It was going SO perfect. what happened.

[Jmemchn]

I started dating this girl from my class, were both 25 and go on so well, everyone could see it. For the past 4 months we have spoke 24/7, met up often, stayed at each others houses, met family and friends and she was always so eager to see me. It was honestly the most perfect relationship I've ever had.

She broke up with me via text a few days ago for reasons saying she wants to take it a few steps back to friendship, she thinks she was naive to think she was ready for a relationship on this level and that she needs time and space to herself. I could understand this if I was the clingy one but if anything, it was her and I liked it. She said she had really deep feelings for me and when i said you dont anymore she said I still have feelings that are more than just a friend but perhaps you feel more.for me than I do to you. Again until that day it was never clearly that.

I asked a mutual friend as I knew she had been talking with her about it and she had told her that shes used to being independent and wants.to refocus on her career etc and it wouldnt be fair to stay in a relationship with me.

She said she enjoyed the few months with me and would like to stay close friends but I declined as I couldnt be 'just' friends she understood this and we have had no contact since the 26th Jan. I was in class with her this week and we avoided each other and it hurt so bad that I just dont exist to her anymore and she doesnt even seem affected by it.

Do you guys think that sounds like a permanent thing as she said at this moment I just need to be friends with you? I'm so hurt and upset and the no contact thing is killing me 

[alphamale]

let me guess, you never had sex during that 4 months?  no sex = friendzone

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So sorry :(.  Yes, I think it is probably a permanent thing.  Usually around the 3 month mark you start to know if a relationship is going to keep holding your interest and it sounds like something just isn't quite there for her :(.  It really hurts, though, I know :(.  

[Silver_star]

Do you know much about her relationship past?

Maybe she has not healed from a past relationship yet and not ready for a real commitment. Things were getting too real and she bounced. probably to save your time and feelings in the long run.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

I'm sorry for your pain. While some might approve, I think if you have sex with someone and date to the point where you meet with family and friends - even if it's as only 3 months, it's quite immature and emotionally childish to break up with someone via text and IM. I had that happen to me 5 months ago after nearly two years with someone just a tad bit younger than your ex.

You have to respect her "wish" as she's made it clear. And there's no shame in not wanting to be friends if the pain is too much. While a little more information would be helpful to provide more accurate support, here's a few things to keep in mind: (NOTE - some of this is general - but some of it may be true - you need to take what applies and forget what doesn't).

• What's her dating history like? If she's not had a serious relationship by 24/25 (assuming you're about the same age) that could mean she fleas at the thought of commitment. She could be scared of feeling this deeply. If she doesn't have a secure attachment style she could bolt out the door when she feels like she or someone else is growing too attached - it's a learned behavior meant to protect her from pain
• What's her family like? Are they emotionally mature? Are they healthy? Are they warm, kind, and affectionate? A person's family has a great influence on emotional and psychological health. Keep that in mind.
• Look at it this way - you guys did rush a bit - meeting friends in first 3 months is okay - particularly after 2 months, but meeting family that quickly is often a bad sign unless you happen to know each other well enough first. So while she may be feeling a bit rushed, if what you shared is true, at least 50% of it is on you. But you can also learn to not let someone rush you into things too quickly either, not matter how much you may like them
• Also - if her style is to just cut or run, imagine what would happen if things got serious - would you want to end up marrying her and then she leaves without a sign that something was wrong? That's not healthy behavior. Remember, relationships are based on communication - if she can't communicate what's bothering her and doesn't see you as part of the solution both for the short-term and long term then she's not ready for a relationship
• Also - along that same vain - if she doesn't know what she wants or she has some sort of game plan in her head of what her life needs to be and she doesn't communicate that sort of thing before rushing in to the point where now she's probably scared herself off of your relationship, then sh'es not emotionally mature and healthy. Great couples can and do weather a lot of things - sickness, busy careers, kids, family problems, etc. If she was committed to you and healhty and mature and stable then you'd be together still. But you're not, and it shows her maturity level
•  Remember a lot of people try to fill the void in their souls or their calendars with "people" and/or activities. It may have felt right at first, but time would eventually show that you were a "filler" in some regards. Actions speak 1,000x louder than words in relationships.
• A lot of people use that word "independent". Not always, but often time that's a code word (i run when I see it in dating profiles) that people don't know how to compromise, that they don't know what a real relationship is about, and that like I said above, they're looking for someone that helps them (for whatever reason and there are plenty) have the "benefits" of a relationship, fill in their calendars, show off, appear normal, etc. without actually doing the work of a "real relationship". Now that doesn't mean they won't ever find someone who's just like them and they stick together for a long time, but for the majority of healthy, mature adults - that's not what we want nor what I consider to be a healthy, adult relationship. So...
• The line about her wanting to focus on her career is a false dichotomy she's got in her head. You can fix it and it's not your job.
• Lastly - maybe she avoided you out of kindness for your heart, but she may also be doing it to because she's immature and can't deal with emotions. Either way, as much as it stings, don't reach out.

