kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 So I've found myself in a "situation-ship" and am unsure of what to do. I got on the dating apps for the first time ever last fall (If anyone remembers, I left my ex-husband in May-- thank you anyone who supported me through that, it was the best choice I could have made. Already divorced and happy!). At first, I was just looking for casual hook-ups. Easy enough. Recently though, I've started to feel like I want more. I met this guy in December. At first, it was like dating. He took me out a couple of times, we hooked up, he brought me food when I was sick, etc. At some point, not sure when, we suddenly fell into this cycle. We text every day and see each other about once or twice a week. He comes over after work, we order out or cook, watch some TV, hook-up and then he sleeps over. So I'd say it's been about a month of that. We haven't gone out-out since like date #3 in December. At first, I was cool with it. Honestly, the sex is amazing and we get along really well, but I'm not sure if we could make a relationship work. He's younger than me by five years, which doesn't usually matter, but he's 25 and I'm 30. I feel like that's a five year age gap that matters. And there are other tiny personality clashes (ex: he's a personal trainer/health nut who sometimes has a bad habit of getting on me about working out more or what I'm eating aka advice I didn't ask for nor do I need). We haven't really talked about what we're doing or where it's going. I think the closest we got was that he said he appreciated that I was so easygoing and didn't put any pressure on him. I still browse the apps, and I think he probably does too. I stumbled across one of his dating profiles the other day and saw he updated the bio. Anyways, I said why not and went out on a date last weekend and met this man who I now have the biggest crush on. We've been out twice and I have no idea what he's looking for or what he wants, but I sort of want to see where this goes. So now I don't know what to do about my situation-ship with this younger guy. Am I wrong in thinking it even is a situation-ship? Are we dating in his eyes? I know I won't know unless I ask, but I gotta assume the fact that we've been just hanging out at my place and hooking up for a month means he's not interested in anything more...we could be going out on dates, but we're not. Should I just have a very candid conversation? Should I ease off and see what happens? I got myself into a pickle (and really only have myself to blame). TL,DR: Been in a situation-ship with a younger guy (coming over after work, ordering food, sex, sleeping over) for about a month and a half, but met another man I really, really like. Not sure what to do.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 No, he doesn't see this as anything serious--just an itch being scratched as long as you'll allow. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 OP, Unless your fwb is completely immature or inexperienced, if you haven't used the "r" word and he hasn't either, and you know he's out there still on sites/apps then I don't think there's an assumption - or at least he shouldn't assume since he's clearly still looking around as well. So...why not pursue this other new person until it gets to the point where you want to be intimate with him. Then, you would need to talk to the fwb and let him know what's going on. If things don't work out with the new guy before you get physical your "situation-ship" hasn't changed and even if you do get physical, if the fwb doesn't mind or whatever, then you can keep pursuing both till one or both hits a natural progression point or one or both ends.
Author kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 10 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: No, he doesn't see this as anything serious--just an itch being scratched as long as you'll allow. That's what I figured, and I have no issue with that or hard feelings about it. I wanted that at first too. I very much think it's a friends with benefits thing, and neither of us have actual romantic feelings. Otherwise one of us probably would have tried to move things along by now.
2BGoodAgain Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 i think you don't want to ask, b/c if you do...what if he's like.. YEAH we're in a relationship.. then what do you do? be honest with him, in other words, how you want to be treated. as for this relationship with the younger guy, it seems like it's just a hook up relationship with comforts...but don't let that be an excuse to do other things.
