I'm struggling with dating and feeling obligated

[Twizzlestick]

Hi all.

i posted a while back about a nasty experience I had after I told someone I didn’t want to continue after a first date. I took some serious time out from dating after that. I’ve got a date coming up but I’ve got some anxieties. It’s actually the same concern I had before that bad date and that experience only made it worse - by a factor of TEN!

Basically I go on dates feeling slightly worried I might get in over my head before I’ve started. Weird on paper I know . What I find difficult and got threw back at me by that crazy person after my date is when I chat on text, I chat properly and enthusiastically. When I’m on the date I try to be engaging and I’m quite a talker so we end up talking lots. When I go away and am not sure and say to the other person “no spark” they seem to act like it was a done deal, citing how well we got on saying that I was misleading. The thing is that’s who I am, I can’t sit there sullen lest I give off the wrong impression. What would be the point?

it just feels to me that folk seem to think one date down, two dates down and it’s a done deal. It’s making me anxious. I’ll be the first to admit I’m hesitant after a rele breakup a year ago. I don’t want to rush into something not right for me. What’s your thoughts on this? In the U.K. the dating world seems far more role in early than the US where people seem to view dates more as “dates” (wish it were like that here). Chat to a girl via text, go on a couple of dates here and then say it’s not for you and you’re considered a real git. It seems. Thing is though, in my life I’ve had stacks (the majority!) of girls go on a few dates with me then lose interest.

 

Everyone seems in such a damn mad rush to strap people down via emotional contacts these days rather than letting it unfurl over time with mutual wish.

[rjc149]

Maybe you’re anxiety and insecurities are showing on dates. Women are biologically wired to instinctively sense weakness in men. Even the most socially awkward, introverted bookworm woman can sniff it out. If she’s not very attractive, she may be more willing to look past it. If she’s got other options, she won’t. Modern dating, especially online, has given everyone — even fairly homely women — lots of options. It’s difficult to make a choice and stick with it. It’s difficult to date these days. When humans are inundated with choices, our development is stunted. 
 

All I can say is: work on your anxiety and insecurity. Live life as if you are already dead. Because you are. Be bold, escalate, and go for the kiss. You have little to lose.

Becoming better with women takes practice and experience. Don’t view each date as an outcome. Remove your expectations, and just have fun. View it as an experience that will help you grow into a more attractive man.

 

[Twizzlestick]

Thanks rcj. The problem is the other way round. Not tooting my horn but what I’ve found is these girls do want to see me again and get annoyed when I don’t. I had one terrible experience recently that I wrote about when I told one girl I didn’t want to continue. 

 

Its not netting more dates is the issue, its more stopping me going with the flow. I go in feeling slightly obligated if you know what I mean? If anything it makes me back out of second dates with someone I’m on the fence about rather than go for a second as I don’t want to cause hurt or get aggro. These people seem to roll in expectations quickly. Basically it’s turning something that should be fun into something I get quite worried about.

 

A bit like when you’re at the car sales place, you want to look at a car in your own time, fiddle with the knobs, try the seat out, read the info on it but don’t bother and leave promptly, as you can already spy the salesmen marching over ready to Shanghai you. Or one of those charity workers outside supermarkets that makes you feel like the worse person on the planet for not signing half your salary away to save the Ethiopian striped earwig from extinction. 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Twizzlestick

[smackie9]

Women get the same reaction to from rejecting guys too, so u are not alone. Omg there were time I would get the "You led me on!" crap as well. Some people are just sore losers. You have to grow a thicker skin my friend and not let their reaction get to you. How they feel is for you to not take personally.

Edited February 1, 2020 by smackie9

[preraph]

There are lots of guys out there who know exactly what they're doing who do things on their communications before you even met to try to get some sort of guarantee for sex. 

 

you are now aware that sometimes you get into deep before you even met so you need to just refuse to do that and to filter out the guys who are hinting about sex and always wanting to make everything sexy before you even met. You can be friendly and fun without going down that road. 

it goes without saying you should refuse all invitations that are not in public such as going to their home or them coming to yours. 

Do not feel bad for these guys because they know exactly what they're doing and it's all very calculated.  They are unreasonable. So just say no thank you and block them if you get that far and don't feel bad about it.

Edited February 1, 2020 by preraph

[Twizzlestick]

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

There are lots of guys out there who know exactly what they're doing who do things on their communications before you even met to try to get some sort of guarantee for sex. 

 

you are now aware that sometimes you get into deep before you even met so you need to just refuse to do that and to filter out the guys who are hinting about sex and always wanting to make everything sexy before you even met. You can be friendly and fun without going down that road. 

it goes without saying you should refuse all invitations that are not in public such as going to their home or them coming to yours. 

