VioletVelvet Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) I'm interested to see in lots of posts people refer to a FWB situation that is all B and no F. FWB literally means "FRIENDS" with benefits. If you're not doing the friend part then you are not in a FWB relationship. You are in an ongoing sexual arrangement, aka "sex" buddies. Not the same thing at all. (This is a nonjudgmental post. Just sayin') Edited February 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 1
schlumpy Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 I've always felt it was more like a continuous ONS with the same person. (Not to be too judgemental) 2
basil67 Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 I’ve been with my ONS for nearly thirty years. What category are we? (Not that I’m judging) 1
Piddy Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) I don't really get the FWB thing. It's recreational sex, but with no feelings. Friends who do things together and also have sex seems odd to me. I think I could do the sex buddy thing, but not be friends. Edited February 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 1
Kyra Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 31 minutes ago, Piddy said: I don't really get the FWB thing. It's recreational sex, but with no feelings. Friends who do things together and also have sex seems odd to me. I think I could do the f*** girl thing, but not be friends. I'm surprised you would consider sex with someone who was just a f***-buddy but not with a friend. That seems odd to me. Can you explain? Perhaps it's because you're not attracted to your friends? It does take a certain kind of friendship I guess
Kyra Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) Yes I think there's a distinct difference between a sex buddy and a friend with benefits, but other people do seem to use these terms interchangeably Edited February 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Piddy Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Kyra said: I'm surprised you would consider sex with someone who was just a sex buddy but not with a friend. That seems odd to me. Can you explain? Perhaps it's because you're not attracted to your friends? It does take a certain kind of friendship I guess First I've been with the same woman for 42 years, so this whole FWB thing is foreign to me. I'm more of a relationship sex guy. I've had several recreational sex partners, but we weren't friends. I really can't fathom having a true friend and banging them without developing feelings. I don't think I'd be that good at compartmentalizing my feelings. So like I say, I could see a sex buddy as something that would've suited me. It would be just sex and we're not going out for lunch after to catch up on things. Edited February 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
FMW Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) I've posted about this in response to similar threads - I had a one year FWB relationship that I just recently ended because I met someone I want to give a shot at a real relationship with. My FWB and I were friends for several years before becoming intimate and we both have every intention of continuing the friendship (without benefits). We discussed it because we ARE friends. We care about what happens to each other and discuss our lives. We each had our own reasons for not wanting a "regular" relationship. I agree, that if you have no feelings for each other beyond sex and if you only see each other for sex, it's NOT FWB - it's sex buddies. Edited February 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Kyra Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 4 minutes ago, Piddy said: I really can't fathom having a true friend and banging them without developing feelings. I don't think I'd be that good at compartmentalizing my feelings. Yeah it's really something you can only do with a certain kind of friend - which not everyone has. I had one - he was a big flirt and there was always this sexual attraction. He's fun to go out with in a group of people and we could have a chat, but we were never like best friends. I like him but I knew him well enough to know I wouldn't fall in love with him (guess I have high standards for love). Helps knowing neither of you would ever want long term. It worked pretty well - until I got bored with him. We're still friends and still flirt.
Author VioletVelvet Posted February 1, 2020 Author Posted February 1, 2020 2 hours ago, basil67 said: I’ve been with my ONS for nearly thirty years. What category are we? (Not that I’m judging) It's not a matter of categorization. It's a matter of people understanding what they're getting into. Digital dating is bad enough without terms meaning one thing to one person and another thing to another person, and I've seen a lot of confusion on here. If you don't like the term f*** boy/girl then call it an ongoing sexual arrangement then. It's not FWB. That involves having a friend relationship and also having non-committal sex. And I'm assuming if you've been with who you thought was a ONS for thirty years then you are in an LTR. I've been in every one of these types of relationships and they are not the same. 1
Author VioletVelvet Posted February 1, 2020 Author Posted February 1, 2020 4 hours ago, schlumpy said: I've always felt it was more like a continuous ONS with the same person. (Not to be too judgemental) Yes that's another way of putting it for sure. Or like I said up there ^^ an ongoing sexual arrangement. Just take the "friends" out of it so there's no confusion.