Author kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 9 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: OP, Unless your fwb is completely immature or inexperienced, if you haven't used the "r" word and he hasn't either, and you know he's out there still on sites/apps then I don't think there's an assumption - or at least he shouldn't assume since he's clearly still looking around as well. So...why not pursue this other new person until it gets to the point where you want to be intimate with him. Then, you would need to talk to the fwb and let him know what's going on. If things don't work out with the new guy before you get physical your "situation-ship" hasn't changed and even if you do get physical, if the fwb doesn't mind or whatever, then you can keep pursuing both till one or both hits a natural progression point or one or both ends. I figured, but it's also been a while since I've done this considering I was in a committed relationship for a few years. Okay, a few of my friends said the same thing-- basically not to put all my eggs in one basket so soon and to just see how one or the other goes. Like I said, I'm pretty sure my FWB is still out there looking around. And I don't think he feels a romantic connection with me either...I think he's looking for someone who is more his speed when it comes to rigorous work-out schedules and healthy eating lol. But we have fun and like each other's company. I went on this other date expecting nothing (because the last dozen dates I went on were that way) and was blindsided by how much I liked him. So I think I'll take your advice and just kind of enjoy the ride until it comes to a point where I need to focus on one, or either fizzles out. Thank you! 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 I don't think you'll be in the right mindset to find something real until you end the casual stuff. I don't think anybody wants to get real with someone who's hooking up with somebody else while you're going on romantic dates with them. Most men will only make enough effort to clear the bar that you set. If your bar is: come over, eat some food, and hook up - that's the level of effort he'll make. If you bar is: go out on dates, get to know each other, and aspire toward something real - that's the level of effort he'll make - if he really likes you, which is really the only kind of man worth spending your precious time with. 5
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 It is my experience they let their intentions known pretty quickly if they are serious. Age doesn't mean a thing sometimes...my husband is 6 years younger than me. He was 20 when we first started dating. He had np letting me know how he felt. 5
2BGoodAgain Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: I don't think you'll be in the right mindset to find something real until you end the casual stuff. I don't think anybody wants to get real with someone who's hooking up with somebody else while you're going on romantic dates with them. Most men will only make enough effort to clear the bar that you set. If your bar is: come over, eat some food, and hook up - that's the level of effort he'll make. If you bar is: go out on dates, get to know each other, and aspire toward something real - that's the level of effort he'll make - if he really likes you, which is really the only kind of man worth spending your precious time with. i have to concur with her.... plus... from the perspective of the guy you're starting to like...... if i started liking some girl and she's starting to like me.. and we go on dates, and it's one thing if she's dating other guys... but if she's being intimate with someone... and dating me... it's like a red flag. Edited January 31, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain 5
Mystery4u Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: I don't think you'll be in the right mindset to find something real until you end the casual stuff. I don't think anybody wants to get real with someone who's hooking up with somebody else while you're going on romantic dates with them. Most men will only make enough effort to clear the bar that you set. If your bar is: come over, eat some food, and hook up - that's the level of effort he'll make. If you bar is: go out on dates, get to know each other, and aspire toward something real - that's the level of effort he'll make - if he really likes you, which is really the only kind of man worth spending your precious time with. This x100. You have given your casual guy an easy life so far. Sounds like you have reached the point where you have realised a FWB situation is not fulfilling enough. We have all been there, I certainly have. It's time to end things with him and start looking for someone long term, maybe this second guy. If I met a woman who I wanted something long term with and found out she was still sleeping with someone else casually I would be out of the door and rightly so. Edited January 31, 2020 by Mystery4u 3
Daisydooks Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 What happens when new guy finds out about FWB guy? I worry you're going to muck up both by not drawing boundaries. I'd be very hesitant to continue dating you if I knew youd been banging Rob the night before. Just my opinion. I am not into this whole multidating stuff happening these days, clearly hahahaha 2