Again, these are some general statements based on the limited info you provided so some or all may not be applicable. Suffice to say that she's made what she wants clear and you need to respect that - not only for her sake but more importantly for yours. If you did your best, if you were your authentic self, if you were clear about what you wanted going in, and if you were caring and supportive during those few months together, then you cannot let your mind blame yourself. I've been in recovery for 5 months from a hearth wrenching split and that's one thing I'm still struggling with a bit - my mind just wants to blame me despite it being her choice and despite her problems.

Lastly - time will ultimately reveal things. Whether or not you find out, and there's no guarantee you will, the universe will reveal to someone exactly what her nature is. If you see her with someone in two to three months time or find out through mutual friends that's she's fallen for someone else - you'll have your proof that you did the right thing and things worked out for the best. But again, keep you chin up. And as I've been fond of telling people on here the past month - don't fight the emotions. And as a man in a Western culture - it's okay to cry. I get it if you don't want to do that in public or around most people - but try to make friends with 2-3 people in your life (could be a family member too) where you always feel 100% safe to be yourself and share your emotions no matter what. If need be, make the bathroom stall at school and/or work, make your shower or bathub, your bed, your car, any place you need to a safe zone to let it all out.

[Jmemchn]

1 minute ago, Silver_star said:

Do you know much about her relationship past?

Maybe she has not healed from a past relationship yet and not ready for a real commitment. Things were getting too real and she bounced. probably to save your time and feelings in the long run.

She had mentioned being in a past relationship, but nothing to indicate that there was still hurt from it. She said she feels her mental health has t been 100% lately therefore although her feelings towards me were always strong she needs some time and space to herself and needs to be just friends at this moment

[scooby-philly]

Also - i just re-read the title of your post....people really show themselves at two times - when things are rough and when things are seemingly perfect. A lot of threads on a site like this touch upon situations where something bad happened and a person's SO revealed something (good or bad) about themselves. But it's rarer to have a situation where things were "perfect" and something happened. Again, remember, it's not your fault. My recent ex left and I don't think we had had a disagreement for 3-4 months other than a blow up on vacation and on my birthday - so I thought things were going better than ever. Surprise lol!

[Silver_star]

Sometimes you just got to take a girl on her word. 1. Her mental health is not 100% 2. She wants time and space to herself.  Honor her wishes.

It sounds like nothing you did wrong. It's about her not you. 

Who knows if she will want to date you in the future after she sorts herself out, but if you don't honor her wishes and become pushy about being in her life when she is trying to create space she is going to resent it.

[Jmemchn]

3 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

OP,

I'm sorry for your pain. While some might approve, I think if you have sex with someone and date to the point where you meet with family and friends - even if it's as only 3 months, it's quite immature and emotionally childish to break up with someone via text and IM. I had that happen to me 5 months ago after nearly two years with someone just a tad bit younger than your ex.

You have to respect her "wish" as she's made it clear. And there's no shame in not wanting to be friends if the pain is too much. While a little more information would be helpful to provide more accurate support, here's a few things to keep in mind: (NOTE - some of this is general - but some of it may be true - you need to take what applies and forget what doesn't).