FMW Posted February 1, 2020 Posted February 1, 2020 I'm pretty sure Basil is married/officially partnered with her "ONS" of 30 years
Author VioletVelvet Posted February 1, 2020 Author Posted February 1, 2020 Just now, FMW said: I'm pretty sure Basil is married/officially partnered with her "ONS" of 30 years I actually know a woman who has had the same FWB for over 10 years.
preraph Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 "Friends with Benefits" is a misnomer, probably invented by some guy to convince a woman he doesn't give two s**ts about to have noncomplaining sex with him at his convenience. Men aren't really into having women who are friends, and all the chit chat and all that. They will simply label it whatever it takes to get laid without commitment, that's all. What kind of person would have sex with someone they only felt platonic with? No one. It's gross. FWB is a myth. 3
Author VioletVelvet Posted February 2, 2020 Author Posted February 2, 2020 16 minutes ago, preraph said: "Friends with Benefits" is a misnomer, probably invented by some guy to convince a woman he doesn't give two s**ts about to have noncomplaining sex with him at his convenience. Men aren't really into having women who are friends, and all the chit chat and all that. They will simply label it whatever it takes to get laid without commitment, that's all. What kind of person would have sex with someone they only felt platonic with? No one. It's gross. FWB is a myth. So not true. I had two FWB who were great friends. One still is although we don't have sex anymore and he lives elsewhere. And I have a couple of other close male friends who love to chat and hang out but are not sexual partners (one calls me "sis" and the other was a lover and decided he prefers to just be friends) I think your point about feeling platonic is not wrong. But you can be sexually attracted to someone and enjoy their company and not want it to be a committed relationship for whatever reason.
preraph Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 ^ I would just call that a boyfriend who wasn't a keeper, rather than FWB. Because if you're having sex, it's more than friends.
Author VioletVelvet Posted February 2, 2020 Author Posted February 2, 2020 1 minute ago, preraph said: ^ I would just call that a boyfriend who wasn't a keeper, rather than FWB. Because if you're having sex, it's more than friends. Not at all the same thing. We didn't hang out together with friend groups. We dated other people. There was no kind of expectation that we would see each other on the weekend or go on holidays together. Nothing at all like a boy/girlfriend And yes it is more than just friends. It's friends with benefits. You feel close to them in a different way than a platonic friend, and different from a boyfriend. It might not be for everyone or for all times but for me it was perfect after getting out of a long marriage and wanted affection, friendship and sex without worrying about any sort of commitment.
preraph Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 We would have just called that banging a guy.
Author VioletVelvet Posted February 2, 2020 Author Posted February 2, 2020 5 minutes ago, preraph said: We would have just called that banging a guy. Ok. "Friends who bang somewhat regularly" isn't as catchy as "friends with benefits", but yup, same thing. 3
FMW Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 I guess we all have our own naming conventions for these situations. As long as the two people involved are on the same page everything is fine. But apparently in many or even most cases that's not the case and it causes problems. That's probably where all the divergence of opinion comes from, the differing experiences. Apparently I had a unicorn situation because people on this forum continually post how it's impossible, it doesn't exist. But my FWB and I were friends prior to being sexual, during the year that it lasted, and now that the sexual component is over. We see each other at least once a week because we share a friend group and we text when things pop up that we want to discuss. Just like with my other friends. When I ended the "benefits" recently he told me that we had a special bond that would always be there. We were friends and lovers, maybe it's rare but it's not impossible.
