Heartbroken from a long term relationship: she suddenly left me for someone

January 31, 2020

Hi everyone. I decided to do my first post here, because of desperation and loneliness. I dont know who to talk to about this, and since Im not the only person who went through this, I know that some of you will understand my situation.

I (25yrs) have been together with my girlfriend (24yrs) for 8 and a half years. Lived together 5 years. Beautiful times, she loved me so much, she was caring, loving, supported me in everything, enjoyed every minute with me. I loved her from the bottom of my heart. We had so many adventures together, nice memories. We were planning to stay together, establish a family. We already had a common house, both of us started working , had good jobs and plans for future. Like in every relationship we had sometimes arguments.. but our relationship was working and was balanced.

She did not really have friends, and she also didnt have the best relationship with her family. I do sport, training and fighting as a hobby. She didnt have one. A year ago, she started doing a parapsychology course (far eastern based pseudo science which deals with energies, auras, healing with mind and so on), where she obtained a certificate very fast, to become a trainer, teacher. She would change, as she became too spiritual, and always talked about this topic and had plans to make a career out of it, to hold lectures and courses in the future. Im not spiritually oriented, but I was glad that she has found a hobby and I was even supporting her in it. Then she told me, that the trainer who held these courses offered her the final certificate if they would teach and hold classes together in the future. It was suspicious to me, the red alert just kicked in. I told her, that I dont want her to travel with a man alone to other cities, for a weekend to hold lectures. She told me not to worry, since he is an old man with kids, and called me selfish for accusing.

A week after this conversation she totally changed: became cold to me, avoided any physicality, whenever I approached her to talk she said she is tired and went to sleep. One morning, when I woke up to go to work, she was sitting on the couch, and she announced me that she is leaving me. She told me that she no longer loves me, that our relationship is not working anymore. I asked if she has someone, she denied. Told me she is moving to her cuisine. She wished me happiness, packed her things and left me after 8 and a half years, and never seen her again.

She was not that social, while I was. Whatever the future would hold for me, I pictured her next to me, as I would never left her, not even for my career. When she got into this new spiritual environment, she changed immediately, and she left me on the first occasion. I dont know which one is worse.. that her love towards me could be ended in 2 weeks because of someone else.. or that she didnt love me for a long time and she was just pretending.

It was a shock for me, as I didnt see this coming. Not from her. She loved and cared about me so much and I loved her too. Always made me promise her, that I should never leave her. Two weeks before she left, we were on dates, she told me she loves me, bought presents for me, we were planning our summer vacation.. and two weeks later she told me she didnt love me for a while. As it turned out she left me for this course trainer, a divorced man in his early 40s with 2 children.. Why would someone throw away her long time young love, for such a man? Is this really a future what a 24 year woman wants? Where is the logic in this? She just threw away our past, all the things we went through together, she threw away our possible future.. I still cannot process this. I really dont want to sound boastful.. but I finished university, speak 4 languages, have a good paying job, good looking, fit shape, had so many admirers through the years, even she was always jealous and feared I would leave her... I know theses things are not an excuse to love someone.. and I also dont want to play the victim.. its just that I never see that coming, and that I never ever felt anything like this before..

2 days after she left, We talked in text messages afterwards, told me she didnt feel good with me anymore, admitted she already is in relationship.. She didnt want to talk to me even, when I only asked for proper explanation. All her things were gone from our house, she left so easily. She moved straight to this mans house from me, she was confident as she did that. Even after what she has done, when I saw an object that belonged to her in our house, or a present I bought her or she bought me, I just started crying. I became an emotinal zombie.. Im Just staring in front of me.. trying to understand what happened, trying to move on, but I always get dragged back. She was my soulmate, my love, best friend, we supported each other in everything. She was always more romantic than me, yet my love lasted longer for her..

I was always surrounded by women in the past.. could of had many chances, yet I always valued her more and loved her and wouldnt leave her for someone and give up our relationship. I imagined her as my future wife, even though she had her mistakes.. I was so sure that I can trust her.. that she would never do something like this, that she is the perfect person for me. Yet, she did the thing I expected the least.. especially from her.

But the problem is.. whatever our relationship would have been, she imagined her future and her career in this field of parapsychology, in this city and at that particular class.. so they would have spent time together, no matter what.. Unless we moved away.. How could I become so invaluable for someone who loved me so much? Did I really treat her that bad to deserve this? I had my mistakes for sure, but would have changed for her.

The next 2 weeks felt like hell. Hardest time of my life. After she moved away, I started to blame myself: what could I have done differently, why I wasnt more attentive, caring, gentle...
Im not an emotional person, but just kept crying. I was also not perfect.. did many mistakes, couldnt really express my love to her, but she knew I loved her. Thoughts of what could I have done differently haunt me all day, all night. I wonder if I was more gentle, or if I had propose her, would she have done the same? I just cant believe that someone so family oriented, lovable, trustful, caring, who was obsessed with me since high school, left me cold blooded in 1 week. I would have changed all my mistakes for her, but she didnt even want to talk. I would have done anything for her, to make her happy and to stay together. I never received any last chance from her. The fact that she was in my arms 3 weeks ago, and now she lives with someone else already just make me crazy. She lied to me. She cheated (maybe just emotionally, but maybe physically to), left me cold blooded. I just cant believe that.

Its a heartbreak, and it feels like hell. I dream of her. This unbelievable situation is the first thought when I wake up, and when I go to sleep in the empty house now, where we lived happily together. Something has died inside of me. A big part of myself was torn out, and it is very difficult to wake up every morning, go to work, and continue my life. Sadness, shock, anger, betrayal, self-blame.. these feelings are just tearing me apart inside.

Sorry to make this long, I just feel a lot better when I speak about this. Even if I cant handle this at the moment, my sympathy goes to everyone who went through such a situation, or is going through it now.

Thank you for reading my story.

Edited January 31, 2020 by Jacen

January 31, 2020

Thank you for posting.

The main problem here is that she has a head start on you in the breakup process and she blindsided you which always creates a larger pit of emotional despair to fall into. Your only solution right now is to expedite your own recovery. You have to regain your footing.

Your first rule is no contact. Make her think you died. That's how complete you want it needs to be.

The second thing you do is gather anything that reminds you of her and either destroy it or box it up and put it away.

I always suggest moving the furniture around, repainting the rooms a different color, or anything that will change your perspective and give you some routine busy work. Thinking about buying a new car? Now is the time to do it.

There is program called the 180 and you can find it at the Chumpladys website. It won't work right away but it is designed to help you detach from your feelings and clear your mind.

Do not try to find a reason for what she did. You won't find it. There is no logical equation to be solved. If she did tell you why, it would not satisfy you. Please come to terms with never having that questioned answered to your gratification.

I don't know what kind of values you live by. If you can accept her back or it's over because slept with another man is something you have to decide. I would think carefully about her lying, deceit and untrustworthiness. Are those the qualities you want in a life time partner?

Don't hesitate to get counseling if you need to and be aware that your recovery may take over a year to accomplish with the extreme danger that any contact with your ex will result in an emotional reset to zero.

If you are religious - ask God for help and guidance.

Start looking at this situation as an opportunity because that is exactly what it is. You are now free of your old obligations and self-imposed restrictions. Were you offered and overseas job in the past that didn't take to stay with your true love? Now's the time to reconsider. Several thousand kilometers between you and your ex will make it much easier to move on with your life.

You speak four languages? Look into finding employment with the military education system and teach (insert language) for a couple of years in another country. That will expedite your recovery as well as change your perspective.

Be aware that everyone around you has more than likely been where you are right now. It's just part of the human condition.

Good luck and write often.

