” feeling anxiety about it just isn’t something I hear being an issue with most heterosexual men. 

Sorry. You’ve completely misunderstood 

Its not anxiety because there’s no connection.

I gave the reason to these dates for not continueing  as “no spark” as it’s an easy a let down as any. No point saying “I don’t fancy you as much as I hoped”. The reasons were I was on the fence about whether I fancied them. Some blokes are digital like insects, they either 100 percent fancy someone or not. I’m not. That’s by the by, the anxiety comes from the pressure of how they react when you dint want a second date. That’s the point 

the anxiety is nothing to do with connection. It is as I explained because I’ve found more than one getting decided pissed off with me when I turned them down for a second date. I’ve had one woman go completely loco and borderline police territory when I said no and it’s made it worse. 

 

It’s not that I didn’t fancy them at all, I just was a bit “mm”. Sure I would want to sleep with them, guys are like that, but I’m not after that, I know chasing just that brings worse headaches. If not wanting to chase them merely to bang them makes me feminine then what ha?

if they were a bit more cool and free minded I’d have easily gone on second dates and even gone physical to see if we were compatible. 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Twizzlestick

[preraph]

I suspect that despite your best efforts to be unappealing, it is your humor that is rendering them helpless to your charms.  

[Twizzlestick]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

I suspect that despite your best efforts to be unappealing, it is your humor that is rendering them helpless to your charms.  

 

You don’t need me to tell you I’m am decidly not funny. I’ve had funnier headcolds! I think they fancy my dog. I’ll blame the dog. He can’t answer back.

[preraph]

Well, that's true.  It's probably not helping you any.  Maybe, like single parents, you should not let them meet the dog until you're pretty sure they're a keeper.  Or to close the deal.  I won't lie; I kept seeing a guy once solely because he brought his iguana with him when he flew into town to see me.  

[Twizzlestick]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well, that's true.  It's probably not helping you any.  Maybe, like single parents, you should not let them meet the dog until you're pretty sure they're a keeper.  Or to close the deal.  I won't lie; I kept seeing a guy once solely because he brought his iguana with him when he flew into town to see me.  

I have just blown tea through my nose laughing at that!

Please tell me the iguana turned up all dressed for it in a little suit? Upstaged by his iguana. I bet they had a right old ding dong on the flight home. Igunana sitting all smug on his seat with your man all butthurt and sulking.

[preraph]

Well, that's a pretty picture, but no, the iguana was naked.  That's how I like my iguanas.  

[Lotsgoingon]

You'll be fine ... You don't need to make any formal changes ahead of time ... much better to adjust in the moment.

You also want to turn up your emotional distance (which might take some practice) as the date goes on ... and certainly on the way out. If you're not interested, drop the smile ... unless you're willing to come out and say, "Hey I'd like to be friends." As in not lovers.

Edited February 2, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[chillii]

For a start it doesn't matter if she senses some weakness , otherwise known as nerves , big deal , l mean common . lf that's all it takes and the limit of her comprehension and patience in this stuff then she could take a damn hyke far as l'd be concerned . lf she feels anything special about him , which is bloody hard to find for anyone , male or female, then she's not gonna walk off just because of a few nerves , believe me, she'll probably even find it cute.

But yeah , that's obviously not even op's problem anyway , opposite in fact. But op , seems as you have no problem talking away , which a lot of women love anyway in my experience as long as it's not all about him, try just  getting across early up to her that you just wanna take it slowly , get to know someone, your not rushing into anything, or something like that anyway , put it anyway you want.

 Hopefully something like that sorta gently keeps her expectations in first gear for awhile.

[spiderowl]

If you are a skilled communicator and pleasant company, this is quite likely to happen.  I have had a similar problem with guys thinking it is much more because I was good company I suppose.  I prefer to treat people well and not freeze and become cold if I am not as attracted/interested as I thought I would be.  It is a matter of respect.  Why that should be interpreted as being more than it is, I don't know.

I think if you say up front that you want to meet women, get to know them without pressure, then they cannot expect more.  It is then up to them whether they continue to see you or not.  This does not stop people catching feelings though.  I think you cannot hold yourself responsible for the impact of your personality.  You can hold yourself responsible for misleading a woman though.  If you say you are looking for commitment straightaway, then that could be misleading.

Because of your fear, it is very likely that you are opting out before you have chance to get to know a woman.  I can understand you do not want to get too involved if you feel it cannot go anywhere, but if it is an open situation - you like them and would like to get to know them better at this stage - then go for it and be honest about your feelings.  Tell them it is early and you'd just like to get to know them better at this point with no pressure on either side.  See how it goes.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience.

