Whatever2345 Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 . I don’t even know where to start. I thought. By this day I’ll feel better by now. But it still feels like I’m on day one. I always ask myself what and why especially why did I deserve this. I try not to make myself the victim. But I’ve been so nice to him and I always texted him went over to his house when he wanted got him gifts. Showered him with attention and love until he went away In the army. Everything was good he never even texted or called until he got out and he dumped me. It hurts because I still cry about it all the time. Like I didn’t do anything. I was always so loving and nice. He said I was one of the things he had to loose. I have never begged pleaded I said ok. That was that and he blocked me. I just feel so drained and still distraught to how someone can do such a thing. I still find myself listening to billie when the party’s over every now and then. I just don’t know what I did and it’s so heart breaking to me that someone would treat someone like that. It just breaks my heart. Even my so called friends take me for granted. I don’t even know what to do anymore but I already know I’ll never text him again
schlumpy Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 You're breaking my heart too Whatever. I was caught in the same pit you reside in now for over a year. It was not a pleasant experience but it was one that I learned from and because I learned from it, it never happened again. At this point, until the light comes back into your life, that's all you have to look forward to but rest assured that light will come back. If your best friend is tired of hearing you talk about it try some professional counseling. You just need a nudge forward to start your recovery and regain your former momentum. You are doing exactly the right thing by maintaining no contact and if in the future there is a reconnection, don't take him back without him earning it. He has to learn that you have a value that is equal to and maybe greater than his own. Learn and grow from this experience. Meanwhile take advantage of this forum to pour out your feelings and enjoy some cathartic release. 3 1
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 You didn't do or not do anything. The army changed him. It happens. Focus on yourself. Who you want to be as an independent single adult. What are your likes & interests? What do you want to do with your life? Then get out & do that. Next relationship don't be quite so giving. Make sure the other person is fulfilling your needs too. 1
usa1ah Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 Sorry you are going through this. I have seen guys do this all the time. They treat girls like crap. I was in the military as well. It is frowned on to have any relationship ties when you first get in. Some what by the upper ranks but mostly by your peers. I just never understood how someone could treat another person like that. I stayed with my high school sweetheart, married and three kids later. Just don’t trust words. Actions count, if he is not willing to put into the relationship then he isn’t the right one. From what you said you did everything in the relationship. Don’t do so again, guys will take advantage of it. (Girls do also) From what you have said, you have done nothing wrong except to put your trust in the wrong guy. 1 1
2BGoodAgain Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 rule#1: don't act like a doormat, b/c then you'll be treated like a doormat. guys/girls think that if you give everything your partner wants, that he'll/she'll want to be with you. FALSE. most of the time, your partner will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. the relationship has to be balanced, otherwise, they'll take advantage of you or won't find value in you. you have to value yourself first... otherwise, how can your partner value you? act like a person without value, your partner will treat you like one. etc etc etc. as for moving on... time alone doesn't heal all wounds... it just gives you the opportunity to keep your head above the water so you can figure out how to swim... that's why day 100 or day 1... it feels the same. you haven't processed your relationship loss yet. figure out yourself (what you liked, what you didn't like, what you learned, what you will do moving forward).. that's the only way to move forward with your life. Good luck! 1 1
Beachead Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 (edited) Hey OP, Something you should know first and foremost is its not your fault. I understand all too well why you may feel that way though. There are many reasons why people do what they do, feel what they feel, and think as they think. Many of those reasons are exogenous circumstances that you can control or change, yet still affect the way he sees himself, the way he perceives his world, and ultimately the choices he makes. Examples of this are his upbringing and the trauma he's faced in his life. His family, friends, past relationships and work environment (In this case, the military). He himself, may not even know much about himself, doesn't know it, and is in the process of self-discovery. So, you are not the reason why he did what he did, though you are ultimately affected by it. My guess is something occurred in his time in the military that changed the way he thought about life and relationships, and it changed him. Whatever of his you have lying around..gifts, posessions of his, maybe pictures, his number..remove it from your sight. Box it, delete