January 31, 2020

She cheated on you and planned her exit for a while. She was way ahead of you on that. DO NOT beg, plead, etc. Go dead silent on her. I know that is tough but everytime you talk to her will set you backwards on your recovery. Keep going to the gym, do healthy things, be the best you that you can be and move on. Soon you will wake up one day and wonder why you were with her. Seriously. You two were very young and grew differently. She was no longer the one for you. May seem hard to believe right now but it is true. You just had different incompatible paths. Continue on your own path. Hard to see now but the future is bright.

January 31, 2020

first of all, it sucks. sorry it happened to you.

2nd) it obviously wasn't all love and dovey and roses and ooh la lah... it may have been how you remember it, but it wasn't for her. Otherwise, she wouldn't have fallen away... tbh. It may have started out that way, but somewhere along the way, it wasn't as rosey for her, as it was for you.

3) you need a reality check... you obviously remember things differently than her. You need to look back and see where you two started to part ways on how you viewed the relationship.

4) you two are very young... mid 20's.. and in a 8yr relationship, for couples to break... is very common... you two were still changing/growing... and obviously, who you remembered her to be, isn't who she is now.

5) you may have been blind to who she became, and chose to only remember who she was.

6) b/c you were in such a long term relationship, it's gonna take a long time to get over this. There's no way around it. But you need to move on or ruin the next relationship with memories of her.

7) She'll 99% regret her decision. I'm not saying this b/c i'm telling you to wait for her. I'm not. Move on. If she can treat you like this over some guy, then she can treat you like that again. But most relationships post affairs don't last very long. Most affairs are 99% fantasy. Reality has a very bad way of bursting your bubble.

8 ) i realize it doesn't seem to make sense to you that she(24) would leave you for a 40+yr old guy with 2 kids, but it happens a lot. Not exactly that scenario, but just b/c ur 40 doesn't mean your life is over... though i'm sure many who are in their 20's may think so. lol. There are many dimensions to a person... you start to realize this as you get older, whereas most 20somethings are aware of only a few.... this mean, your ex was overwhelmed with the complexities of the 40something guy, but that's usually very temporary.

Also, you have to think this... she cheated on someone in a 8yr relationship with him. He will always know this in his head, regardless of where their relationship goes... that's how he sees her. And same goes for her. Karma and such. Though, there's a very VERY rare chance their relationship may blossom to something better. (shrug)

tbh, she cheated on you. She showed you no respect, no love, no care. Move on. Value yourself and protect yourself.

i know this is a hard time for you, but go to the gym and work out like mad. Don't get into relationships to bury your feelings. and learn from this, grow from this and become a better human being. So that when you do someday meet someone worthy of your mind and heart and soul.... you don't mess up that relationship.

Good luck!

January 31, 2020

My ex was 30 got manipulated by a 46 year old dude left me and in 3 months relationship with him shes already 2 months pregnant huh. Dude girls are like this by time we men become boring to them and then some other charmer comes along wooes them and it's over. You are in pain but shes having sex with that 40 year old manipulator. I know it hurts to your gut and feels like your heart will stop beating at any moment. That's a natural reaction of a heartbroken person I very been through it many others have been through it here on this site. Now that shes gone you have to pick yourself up. 8 years gone in gutter. She isnt worth it. Let that man have her, theres nothing you can do. Go no contact ok. Heal from this pain. The best way to get over pain is to go through it only. Get her out of your system. Date again. Always keep in mind nothing is permanent in this life

January 31, 2020

Very sorry to hear this happened to you.

If you're looking for explanations, part of this is that she formed a "new identity" based around the other changes in her life, and she decided that what who she wanted to be. It certainly isn't always this way, but in her case part of it was that she felt you no longer fit with this "new her". Saying that you grew apart is as good a way to describe it as any.

I agree though if you went from continuing to plan your life together to gone in 2 weeks without any warning signs there must have been serious deception and an ability to "shut off" on her part. As much as you hurt right now, I think you will probably one day realize what that means and how you can be confident that ultimately you are better off without her.

8 hours ago, Jacen said:

This unbelievable situation is the first thought when I wake up, and when I go to sleep in the empty house now, where we lived happily together. Something has died inside of me. A big part of myself was torn out, and it is very difficult to wake up every morning, go to work, and continue my life. Sadness, shock, anger, betrayal, self-blame.. these feelings are just tearing me apart inside.

Time and the many good suggestions above will heal this. Some additional suggestions (and you should probably try to do these things even if you don't always feel like it):

- Time with friends socializing

- Time in nature, at least about 10 min/day (good nature pics on your computer/phone are ok if you are snowed in or similar) (boosts the neurotransmitter serotonin)

- Exercising within your capacities (sounds like you have that one down)

- Distractions such as good books or TV, music, work, hobbies, or projects (such as the ones mentioned above with redoing your interior) all can help as well

Part of what was "torn out" is that this relationship was a big part of your identity. In addition to emotional healing, you'll now be creating a new identify without this woman.

To that end, starting a new hobby or volunteering for a cause that's meaningful for you (preferably in a way that includes a social element) may be part of that and help you feel better too.

If you feel you want someone to talk to, there's nothing wrong with seeing a counselor for a while too, even if it's just to vent.

And of course, once you're ready for it, a new relationship.

8 hours ago, Jacen said:

I really dont want to sound boastful.. but I finished university, speak 4 languages, have a good paying job, good looking, fit shape, had so many admirers through the years, even she was always jealous and feared I would leave her...

The 30's and 40's tend to be a lot different for single men than the 20's were. Once you're fully recovered and get back out there, if you live anywhere near an area with a large population, you may soon have more female attention than you know what to do with. Try multiple avenues (online, networking/getting set up via friends, meetups, interest groups, etc). A person like you will probably do even better in person than online.

Edited January 31, 2020 by mark clemson

January 31, 2020

OP,

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm 38 and was dumped after 2yrs by a 24F. It's been just over 5 months so the wound is still a little fresh and since it was also long-distance, my mind is still learning how to think of a future just for myself and rediscover my wants and needs and living life how I want to since I spent so much time daydreaming or fantasizing about a future that will never happen now.

Please keep in mind - whatever advice I offer is from my perspective, experience, academic and real life learning and so is everyone else's. Feel free to accept, reject or switch back and forth on things as you move through the healing process.

Best advice from me to help heal:

Exercise
Nature
Writing, journaling, and/or talking. Find 2-3 real friends/family members - people you absolutely trust and can be vulnerable too, let it out!
Eat Healthier
Pick up old hobbies or find new ones
Travel a bit - even a short camping trip or a long weekend somewhere is great. Whatever you can afford
Even if you don't like to write - do a daily journal - you can just email yourself - and make a bullet point list and re-write it every day - your best qualities, your biggest achievements/accomplishments, your goals, what you want in a woman/relationship, reasons why it wasn't going to work out. Do it every day. Mulitple times a day when/if you need to. Even if you don't like to write - repetition is the key
Don't be afraid to fail. Recovery is like a rollercoaster. You don't know the ride is over till long after it is.
You may need a year or more to fully recover. Don't put a time table on it
Don't run from your emotions. I'm not saying let yourself cry and break down in the middle of a presentation at work or when speaking with a customer, but if you need to - let the stalls in the men's room at work become a safe place for you if you need to cry.
Go out and yell in the middle of the woods.

You will never understand the complete "why" of this. No matter what you think about, no matter what she would tell you if you kept hounding her. And that's because we are all complex and because she's probably hiding a lot of things from herself.

But...a few things to keep in mind from what you shared:

Beautiful times, she loved me so much, she was caring, loving, supported me in everything, enjoyed every minute with me. I loved her from the bottom of my heart. We had so many adventures together, nice memories. We were planning to stay together, establish a family. We already had a common house, both of us started working , had good jobs and plans for future. Like in every relationship we had sometimes arguments.. but our relationship was working and was balanced.