Do not feel bad for these guys because they know exactly what they're doing and it's all very calculated.  They are unreasonable. So just say no thank you and block them if you get that far and don't feel bad about it.

Thanks Preraph. I’m actually a man and it’s women who I’m dating I have had these anxieties/problems with 

[Twizzlestick]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Women get the same reaction to from rejecting guys too, so u are not alone. Omg there were time I would get the "You led me on!" crap as well. Some people are just sore losers. You have to grow a thicker skin my friend and not let their reaction get to you. How they feel is for you to not take personally.

Cheers smackie. Your comment gave me some energy. I guess I do need to let it roll off my back. The last experience made that hard and ended up netting me a stalker. But like you say, it’s not for me to worry about. 

[preraph]

8 minutes ago, Twizzlestick said:

Thanks Preraph. I’m actually a man and it’s women who I’m dating I have had these anxieties/problems with 

Well I'd say the same thing except their motivations are different.  It can drag on forever because women do you want to vet someone, but you do have to watch out for the ones who want you to be their boyfriend before you've met them. 

Again there are ways to be fun and entertaining without falling into a trap playing house with them. I would say if one starts acting too much like a girlfriend before you even meet, you just tell them you're uncomfortable with that and going to back off. There are some girls and guys out there perfectly happy doing nothing but chit-chatting. 

 

Ask them out soon if you are interested. If you really want to keep them from coming in too close too soon, let them know even before you go out that you go on dates with different people to see if any of them are a good fit. 

Edited February 1, 2020 by preraph

[Twizzlestick]

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well I'd say the same thing except their motivations are different.  It can drag on forever because women do you want to vet someone, but you do have to watch out for the ones who want you to be their boyfriend before you've met them. 

Again there are ways to be fun and entertaining without falling into a trap playing house with them. I would say if one starts acting too much like a girlfriend before you even meet, you just tell them you're uncomfortable with that and going to back off. There are some girls and guys out there perfectly happy doing nothing but chit-chatting. 

 

Ask them out soon if you are interested.

Smashing. That’s really helped, thanks. I need to learn to actually say when something is making me uncomfortable. I’m crap at it as I’ve found girls get hurt when I’ve said something. 

[Calmandfocused]

Twizzle 

I hear you. I’m from the uk too. Let me tell you I have exactly the same anxieties. 
 

It’s difficult to explain, but even after one date I feel a sort of .... pressure, a sense of obligation and an expectation of some sort of commitment. There is no commitment of course but that’s how it feels. Added to that i feel obliged to “break it off” even after one date when there was nothing to break off in the first place. 
 

Some time ago I tried multidating (to see if  I was missing a trick). I couldn’t continue, I felt like I was cheating on the men I was multidating and it just didn’t feel right. It sounds ridiculous but that’s how I felt. 
 

I’ve come to the conclusion that in the uk, it’s somewhat culturally ingrained in us to take a date seriously. I’m not saying that’s right, it just seems to be how it is. 
 

However, don’t let your recent experiences put you off. No uk woman I know reacts like that after they’ve been on one date.  Yes they may express some disappointment but they’d accept it gracefully. 
 

My advice is to continue being yourself but be mindful of anything you’re doing that would constitute “flirting” in the event that you don’t find your date attractive.
 

Also let her know ASAP after the date if you’re not feeling it and you can’t go wrong. 

[elaine567]

Stop leading them on, stop the chatting enthusiastically and talking nineteen to the dozen with women you re not interested in.
As soon as you realise you don't want to see them again then shut it down, early if necessary.
My guess you try hard to get them to like you, but that just makes it difficult for them to accept when you turn them down.
No doubt with all that charm offensive from you, they feel they have a great connection with you...

They then feel disappointed and stupid for getting it wrong, hence the upset and anger.

Edited February 1, 2020 by elaine567

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

Women are biologically wired to instinctively sense weakness in men.

Interesting. Never knew this was a thing. And yet, women, in general, seem to make the same mistake of getting involved with such men....again and again and again... or it could be that the OP is anxious based on her previous negative experiences?

[Twizzlestick]

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Stop leading them on, stop the chatting enthusiastically and talking nineteen to the dozen with women you re not interested in.
As soon as you realise you don't want to see them again then shut it down, early if necessary.
My guess you try hard to get them to like you, but that just makes it difficult for them to accept when you turn them down.
No doubt with all that charm offensive from you, they feel they have a great connection with you...

They then feel disappointed and stupid for getting it wrong, hence the upset and anger.

You’ve made a lot of pejorative assumptions about my character there Elaine. I suspect that comes from a predjucdicial view as you don’t know me? 