it off your phone or transfer to an external harddrive if its too hard to delete, but get it out of sight. if you have him on any kind of social media, remove him from it. You'll need time to grieve an it will hurt for awhile. The first 6 months are the toughest, as you initially need time to see that this guy can stay away and not care. From there, you'll gain clarity, which will lead to understanding, and then strength. All in all, to heal from heartbreak, let your pain be and invest in yourself instead. You can't control what he did, but you have a large degree of control over yourself and how you pursue your life from here. Your mind will work through your thoughts and your self-investment will bring you things that'll give back to you, that will benefit your healing. Hence, most of my advice will always be about you and how to heal yourself. If you find trouble working through your sadness, write. 1. I'd focus on writing out a couple of things he did in the relationship that upset you. If you can't think of any, then write what he did to you at the end of the relationship..or just copy and paste your post and save it on your computer. When you get weak, remind yourself of it. It'll ground you and bring you back to reality. 2. Other techniques you can use is to write out two things you're grateful for in your life..two things that keep you going. Write out the name of one person you appreciate in your life..and why. 3. Vent in your journals without restriction. Let it all out. Let the thoughts fly. You don't have to do this regularly, but when you need to. You'll be surprised what may surface and what patterns you may uncover in your thinking. I was a guy who was always there for friends and partners. I really went out of my way. Gave advice, listened. Showed up to all events. Did things, sometimes sometimes at the expense of my own life. I never really felt all that much appreciated or valued for it. I became angry and resentful. Time went on and I realized I was doing so much for others, for myself. Because I was get their love so that I could feel worth in myself..because I didn''t feel it for myself. I defined my value, through the love of others and it stemmed from poor confidence, poor self-esteem, and lack of self-love and investment in myself. Going a step further, I never took the time to get to know myself. I never took the time to get to know my own boundaries. The things I was willing to tolerate and not tolerate. What I wanted for myself and what I wanted to accomplish in this life. I was sort drifting around without purpose or direction. Ultimately, it stemmed down to fear of failing. It was much easier to avoid all those thoughts and just make my life about serving others. So I didn't do those things for them. I did it because I was scared to face myself. Now when I do good things for people, its because I genuiely want to. I don't do if I don't want to and I don't feel guilty about it refusing. Perhaps something in here may click with you. Don't burn your energy doing so much for other people. Do good things, only because you want to and because you have the emotional capacity to. Otherwise, you end up, expecting something in return and up resenting people for it, when they don't show appreciation or they hurt you. Give back to yourself instead and do yourself right. Exercise, eat well, try to sleep well. Cut people who drain your energy out of your life and surround yourself with only people who make you feel loved..even if its just one person. It is a lot more harmful to be around the company of people who are terrible for us, than to be in the company of ourself. Stay strong - Beach Edited January 31, 2020 by Beachead 1 1
Beachead Posted January 31, 2020 Posted January 31, 2020 Quote Many of those reasons are exogenous circumstances that you can control or change, Just wanted to make a quick edit to something I said above. I meant "can't" . 1
Silver_star Posted February 4, 2020 Posted February 4, 2020 100 days of NC. Good for you. You should be proud of yourself. There will be bad days when you will wonder why it had to be this way, or where you are trying to make sense of things. Unfortunately we do not always get the closure we seek. Sometimes things are just not meant to be as cliche as it sounds. Maybe he does not fully understand the reasons himself. That is okay. We need to let go despite not knowing the reasons. We need to forgive the other person for hurting us, not for their benefit but for our own, so we can start to look at our role in things for next time...setting boundaries early on, investing only when you know the investment is being returned. On my bad days it helps me to journal and write down the things I am feeling about my ex. Sometimes I wonder if he has moved on to someone new and if he is doing things with her that I did with him...if she treats him as well as I did. Then I shake myself off and think, who cares what he may or may not have with someone else. He doesn't have me, and that is his loss. I often will remember the good times I had with him, but that is just what the mind does to keep us hanging on so tightly to the comfort of the past. Remember the bad times too...remember the ways you felt taken for granted. Smile as you look back at yourself and the kind things you did for him because you had a kind and open heart and be grateful that one day when you fall in love again, the man will appreciate your gestures and reciprocate in the ways you need to make you feel loved. 1
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