Don't let your mind blame you. Sure, everyone can be better and what not. If you were the absolute best you could be, then remember that. And remember some of the good times - it will help you focus on what you do want moving forward since you don't have adult dating experience besides this relationsihp.

She did not really have friends, and she also didnt have the best relationship with her family. I

From 18 to 30 we leave family and have to come to terms with who we are, who they are, and what they did to us (both good and bad). She may have not done the work yet to address that. She may not know who she is or is not comfortable with it. So she could be grasping at straws or running because she's afraid of something. And that's a bad side. Even really introverted people have friends. If she was shamed growing up, not given any affection or positive reinforcement, etc., she could have low self-esteem. And this sudden rush into this field could be an example of her trying to get affirmation of herself, instead of giving it to herself.
Regardless, she's emotionally immature and definitely looking for outward validation

She would change, as she became too spiritual, and always talked about this topic and had plans to make a career out of it, to hold lectures and courses in the future. Im not spiritually oriented, but I was glad that she has found a hobby and I was even supporting her in it.

People do sometimes discover spirituality/religion as we age. But in this case it sounds like she's just flailing about looking for something to give her life meaning and fill the void in her soul. Remember that moving forward - relationships should enhance our already existing happiness and self-worth. They cannot be a replacement for self-love and maturity.

A week after this conversation she totally changed: became cold to me, avoided any physicality, whenever I approached her to talk she said she is tired and went to sleep.

If she wasn't already physically cheating on you by this point, this is where it started. It may have happended before, and I'd bet there was at least a little bit of emotional cheating, but she may have started when you said no to this sudden change!
Even if you said yes, it probably would not have lasted forever anyway because again, she doesn't know who she is, she's not comfortable with herself, and she's looking for external validation of her self, her wants, her soul.
This speaks to her emotional immaturity and you deserve better.
The fact she left so suddenly, as one person said, was because she had been emotionally detaching for a long while and you didn't know.
Now, I will not let any poster blame you. Sure, we need to be aware for our partners of their emotions and whatnot, but we can't be vigilant all of the time. And we may subconsciously pick up on some clues and changes, but we don't chalk them up to something like a person preparing to leave or stopping love for us until it happens to us for the first time. So do not let anyone here or anywhere else blame. You may have missed some signs, but you're the mature one in this situation. She was immature and emotionally unhealthy

She was not that social, while I was. Whatever the future would hold for me, I pictured her next to me, as I would never left her, not even for my career. When she got into this new spiritual environment, she changed immediately, and she left me on the first occasion. I dont know which one is worse.. that her love towards me could be ended in 2 weeks because of someone else.. or that she didnt love me for a long time and she was just pretending.

You can't discount YOUR love. She may have loved you at some point, but most adults in the world today aren't capable of real love - being vulnerable, loving someone when they're vulnerable, building a life together and not running when things don't turn out the Instagram way or when times get tough. You showed your quality and she showed her lack of it. Yes, she may not have loved you as deeply as you love her and she left like a teenager, but better now then at 30 or 40 or 50. And yes, it does happen at those ages. Be grateful for the time spent together as tough as that seems and cherish the fun moments and use the time moving forward to make a clear picture of what you want.

It was a shock for me, as I didnt see this coming. Not from her. She loved and cared about me so much and I loved her too. Always made me promise her, that I should never leave her. Two weeks before she left, we were on dates, she told me she loves me, bought presents for me, we were planning our summer vacation.. and two weeks later she told me she didnt love me for a while.

People will say anything when they don't want to deal with a situation. and people can say I love you and not mean it. in this case you got whacked by both. With my last ex, she was still sending me cute couples' cartoons the morning of when she started breaking up with me via text/IM. A lot of people con themselves into thinking "I'm a good person" - well, even good people can be foolish, immature, and can hurt people. A real relationship is about sharing fears, hopes, desires, exploring life and the world together. If she couldn't bring up her feelings to you and didn't want to make it work and try with you, then it shows how shallow and needy and childish she is. You deserve better.

Even after what she has done, when I saw an object that belonged to her in our house, or a present I bought her or she bought me, I just started crying. I became an emotinal zombie.. Im Just staring in front of me.. trying to understand what happened, trying to move on, but I always get dragged back. She was my soulmate, my love, best friend, we supported each other in everything. She was always more romantic than me, yet my love lasted longer for her..

Throw out whatever you need to! You have no obligation to return anything and if she did leave any items she may want - too bad!

I was always surrounded by women in the past.. could of had many chances, yet I always valued her more and loved her and wouldnt leave her for someone and give up our relationship. I imagined her as my future wife, even though she had her mistakes.. I was so sure that I can trust her.. that she would never do something like this, that she is the perfect person for me. Yet, she did the thing I expected the least.. especially from her.

That's the risk of true love. Do not change! You will find someone one day just like you and you'll understand how much better you are with them and not this woman. As painful as it is - the universe has done you a favor in the long ru

But the problem is.. whatever our relationship would have been, she imagined her future and her career in this field of parapsychology, in this city and at that particular class.. so they would have spent time together, no matter what.. Unless we moved away.. How could I become so invaluable for someone who loved me so much? Did I really treat her that bad to deserve this? I had my mistakes for sure, but would have changed for her.

That's the thing - she has no emotional anchors. She found a way to give herself the meaning/value/soul she never had and made an irrational, childish, and last-minute crazy decision. It shows the depth of her problems. It says nothing about you.

Im not an emotional person, but just kept crying. I was also not perfect.. did many mistakes, couldnt really express my love to her, but she knew I loved her. Thoughts of what could I have done differently haunt me all day, all night. I wonder if I was more gentle, or if I had propose her, would she have done the same? I just cant believe that someone so family oriented, lovable, trustful, caring, who was obsessed with me since high school, left me cold blooded in 1 week. I would have changed all my mistakes for her, but she didnt even want to talk. I would have done anything for her, to make her happy and to stay together. I never received any last chance from her.

Honor the death of the relationship. Two or three months in the future - go somewhere - the beach, a river, a lake - put her name on a rock and throw it in the water as far as you can! Let her go.
Let the emotions come. As I said - it will be a long, hard, rollercoaster ride. And don't let anyone beat up on you - if you need 3-6 months of a lot of alone time - the people that truly love you or care for you will understand. Just don't be rude about it. And don't worry about leaning on people - again, the ones that really care for you can be there for you!
And also - DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF

Lastly - having just a 5 month or so head start on you - direct message me on here if you need/want a friend. I can relate to so much about what you shared.

February 3, 2020

On 1/31/2020 at 1:31 PM, schlumpy said:

Thank you for posting.

The main problem here is that she has a head start on you in the breakup process and she blindsided you which always creates a larger pit of emotional despair to fall into. Your only solution right now is to expedite your own recovery. You have to regain your footing.

Your first rule is no contact. Make her think you died. That's how complete you want it needs to be.

The second thing you do is gather anything that reminds you of her and either destroy it or box it up and put it away.

I always suggest moving the furniture around, repainting the rooms a different color, or anything that will change your perspective and give you some routine busy work. Thinking about buying a new car? Now is the time to do it.

There is program called the 180 and you can find it at the Chumpladys website. It won't work right away but it is designed to help you detach from your feelings and clear your mind.

Do not try to find a reason for what she did. You won't find it. There is no logical equation to be solved. If she did tell you why, it would not satisfy you. Please come to terms with never having that questioned answered to your gratification.

I don't know what kind of values you live by. If you can accept her back or it's over because slept with another man is something you have to decide. I would think carefully about her lying, deceit and untrustworthiness. Are those the qualities you want in a life time partner?