• What's her dating history like? If she's not had a serious relationship by 24/25 (assuming you're about the same age) that could mean she fleas at the thought of commitment. She could be scared of feeling this deeply. If she doesn't have a secure attachment style she could bolt out the door when she feels like she or someone else is growing too attached - it's a learned behavior meant to protect her from pain
• What's her family like? Are they emotionally mature? Are they healthy? Are they warm, kind, and affectionate? A person's family has a great influence on emotional and psychological health. Keep that in mind.
• Look at it this way - you guys did rush a bit - meeting friends in first 3 months is okay - particularly after 2 months, but meeting family that quickly is often a bad sign unless you happen to know each other well enough first. So while she may be feeling a bit rushed, if what you shared is true, at least 50% of it is on you. But you can also learn to not let someone rush you into things too quickly either, not matter how much you may like them
• Also - if her style is to just cut or run, imagine what would happen if things got serious - would you want to end up marrying her and then she leaves without a sign that something was wrong? That's not healthy behavior. Remember, relationships are based on communication - if she can't communicate what's bothering her and doesn't see you as part of the solution both for the short-term and long term then she's not ready for a relationship
• Also - along that same vain - if she doesn't know what she wants or she has some sort of game plan in her head of what her life needs to be and she doesn't communicate that sort of thing before rushing in to the point where now she's probably scared herself off of your relationship, then sh'es not emotionally mature and healthy. Great couples can and do weather a lot of things - sickness, busy careers, kids, family problems, etc. If she was committed to you and healhty and mature and stable then you'd be together still. But you're not, and it shows her maturity level
•  Remember a lot of people try to fill the void in their souls or their calendars with "people" and/or activities. It may have felt right at first, but time would eventually show that you were a "filler" in some regards. Actions speak 1,000x louder than words in relationships.
• A lot of people use that word "independent". Not always, but often time that's a code word (i run when I see it in dating profiles) that people don't know how to compromise, that they don't know what a real relationship is about, and that like I said above, they're looking for someone that helps them (for whatever reason and there are plenty) have the "benefits" of a relationship, fill in their calendars, show off, appear normal, etc. without actually doing the work of a "real relationship". Now that doesn't mean they won't ever find someone who's just like them and they stick together for a long time, but for the majority of healthy, mature adults - that's not what we want nor what I consider to be a healthy, adult relationship. So...
• The line about her wanting to focus on her career is a false dichotomy she's got in her head. You can fix it and it's not your job.
• Lastly - maybe she avoided you out of kindness for your heart, but she may also be doing it to because she's immature and can't deal with emotions. Either way, as much as it stings, don't reach out.

Again, these are some general statements based on the limited info you provided so some or all may not be applicable. Suffice to say that she's made what she wants clear and you need to respect that - not only for her sake but more importantly for yours. If you did your best, if you were your authentic self, if you were clear about what you wanted going in, and if you were caring and supportive during those few months together, then you cannot let your mind blame yourself. I've been in recovery for 5 months from a hearth wrenching split and that's one thing I'm still struggling with a bit - my mind just wants to blame me despite it being her choice and despite her problems.

Lastly - time will ultimately reveal things. Whether or not you find out, and there's no guarantee you will, the universe will reveal to someone exactly what her nature is. If you see her with someone in two to three months time or find out through mutual friends that's she's fallen for someone else - you'll have your proof that you did the right thing and things worked out for the best. But again, keep you chin up. And as I've been fond of telling people on here the past month - don't fight the emotions. And as a man in a Western culture - it's okay to cry. I get it if you don't want to do that in public or around most people - but try to make friends with 2-3 people in your life (could be a family member too) where you always feel 100% safe to be yourself and share your emotions no matter what. If need be, make the bathroom stall at school and/or work, make your shower or bathub, your bed, your car, any place you need to a safe zone to let it all out.

Thank you for such a detailed reply. She has had a couple of relationships previously, not sure on the lengths but I remember her saying only one has met her family before so it was a big thing and she really wanted me to. She has a good relationship with her mum, not so much with her father which she did say was something that had been affecting her lately.

It was quite rushed, it was her that made the first move and wanting to meet my friends etc. I was the more apprehensive one if anything, wanting to be sure and take it slower as ive been burnt by previous experiences before.

She said she really enjoyed the past few months and her feelings were always strong for me but needs time and space to herself at this moment  and she was so sorry that she didnt see her feelings change so drastically and quickly. She did seem apologetic that she hurt me. She wanted to stay friends and I asked her will there be a chance in future and she said I dont know I dont want to say in case nothing changes and give you false hope.

It makes it worse that we share the same classes and friends so I still have to see her in close proximity a few days a week. I feel like I cant be friends with any of my friends anymore since I made the decision to not be 'just' friends with her so I resort to sitting alone whilst she chats and laughs away with my friends. They are having a night out tomorrow and hell I could really do with a drink but I dont know if she would want me to be there or how I would react being near here once Ive got some liquid confidence.

How do I go about it? Is there any chance she will come back? I really wa t to message and say is there nothing we can do to work on things.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 minutes ago, Jmemchn said:

I really wa t to message and say is there nothing we can do to work on things.

Don't do this.  It will not accomplish anything, will be seen as begging, and may only make her annoyed at you for making her feel even more guilty than she already feels.  Nobody wants to hurt people when they break up with them.  Believe her when she said she feels badly about it.  

[scooby-philly]

Again - sorry for your pain man!

