pepperbird Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 Being the parent of two autistics, I've found there's been a lot of grieving losses, things that will never happen for us that most parents experience. Moat of the time, it's okay, but every so often something will come along, often for no good reason, and make one sad all over again. Tonight, my son and I are in our hotel room for the last night of our trip. He's watching TV, which we don't do at home, and these ads start coming on for babies ( huggies newborns or something like that). That made me burst into tears, which made my son upset for me. It's such a stupid thing. I watched the ad and thought how sweet the little babies looked, and it hit me- I'll probably never get to hold a "family baby" every again. My brother's kids are grown and far away, as is he. My son and older daughter don't want kids, and neither does my younger duaghter. That's great and I am happy that they are sure of their choices, but it still makes me grieve a loss. I will never be a grandma. I'll never be able to cuddle my own grandchild and help them fall asleep. I'll never feel how soft their cheeks are or smell that sweet baby smell. I know that sounds dumb, but for some reason, it just got to me. Now I'm sitting here in the tub in our room so he won't see me sad. I hate this type of feeling💔 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 ^^^ Empathy from me. Babies are so special. I too probably will never hold a family baby again. I don't think 'my three sons' can begin to understand my feelings. The memories of them as infants are too intense for me to keeping writing about right now. I admit I'm tearing up - something that doesn't happen often. But I'm not embarrassed at all - it's just all about the kind of father I got to be and how glad I am that it was a part of my life ... and theirs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 9 minutes ago, nospam99 said: ^^^ Empathy from me. Babies are so special. I too probably will never hold a family baby again. I don't think 'my three sons' can begin to understand my feelings. The memories of them as infants are too intense for me to keeping writing about right now. I admit I'm tearing up - something that doesn't happen often. But I'm not embarrassed at all - it's just all about the kind of father I got to be and how glad I am that it was a part of my life ... and theirs. I used to love lying with him on my stomach. he would fall asleep, and it was just such a wonderful feeling. don't get me wrong- I love everything we do together today just as much, but I still miss those times and it makes me so sad to know they are gone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 ^^^ Rocking my eldest (30 y/o now) to sleep in my lap in the glider chain when he was still an only child. Falling asleep myself and being so glad when I woke up in the chair that I hadn't dropped him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 I think grief is natural. You're grieving what seems to be the loss of the continuation of your genes....which is the basic purpose of reproduction. Your children don't feel the drive to reproduce that you feel/felt. You may rationalize this out in some other way, but it is hardwired into the species. Reproduction is Goal #1 in our instinct, and whether or not you believe in an afterlife you gain a certain measure of immortality through your offspring and subsequent generations. Losing that or expecting to lose that is difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 I wouldn't exactly be grieving at this point. I would be that one of the three kids that say they dont want kids will have one. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 No grieving is silly, or bad, or anything... because everyone gets sad for different reasons. While that particular issue wouldn't bother me... I would never say you are wrong for feeling it. Allow yourself to be sad, because that will allow you to cope later. But, you are grieving for a future that hasn't happened yet. You never know how life will change. Your brother, or his kids may move closer... and your kids may wind up with kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 I think all parents get sentimental thinking about the time their babies were babies. It's a time when you have the most bond with them and control with them. My mother used to occasionally say how she missed when we were babies, and honestly, it was because we didn't always get along what well once we were growing up. Once we got a little older, she wasn't physically affectionate with us, but she was able to express her love when we were babies. And we didn't give her grandkids either, but other than having to answer questions about that to her siblings, I don't think it was a huge issue for her. Maybe what you need is a lap dog to hold. No, not the same, but warm and sweet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted February 3, 2020 Author Share Posted February 3, 2020 On 2/2/2020 at 2:01 AM, major_merrick said: I think grief is natural. You're grieving what seems to be the loss of the continuation of your genes....which is the basic purpose of reproduction. Your children don't feel the drive to reproduce that you feel/felt. You may rationalize this out in some other way, but it is hardwired into the species. Reproduction is Goal #1 in our instinct, and whether or not you believe in an afterlife you gain a certain measure of immortality through your offspring and subsequent generations. Losing that or expecting to lose that is difficult. I appreciate your words, but that's not really it. It''s a sense of loss that is really difficult to explain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 I understand. My son won’t ever have kids. And my daughter is very wary of having her own one day because she’s seen what parenting her brother involves and doesn’t want to take the risk herself. Hugs to you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 My son graduates university in a few weeks, he's an only child. Yesterday I saw 2 baby bibs in his University logo/colours and bought them, there's a box of things which includes a few of his baby things, if I pull it out or even think about it @pepperbird tears come, mostly happy tears, some are for the exhaustion of it all getting here, and some for my hopes for his as yet unseeable future...anyway things like the baby bibs go in there, a modern-day 'hope chest' of sorts! Tears are a good release for me, so I don't think your tears are silly, and I imagine many mothers feel the same from time to time ((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))) And those ads...designed to get you in the gut! I want to go out and buy diapers/nappies and we don't have babies needing them anywhere around me... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted February 3, 2020 Author Share Posted February 3, 2020 You're sure right about tugging at the heartstrings. I admit I do that when I write copy for not for profits. It sure works. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 You're not at all silly! I always pictured myself retiring and taking care of my grandchildren so that my daughters wouldn't have to send their kids to in-home or facility daycare, like I had to. The oldest is 36. She always planned to have kids, but hasn't had a lasting relationship, has never been married, and has now been on her own for so long, she doesn't think she wants children anymore. The 30yo middle daughter has always made it crystal clear that she does not plan to get married, nor have children. The youngest (25yo), though she as said from the time she could talk that she never wants kids, is probably my best chance of having a grandchild. She's in a serious relationship and he loves kids. She likes kids, but isn't ready (at least not yet.) I don't say anything to any of them, because I know it is a sensitive subject. At least I have 6 cats and a dog for grandpets, and hope springs eternal for grandkids of the human variety! Link to post Share on other sites
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