Don't hesitate to get counseling if you need to and be aware that your recovery may take over a year to accomplish with the extreme danger that any contact with your ex will result in an emotional reset to zero.

If you are religious - ask God for help and guidance.

Start looking at this situation as an opportunity because that is exactly what it is. You are now free of your old obligations and self-imposed restrictions. Were you offered and overseas job in the past that didn't take to stay with your true love? Now's the time to reconsider. Several thousand kilometers between you and your ex will make it much easier to move on with your life.

You speak four languages? Look into finding employment with the military education system and teach (insert language) for a couple of years in another country. That will expedite your recovery as well as change your perspective.

Be aware that everyone around you has more than likely been where you are right now. It's just part of the human condition.

Good luck and write often.

Thank you for your response.

Yes, the fact that she left me unexpectedly without any sign, and that she moved straight to another mans house from ours was more than a shock.

I blocked her everywhere I could, I removed every object that reminded her - even though my heart broke while doing these.

The what ifs, self-blame, anger and confusion is what drives me crazy. I know its useless, but I always wonder what could I have done differently, how would things turn out if I did this.. or was like that..

Of course, even though I still love her (at least the memory of her, the lovable kind person I knew), I would never accept her back, no matter what. However, I feel like I lost someone who I could have been happy, since I was happy with her. I see it as something happened that should of had never happen, and our (or at least my future) was destroyed.

February 3, 2020

On 1/31/2020 at 4:35 PM, notbroken said:

She cheated on you and planned her exit for a while. She was way ahead of you on that. DO NOT beg, plead, etc. Go dead silent on her. I know that is tough but everytime you talk to her will set you backwards on your recovery. Keep going to the gym, do healthy things, be the best you that you can be and move on. Soon you will wake up one day and wonder why you were with her. Seriously. You two were very young and grew differently. She was no longer the one for you. May seem hard to believe right now but it is true. You just had different incompatible paths. Continue on your own path. Hard to see now but the future is bright.

Thank you for responding.

I admit, that after she left, I did plead. I asked her to stay and talk about this, to reconsider. But she didnt want to. She made the decision, and closed our 8 year long relationship in 2 days. And now its like extremely hard to get up every morning, to continue my life, go to work like nothing happened. I huge part of my life is gone, and I have to move one, but this just broke me inside.

February 3, 2020

On 1/31/2020 at 5:08 PM, 2BGoodAgain said:

first of all, it sucks. sorry it happened to you.

2nd) it obviously wasn't all love and dovey and roses and ooh la lah... it may have been how you remember it, but it wasn't for her. Otherwise, she wouldn't have fallen away... tbh. It may have started out that way, but somewhere along the way, it wasn't as rosey for her, as it was for you.

3) you need a reality check... you obviously remember things differently than her. You need to look back and see where you two started to part ways on how you viewed the relationship.

4) you two are very young... mid 20's.. and in a 8yr relationship, for couples to break... is very common... you two were still changing/growing... and obviously, who you remembered her to be, isn't who she is now.

5) you may have been blind to who she became, and chose to only remember who she was.

6) b/c you were in such a long term relationship, it's gonna take a long time to get over this. There's no way around it. But you need to move on or ruin the next relationship with memories of her.

7) She'll 99% regret her decision. I'm not saying this b/c i'm telling you to wait for her. I'm not. Move on. If she can treat you like this over some guy, then she can treat you like that again. But most relationships post affairs don't last very long. Most affairs are 99% fantasy. Reality has a very bad way of bursting your bubble.

8 ) i realize it doesn't seem to make sense to you that she(24) would leave you for a 40+yr old guy with 2 kids, but it happens a lot. Not exactly that scenario, but just b/c ur 40 doesn't mean your life is over... though i'm sure many who are in their 20's may think so. lol. There are many dimensions to a person... you start to realize this as you get older, whereas most 20somethings are aware of only a few.... this mean, your ex was overwhelmed with the complexities of the 40something guy, but that's usually very temporary.

Also, you have to think this... she cheated on someone in a 8yr relationship with him. He will always know this in his head, regardless of where their relationship goes... that's how he sees her. And same goes for her. Karma and such. Though, there's a very VERY rare chance their relationship may blossom to something better. (shrug)

tbh, she cheated on you. She showed you no respect, no love, no care. Move on. Value yourself and protect yourself.

i know this is a hard time for you, but go to the gym and work out like mad. Don't get into relationships to bury your feelings. and learn from this, grow from this and become a better human being. So that when you do someday meet someone worthy of your mind and heart and soul.... you don't mess up that relationship.

Good luck!

Thank you for responding and for the sympathy.

Yes, she changed in the past few months before our break up, but not the point where I would expect her not love me anymore and leave.

We had different interests and also sometimes we argued. But we would always come to an agreement. She wanted me to propose her, which I planned as well. I just was just wanted to have a stable environment and also wanted her to change some things, which I thought might lead to problems in our future. I still wonder, what would have happened if I had proposed her, or if we would be married.. Would have she behaved the same or not.. The worst thing is, that she didnt give me any last chance or ultimatum before she left. It was unexpected.

Yes, I might be idealizing her and the time we spent together. But now I do realize who I lost and how important was she to me.

I also realize that she had changed, became too spiritual and changed her plans in terms of career. I had my own plans to, but they never excluded her in my future. Anything I would become or anywhere I would go, I pictured her with me. Always.

She told me not to worry about the man she left me for. Was telling me to trust her, even asking for my permission if I let her go to teach with him in the weekends. Her sudden move is just unbelievable to me. Even though I still love her, I would never accept her back. I just would not be able to forget what she did. How she betrayed me, and lied to me. I trusted her more than anyone.

i understand that looks and being young is not everything.. But at the same time.. why would a smart woman leave her long-time young love, who she loved more than anything, with who she had so many things going on to a 40s man with 2 kids? I know its useless, but there is no logic in this at all. Even if she made the decision in favor of security, thats not who she was. Or how I knew her.

I wonder if I was really that bad to her, that she did something like this.. 2 weeks before our break up, she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible: got gifts from her in Christmas, went for date, we were planning to go to summer vacation, and although we had some arguments, we came to the conclusion that we both love each other, and dont want to argue.. Or this is what I believe at least. And in 2 weeks, she announced me that she doesnt love me anymore, and that she feels cold towards me. Left me in a blink of any eye, wished me all the best and never gave the chance to discuss anything.

February 3, 2020

On 1/31/2020 at 5:43 PM, mark clemson said:

Very sorry to hear this happened to you.

If you're looking for explanations, part of this is that she formed a "new identity" based around the other changes in her life, and she decided that what who she wanted to be. It certainly isn't always this way, but in her case part of it was that she felt you no longer fit with this "new her". Saying that you grew apart is as good a way to describe it as any.

I agree though if you went from continuing to plan your life together to gone in 2 weeks without any warning signs there must have been serious deception and an ability to "shut off" on her part. As much as you hurt right now, I think you will probably one day realize what that means and how you can be confident that ultimately you are better off without her.

Time and the many good suggestions above will heal this. Some additional suggestions (and you should probably try to do these things even if you don't always feel like it):

- Time with friends socializing

- Time in nature, at least about 10 min/day (good nature pics on your computer/phone are ok if you are snowed in or similar) (boosts the neurotransmitter serotonin)

- Exercising within your capacities (sounds like you have that one down)

- Distractions such as good books or TV, music, work, hobbies, or projects (such as the ones mentioned above with redoing your interior) all can help as well

Part of what was "torn out" is that this relationship was a big part of your identity. In addition to emotional healing, you'll now be creating a new identify without this woman.

To that end, starting a new hobby or volunteering for a cause that's meaningful for you (preferably in a way that includes a social element) may be part of that and help you feel better too.