I can't comment completely because we'd still need a lot more detail...but keep a few things in mind:

• The impact of the relationship with her dad can play a major role in what she wants/needs in a man and how she view things and you
• It sounds like she may have been needy and rushed into things, which she now regrets. You enabled it, but you can't beat yourself up for that.
• Moving forward, don't ignore your gut. Even if something doesn't apply to a new person you're seeing, you can share they WHY of something and it's normal and healthy to do that in a relationship - especially a new one
• Again - whatever the true reason, it doesn't matter. She doesn't see you as part of the solution to the problem so she's either very sure of what she wants and it's not you (which blows) or she's completely unsure or can't be comfortable with what she has with you - so in any case she's made up her mind and nothing you say or do will change it and the more you fight for the it, the worse you'll make it for you both
• Apologies are words - and are meaningless without action. Now, your heartbreak isn't major, but it's still bad - especially since she set the initial speed - and while she can say she's sorry, the sudden shift is not mature or healthy and doing it via text/IM isn't either. Of course she can be friendly with people - she doesn't see this as a big deal, so she's probably never fallen for someone - which would fit if she was an avoidant attachment style. (that's an assumption)
• You can still be friends with your friends - you just have to pull them aside, let me know the situation and how you feel, and then letting them know you may avoid some social settings while you heal. If they don't understand, don't respect it, or dis own you, you deserve better friends.
• Don't worry if she wants you there or not. She's made it clear she's lost all feelings for you (or she's burying them if she's avoidant) so just live your life. but...if you cant trust yourself with a few drinks, don't go right now so you can avoid embarrasing yourself. The best thing you can do in this situation is go NC, be polite, be happy, be your best self, and then if it's meant to be down the line, she'll see you don't need her and feel like she missed something.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

I'm sorry for your pain and I feel you.  Lets start with the title your post.. 

"It was going so perfect.  What happened?"

In your eyes, it was going perfect.  In hers, it wasn't.  If it was perfect for her, this wouldn't have happened.  Therefore, start by acknowledging you two saw the relationship differently.

I'm not entirely sure what curbed her interest.  Even if she offered up an explanation, you don't know how much of that explanation is motivated by her desire to spare your feelings.  Also, her switch in feelings indicates she doesn't know what she wants.  She wanted to be with you at one point and then she didn't.  She felt one way at one time and then not long after, she felt another way.  Can you truly rely on what she tells you?  I would not dwell on her words.  Instead, I would focus solely on the action that she took your best in the 3 months you two shared, decided it wasn't enough to consider going further, and she dumped you.  Ultimately in choosing that, she's basically telling you through her actions, she is going to choose someone else more suitable for her, to be with..whether its now or later.   

As much as it hurts and as blunt as it is..it cuts right to the point and its better you soak that in now, rather than comfort yourself with hope.  This way, once you grieve this situation as it really is, you can begin to process and work your way out of it, much more quickly.

But, its not your fault.  There are many external reasons for why people decide to do what they do.  A lot of those reasons are beyond your control.  Things like her past relationships, her friendship, family.  The way she views herself which stems from her past trauma and her childhood etc.  It all affects the choices she makes.  All you can do is be the best guy you can be for her and hope that's enough.  It's not solely up to you, to seal that deal.  In addition to that..she has to put the work in as well.

..well, things started to get real, and she bounced. 

You did right by rejection her offer to be friends.  That was a trap that would have only serviced her.   She would not have respected you for it if you had accepted.    You two were together, you two were intimate, you two were more than friends.  You can't take a step back and drop your feelings as if they don't exist, just because its what she wants.  You know this and there is a part of her that knows this and therefore you have her respect for sticking by how you feel.  You showed you know what you want and will not settle for less, just to keep her around.  You are not afraid to lose her.  So good on you for being tough.

Don't chase after people who aren't interested in you.  

Regarding classes and mutual friends, unfortunately your stuck with her until the semester's done.  Seeing her will be comparable to ripping the scab off of a healing wound over and over again.  Until you and her part ways where you no longer have to be tortured by her daily presence, you're going to have a rough time getting passed this.  

I would ordinarily advise you to block her off social media.  Delete her number off of your phone along with all recent history that shows her recent calls and texts. Transfer the pictures off of your phone or delete if you wish.  Bag her gifts.  Get it all out of your sight and out of your mind.    BUT..you don't have the luxury distancing and cutting her off..it seems your left with 2 options

1. Avoid everybody in that class associated with her and lose your social life and put up with the loss and the misery until you two part ways...but you won't be able to run from the pain and the drama even if you avoid it because you'll still have to see her.  In avoiding, this problem will grow into an elephant in the room which will take up your attention and your thoughts and will continue to affect you.  The postive..you get to grieve alone in class, without expending any energy, trying to be happy around all of those people, when you feel like complete sh*t.