I don’t try hard to “get them to like me”, or certainly no more than any normal human does with another human. It’s going to be in there with anyone on a date, no one wants to be disliked. 

 

You describe it as a charm offensive as if it were a nefarious plan. All of which suggesting I’m some ne’er do well.

 

I am who I am, and that’s is someone who is outgoing and chatty. I’m like that with people in the street if we get talking. I’m like that at work, your rather have to be as everytime I work with someone it’s with strangers. 

 

i can’t change to being a mute version of myself on dates. I could but it would come across as if something were wrong. I can’t also stop chatting prior. It’s not all at my table. Girls like to talk prior to dates and make that clear. That’s not my fault. I do ask out early, but my airline schedule often means there’s a week or two before our times align. And in the meantime I find I get bombarded by messages. What’s a person to do then in your eyes lest they be accused of leading on? One word answers? Bare in mind I’ve never met these people so even if we show each other all the enthusiasm in the world why does that infer commitment. I’ve already found one person who did put in a charm offensive turn out to be a total psychopath. I was right to not want to see her again.

 

 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Twizzlestick

[Twizzlestick]

 

2 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Interesting. Never knew this was a thing. And yet, women, in general, seem to make the same mistake of getting involved with such men....again and again and again... or it could be that the OP is anxious based on her previous negative experiences?

 

Cheers Gr8

 

im actually a guy. Yes that previous experience did taint me. I went on a date, didn’t flirt (she complained I didn’t actually) and afterwards told her it wasn’t for me. That’s the brief version. She was extremely pushy on the date. It ended up in netting me 2 days of swearing and vitriol from her, abusive messages, multiple calls and photos from different phones and being stalked online. She was furious I didn’t want to see her again. It was a close call to bring the Police in when the online thing started. 

[rjc149]

If you're a red-blooded heterosexual male, I find it hard to believe you'd turn down more dates with an attractive girl because there was no "spark" on the first date. So, maybe you need to start pursuing girls you actually find sexually attractive to begin with, instead of dating anything with two X chromosomes and hoping for happily ever after.

If you find you're primarily the one rejecting girls you feel safe asking out on dates, you need to start taking more chances with women. If the women you're asking out don't appeal to you that much physically, then asking them out under romantic pretexts is kind of f--king with their heads and leading them on. 

If you're doing online dating, and the girl shows up significantly less attractive in person than in her photos, you have no reason to feel obligated or guilty. Have a few drinks, chat for a bit, then politely cut bait and move on. You don't owe her anything. Understand that rejection is something everyone -- you and her -- must experience in life. What makes you a good person is that you give, and take, rejection with compassion and grace. 

 

[ElecLibre]

I absolutely understand what you're feeling as I have the same "issue" but I'm a woman. I can make conversation quite easily and I'm very expressive and comfortable speaking to strangers. Luckily I've never had a "psycho" issue, I would just clearly say: I had a nice time but it's not quite what I'm looking for. 

You can't feel guilty for making people feel comfortable. Awkward silences and drawn out small talk is terrible for all involved. Just don't worry too much about it and enjoy the moments you share with these girls.

[Gr8fuln2020]

8 minutes ago, Twizzlestick said:

 

 

Cheers Gr8

 

im actually a guy. Yes that previous experience did taint me. I went on a date, didn’t flirt (she complained I didn’t actually) and afterwards told her it wasn’t for me. That’s the brief version. She was extremely pushy on the date. It ended up in netting me 2 days of swearing and vitriol from her, abusive messages, multiple calls and photos from different phones and being stalked online. She was furious I didn’t want to see her again. It was a close call to bring the Police in when the online thing started. 

My apologies.

Well, it certainly is clear something went wrong during the date. No one has the right to harass you because you decide not to continue with a relationship or go on another date if you have been transparent and forthcoming. I have only once been texted back after deciding not to see a lady again and that was to know why I didn't want to continue. Awkward, but was honest and it didn't feel all too great. I was about misrepresentation...

I dated a super hot 40-something some time ago and found out that her looks were simply not enough. Ugh. Most people want the attractive AND emotionally/intellectually compatible. I got the first, but the second revealed themselves to be severely lacking.

Edited February 1, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[Twizzlestick]

37 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Twizzle 

I hear you. I’m from the uk too. Let me tell you I have exactly the same anxieties. 
 

It’s difficult to explain, but even after one date I feel a sort of .... pressure, a sense of obligation and an expectation of some sort of commitment. There is no commitment of course but that’s how it feels. Added to that i feel obliged to “break it off” even after one date when there was nothing to break off in the first place. 
 