If you feel you want someone to talk to, there's nothing wrong with seeing a counselor for a while too, even if it's just to vent.

And of course, once you're ready for it, a new relationship.

The 30's and 40's tend to be a lot different for single men than the 20's were. Once you're fully recovered and get back out there, if you live anywhere near an area with a large population, you may soon have more female attention than you know what to do with. Try multiple avenues (online, networking/getting set up via friends, meetups, interest groups, etc). A person like you will probably do even better in person than online.

Thank you for your response and sympathy.

I saw that she gained a new identity, but I would have never guessed that her identity excludes me, after such a long time, after loving me so much in the past. I also went through many things, but I never gave up on her.

There were some things I wanted her to work on, to change. There were also things, that she wanted me to work on and change. But I always thought, that we would coem to an agreement, and talk about our needs and problems. What she did was only telling me some things she did not like occasions, but I never expected her to leave me unexpectedly.. especially for someone else.

The feelings I get because of this.. from self-blame to confusion.. just cant make me think straight and move on.

February 3, 2020

5 minutes ago, Jacen said:

Thank you for responding and for the sympathy.

Yes, she changed in the past few months before our break up, but not the point where I would expect her not love me anymore and leave.

We had different interests and also sometimes we argued. But we would always come to an agreement. She wanted me to propose her, which I planned as well. I just was just wanted to have a stable environment and also wanted her to change some things, which I thought might lead to problems in our future. I still wonder, what would have happened if I had proposed her, or if we would be married.. Would have she behaved the same or not.. The worst thing is, that she didnt give me any last chance or ultimatum before she left. It was unexpected.

Yes, I might be idealizing her and the time we spent together. But now I do realize who I lost and how important was she to me.

I also realize that she had changed, became too spiritual and changed her plans in terms of career. I had my own plans to, but they never excluded her in my future. Anything I would become or anywhere I would go, I pictured her with me. Always.

She told me not to worry about the man she left me for. Was telling me to trust her, even asking for my permission if I let her go to teach with him in the weekends. Her sudden move is just unbelievable to me. Even though I still love her, I would never accept her back. I just would not be able to forget what she did. How she betrayed me, and lied to me. I trusted her more than anyone.

i understand that looks and being young is not everything.. But at the same time.. why would a smart woman leave her long-time young love, who she loved more than anything, with who she had so many things going on to a 40s man with 2 kids? I know its useless, but there is no logic in this at all. Even if she made the decision in favor of security, thats not who she was. Or how I knew her.

I wonder if I was really that bad to her, that she did something like this.. 2 weeks before our break up, she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible: got gifts from her in Christmas, went for date, we were planning to go to summer vacation, and although we had some arguments, we came to the conclusion that we both love each other, and dont want to argue.. Or this is what I believe at least. And in 2 weeks, she announced me that she doesnt love me anymore, and that she feels cold towards me. Left me in a blink of any eye, wished me all the best and never gave the chance to discuss anything.

think of an addict... they feel good, b/c of the way a person makes them feel... they might even think it's love, but really it's more a chemical addiction to how that person makes them feel and not really them.

when you're in that mindset, you will do ANYTHING to feel good again.. regardless of who it hurts; you're only thinking about the next high...

you turn a blind eye to all the negatives and harm it will do to your closest friends/lovers... you will even ignore the harm it will do your life... just for that next high...

the thing is, the next high, you always need another bigger high... it's an self destructive, neverending downward spiral...

That's why it doesn't make sense to you.... prob won't make sense to her either... later on.

Also, our needs change over time... we aren't the same person 10 yrs ago... what might have been her wish years ago, may change over time... and she realizes she wants something more... human beings don't appreciate what we have until it's gone... and we usually want something, we don't have... or haven't had in a while...

she didn't appreciate what you had to offer... and she moved on to what she thinks is a greener pasture ...

But you should focus on you. not her. it is easier said than done, but ultimately, it's what you have to do to move on. and you do have to move on, or just pine after her for the rest of your life... it's really up to you. That's your current goal in life.

February 3, 2020

On 1/31/2020 at 6:30 PM, scooby-philly said:

OP,

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm 38 and was dumped after 2yrs by a 24F. It's been just over 5 months so the wound is still a little fresh and since it was also long-distance, my mind is still learning how to think of a future just for myself and rediscover my wants and needs and living life how I want to since I spent so much time daydreaming or fantasizing about a future that will never happen now.

Please keep in mind - whatever advice I offer is from my perspective, experience, academic and real life learning and so is everyone else's. Feel free to accept, reject or switch back and forth on things as you move through the healing process.

Best advice from me to help heal:

Exercise

Nature

Writing, journaling, and/or talking. Find 2-3 real friends/family members - people you absolutely trust and can be vulnerable too, let it out!

Eat Healthier

Pick up old hobbies or find new ones

Travel a bit - even a short camping trip or a long weekend somewhere is great. Whatever you can afford

Even if you don't like to write - do a daily journal - you can just email yourself - and make a bullet point list and re-write it every day - your best qualities, your biggest achievements/accomplishments, your goals, what you want in a woman/relationship, reasons why it wasn't going to work out. Do it every day. Mulitple times a day when/if you need to. Even if you don't like to write - repetition is the key

Don't be afraid to fail. Recovery is like a rollercoaster. You don't know the ride is over till long after it is.

You may need a year or more to fully recover. Don't put a time table on it

Don't run from your emotions. I'm not saying let yourself cry and break down in the middle of a presentation at work or when speaking with a customer, but if you need to - let the stalls in the men's room at work become a safe place for you if you need to cry.

Go out and yell in the middle of the woods.

You will never understand the complete "why" of this. No matter what you think about, no matter what she would tell you if you kept hounding her. And that's because we are all complex and because she's probably hiding a lot of things from herself.

But...a few things to keep in mind from what you shared:

Beautiful times, she loved me so much, she was caring, loving, supported me in everything, enjoyed every minute with me. I loved her from the bottom of my heart. We had so many adventures together, nice memories. We were planning to stay together, establish a family. We already had a common house, both of us started working , had good jobs and plans for future. Like in every relationship we had sometimes arguments.. but our relationship was working and was balanced.

Don't let your mind blame you. Sure, everyone can be better and what not. If you were the absolute best you could be, then remember that. And remember some of the good times - it will help you focus on what you do want moving forward since you don't have adult dating experience besides this relationsihp.

She did not really have friends, and she also didnt have the best relationship with her family. I

From 18 to 30 we leave family and have to come to terms with who we are, who they are, and what they did to us (both good and bad). She may have not done the work yet to address that. She may not know who she is or is not comfortable with it. So she could be grasping at straws or running because she's afraid of something. And that's a bad side. Even really introverted people have friends. If she was shamed growing up, not given any affection or positive reinforcement, etc., she could have low self-esteem. And this sudden rush into this field could be an example of her trying to get affirmation of herself, instead of giving it to herself.

Regardless, she's emotionally immature and definitely looking for outward validation

She would change, as she became too spiritual, and always talked about this topic and had plans to make a career out of it, to hold lectures and courses in the future. Im not spiritually oriented, but I was glad that she has found a hobby and I was even supporting her in it.

People do sometimes discover spirituality/religion as we age. But in this case it sounds like she's just flailing about looking for something to give her life meaning and fill the void in her soul. Remember that moving forward - relationships should enhance our already existing happiness and self-worth. They cannot be a replacement for self-love and maturity.

A week after this conversation she totally changed: became cold to me, avoided any physicality, whenever I approached her to talk she said she is tired and went to sleep.

If she wasn't already physically cheating on you by this point, this is where it started. It may have happended before, and I'd bet there was at least a little bit of emotional cheating, but she may have started when you said no to this sudden change!