2. Your second option is, face this head on and make the most of this situation until the semester is done.  Talk to those mutual friends, show up to the events.  Concentrate on getting to know them, have fun.  Don't let her muscle you out of your own social life.  In many ways, do what she appears to do with them, but do it better.  Stand your ground and commit as much energy as you can to having good conversations and good times with those people.  You will still be in pain but you will not lose face, so long as you pretend well.   Do it until that class is done and over with.  Then when its over, you proceed to my above advice of blocking her and removing her from your life, so that you can grieve in peace, heal, and get back to being yourself again.

We're all pulling for you.  Stay strong.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

Edited January 30, 2020 by Beachead

[preraph]

It sounds like she didn't maintain sexual attraction and hence the "just friends."  Sorry.  Best to take advantage of your age and situation and just keep meeting other women.  Good luck.

Edited January 30, 2020 by preraph

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Jmemchn said:

Do you guys think that sounds like a permanent thing as she said at this moment I just need to be friends with you?

Anytime someone says:

2 hours ago, Jmemchn said:

perhaps you feel more.for me than I do to you.

yes--it means it's a permanent thing. The friend thing was her tossing you a bone to not be angry in her face with her.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Jmemchn said:

She broke up with me via text a few days ago for reasons saying she wants to take it a few steps back to friendship, she thinks she was naive to think she was ready for a relationship on this level and that she needs time and space to herself. 

Let me translate that for you:  she's still hung up on an EX. 

No she is not coming back.  

Do not message her asking if there is something you can do.  There isn't.  On some level she doesn't feel enough attraction / connection to you to keep dating you. 

Avoid her in class.  When you see her at most she gets a tight lipped smile & nod of the head.  Just act like you don't give a flying fig what's she's doing.  Keep yourself active as much as you can. 

Edited January 30, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Ric123]

You probably did the same mistake I did. 24/7 together? 3 months in you should be seeing her 1 to 2 times a week max. After 6 months together 4 times a week max. 

You should be focus on yourself, your goals, hobbies, friends at least a few days a week. A woman has to fight for your time, for your presence. You became too easy and she got bored and smothered. 

They need space way from you, to miss you, to text you, to feel anxious about you, etc. If you're always there you kill the whole process. 

Usually they can't put the finger on it, but they feel something isn't right. But I can tell you now, that if you spend a lot of time together in the beginning it will most likely fail. 

PS. Let me add that if you have the wonderful idea of now starting chasing her, begging and blowing up her phone, you will be doing more of what led to her leaving you. You'll be smothering her some more and she will have clear evidence she has done the right decision. 

Edited January 30, 2020 by Ric123

[Lotsgoingon]

Red flag ... 24/7 ... sorry ...24/7 is never a good thing.

I mean don't you have separate friends? Didn't she have separate friends? Don't you guys have separate hobbies? ... 

For the past 4 months we have spoke 24/7, met up often, stayed at each others houses, met family and friends and she was always so eager to see me. It was honestly the most perfect relationship I've ever had.

This isn't a relationship. This is a temporary hormone-induced, intoxicated dream. Dreams end ... fantasies end ... One or the both of you attached too deeply too soon. Four months in you're supposed to be maybe taking a trip ... spending a night or two with them. You guys were at married level intensity here. Married couples spend more time alone and away than you guys were spending.

She backed out ... because there was no room for oxygen to get into the relationship. There is no fuel. You cannot miss someone or look forward to seeing someone ... if you see them all the time ... if it's expected that you see them all the time ... and expected that you talk to them all the time. 

Plus if you were spending all your time with her, that means the rest of your life was likely dull and boring. People like a partner who has different experiences ... and different energies ... Sure, you have your own job, I assume ... But having someone always around ain't attractive.

You were on an intoxicated high. That's not a relationship. That's infatuation. Infatuation has a short shelf life. Four months is pretty dang good for infatuation. And next time, hold off on meeting families and all of that ... there is no rush there ... you can meet a family after 6 months or a year. 

I know it aches ... I've been there ... but you suffocated the relationship ... it couldn't go much past four months. 

[Marc878]

On 1/30/2020 at 4:38 PM, d0nnivain said:

Let me translate that for you:  she's still hung up on an EX. 

No she is not coming back.  

Do not message her asking if there is something you can do.  There isn't.  On some level she doesn't feel enough attraction / connection to you to keep dating you. 

Avoid her in class.  When you see her at most she gets a tight lipped smile & nod of the head.  Just act like you don't give a flying fig what's she's doing.  Keep yourself active as much as you can. 

Great advice. If you chase they move farther away plus it makes you look like an ass.

Cut all contact. Some relationships just don’t workout. She maybe a want but you don't need her.

Edited February 2, 2020 by Marc878