Author kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 37 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: i have to concur with her.... plus... from the perspective of the guy you're starting to like...... if i started liking some girl and she's starting to like me.. and we go on dates, and it's one thing if she's dating other guys... but if she's being intimate with someone... and dating me... it's like a red flag. I'm definitely not trying to be a red flag, but I legitimately have no idea how this multi-dating thing works. I hear from some people it's normal and okay, and then from other people that it's not at all. Personally, I don't want to be intimate with two people at once. But this thing with this new guy is very, very new which is why I haven't felt guilty about my FWB. Who I have only seen once since the date I had with the other guy. The reason I'm coming into this forum now is because part of me is now starting to feel that hesitation of a third date, while I still have this casual thing happening on the side. So maybe then I should talk to my FWB. I'm not sure what that conversation would look like...just being honest and telling him I want something serious and it seems like things aren't headed that way with us? 1
Author kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 31 minutes ago, Daisydooks said: What happens when new guy finds out about FWB guy? I worry you're going to muck up both by not drawing boundaries. I'd be very hesitant to continue dating you if I knew youd been banging Rob the night before. Just my opinion. I am not into this whole multidating stuff happening these days, clearly hahahaha No, you're right. I get that completely. But for all I know, this new guy is still dating other people too lol He could still be out on apps, swiping and doing whatever. I personally don't really have an issue with someone still seeing other people while we're in the early dating phase...it makes sense to me (after having been married and not having that work out) that you'd want to date lots of people in order to find one you really like and want to pursue something with. And in the past few months I've been doing OLD, I've learned it's pretty normal to just assume anyone you go out with is seeing other people. I think I also have a pretty liberal mindset when it comes to sex. But I think either way, I'll phase out my FWB. Clearly it's not going to go anywhere and I'm at the point where I want to try and pursue a relationship. 3
Author kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 41 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: This x100. You have given your casual guy an easy life so far. Sounds like you have reached the point where you have realised a FWB situation is not fulfilling enough. We have all been there, I certainly have. It's time to end things with him and start looking for someone long term, maybe this second guy. If I met a woman who I wanted something long term with and found out she was still sleeping with someone else casually I would be out of the door and rightly so. True. But I have no idea what this second guy wants and it's been pretty low-key so far. I think I said in another comment that for all I know, he doesn't want anything long-term either and is out seeing other people too. I've seen my FWB once since I've had the two dates with this new guy. So probably a good time to just cut my losses and turn my focus to who I'm more interested in. I really have no idea how dating works, so I'm not trying to come off like I'm a floozy who thinks it's okay to have like five partners at once or anything. I'm figuring OLD, multi-dating, and FWB out as I go and it's all a lot as someone who was in a marriage a year ago.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 There are men who want something real. You won't find them by wasting time with the ones who lack the vision and patience to go for that. Like attracts like. Elevate your thinking and you attract men on the same wavelength. 2
FMW Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 (edited) For the first time since my divorce I have met someone that I want to give a real shot and see how things go. So I ended my FWB relationship that lasted a year. It was clear to me when I started having "hmm, maybe" feelings about the possibility of getting involved with someone fully that the FWB situation had to end. For me, and maybe for you too, FWB was just a transitional thing that's run it's course. I wasn't ready for a real relationship before. I agree with Ruby Slippers, you can't develop anything meaningful with someone while casually hooking up with someone else. Edited January 31, 2020 by Finding my way 1
Author kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: There are men who want something real. You won't find them by wasting time with the ones who lack the vision and patience to go for that. Like attracts like. Elevate your thinking and you attract men on the same wavelength. This is great advice. When I first started seeing him, I wasn't interesting in anything more than a casual relationship but have realized that's not enough. Not looking forward to the 'break-up' convo with my FWB but I think it needs to be done after hearing all of your advice and getting some input. 3
Author kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 19 minutes ago, Finding my way said: For the first time since my divorce I have met someone that I want to give a real shot and see how things go. So I ended my FWB relationship that lasted a year. It was clear to me when I started having "hmm, maybe" feelings about the possibility of getting involved with someone fully that the FWB situation had to end. For me, and maybe for you too, FWB was just a transitional thing that's run it's course. I wasn't ready for a real relationship before. I agree with Ruby Slippers, you can't develop anything meaningful with someone while casually hooking up with someone else. That's such a good way to describe it, as something transitional that has run its course. Very true, and I like this one and would hate to do anything that might ruin that. 2