Even if you said yes, it probably would not have lasted forever anyway because again, she doesn't know who she is, she's not comfortable with herself, and she's looking for external validation of her self, her wants, her soul.

This speaks to her emotional immaturity and you deserve better.

The fact she left so suddenly, as one person said, was because she had been emotionally detaching for a long while and you didn't know.

Now, I will not let any poster blame you. Sure, we need to be aware for our partners of their emotions and whatnot, but we can't be vigilant all of the time. And we may subconsciously pick up on some clues and changes, but we don't chalk them up to something like a person preparing to leave or stopping love for us until it happens to us for the first time. So do not let anyone here or anywhere else blame. You may have missed some signs, but you're the mature one in this situation. She was immature and emotionally unhealthy

She was not that social, while I was. Whatever the future would hold for me, I pictured her next to me, as I would never left her, not even for my career. When she got into this new spiritual environment, she changed immediately, and she left me on the first occasion. I dont know which one is worse.. that her love towards me could be ended in 2 weeks because of someone else.. or that she didnt love me for a long time and she was just pretending.

You can't discount YOUR love. She may have loved you at some point, but most adults in the world today aren't capable of real love - being vulnerable, loving someone when they're vulnerable, building a life together and not running when things don't turn out the Instagram way or when times get tough. You showed your quality and she showed her lack of it. Yes, she may not have loved you as deeply as you love her and she left like a teenager, but better now then at 30 or 40 or 50. And yes, it does happen at those ages. Be grateful for the time spent together as tough as that seems and cherish the fun moments and use the time moving forward to make a clear picture of what you want.

It was a shock for me, as I didnt see this coming. Not from her. She loved and cared about me so much and I loved her too. Always made me promise her, that I should never leave her. Two weeks before she left, we were on dates, she told me she loves me, bought presents for me, we were planning our summer vacation.. and two weeks later she told me she didnt love me for a while.

People will say anything when they don't want to deal with a situation. and people can say I love you and not mean it. in this case you got whacked by both. With my last ex, she was still sending me cute couples' cartoons the morning of when she started breaking up with me via text/IM. A lot of people con themselves into thinking "I'm a good person" - well, even good people can be foolish, immature, and can hurt people. A real relationship is about sharing fears, hopes, desires, exploring life and the world together. If she couldn't bring up her feelings to you and didn't want to make it work and try with you, then it shows how shallow and needy and childish she is. You deserve better.

Even after what she has done, when I saw an object that belonged to her in our house, or a present I bought her or she bought me, I just started crying. I became an emotinal zombie.. Im Just staring in front of me.. trying to understand what happened, trying to move on, but I always get dragged back. She was my soulmate, my love, best friend, we supported each other in everything. She was always more romantic than me, yet my love lasted longer for her..

Throw out whatever you need to! You have no obligation to return anything and if she did leave any items she may want - too bad!

I was always surrounded by women in the past.. could of had many chances, yet I always valued her more and loved her and wouldnt leave her for someone and give up our relationship. I imagined her as my future wife, even though she had her mistakes.. I was so sure that I can trust her.. that she would never do something like this, that she is the perfect person for me. Yet, she did the thing I expected the least.. especially from her.

That's the risk of true love. Do not change! You will find someone one day just like you and you'll understand how much better you are with them and not this woman. As painful as it is - the universe has done you a favor in the long ru

But the problem is.. whatever our relationship would have been, she imagined her future and her career in this field of parapsychology, in this city and at that particular class.. so they would have spent time together, no matter what.. Unless we moved away.. How could I become so invaluable for someone who loved me so much? Did I really treat her that bad to deserve this? I had my mistakes for sure, but would have changed for her.

That's the thing - she has no emotional anchors. She found a way to give herself the meaning/value/soul she never had and made an irrational, childish, and last-minute crazy decision. It shows the depth of her problems. It says nothing about you.

Im not an emotional person, but just kept crying. I was also not perfect.. did many mistakes, couldnt really express my love to her, but she knew I loved her. Thoughts of what could I have done differently haunt me all day, all night. I wonder if I was more gentle, or if I had propose her, would she have done the same? I just cant believe that someone so family oriented, lovable, trustful, caring, who was obsessed with me since high school, left me cold blooded in 1 week. I would have changed all my mistakes for her, but she didnt even want to talk. I would have done anything for her, to make her happy and to stay together. I never received any last chance from her.

Honor the death of the relationship. Two or three months in the future - go somewhere - the beach, a river, a lake - put her name on a rock and throw it in the water as far as you can! Let her go.

Let the emotions come. As I said - it will be a long, hard, rollercoaster ride. And don't let anyone beat up on you - if you need 3-6 months of a lot of alone time - the people that truly love you or care for you will understand. Just don't be rude about it. And don't worry about leaning on people - again, the ones that really care for you can be there for you!

And also - DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF

Lastly - having just a 5 month or so head start on you - direct message me on here if you need/want a friend. I can relate to so much about what you shared.

Hi friend, thank you for the advice and the response.

Im also sorry to hear your loss.

Now that I lost her, I see that I didnt treat her the way I should have, or the way I wanted. I always see how kind and caring she was to me, and I see my mistakes that I have done. I was not attentive, not romantic, didnt speak to hear when I still had the chance. I believe that my attitude and actions slowly led to this, that she lost her love for me over the time.. I know, everyone tells me that I should not blame myself, that this would have happened either way.. yet still all I can think of is that what should I have done differently.

She didnt get enough attention and love in her childhood. And this caused damage on her, that could never been fixed. Not even by me, or the things I told her to give her self-confidence and enjoyment of life. She relied on me way too much, both emotionally and socially. Until of course she found someone else. She was always loyal, and honest to me.. yet she did the thing I expected the least. The shocking thing is, that she was always emotionally more mature than me.. she would express her love and feelings more freely than me. She would plan the future, while I avoided the topic. This might have caused insecurity in her. Even thought, I always told her, that I want to be with her, imagine my future with her, but it looks like this was not enough to her. The way she left, the way she acted towards me, was not the person I knew for 8 years.. That is why I was in chock.

I cant stop wondering how would things turn out if I was different to her? If I had marry her? The thing that keeps getting in my mind, is that even if I proposed or marry her, she found her identity and future in this spiritual course.. she wanted to be in that environment, to make career out of it, and to go to teach with the trainer of the course, who she eventually left me for. I wonder, if I married her, would have this hold her back, would she appreciate me and our relationship more? Or maybe she would be cheating on my behind my back, and eventually leave me, and get a divorce, because she wants something else? I know I should move on, and not to deal with the what ifs.. but my mind just cant think of anything else..

Now I realize that there were some signs of emotional detachment.. but I thought she is like that because of work. We both worked too much, she would come home late evening, take a shower, have a short conversation then fall asleep. She said many times that she is too tired of her work, so I thought that her behaviour is just simply because of tiredness. But even is she was emotionally detached.. the thing I dont understand is that: 2 weeks before I break up, I got presents from her for Christmas, we went to dates, she seemed to enjoy her time with me, we planned our summer vacation already, told me how much she values my support and so on.. But at the break she told me she no longer loves me for a while, and that the detachment was going on for a while, and it was getting worse and worse. We had some arguments before the break-up, and I admit that I was the one who made the mistakes and was the source of arguments.. which I regret now more than anything. If I could turned back the time, I would have behaved lot different. But I still never expected her to leave like this. Never see that coming.

She was all about family values, honesty, loyalty, healthy relationship. Yet she cheated on me. Lied to me. Either I was that bad to her in these years and I killed the kindness and love out from her, or she was the one who changed 180. The woman I knew, would have never done such thing. She moved straight to her trainers house, from me. Denied that she has any relationship, or that she cheated. It wasnt true. And it just breaks me inside.