Some time ago I tried multidating (to see if  I was missing a trick). I couldn’t continue, I felt like I was cheating on the men I was multidating and it just didn’t feel right. It sounds ridiculous but that’s how I felt. 
 

I’ve come to the conclusion that in the uk, it’s somewhat culturally ingrained in us to take a date seriously. I’m not saying that’s right, it just seems to be how it is. 
 

However, don’t let your recent experiences put you off. No uk woman I know reacts like that after they’ve been on one date.  Yes they may express some disappointment but they’d accept it gracefully. 
 

My advice is to continue being yourself but be mindful of anything you’re doing that would constitute “flirting” in the event that you don’t find your date attractive.
 

Also let her know ASAP after the date if you’re not feeling it and you can’t go wrong. 

Thanks Calm. Good lord, what you wrote so chimed with me it’s like you can see exactly what I feel. You have the same identical feelings. I’m glad to hear you get it. Also you’re a woman am I right who finds this with guys so it’s the same regardless of gender as I’m a guy. I do think that’s important what you say about U.K. dating. That’s so true.

 

funny you mention the flirting. I think I’m holding back anyway as I’ve had two girls say that can’t read me on the date, as I didn’t give much flirting away ha. They still wanted to continue?! One was the strange individual who went ballistic when I said it wasn’t for me. I’d actually worked very hard not to flirt (she even said I hadn’t). What she complained about was my being “talky” and us “getting on so well” seemed to infer to her commitment. She then blew up for phone for two days but that’s on another thread. The weird thing is I look back at that and we just chatted. It made me think if you’re not into someone in future I should just walk out as seems these people take your mere presence as being a contract of wanting to continue.

 

its really got around my neck this (can you tell ha). That last bad date and it’s aftermath actually did affect me a little bit I think and my anxiety.

[Twizzlestick]

18 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

If you're a red-blooded heterosexual male, I find it hard to believe you'd turn down more dates with an attractive girl because there was no "spark" on the first date. So, maybe you need to start pursuing girls you actually find sexually attractive to begin with, instead of dating anything with two X chromosomes and hoping for happily ever after.

If you find you're primarily the one rejecting girls you feel safe asking out on dates, you need to start taking more chances with women. If the women you're asking out don't appeal to you that much physically, then asking them out under romantic pretexts is kind of f--king with their heads and leading them on. 

If you're doing online dating, and the girl shows up significantly less attractive in person than in her photos, you have no reason to feel obligated or guilty. Have a few drinks, chat for a bit, then politely cut bait and move on. You don't owe her anything. Understand that rejection is something everyone -- you and her -- must experience in life. What makes you a good person is that you give, and take, rejection with compassion and grace. 

 

Well the problem is I’ve never met them in real life. All I’ve had is a scant “dossier”. A few grainy photos and the many texts they send.

They look attractive on photos but when you meet the real three dimensional person and their personality it’s often very different and hence the no spark. To be honest that’s often a good a as polite an excuse as it serves no purpose telling someone I dont fancy them or their mannerisms were putting me off. I’m not digital thinking in shall I continue as in “100 percent I am all in”. Are some or most people like that? I wish my mind was ha.

 

what you say about red blooded Male. Sure there’s a big bit of me that would like to continue as I find someone physically attractive but there’s often something else that’s putting me off. I’m anxious as it is about letting someone down after the first date, let alone be a type to persue someone on looks alone ha. 

 

Edited February 1, 2020 by Twizzlestick

[Twizzlestick]

11 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

My apologies.

Well, it certainly is clear something went wrong during the date. No one has the right to harass you because you decide not to continue with a relationship or go on another date if you have been transparent and forthcoming. I have only once been texted back after deciding not to see a lady again and that was to know why I didn't want to continue. Awkward, but was honest and it didn't feel all too great. I was about misrepresentation...

I dated a super hot 40-something some time ago and found out that her looks were simply not enough. Ugh. Most people want the attractive AND emotionally/intellectually compatible. I got the first, but the second revealed themselves to be severely lacking.

Thanks mate. It was pretty bad. She was a broken person I think. Something wrong 

[Gr8fuln2020]

4 minutes ago, Twizzlestick said:

Thanks mate. It was pretty bad. She was a broken person I think. Something wrong 

Yup. I have, unfortunately, met way too many ladies who are messed up in so many ways. Almost always because of ex-husbands. It is shocking how many women in my area are crapped after divorce and struggle to keep going after having sacrificed their own careers or education. A lot of anti-depressant use around here. It is sad, but we have NO obligation to be with someone who is not emotionally healthy. PERIOD.