Author VioletVelvet Posted February 2, 2020 Author Posted February 2, 2020 10 hours ago, FMW said: Apparently I had a unicorn situation because people on this forum continually post how it's impossible, it doesn't exist. But my FWB and I were friends prior to being sexual, during the year that it lasted, and now that the sexual component is over. We see each other at least once a week because we share a friend group and we text when things pop up that we want to discuss. Just like with my other friends. When I ended the "benefits" recently he told me that we had a special bond that would always be there. We were friends and lovers, maybe it's rare but it's not impossible. I had this situation twice so it's far from impossible or unicorn. I would even say the one man and I have real love for each other. But not as partners. 1
princessaurora Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 When i was a sophomore in college I went to a concert and ran into an acquaintance I briefly knew in high school ( he was friend of a friend). I was going to school 3 hrs away from home, but we exchanged numbers and started talking pretty regularly. He was in between relationships and so was I and we talked about sex alot. Although, initially I didnt even entertain it, this made me start thinking about him in a sexual way. He was far from my type (gym fanatic, self absorbed) and I had only been with a few guys but I had heard he was pretty well endowed and honestly I hadnt orgasmed yet at that point, so I decided I needed to have sex with him. I went to his apartment one night and seduced him. He was a turning point for me sexually. He taught me how to enjoy sex and how intimate it could be ( all i had been with was rowdy frat boys ). He also gave me orgasms with oral and piv, something totally new to me. We agreed we would have regular sex until one of us entered into a relationship. The strange thing is we actually became better friends after we started having sex.Our phone conversations lasted hours, we started spending every weekend together whether he was driving up to my apt or I was going to his. We would go to the park, dinner, movies, but never showed any affection outside the bedroom. He even brought his little sister sometimes and she thought it was crazy we we were screwing but not dating. But eventually he met a girl at the gym and once they started having sex, we stopped. He wanted to remain friends with me, but the new girl wasn't comfortable with that so we cut ties. It was hard at first. I even called him one day and told him i had developed feelings for him, but looking back now, I realize I was just addicted to the amazing sex we were having. He broke up with her eventually and tried to start things up again, but by then I had a boyfriend. But I have no regrets because he taught me alot and set the bar for every sexual encounter I had after that.
snowboy91 Posted February 2, 2020 Posted February 2, 2020 22 hours ago, preraph said: "Friends with Benefits" is a misnomer, probably invented by some guy to convince a woman he doesn't give two s**ts about to have noncomplaining sex with him at his convenience. Men aren't really into having women who are friends, and all the chit chat and all that. They will simply label it whatever it takes to get laid without commitment, that's all. What kind of person would have sex with someone they only felt platonic with? No one. It's gross. FWB is a myth. I have to say I disagree with most of this. While I do agree that it is jut a way to get laid without commitment, I don't think it is necessarily the case that the guy doesn't care about the girl. Sometimes (and it's often the case in my experience) the girl doesn't want the commitment either. The whole point is that both people can get their sexual needs met without the expectation of a long term commitment. Of course, because oxytocin is a thing, one person can eventually get attached and it doesn't always end well. Some people need the commitment to be able to have sex, and that's OK too. Not everyone works the same way. I also disagree with the point that guys aren't into having women friends. It's incredibly common among most people I know. Most friendship circles are a mix of guys and girls (and no, not all of them are dating each other).
preraph Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 I don't even think oxytocin is a thing. I think oxytocin is produced from emotion not from physical touch. Or else everybody that had sex with each other would fall in love.
stillafool Posted February 3, 2020 Posted February 3, 2020 On 2/1/2020 at 8:11 AM, Kyra said: I'm surprised you would consider sex with someone who was just a f***-buddy but not with a friend. That seems odd to me. Can you explain? Perhaps it's because you're not attracted to your friends? It does take a certain kind of friendship I guess I would imagine one reason being a friend you want to keep and not hurt their feelings if and when you decide to get into a relationship or get another f+++buddy. Actually they just say Friends with benefits really meaning you're my friend because you give me sexual benefits with no expectations. Not really a friend.
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