She was always more mature than me. But the way she left me and lied about it was just like an act of a teenager. She was the one who asked my permission if she can go away for the weekend with her trainer to teach. She told me that if she would see that the trainer has any other intentions, other than being collegues, she would not go again and tell me. She told me to trust her, and referred to her trainer, as an old man with family, who I should not worry about. I trusted her, yet I had a bad feeling about this. I cant believe she fell for this.

I try to be angry at her, instead of wondering what I messed up. I try to move on, man up and convince myself that this was the right thing. But I just cannot. I dream of her, this is my first thought when I wake up, and my last when I go to sleep. The thought of why I didnt appriciate her more and how could she leave me like this haunt me all day. Its really the worst period of my life.

February 3, 2020

2 hours ago, Jacen said:

2 weeks before our break up, she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible: got gifts from her in Christmas, went for date, we were planning to go to summer vacation, and although we had some arguments, we came to the conclusion that we both love each other, and dont want to argue.. Or this is what I believe at least. And in 2 weeks, she announced me that she doesnt love me anymore, and that she feels cold towards me. Left me in a blink of any eye, wished me all the best and never gave the chance to discuss anything.

At that point she was on her way out but decided to give it one last shot, one last big effort to see if it was possible for her to stay.
It wasn't.
She made up her mind that it was hopeless, she was truly done, and left.

February 3, 2020

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

At that point she was on her way out but decided to give it one last shot, one last big effort to see if it was possible for her to stay.
It wasn't.
She made up her mind that it was hopeless, she was truly done, and left.

Thats why I wonder, if had acted differently on those occasions, in the last days, would she still be with me. Or it was just the matter of time her leaving me.

February 3, 2020

24 years old.
Perfect time to reassess where she was going.
Long term relationship, so it is decision time - marriage, kids, a house and a mortgage OR does she leave to see what else is out there...
Many will just leave to see what else is out there.
They are too young to consider settling down for life
It may appeal on a superficial level but in the cold light of day, kids and nappies, boredom and "drudgery" - in her twenties, no think you...

February 3, 2020

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

24 years old.
Perfect time to reassess where she was going.
Long term relationship, so it is decision time - marriage, kids, a house and a mortgage OR does she leave to see what else is out there...
Many will just leave to see what else is out there.
They are too young to consider settling down for life
It may appeal on a superficial level but in the cold light of day, kids and nappies, boredom and "drudgery" - in her twenties, no think you...

Thank you for responding.

While it is true that many think like that, she was always the complete opposite. She was the one who wanted to settle down, wanted to have a family with me, and was planning with me her future. She suddenly decided that she doesnt want the family establishment with me, but with someone else. And it feels horrible.

February 3, 2020

4 hours ago, Jacen said:

She was all about family values, honesty, loyalty, healthy relationship. Yet she cheated on me. Lied to me. Either I was that bad to her in these years and I killed the kindness and love out from her, or she was the one who changed 180. The woman I knew, would have never done such thing. She moved straight to her trainers house, from me. Denied that she has any relationship, or that she cheated. It wasnt true.

Of course you are emotionally distraught right now. But, one day, when you can look back at the above logically, it will tell you everything you need to know about her.

4 hours ago, Jacen said:

I try to be angry at her, instead of wondering what I messed up. I try to move on, man up and convince myself that this was the right thing. But I just cannot. I dream of her, this is my first thought when I wake up, and my last when I go to sleep. The thought of why I didnt appriciate her more and how could she leave me like this haunt me all day. Its really the worst period of my life.

Right now you're 're processing the break up emotionally AND you have a "gap" in your identity from this sudden, unexpected drastic change. You may have breakup limerence. You WILL get past it in time, but these things tend to take longer than we'd like to process emotionally.

One word of advice for the next GF (when that happens) - it's nice to share feelings etc and that's good. But you don't need to get TOO emo/beta-ish. Some women find that off-putting.

I do think, based on what you wrote above, that you'll have a relatively easy time finding new women. Don't let depression "wreck" you or anything - remember to maintain all the things that make you a good catch in the interim. One day, all of this will just be a bittersweet memory in the rear view mirror. And the vast majority of people have a least a few of those...

February 3, 2020

Now that I lost her, I see that I didnt treat her the way I should have, or the way I wanted. I always see how kind and caring she was to me, and I see my mistakes that I have done. I was not attentive, not romantic, didnt speak to hear when I still had the chance. I believe that my attitude and actions slowly led to this, that she lost her love for me over the time.. I know, everyone tells me that I should not blame myself, that this would have happened either way.. yet still all I can think of is that what should I have done differently.

OP - after such a messy, heart-wrenching, surprising break up, it's easy to blame yourself and think about what you could have done or said, what you could have done or said differently, what you could have not done or said. That's your mind playing monday morning quarterback as we say in the USA and it's just trying to heal itself - which will take a long time - so without any other resolution you will blame yourself if you're a decent, good man
Now, that doesn't mean you couldn't have been better or different. BUT.....it sounds like you were trying to lead a healthy life and a healthy lifestyle and weren't co-dependent on her. Keep that in mind. Even if you were a bit more of those things you think you should have been - we can't be everything to everyone at every given moment. Therefore, the moment you had to take care of yourself or you guys had kids, etc. - something would have happened that would cause her to fixate her identity on something else or SOMEONE else.
Additionally, if you do see room for improvement in yourself for the future - that's cool and that's what, once you emerge in a few months from the numbness and the emotional rollercoaster - that's what you can focus on and spend your energy on. BUT...keep in mind relationships are equal parts you and the other person. As I may have mentioned in my first reply - if she didn't express her needs, if she didn't communicate her feelings, if she didn't mature and grow up to a point where she'd throw it all away after 8 years for something so fleeting and so childish, then guess what - that's on her. Sure, you can be better - anyone can. But really I think the "blame" here (and I use that word cautiously) is like 90/10 her/you.

She didnt get enough attention and love in her childhood. And this caused damage on her, that could never been fixed. Not even by me, or the things I told her to give her self-confidence and enjoyment of life. She relied on me way too much, both emotionally and socially.

That's called co-dependency. And that goes to the point I made above - eventually she would have left because her identity was solely dependent on others. And I know in my first response I mentioned the fact that hey - people have to want to be helped and they have to decide they're going to help themselves - but....any twelve step program begins with "I admit there is a problem". Doesn't seem like she's even aware that there's a problem let alone anywhere close to admitting it and then wanting help for it. I mean, hence her coming back and expecting you guys to move all of a sudden and giving you an ultimatum about.

Until of course she found someone else. She was always loyal, and honest to me.. yet she did the thing I expected the least. The shocking thing is, that she was always emotionally more mature than me.. she would express her love and feelings more freely than me. She would plan the future, while I avoided the topic. This might have caused insecurity in her. Even thought, I always told her, that I want to be with her, imagine my future with her, but it looks like this was not enough to her. The way she left, the way she acted towards me, was not the person I knew for 8 years.. That is why I was in chock.