Edited February 1, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[rjc149]

4 minutes ago, Twizzlestick said:

Well the problem is I’ve never met them in real life.

Yep, and that's your problem. My advice is the same. Take more chances with women. Go up to a cute girl in person and introduce yourself in person. You'll always get higher-quality dates with more attractive women that way because it requires you to actually grow a pair of balls and be a man. Women find confidence very sexy. 

And no, looks aren't everything, but you can't expect yourself to become and/or remain attracted to a women who doesn't do it for you physically. It's perfectly okay to be a little shallow when choosing dates. Personally I don't care if the girl is crazy or lame or there's no "spark" or whatever-- if I think she's cute, I'm trying to bang her. If I don't think she's cute, I'm not asking her out. I don't need to apologize to anyone. There cannot be love, romance and intimacy without sexual attraction first. Sounds a bit like you're putting the cart before the horse. 

[Twizzlestick]

32 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Yep, and that's your problem. My advice is the same. Take more chances with women. Go up to a cute girl in person and introduce yourself in person. You'll always get higher-quality dates with more attractive women that way because it requires you to actually grow a pair of balls and be a man. Women find confidence very sexy. 

And no, looks aren't everything, but you can't expect yourself to become and/or remain attracted to a women who doesn't do it for you physically. It's perfectly okay to be a little shallow when choosing dates. Personally I don't care if the girl is crazy or lame or there's no "spark" or whatever-- if I think she's cute, I'm trying to bang her. If I don't think she's cute, I'm not asking her out. I don't need to apologize to anyone. There cannot be love, romance and intimacy without sexual attraction first. Sounds a bit like you're putting the cart before the horse. 

 

I take your words on board there. Maybe you’re right about cart before horse with me. I think it’s come about as a reaction. I feel I have to do that and hence bailing early on people that I maybe fancy a fair bit in person (enough to want physicality) but not 100 percent sure on because folk rush in early to conclusions after even the first meeting and I feel distinct pressure. 

 

I’d love to go on dates with no commitment other than the next date, and see if our chemistry extends sexually and see if my attraction as a long term prospect grows. Prob I’m finding is if you even bail after just one date you get (some comments prove this) viewed as a pariah, as even talking to them too much seems to infer something. I find it very common that people rush to conclusions after the first date. In the U.K. it tends to be viewed as you’re in a quasi rele the min you start and the dates are just formalities.

 

I wish I could be more like you and not give a toss. It’s starting to wear me out worrying about other people. One seems to be cast as a bad guy no matter what one does. It’s started to feel like the min you go on a date you’re not allowed out without being labelled as someone that leads on - or don’t talk to them prior or too much during the date or too enthusiastically - as you’re leading them on. Bloody hell. May as well just do what I want. Or not date at all. Sounds miserable.

 

it never used to be like this. I remember girls when I was younger seeing me 3/4/5 times on dates, even sleeping with me and calling it off saying they just weren’t feeling it. I never got angry with them. It’s their choice. When did all this go wrong? You’re allowed more time  to consider and sign a contract on a new phone than a partner these days it seems.

 

your advice re real life. Def taken on board. I live in the middle of nowhere. But at work I am around lots of single girls. I’ve approached and asked out a couple. Prob is, it’s you know work. Doorsteps and all that ha.

Edited February 1, 2020 by Twizzlestick

[Mystery4u]

Reading the OP I thought you were a woman... you certainly came across as one...

Only when I read your previous thread did I see you were in fact a man. I really don't understand why you would let that experience affect you going forward with other women? You can't go through life being scared because of what happened in the past. What she did was not normal. The problem is her, which is nothing to do with you.

You need to build up some self confidence so you don't let things affect you so much.

And if you are trying to find a long term relationship then drop online dating. Meeting in real life for the first time instead of an app is so much better and refreshing.

Once you have the confidence talk to women randomly on the street, at work, in the gym, wherever.

[Twizzlestick]

8 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Reading the OP I thought you were a woman... you certainly came across as one...

Only when I read your previous thread did I see you were in fact a man. I really don't understand why you would let that experience affect you going forward with other women? You can't go through life being scared because of what happened in the past. What she did was not normal. The problem is her, which is nothing to do with you.

You need to build up some self confidence so you don't let things affect you so much.

And if you are trying to find a long term relationship then drop online dating. Meeting in real life for the first time instead of an app is so much better and refreshing.

Once you have the confidence talk to women randomly on the street, at work, in the gym, wherever.

 How do I come across as a woman? 

 

I have a lot of confidence in person and no problem with asking girls out. Just meeting them the battle. Like I say lots at work. Just don’t want to mix work and play.

Edited February 1, 2020 by Twizzlestick