Daisydooks Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, kenziejane said: I'm definitely not trying to be a red flag, but I legitimately have no idea how this multi-dating thing works. I hear from some people it's normal and okay, and then from other people that it's not at all. Personally, I don't want to be intimate with two people at once. But this thing with this new guy is very, very new which is why I haven't felt guilty about my FWB. Who I have only seen once since the date I had with the other guy. The reason I'm coming into this forum now is because part of me is now starting to feel that hesitation of a third date, while I still have this casual thing happening on the side. So maybe then I should talk to my FWB. I'm not sure what that conversation would look like...just being honest and telling him I want something serious and it seems like things aren't headed that way with us? Nah. No talks. Pick one quietly and go with it. What do YOU want? Go on date number 3. See where it takes you and then decide from there That's what I'd do in this pickle. Haha. Just dont end up in 2 different sexualationships! Hahahahaha It sounds like youre more into new guy. Give that a fair shake. If FWB was worth dating, you wouldnt have entertained the idea of new guy in the 1st place. Just my opinion. 1
fishlips Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 You don't seem to be going anywhere with the first guy, so why not break up with him and give guy #2 a shot? You seem to like him. Like the others have said, you won't find anything meaningful from dating multiple people. As for dating multiple people, it's fine as long as you are honest about it, but you haven't told either one of these guys about the other. 1
SumGuy Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 For me when your sleeping with some one you don’t sleep with anyone else or go looking. Period. Unless it is explicitly agreed that is OK it’s cheating. The above board thing to do is choose one and be honest. 2
chillii Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 (edited) The younger ones not really interested , just like you , he's just filling in the gaps . The other one, been out with him twice , how could you not know what he's looking for, wth do you talk about. No l don't wanna know what you talk about but hth could you not have talked about all that stuff already. Anyway , if there's a third, talk about it. Edited January 31, 2020 by chillii
Author kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Daisydooks said: Nah. No talks. Pick one quietly and go with it. What do YOU want? Go on date number 3. See where it takes you and then decide from there That's what I'd do in this pickle. Haha. Just dont end up in 2 different sexualationships! Hahahahaha It sounds like youre more into new guy. Give that a fair shake. If FWB was worth dating, you wouldnt have entertained the idea of new guy in the 1st place. Just my opinion. I mean, I ideally would love to just fade out quietly. Is that okay in this situation? Or does it have to be a legit thing where I tell me we shouldn't hang out anymore?
Author kenziejane Posted January 31, 2020 Author Posted January 31, 2020 49 minutes ago, chillii said: The younger ones not really interested , just like you , he's just filling in the gaps . The other one, been out with him twice , how could you not know what he's looking for, wth do you talk about. No l don't wanna know what you talk about but hth could you not have talked about all that stuff already. Anyway , if there's a third, talk about it. I figured as much. My feelings aren't hurt about it, I just don't know how to go about getting out of the situation-ship in a nice way. Lol the other guy and I talk about lots of stuff-- family, friends, work, hobbies. But I guess I've found in the past a lot of people don't like being put on the spot with the 'what do you want' question. I'm sure it'll come up if I see him again at this point. 1 hour ago, SumGuy said: For me when your sleeping with some one you don’t sleep with anyone else or go looking. Period. Unless it is explicitly agreed that is OK it’s cheating. The above board thing to do is choose one and be honest. I politely disagree that you can really call it cheating, unless you've agreed outright to be exclusive and not see anyone else. But yeah, I get the point you're making. 1 hour ago, fishlips said: You don't seem to be going anywhere with the first guy, so why not break up with him and give guy #2 a shot? You seem to like him. Like the others have said, you won't find anything meaningful from dating multiple people. As for dating multiple people, it's fine as long as you are honest about it, but you haven't told either one of these guys about the other. No, but they haven't told me about anyone else they might be seeing either. It's a two-way street here. And I know they both still have dating profiles up so it's safe to say I'm probably not the only girl either are talking to. I've always just assumed with OLD that everyone is talking to, if not dating, other people until exclusivity is decided. But yeah, I'm gonna cut things off with my FWB.
FMW Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 8 minutes ago, kenziejane said: I ideally would love to just fade out quietly. Is that okay in this situation? You've only known each other a month, and the primary (if not sole) motivation for seeing each other has always been sex - right? So in that case, I wouldn't reach out to him to end it, but if/when he contacts you tell him you are interested in finding a real relationship and can't do the FWB anymore. No need for any big talk, but I would be nice and wouldn't just ghost/ignore. 4
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