There's a lot to unpack here. Let's go sentence by sentence.
"Until of course she found someone else". That's the exact point of co-dependency. Someone does not form a self-identity, therefore their very "being" is dependent on others. That's why this sudden rush into spirituality, the "take it or leave it" attitude she gave you about moving", the rush to a much older man with kids - all of these things make sense to her - because she has no concept of who she is. In her "mind" - she feels like she's been "validated" as a person - when in fact, all she's done is swapped co-dependent partners from you to this guy.
"She was always loyal, and honest to me". Loyalty and honesty are big words. Yes, you can be loyal to someone - but when the times get tough do you cut and run? Sure, you can be loyal to someone but do you give them back the love and respect they've given you? Oh yeah, you can be "honest" - but honesty isn't just about telling the truth. It's about not hiding secrets and about being "transparent" with one's thoughts, beliefs, emotions, wants, needs, dreams, hopes, and fears. A real relationships is about two people being attracted to each other, discovering they're compatible on all the 8 fronts enough to say - let's build our lives' "together" and putting in the work to make it work over the long haul. She was loyal to you simply because she had no other choice - she has no friends and no social life and look what happened - she runs for the first guy to give her attention besides you. Was she honest? No, because she never really shared her feelings and fears with you and she's obviously got a lot of emotional and mental healthy problems to work on and instead of recognizing them and addressing them, she's going to jump from one situation to the next forever or until something forces her to confront herself.
"She was always emotionally more mature than me...she would express her love and feelings more freely than me". Um...maturity does not equal openess. Yes, the more "emotionally mature" you are, the more transparent you are with your feelings. But obviously she wasn't more mature - she just happened to be more comfortable with affection and perhaps pdas.
"She would plan the future, while I avoided the topic." Now, I'm not going to psychoanalyze this too deep because I'm not a licensed therapist and we'd need a lot more info from you. Sure, you could have been avoiding it because you had reservations lurking underneath things because of her personality and mental health issues. BUT...for certain, she may have been (MAY HAVE BEEN) planning the future because her identity depended on it. Not saying you shouldn't have been thinking about it more - but again, don't get wrapped up in blaming yourself for the failure of this relationship.
Yes, you will be in shock - and it will hurt like a MTF because you gave it your best and you either didn't know or you blinded yourself to her problems. So the situation looks like one scene from your perspective, while it looks different from hers. Again, sure you can be a better person - everyone can. But if what you shared thus far is accurate, truthful, and unbiased as can be expected - it sounds like this relationship (as painful as it is to hear right now) was ultimately doomed.

I cant stop wondering how would things turn out if I was different to her? If I had marry her? The thing that keeps getting in my mind, is that even if I proposed or marry her, she found her identity and future in this spiritual course.. she wanted to be in that environment, to make career out of it, and to go to teach with the trainer of the course, who she eventually left me for. I wonder, if I married her, would have this hold her back, would she appreciate me and our relationship more? Or maybe she would be cheating on my behind my back, and eventually leave me, and get a divorce, because she wants something else? I know I should move on, and not to deal with the what ifs.. but my mind just cant think of anything else..

That's exactly what you need to remember - even if you were more affectionate to her, even if you had married her, even if you had started a family with her....something...eventually...would have caused strain on the relationship to the point where she would go searching for her identity somewhere (and with someone) else.
BUT....don't go there too much - it's called "spiraling" and it's just your mind trying to figure things out and protect itself (really, it's your ego)

Now I realize that there were some signs of emotional detachment.. but I thought she is like that because of work. We both worked too much, she would come home late evening, take a shower, have a short conversation then fall asleep. She said many times that she is too tired of her work, so I thought that her behaviour is just simply because of tiredness. But even is she was emotionally detached.. the thing I dont understand is that: 2 weeks before I break up, I got presents from her for Christmas, we went to dates, she seemed to enjoy her time with me, we planned our summer vacation already, told me how much she values my support and so on.. But at the break she told me she no longer loves me for a while, and that the detachment was going on for a while, and it was getting worse and worse. We had some arguments before the break-up, and I admit that I was the one who made the mistakes and was the source of arguments.. which I regret now more than anything. If I could turned back the time, I would have behaved lot different. But I still never expected her to leave like this. Never see that coming.

It's a lesson for you to learn to step out of the relationship next time once in a while and look at it with a clear lens. It's also why it's good to have family and friends that know you both and can offer perspectives. You can beat yourself up from now until they make a marvel movie with Iron Man in it again (lol)...but in the end, SHE DID NOT SHARE the truth with you....SHE DOES NOT KNOW that she's sick and co-dependent....SHE WAS SELFISH and expected you to jump around like a frog at the drop of a hat to help her feed her emptiness
And yes, people can seem all "lovey-dovey" as they're emotionally detaching. To a certain extant they don't even realize they're doing it and on another level they do know from a more "strategic" perspective - it's how they allow themselves the room to move on. And that's exactly why you deserve better. Not saying you're perfect, but your reaction to the situation alone speaks volumes about your character and integrity.

She was all about family values, honesty, loyalty, healthy relationship. Yet she cheated on me. Lied to me. Either I was that bad to her in these years and I killed the kindness and love out from her, or she was the one who changed 180. The woman I knew, would have never done such thing. She moved straight to her trainers house, from me. Denied that she has any relationship, or that she cheated. It wasnt true. And it just breaks me inside.

She was always more mature than me. But the way she left me and lied about it was just like an act of a teenager. She was the one who asked my permission if she can go away for the weekend with her trainer to teach. She told me that if she would see that the trainer has any other intentions, other than being collegues, she would not go again and tell me. She told me to trust her, and referred to her trainer, as an old man with family, who I should not worry about. I trusted her, yet I had a bad feeling about this. I cant believe she fell for this.

I try to be angry at her, instead of wondering what I messed up. I try to move on, man up and convince myself that this was the right thing. But I just cannot. I dream of her, this is my first thought when I wake up, and my last when I go to sleep. The thought of why I didnt appriciate her more and how could she leave me like this haunt me all day. Its really the worst period of my life.

Words are meaningless without actions.
Character is not observed through one interaction, one day, or even one year. You didn't kill the kindness and love. Again, not saying you couldn't have been better - but mature (really mature) people ask for what they need, speak what they want, and talk about their true hopes, dreams, etc.
The lying (and she's probably, unfortunately for your ego, blaming you) is to protect her ego. The only way she can rationalize the sudden choices is to make you the villain in her story, to exaggerate tiny things, to build up this narrative in her mind that she was slowly falling out of love with you over time.
Maturity, again, is clear in hindsight. She's obviously not mature. And the whole thing about "if they have other intentions" - loving/trusting couples don't even need to say that.
And another lesson learned - if you have legitimate concerns in the future, a real partner will listen and try to see things from your perspective, which she clearly didn't let along even try
And lastly - from the more you shared here it sounds like the cheating (at least emotionally) started before that weekend away....so whenever that was relative to the holidays, your breakup, and today - that's the moment she started to slowly build her exit plan. And while you can beat yourself up for not noticing this or agreeing to that, again - if she truly loved you and wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, nothing on earth or in heaven or in hell would have stopped her from doing so.

Stay strong my friend!

February 5, 2020

There is no such thing as a "SUDDEN BREAKUP" in women's world, because a woman doesn't wake up one morning and decides on the spot that she no longer wants to stay with you anymore.

But rather, in her mind, she ALREADY broke up with you a long long time ago.

Most men are clueless on this fact, hence their "shocked" face upon hearing the infamous five words "I-WANT-TO-BREAK-UP" from their women.

February 5, 2020

Hey Jacen; some wise words for you to read through here, I hope you find them of some comfort.

You need to consolidate & get through this; you WILL get through this as others have said.

From my experience, once the luster begins to fade and reality sets in, it would not surprise me in the slightest if she comes crawling back to you.

But even if this doesn't happen, stop & think about YOU. You're a young, fit & intelligent man with a home, good education & job. You have your infrastructure in place. You have a lot to offer.

Progress, progress, progress. You maybe do not think this at present but you are making that with each passing day. Yes, there will be tough days ahead but don't beat yourself up. Get back on the horse the next day.

Obviously, it's a glacial like & painful process, but there will come a time when you think of her with nothing other than apathy.

Keep the faith brother, you'll get through it.

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Heartbroken from a long term relationship: she suddenly left me for someone

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