 

 

 

Edited February 5, 2020 by spiderowl

[Twizzlestick]

20 hours ago, spiderowl said:

If you are a skilled communicator and pleasant company, this is quite likely to happen.  I have had a similar problem with guys thinking it is much more because I was good company I suppose.  I prefer to treat people well and not freeze and become cold if I am not as attracted/interested as I thought I would be.  It is a matter of respect.  Why that should be interpreted as being more than it is, I don't know.

I think if you say up front that you want to meet women, get to know them without pressure, then they cannot expect more.  It is then up to them whether they continue to see you or not.  This does not stop people catching feelings though.  I think you cannot hold yourself responsible for the impact of your personality.  You can hold yourself responsible for misleading a woman though.  If you say you are looking for commitment straightaway, then that could be misleading.

Because of your fear, it is very likely that you are opting out before you have chance to get to know a woman.  I can understand you do not want to get too involved if you feel it cannot go anywhere, but if it is an open situation - you like them and would like to get to know them better at this stage - then go for it and be honest about your feelings.  Tell them it is early and you'd just like to get to know them better at this point with no pressure on either side.  See how it goes.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience.

 

 

 

Thanks spiderowl. Really good advice and the last paragraph is correct of me, it is holding me back actually.

[BrennaR]

@Twizzlestick You come across as a pleasant person. Therein lies your fault. I've known a few of you's and have had the same problem myself. Men have misunderstood my intentions because I was kind and receptive to them and I got in over my head with some of them. Your problem is boundaries. You have a problem enforcing your boundaries and you are people pleasing. You wouldn't be here if you were enforcing your boundaries, this means hat sometimes you have to be stern and strict and not necessarily liked. Practice boundaries and see how you handle it. 

[Twizzlestick]

3 hours ago, BrennaR said:

@Twizzlestick You come across as a pleasant person. Therein lies your fault. I've known a few of you's and have had the same problem myself. Men have misunderstood my intentions because I was kind and receptive to them and I got in over my head with some of them. Your problem is boundaries. You have a problem enforcing your boundaries and you are people pleasing. You wouldn't be here if you were enforcing your boundaries, this means hat sometimes you have to be stern and strict and not necessarily liked. Practice boundaries and see how you handle it. 

 

Thanks Brenna. That’s really interesting. I’ll have a look up of that.

[chillii]

Actually just checking this out again , l think you have my curse . well it sort of was anyway.

l always laugh to myself about all this dating and playing round  or 20 quickie relationships or so called everyone seems to have round here, l always read about , or dozens and dozens of different dates , l could never do any of that man l'd get myself into that much damn trouble.

For some reason women have always seen me as relationship material so anything usually got complicated and pressured very very fast .

 

 

[Fletch Lives]

On 2/1/2020 at 12:42 PM, Twizzlestick said:

Hi all.

i posted a while back about a nasty experience I had after I told someone I didn’t want to continue after a first date. I took some serious time out from dating after that. I’ve got a date coming up but I’ve got some anxieties. It’s actually the same concern I had before that bad date and that experience only made it worse - by a factor of TEN!

Basically I go on dates feeling slightly worried I might get in over my head before I’ve started. Weird on paper I know . What I find difficult and got threw back at me by that crazy person after my date is when I chat on text, I chat properly and enthusiastically. When I’m on the date I try to be engaging and I’m quite a talker so we end up talking lots. When I go away and am not sure and say to the other person “no spark” they seem to act like it was a done deal, citing how well we got on saying that I was misleading. The thing is that’s who I am, I can’t sit there sullen lest I give off the wrong impression. What would be the point?

it just feels to me that folk seem to think one date down, two dates down and it’s a done deal. It’s making me anxious. I’ll be the first to admit I’m hesitant after a rele breakup a year ago. I don’t want to rush into something not right for me. What’s your thoughts on this? In the U.K. the dating world seems far more role in early than the US where people seem to view dates more as “dates” (wish it were like that here). Chat to a girl via text, go on a couple of dates here and then say it’s not for you and you’re considered a real git. It seems. Thing is though, in my life I’ve had stacks (the majority!) of girls go on a few dates with me then lose interest.

 

Everyone seems in such a damn mad rush to strap people down via emotional contacts these days rather than letting it unfurl over time with mutual wish.

 

 

A few points:

This is why some people disappear or ghost - you don't know the person or how they will react to a verbal, "in your face" rejection - they may try to bite your head off........as you have experienced. While some people complain about being ghosted, it's actually natural. Dating is not for the faint of heart.

Is a first meet from online/phone a "meet", or a date? - that depends on how it goes.....if it's good, some will call it a date. If it's bad, it was just a meet, lol

Also, it sounds like you might be on the rebound. But you are dating, and that's good - it's actually good therapy for you - and the good news is, this post is about you..... it really is all about you here! And who knows when you are ready and meet the right one - no one can say.....it will just happen when it happens.

Welcome to dating - the world's biggest cat-and-mouse game.